Concerned about future with DH due to MIL/In laws
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Anonymous
| Get out before you have kids. If you divorce, he will take the kids to visit her and you will have no controller over what they’re exposed to. The problem is your husband, not your MIL - his inability to stand up for you and put her in her place will never change and will only get worse. Been there, done that. |
Anonymous
| I would not leave your husband over this. I would try therapy. If he absolutely refuses therapy and he refuses to be a united from with mommy dearest, then I might wonder about the marriage. |
Anonymous
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BTDT. This isn't an MIL problem. It is a DH problem. Your DH is unwilling to hold his mother accountable for her unacceptable behavior. As a PP noted, therapy can really help with this. His reactions have been shaped since infancy and her behaviors are his 'normal'. It's not a 'normal' you're willing to accept. If he's unwilling to do therapy or if it's not successful, you should continue with individual therapy to help you learn how to respond and to figure out what you want to do.
I, too, had an IL problem (Something was wrong with me because they're perfect and everyone loves them!). Therapy really helped us but DH still struggled. He made good effort so I went along. It wasn't until after they were dead that he finally acknowledged they were messed up. The longer they're gone, the more clear it is to him. |
Anonymous
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As I child of an alcoholic parent - there is absolutely no point in arguing about anything with an alcoholic WHILE THEY ARE DRUNK. Don't waste your time and energy, and definitely don't hope for any resolution, moment of revelation or intelligent discussion.
Just try to avoid the situation where you even meet her under these circumstances, and if that cannot be done, keep the interaction basic and minimal. "You think Obama is the worst president? Here, do you want more coleslaw?". When she's sober, you can switch to: "You think Obama is the worst president? I happen to be convinced Trump is the worst president. Lets agree to disagree." And make clear to your husband that you refuse to participate in nasty situations and ridiculous arguments, so you'll be limiting your interaction with mom, however he is, of course, free to spend time and communicate with mom as much as he likes. You may reconsider if things [meaning: her attitude] improves. |
Anonymous
OP here. I had set up really good boundaries at the beginning where I would not see her or interact with her much. Over the years she has infiltrated my space and tried to show she has improved. Every time I let my guard down, her crazy pops up again. |
Anonymous
| How old is she? It would bother me less is she were really old 75+... my own grandma is racist and homophobic... I don’t argue with her and pretend to not hear her... she was different when she was young, but at 95 there is no point is feeling upset or trying to change her mind... |
Anonymous
Just to add, it would bother me more that DH does not see the lack of intelligence and self awareness in his own mom.... Everything you mentioned as examples screams racist, but also ignorant and stupid... Racist people are ignorant and stupid.... I can’t tolerate Stupid |
Anonymous
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She won’t have significant influence over your (future) kids. As the parent, you can set boundaries and enforce them (when she she acts out, the visit is over, etc.). Your kids will observe this. It’s a part of life, and it won’t hurt them to take it in and understand. They can learn from how you deal with it.
No matter what shenanigans your kids observe, you and your DH are their primary influence. How you raise them is what will shape them — the values your family lives by — and they will eventually be able to observe your MIL with a critical, distanced eye. My kids and I have had many conversations about family members whose behavior and value system seems to be at odds with our own. They make observations, and we talk about it. It’s okay. |
Anonymous
+1 he's more the problem than your MIL. you do not sound unreasonable, he needs to put his immediate family first. |
Anonymous
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My DH did not realize how much his parents affected me, even when I would cry with anticipatory anxiety at the holidays and we would inevitably end up fighting with each other when his family came to town. So I finally looked him square in the eyes one night told him that if I had better understood who his parents were, I would not have married him. I also said that his parents may yet be a deal breaker. I wasn’t threatening, just speaking the truth. He sets MUCH better boundaries with his family now.
I also said that children were off the table until he stood up to his parents. Having grown up with some family crazy, I refuse to pass the angst on to another generation. |
Anonymous
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Sorry OP, but you may the problem. I find it hard to believe your MIL just starts randomly ranting about politics then bursts into tears and storms out. with or without alcohol. Do you ever say critical or provocative things against her or her position? Why would your DH not support you if you're the victim of your crazy MIL?
Either: 1) your MIL is crazy or an alcoholic - so move far far from you inlaws and minimize contacts. Or 2) you DH is a spineless jerk - up to you, take it or leave it, or 3) you're a pot-stirrer and drama queen who then runs off to cry victim on online forums - unfortunately very common, and exhausting to the rest of us |
Anonymous
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Husband problem. My inlaws have plenty of issues but my DH is always on my side. They have adjusted over the years as they have learned what we are not putting up with.
It did take me a couple of years as a new mom to find my full confidence to just say “NO” to whatever I was not okay with. |
Anonymous
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She shouldn't be allowed near your children when she drinks.
If your husband cannot see that (among other things), then it is therapy for the both of you. |
Anonymous
| I’d be really nervous to have kids with a husband who doesn’t have my back. It’s so much more complicated when you have kids. I really like my MIL but she had a few crazy moments when our kids were younger. I knew DH would always have my back. I think I’d be really resentful if he hadn’t. |
Anonymous
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Stop having ok relations with her. Next time she says something insulting, tell her that this is not acceptable. Stop talking to her and don't accept the gifts until she apologizes and promises to stop saying such things.
You can also try snark. If your husband thinks she can talk to you like this, then honey you can also talk to her like that. Tell her so many people from (wherever she is from) are so racist and have not seen the outside world. Just have a smile on your face when you say that. Tell her if we are family, you should love (your home country) too and bombard her with boring details. Or next time she drinks, just straight out make a joke and tell her - Oh no MIL, you are going to be a drunk racist again today. Does your home, truly depict your heritage? Do you have things that remind you of your home county and show that you are an American but also more than that? Start wearing your story with pride and tell her to stop insulting you and your culture. Have a clear talk with your husband, the children might not look white. How is she going to react then? And what if they do pass off as white? will your side be completely ignored by her and your DH? Don't have a child with a man who is tied too much to his mother before setting down the rules and enforcing them. Things only get worse with such women when they turn into grandmothers from MIL. |