Cannot do COVID anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need the kind of advice that only anonymous strangers on the internet can give.

Since the shutdown began, we have been incredibly careful. We stopped everything and hunkered down. We have two kids - 3.5 and 9 months. It has been so, so hard and I can't take it anymore.

My husband quit his job before the baby was born, and was supposed to start looking for new work after a break. He hasn't been able to do that - he needs to be the primary caregiver for the kids at the moment. The preschooler is in in-person care now every other week. The baby is home all the time. But I feel like I'm doing so much more than half the work. I'm nursing the baby. My husband has been going to a lot of doctors appointments because an old injury has been acting up, so I'm watching the baby a couple time a week while he does that (while trying to work). He doesn't feel like he can safely take both of them to the grocery store, so I'm watching the baby one or twice a week while he goes to the grocery store with the big kid.

My husband sucks at chores but has been trying to do better, but he's busy all the time either watching the kids or at doctors appointments. But we don't feel comfortable having our housekeeper come back. In-person school is our priority, and we are determined that it will be the riskiest thing we're doing. We don't have family nearby. We don't feel comfortable hiring a nanny at the moment because we don't think we can trust someone else to be as careful as we have been. And frankly I feel like we shouldn't have to - we have a whole adult who has no work outside the home!

I am a lawyer in a practice area that has been insanely busy as a result of the pandemic. I'm on track to bill (the prorated equivalent of) 2100 hours this year. I am working all the time. I am watching the kids all the time. I forget to shower frequently. I cry all the time -quietly, and to myself, and in short bursts, because I'm doing all I can do to hold up everyone else in my house and don't have time to feel sorry for myself.

As I write this post the baby has been crying for a half hour and won't stop and he's supposed to be napping. He's teething and has been biting my nipples and they're so sore. My husband is at a doctor's appointment. I was up until 1am working last night, woke up at 6:30 this morning, and haven't even started on the 10+ billable hours I need to put in today. I just can't do this anymore.

This isn't ending anytime soon. I have been a trooper for months and months. I know we don't have it the worst, that there are people struggling so much more than we are. But what am I missing? How do I make it to tomorrow, or through the next year of this? I can't physically keep all of this up.

Where do you work that billing 2,100 hours is considered working all the time?

Ok, way to NOT be supportive. NP here, and a few things jump out here:

1. You have two children under 5 - and one that isn't verbal. For me, as a lawyer, these were the hardest times to parent. Cut yourself and your husband some slack and know that it will get better (really, it will - there is absolutely truth to the adage that the days are long and the years are short).
2. It sounds like you have no outside help either from family or from a nanny or daycare. Figure out how you can get outside help. It does not matter that your husband is not working right now - he should be spending his time networking and making connections to get the next job. Just like you likely did not sign up to be a SAHM, he did not sign up to be a SAHD - respect that if you have the financial ability to do so. If you can swing it, hire at least part-time assistance. Kids that age appear to be susceptible to serious outcomes from the virus - and the alternative of a depressed/anxious/angry mother and fighting parents doesn't sound ideal.
3. Get a housecleaning service - they can come 2x a month, and the family unit can leave while your house is cleaned - win/win - no cross-contamination and your house is cleaned.
4. You sound like you are trying to do everything at 100% - you can't. It's a myth. Anyone that looks like they are is just a mirage. Pick something, and let the other slide. Because you are a lawyer and talking about 2100 hours billable, I am going to assume you are at a big firm where anything less than 100% from a female associate can seem like a death knell to advancement. It may be. Spend some quiet time and really think through your career path - do you want to make partner? Do you want to go in-house? Fed? If so, figure out what you need to do - either put in the 110% to go partner track (with no guarantee that you'll make it - especially since the worker bees aren't generally the ones that make it) or start networking to figure out how to jump off the hamster wheel or bring the rain. In the meantime - get help on the homefront. Your children will be fine with out-of-home care, but they won't be fine if you keep on this road of doubt, depression, anxiety, and anger.

