Fifty something female who feels as though I’ve missed out

[Anonymous]

I’m in my mid-50s, never married, never engaged, no kids, and really never had a very serious relationship. I’ve “dated” meaning a few dates here or there with guys I’ve met on online sites. In my early 20s I did date someone for about a year and a half, not 100% committed, but were together a lot. I’ve met men that I have been very interested in but nothing ever works out. I’ll admit, the men off dating sites haven’t been the best quality....a few need up being married and lied about being divorced.

I feel like I suck at dating, have nothing to offer anyone my age since I’m not a Mom, and am afraid I’ll be alone forever! I don’t want to be alone. I also feel that I give off the wrong vibes and things just turn sexual. I’m not sure how to change myself ?

I’m told that I’m very attractive, I’m funny and smart. There’s just something wrong with me! And I really think that the not Ever being married and having kids thing is a turn-off.

I’m really bummed. Any advice? Feedback?

[Anonymous]

Why should not being a mom be an issue? It means you don’t have the baggage of kids to deal with

[Anonymous]

Well, OP, I hate saying that but, after a certain point, being never married (not necessarily not having children, though) is viewed as a red flag. I wouldn't call it a 'turn-off' in a sexual sense but people do wonder what your deal is/was..

[Anonymous]

Have you asked close friends if there is something about you that may be a turn off? Have you worked with a therapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked close friends if there is something about you that may be a turn off? Have you worked with a therapist?

+1. There are specific things going on with you. Not even necessarily that bad - it could be as simple as "you don't convey to men who are interested in you that you like them" - but it's something, and the people who know you best are the ones who are going to be able to tell you.

[Anonymous]

Actually never being married and not having children is advantage for dating.
But sounding desperate is not attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually never being married and not having children is advantage for dating.
But sounding desperate is not attractive.

Not at mid-50s for someone who says they want an LTR. Not a dealbreaker but certainly not an advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually never being married and not having children is advantage for dating.
But sounding desperate is not attractive.

Not at mid-50s for someone who says they want an LTR. Not a dealbreaker but certainly not an advantage.

No kids definitely advantage. Men don’t want the baggage of other people’s kids.

Op, not being married or having kids doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It’s not over until it’s over. If you want to be married focus on finding a compatible partner. If being a mom is the priority, consider adopting an older child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked close friends if there is something about you that may be a turn off? Have you worked with a therapist?

+1. There are specific things going on with you. Not even necessarily that bad - it could be as simple as "you don't convey to men who are interested in you that you like them" - but it's something, and the people who know you best are the ones who are going to be able to tell you.

This. I'm sorry op. It's hard to become aware of this at 50.

[Anonymous]

Just be a Samantha from Sex and the City. Dress like that and act like that and men will be falling from the sky!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be a Samantha from Sex and the City. Dress like that and act like that and men will be falling from the sky!

Yes, OP! If I ever get the courage to leave my DH, I will join you!

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm 45 y/o and married with kids. I have two friends - one from childhood and one from grad school. They are both incredibly picky. Childhood friend never dated anyone because she wanted to marry only a judge or ambassador, so she didn't even go on dates with anyone who was not marriage potential. My grad school friend is also insanely picky. She only wanted a very rich business man or star biglaw lawyer on the way to partnership, her age or younger. She thinks it's wrong to sleep with someone before dating for many many months and has a lot of very rigid rules, including conversion to Catholicism, engagement after exactly 6 months of dating, house owner in certain neighborhoods and only single family home etc. I personally don't think that not being married or having kids is a big deal, but I'd question someone our age without a meaningful, long-term relationship. To me, it's a flag for emotional immaturity, unrealistic expectations, and/or inability to love.

[Anonymous]

So you're in your 50's and you're realizing only now that you haven't had a lot of dates, etc? What was going on for the last 25 years?

Anyway, your best option is men in the same situation. I say that as a married man in his 40s with many male friends in that age range.

[Anonymous]

At this point, who cares. Guys tend to overlook the never been married BS. At least this guys does...
At this point, what do you look like? Body type? Large or small bust? Wide or thin azz? Messed up teeth? Hobbies? Do you workout?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you're in your 50's and you're realizing only now that you haven't had a lot of dates, etc? What was going on for the last 25 years?

Anyway, your best option is men in the same situation. I say that as a married man in his 40s with many male friends in that age range.

This guy has a good question. I had these panicky thoughts beginning at about 35. What has kept you from focusing on this until now?