Fifty something female who feels as though I’ve missed out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're in your 50's and you're realizing only now that you haven't had a lot of dates, etc? What was going on for the last 25 years?

Anyway, your best option is men in the same situation. I say that as a married man in his 40s with many male friends in that age range.

This guy has a good question. I had these panicky thoughts beginning at about 35. What has kept you from focusing on this until now?

I think its rude that yall are asking that question. Time flies and is a mfer. She may be introverted, cultural, or religous, shy, have anxiety, etc. Not every woman is a yes woman who spreads legs on the first date and gets married in a few months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're in your 50's and you're realizing only now that you haven't had a lot of dates, etc? What was going on for the last 25 years?

Anyway, your best option is men in the same situation. I say that as a married man in his 40s with many male friends in that age range.

This guy has a good question. I had these panicky thoughts beginning at about 35. What has kept you from focusing on this until now?

I think its rude that yall are asking that question. Time flies and is a mfer. She may be introverted, cultural, or religous, shy, have anxiety, etc. Not every woman is a yes woman who spreads legs on the first date and gets married in a few months.

You’re ridiculous. OP wants input. We need more information to give her input that may help. And believe me, no one understands her situation more than me.

[Anonymous]

OP i can see why you are disappointed and feeling down. But look at the bright side- you have yourself to love and focus on.

Plenty of people are in unhappy marriages and/or have terrible children that are a complete drain and suck all of their happiness away.

As for finding someone, you are in the perfect spot now. There are plenty of divorced men your age that would be thrilled to meet someone like you. Get on some dating apps and have fun- even if just to meet new people.

[Anonymous]

I’m 52, single, never married, no kids and I’m loving life. For some extra income and to stay fit I’m a part time aerobics instructor and physical trainer. There is a long list of men age 40-60 who have shown a great deal of interest in me and I never lack for male companionship, some of whom are just good friends. I’ve got no baggage and no bad history and men seem to find that very appealing. Married men are non starters! Right now I’m in a relationship with a widower in his mid 50’s who doesn’t come with any bad relationship baggage and that is delightful. We are exclusive and we will see where it goes because I’m not committed to being single forever.

[Anonymous]

First, you describe human beings as “not the best quality”. That is offputting. You shouldn’t date married men or men who lie about being divorced (isn’t that the same thing?) but people aren’t chunks of meat.

Second, if you don’t view yourself as having nothing to offer, why would anybody else?

Third, who are your friends? Could any of them be ruining your chances for a good relationship? Things like “he’s a little overweight… “I can’t believe he didn’t wash his car when he picked you up” “why is he wearing a wrinkled shirt” all things that really don’t matter. A friend can be loyal to you but treat your boyfriends terribly. If you want to hang onto that friendship for whatever reason, give it a wide wide berth and make sure the boyfriends are your prime interest.

There are a lot of nasty women out there who probably want you to remain single. Make sure too that the women you know aren’t talking a good game and then doing the oppisite at home. Things like “I’d never cook for a man” and then “I’m making a chicken pie for Billy, he’s loved chicken pot pie since the day we got married and I decided I’d learn how to make it”.

what exactly have you been doing with your time?

Do you have plans to “go out of town” when you meet a guy who wants to go out with you?

Nobody is going to wait around for anybody, none of us are simply that awesome.

Finally, why did things not work out with any of the men you were interested in? Are you interested in men who are appropriate for you? Are you going after husbands, bosses, men who are new fathers and even if technically single probably shouldn’t be dating.. men who are geographically undesirable?

You either never really wanted a relationship and are only thinking about it now because you are lonely during the pandemic, or you are doing something or maybe several things which mean you have what a friend of mine calls “too much bad luck”.

One or two guys may not have worked out. One or two may have been married. There have always been and always will be a few frogs out there.

Going forward, date on the weekends ideally evenings. Anybody can get out of the house during the week.

Don’t put up with men who date you once or twice and then need to “go out of town”. Oldest line in the book.

Don’t chit chat over text, that is why phones and facetime got invented. Remember, anybody can text from anywhere, it’s harder to be up to no good via phone.

If you make a date, keep it. You can always leave, a date isn’t jail.

Be available during healthy dating hours. Not all hours of the day are the same, even Beverly Cleary uses this as a plot device in one of her teen romances, Kate And Johnny is the book I think, and it was written back in the 1950’s.

Say no to men who want to go out during nondating times, see what I said above about married men.