Oh, and one more thing - take some time just for you each day 30-45 minutes at least - to read, meditate, yoga, take a walk - anything that does not include a child or a husband or work. Get some mindspace back to yourself. Put it on your family and work calendar as a meeting so it's not overlooked.

And, if you have the time and are so inclined - this book I found helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Buddhism-Mothers-Young-Children-Becoming/dp/1742371922/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=Buddhism+for+young+mothers&qid=1602603224&sr=8-1

It's about accepting what is - and moving through that in a positive and useful way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you say he’s no good at chores, what does that mean? That he doesn’t do them, or he doesn’t do them to your standard? Think like a man - the house is your spouse’s domain and let them take care of it.

Does he know how to do the chores? My DH had no idea how to run a household when we got married. It wasn’t working for me to tell him. So we agreed to both use the chore lists/ instructions on FlyLady. Basically we outsourced the chore structure and standards. It really helped.

He may also be a bit depressed being unemployed and injured. So restoring some agency could help.

And for goodness sake supplement with formula- that way you can get a break from feeding or pumping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So weird. Many tired SAHM have been advised that after DHis done working he has to pitch in, just like you do.

And doctorappts is hardly him going to get golf. Take sick leave on those days to care for your kids.

I'm not saying his doctor's appointments are golf - but I don't get to just take "sick leave." Every 2 hours I take "off" to watch the kids just means two hours of sleep I lose later making up those billable hours after literally everyone else in my house is asleep. He needs to go to the doctor, but I can't keep this up either.

Yeah but I mean 2100 means 40 billable hours a week. No vacations, easy to work weekends b/c life is pretty boring, and no commute. Making up 2-4 hrs a week by sifting to later in day or weekend is really no big deal

I mean when your DH is home go into your office and work as long as you need. Kids will survive.

[Anonymous]

You should probably just hire a nanny. That will give DH time to job search. Your 3.5 year old doesn't really need school, just time interacting with people. Bringing a nanny into your pod would probably be better for them anyway. Less stressed parents, more time with baby sibling, just time to chill out. The only issue is how to be left alone during work hours when the nanny can't feasibly be out of the house all day.

Also, get your damn groceries delivered and make DH order them online.

Let the mess go.

You really need to either hire a nanny or make your DH step up.

[Anonymous]

OP please ignore the responses from people who clearly do not understand law firm life and billing.

Baby and preschooler need full time care and DH needs a job. If you can afford the former, even before the latter happens, DO IT.

[Anonymous]

You need to hire help.

I SAH with similar aged kids, and DH bills at least what you do. I’d say I’m great at chores (unlike your DH) but honestly some babies are easy to take care of while doing housework and others really aren’t. I also have health issues that require far too many doctors visits and my DH will stay with the baby while I go. It’s hard on him, and it’s something we used to hire a babysitter for, but we don’t want to in covid.

The thing is, a babysitter or nanny fully exposes you, covid wise. A housekeeper does not. We have a housekeeper come two days per week and we simply go to a different level of the house that she’s on. She cleans and does laundry, and wears a mask. We also order all our groceries online right now - I think your DH is right that it’s not worth taking a baby to the store - and when things are stressful with baby we order delivery meals as well.

If your DH isn’t super excited about looking for a job he needs to take on more of the SAH role, but he has to be given some leeway to outsource. There are ways that can be done relatively safely.

Sorry OP. Times are rough.

[Anonymous]

" He doesn't feel like he can safely take both of them to the grocery store,"

Parents take 2 young kids (and more!) to the grocery store all the time. What does he feel is "unsafe" about it?

OP, why did he quit his job before having another one lined up--especially since he was about to have another child? Did he quit willingly, or was it to save face because he was about to be fired?

