Elderly Parent Re-marrying. Protecting Assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I’m surprised at the responses that are asking why they are marrying. I really think it’s because he wants a companion. Don’t you think it’s overstepping big boundaries to try to talk him out of remarrying? Did any of you try to talk an elderly parent out of remarrying? He’s still got all of his faculties, so I worry about how he would take this kind of conversation.

My mom remarried at 71 yrs old. I was a bit taken back at first, but came around and understood. She told me that when you are old(er) that you already know what to look for in a partner, how to navigate life, etc. PLUs, she told me that she and fiance are both retired so life is different compared to me and DH. They are NOT starting a family, not raising a family (BTDT for both mom and fiance), they don't have stressful jobs (both retired obviously), no long commutes to factor in, no financial strain, etc....ALL the things that typically break up marriages or cause strife and stress.
Further, when you're old and by yourself you really want a companion. Someone more than a meet-up to go to lunch with you, someone more than to just play Bridge with, etc. Someone with you 24/7. Loneliness can be really hard. Being a 3rd wheel amongst other friends who are couples is really hard. Coming home to an empty house 24/7 for years on end is really hard. It is hard to imagine or understand unless you yourself have gone years without a partner in-hand. I am so busy with my young family, DH, job, household stuff, activities, errands, etc. that I didn't really understand this concept.
I could go on, but you get the idea.

Anyway, I posted up thread already so I won't repeat, but I did want to add the aforementioned in case it was helpful.

No one is not understanding the need for companionship. What we don't understand is the need for marriage, which complicates financial matters greatly. All of what you wrote above can be achieved without marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I agree that they could live together and not be married. That would make things a lot easier legally. I just don’t want to damage my relationship with my father by trying to talk him out of a relationship. I’ll have to see how this plays out over time. Thanks for all of the suggestions.

[Anonymous]

You need to understand the motivation of marriage beyond companionship. Does she need financial support from your father? Before my mother passed away, she made sure to let my father know NOT to start relationships with certain friends of hers because they weren’t on equal footing financially. My father does have a female companion now but it’s been clearly established that they will not marry. Too many kids, too many complications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It looks like my widower father (80) might be remarrying. I (his child) am designated as the beneficiary on all of his accounts - savings, life insurance, etc. If he does, indeed, remarry, how can I protect his new wife from taking his funds? I intend to use his money in the event he becomes unable to care for himself to pay for home health care, assisted living, etc. Any money in his accounts will not be for me - I don’t need it.

But you want it. Come on, at least, be honest with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like my widower father (80) might be remarrying. I (his child) am designated as the beneficiary on all of his accounts - savings, life insurance, etc. If he does, indeed, remarry, how can I protect his new wife from taking his funds? I intend to use his money in the event he becomes unable to care for himself to pay for home health care, assisted living, etc. Any money in his accounts will not be for me - I don’t need it.

But you want it. Come on, at least, be honest with yourself.

Not OP, but I want my mother to be comfortably provided for. She and my dad did plenty for me already (college, a car, a wedding), and if I never see another dime, that's fine.

I don't think I'm unusual.

[Anonymous]

My MIL remarried at age 73 to a similar aged widower. Prior to remarrying, she was in a comfortable financial situation while he had more assets and income. It's a great win for both: she takes care of him, and his financial resources afforded her a better lifestyle (not luxury by any means, just a step up). They've had many great years so far, though he's slowing down with pains and memory loss, so we foresee greater need for care soon. A lot of the burden of care will fall on her, and they will need to tap into his main asset to pay for a lot of it.

I think the woman's financial situation has a bearing in this situation. Is she fully independent and in good health? Does she have huge debt? Is she supporting anyone? Just some food for thought. You definitely want to preserve some of his assets for future care, and it's just prudent financial planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to be married to enjoy companionship. Getting married at his age is just asking for complications, and completely unnecessary.

For some people, their religious beliefs will not allow them to share a bed with someone who isn't their spouse. I'm the pp immediately above and that was the case with my FIL and his new wife; they wanted to be able to travel together but she said there's no way she'd share a bedroom with a man who wasn't her husband.

Just throwing this out there that this is also how some (notice I said some) women manipulate men into marrying them so they can have control over their finances. I’d be very skeptical if I were OP that her father’s girlfriend has the best of intentions.

If the woman is active in her church and goes often then this reason has a lot of merit. If she is not then I would be very concerned. As other pp have suggested talk to your dad about speaking with a lawyer and making sure items that will affect your dad's care as he ages are taken care of as best as possible. Do this openly. Do not hide what you are doing from the new wife. You love your dad. She loves your dad. She should have no issue with any of this if they are getting married for love.

I know you don't need the money but think about if there are any items from your mom that you would like. Pictures, jewelry, photo albums, things in the china cabinet. Talk to your dad about these items. Figure out if these are items he can specifically list in a will or maybe just give you now. You want to make sure it is clear that these items are special to you and you don't want them to be sold, tossed or donated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you don’t get to decide. The wife will make all those decisions. She might prefer to care for him at home so she doesn’t have to pay for a nursing home.

This usually doesn’t end well. Why is he marrying?!? She sounds like a gold digger. Make sure that if there’s anything of your moms you’d like, you get it before they get married. My mom didn’t even get her moms wedding rings. Her step mom pawned then after her dad died.

+1

Annnnnndddd this is how this always ends.