Look at your friends group, and make sure you aren’t hanging around harpies. One of my male friends flat out told me that he told his then girlfriend now wife, “your friends are the reason you’ve been single”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 52, single, never married, no kids and I’m loving life. For some extra income and to stay fit I’m a part time aerobics instructor and physical trainer. There is a long list of men age 40-60 who have shown a great deal of interest in me and I never lack for male companionship, some of whom are just good friends. I’ve got no baggage and no bad history and men seem to find that very appealing. Married men are non starters! Right now I’m in a relationship with a widower in his mid 50’s who doesn’t come with any bad relationship baggage and that is delightful. We are exclusive and we will see where it goes because I’m not committed to being single forever.

PP is right. Anybody reasonably attractive who is female can attract a brigade of men. OP, you probably give off a 'don:t approach me" or "Im more trouble than I'm worth" vibe. I'd be curious to know what your body language is like.

[Anonymous]

You’re fine. You’ve be alone so long that you are starting to doubt yourself and think waaaaaay too much about this. That’s the problem with being alone. You over analyze yourself. It happens to the best of us.


Remember everyone you date is looking at you with fresh eyes, they’re not sitting in your head, and they’re not doubting you. They’re hoping you’ll be the one. Act with self assurance and confidence about you’ve become.

Your lack of romantic relationships doesn’t have to be a weakness, use positive words to describe your past instead of negative to people you meet. It works!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked close friends if there is something about you that may be a turn off? Have you worked with a therapist?

+1. There are specific things going on with you. Not even necessarily that bad - it could be as simple as "you don't convey to men who are interested in you that you like them" - but it's something, and the people who know you best are the ones who are going to be able to tell you.

+2. The only people who will have a clear answer to what is going on here are those who know you best and care about you most. You need an honest discussion with them. If you don't have these types of relationships, I would go to a therapist specifically to address the "something's wrong with me" and "I have nothing to offer because I'm not a mom" vibe your post has presented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 52, single, never married, no kids and I’m loving life. For some extra income and to stay fit I’m a part time aerobics instructor and physical trainer. There is a long list of men age 40-60 who have shown a great deal of interest in me and I never lack for male companionship, some of whom are just good friends. I’ve got no baggage and no bad history and men seem to find that very appealing. Married men are non starters! Right now I’m in a relationship with a widower in his mid 50’s who doesn’t come with any bad relationship baggage and that is delightful. We are exclusive and we will see where it goes because I’m not committed to being single forever.

What you have going for you is that you have made a point of staying fit. Packaging is important!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should not being a mom be an issue? It means you don’t have the baggage of kids to deal with

OP here - I feel that maybe men who have children would feel that I wouldn’t have be as mature as women who have raised kids, or that we lack that experience in common? It just may be me feeling insecure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked close friends if there is something about you that may be a turn off? Have you worked with a therapist?

I have not asked my friends and I don’t think that they would tell me anyways. I am working w/ a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked close friends if there is something about you that may be a turn off? Have you worked with a therapist?

+1. There are specific things going on with you. Not even necessarily that bad - it could be as simple as "you don't convey to men who are interested in you that you like them" - but it's something, and the people who know you best are the ones who are going to be able to tell you.

I think one of my issues is somehow I come across as FWB material and not gf/wife material. And I’m not quite sure what I am doing to convey that? It’s not like I am propositioning men when I meet them. And as far back as I remember within my group of guy friends, I’m always the cool girl And I wasn’t sleeping with them. But they all viewed me as the girl they can hang with. I’m very feminine, dress feminine wear make up, long hair, nails painted,etc.

I give off the wrong impression and I don’t know what I’m doing to do that.

[Anonymous]

Still waiting to hear what you’ve been doing since age 35, OP. Why is this coming up just now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually never being married and not having children is advantage for dating.
But sounding desperate is not attractive.

Not at mid-50s for someone who says they want an LTR. Not a dealbreaker but certainly not an advantage.

Tell me more of why it’s not an advantage....id like to know your thoughts. And if you’re not a male, I’d love it if some men around my age chimed in. I really want to hear others feedback other than my therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Still waiting to hear what you’ve been doing since age 35, OP. Why is this coming up just now?

Sorry, I’m working down the line of comments. In my mid 30’s to mid 40’s, I was still out doing the party scene. In my group of friends, all in our 50’s now, there are a few of us who have never been married and we’d go out a lot. I wasn’t really worried about being married, I figured it would happen when it happened. And I didn’t go on the online sites until my late 40’s. Even in my 40’s, I wasn’t all that worried, but I did realize in the later part that I did want someone in my life. So, I tried the dating sites, went on a lot of dates, even with men who aren’t necessarily my type. I dated some of them casually, a few I actually liked but after things didn’t add up and a little research, I discovered that they were married. So, I obviously ended that.