[Anonymous]

^ Also the PPs trying to suggest your hours are not high are nuts. Non billable hours are significant, especially the more senior you get. My DH bilked the most as a mid-love associate but bills far, far, far less as a partner, because he spends so much time on client development. “Billable hours” is not a good shorthand for precisely how much someone is working. Everyone replying should take at face value OPs claim that she is drowning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:" He doesn't feel like he can safely take both of them to the grocery store,"

Parents take 2 young kids (and more!) to the grocery store all the time. What does he feel is "unsafe" about it?

OP, why did he quit his job before having another one lined up--especially since he was about to have another child? Did he quit willingly, or was it to save face because he was about to be fired?

Uhhh, covid?

Really if they don’t even want to have a house cleaner come they certainly don’t want their kids at a store.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" He doesn't feel like he can safely take both of them to the grocery store,"

Parents take 2 young kids (and more!) to the grocery store all the time. What does he feel is "unsafe" about it?

OP, why did he quit his job before having another one lined up--especially since he was about to have another child? Did he quit willingly, or was it to save face because he was about to be fired?

Uhhh, covid?

Really if they don’t even want to have a house cleaner come they certainly don’t want their kids at a store.

Seriously. I don’t take my elementary-aged kids to the grocery store, let alone a baby and a toddler who I have to keep from licking the dang grocery cart!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Also the PPs trying to suggest your hours are not high are nuts. Non billable hours are significant, especially the more senior you get. My DH bilked the most as a mid-love associate but bills far, far, far less as a partner, because he spends so much time on client development. “Billable hours” is not a good shorthand for precisely how much someone is working. Everyone replying should take at face value OPs claim that she is drowning.

I think most everyone can see that, except for a couple of lawyer-types who think working 60 hour weeks is slacking it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Where do you work that billing 2,100 hours is considered working all the time?

Pre-pandemic I was billing 1700 or so, so it is a lot for me! And it sure feels like a lot on top of everything else. I mean, that doesn't count non-billables, so I'm working 60+ hours a week on top of childcare.

OP, don't feed that troll. I don't work in law and I got the gist of what you were saying. And you are doing a lot.

I agree with PPs that a lot of this would feel insanely hard even without COVID. You are not getting enough sleep. You are producing food for your baby. You are doing everything.

My DH is a generally great guy, but he will not jump in and say "let me take care of XYZ!" When our first kid was a baby, I made a list of everything I was doing--and I mean, everything, even if it was something that took me 30 seconds like paying a bill online. I showed this to my DH and told him to pick half of the stuff. This has not held--our kids are much older now and the needs are different--but he still makes dinners on weekends, does all of our laundry, handles yardwork, and does some other kid-related stuff. It's not half of what I was doing, and that's why we have had a nanny when our kids were little and more recently have hired house cleaners.

The risk of having a nanny coming in and out of your home every day isn't zero, but if you can find someone you trust, it is reasonably low IMO. However, it is also okay, as PPs have said, to share with your husband what he needs to do. He should be taking the baby out for long walks, handling nap time, etc etc. If he can't do it, outsource it.

Also, our house cleaners came back in June. It really is okay and I think you need all the help you can get. They stay out of the office; kids leave the house and hang out in the yard while they work. There was a piece in the Post a couple months back where they asked all the "experts" (Fauci, etc) and I will tell you that every single one of them had their house cleaners coming in at least every 2 weeks.

Especially because you don't work in law, you shouldn't be so quick to call troll when you don't really know what you are talking about. And that's not what a troll means, regardless.

1,700 billable hours a year is considered pretty light at a lot of firms, light enough that you wouldn't be in good standing at some. 2,100 is hardly notable at plenty of firm, and of course people factor in that you also have to do non-billable work. That's not to say that OP isn't busy and doing a lot, both at work and on the home front. But still, if she is at a decent size firm, it isn't a noteworthy amount.

And, lest you think the question is just mean, it makes a difference in terms of what I would advise. If she is at a firm where 1,700 is normal and 2,100 is considered a lot, then she has more ability to try to dial it back at work some. But, if she is at a true Biglaw firm where 1,700 is borderline unacceptable and 2,100 is pretty normal, it would be a lot harder for her to go to the firm to try to get a little bit of relief.

Full-time employment is 2080 hours a year. If op is billing out 2100, that means she's billing over a full-time week, plus she has more hours of non-billable time that she works. The question was "Where do you work that billing 2,100 hours is considered working all the time?". The answer is pretty much anywhere, except for perhaps the masochistic people in biglaw who think 60 hours a week is a light load.

You don't get how law firm billing works, jackass. Many hours are not billable. OP probably works 2600 hours a year in order to bill 2100. She doesn't bill every minute she's at work, unless she is a litigator with literally 1 client.

How am I a jackass? I’m defending the op. She’s clearly working more than a full-time job. That was the point of my post. Why are all the lawyers on this thread poor readers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ Also the PPs trying to suggest your hours are not high are nuts. Non billable hours are significant, especially the more senior you get. My DH bilked the most as a mid-love associate but bills far, far, far less as a partner, because he spends so much time on client development. “Billable hours” is not a good shorthand for precisely how much someone is working. Everyone replying should take at face value OPs claim that she is drowning.

I think most everyone can see that, except for a couple of lawyer-types who think working 60 hour weeks is slacking it.

But "lawyer-types" are the ones who can most accurately comment on what is considered working all the time at a law firm. Non-billable work can be substantial, but it is still true that at many firms most lawyers (at least associates) will bill more, often a lot more, than 2,100 hours.

Having all of these non-lawyers comment on whether OP's hours are a lot for law firms isn't that useful.

[Anonymous]

This family doesn't need a full time nanny. That is a ridiculous suggestion when there is an unemployed parent. Bring in a mother's helper a couple days a week and/or bring back the house cleaners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to hire help.

I SAH with similar aged kids, and DH bills at least what you do. I’d say I’m great at chores (unlike your DH) but honestly some babies are easy to take care of while doing housework and others really aren’t. I also have health issues that require far too many doctors visits and my DH will stay with the baby while I go. It’s hard on him, and it’s something we used to hire a babysitter for, but we don’t want to in covid.

The thing is, a babysitter or nanny fully exposes you, covid wise. A housekeeper does not. We have a housekeeper come two days per week and we simply go to a different level of the house that she’s on. She cleans and does laundry, and wears a mask. We also order all our groceries online right now - I think your DH is right that it’s not worth taking a baby to the store - and when things are stressful with baby we order delivery meals as well.

If your DH isn’t super excited about looking for a job he needs to take on more of the SAH role, but he has to be given some leeway to outsource. There are ways that can be done relatively safely.

Sorry OP. Times are rough.

I am the OP - Thank you so much for saying this. I feel like we are in similar places in a lot of ways. Taking the baby to the store just seems too risky - we can suit up the older kiddo in a mask and face shield but not the little guy. A baby sitter a couple times a week would be ideal, but I feel like finding someone part-time with the same level of covid-aversion that we have that is willing to not work with any other families just seems like an unreasonable ask. I feel like its all or nothing. We don't really want to go all-in with a nanny because even the little bit of school my older kid has been going to has been so good for him. He has missed daycare and other kids so much.

He is the one most opposed to outsourcing, and it is because of the COVID risk and not the money. He has always hated having housekeepers, and at best I could only convince him in pre-covid times to have them come every other month. But then he doesn't do "his" chores and has a high tolerance for mess, and I have a lower mess tolerance, so I have the brunt of the anxiety around a messy house. I'm just breaking down today. I've been working all my weekends and haven't had a day off in eons, and I'm can't remember the last time I went to bed before midnight.

I wanted to go back to work part-time after the second kid, but then my firm cut salaries and without reliable child care we don't feel like my husband can look for a job yet. It has just all been so much with no end in sight and I'm so worried that winter will just make virus spread worse and reduce our options even further.