Concerned about future with DH due to MIL/In laws

[Anonymous]

Looking back 6 years, I wish I had run at the first red flag my MIL threw.

Now I'm 3 kids deep and feeling trapped. Covid has been the ultimate blessing for me, not having to worry about her visits. I never want it to end.

The thing is, I always got along really well with my boyfriend's mothers. I'm not close with my own mom so I really hoped to have a great relationship with my MIL. Her personality disorder is insurmountable. Sounds like yours is, too. It will likely bleed into your marriage.

[Anonymous]

No. You do not need to be "gracious" about her flaws because they will impact your life.

My DH was largely the same in the early days " just ignore it" was what he would say.

Until I was having our first child, age 37 and she started in on the whole "oh its a geriatric pregnancy, I would be worried" and then after, demanding to see our newborn when we were not taking visitors yet.

So he managed to man up and speak to her about making demands saying she was not to do it and she was to stop being rude to me.

And mostly it stuck because I think she realized she'd sacrifice her relationship with him if she didn't change.

Its your DH's job to fix this, in small incremental ways or big loud ones. Up to you and him.

[Anonymous]

DO NOT PROCREATE WITH THAT MANCHILD MOMMAS BOY! You are asking for trouble.

[Anonymous]

I think you have posted before. Everyone told you - run.

Your house, no alcohol.

Don't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Op what you do do -then- and perhaps introduce now is: you meet on neurtra turf because if a drunk is in your house, you can't get them to leave, not easily, and it becomes a scene. You drive yourself. You always have a way to drive away, yourself. Basically, you always have an escape plan. When the environment is toxic, you courteously excuse yourself and leave. Never get stuck with a drunk.

[Anonymous]

Leave. I married one of those and he is turning into his racist parents....

[Anonymous]

I would see if he is open to couple's counseling. You need to be on the same page with boundaries BEFORE having children.

[Anonymous]

I hate to tell you this, but I suspect you already know, she is going to be a constant problem. Your husband is going to have to choose between his wife and his mom. Once children get involved she will only get worse and your tolerance level for her nonsense will be zero. I speak from experience on this subject.

[Anonymous]

You leave.

Seriously. What the hell is worth staying in this situation?

Your MIL is an abusive, racist alcohlic.

Your husband either agrees with his mother or is in denial. Either way he''s not stepping up and defending you. Sure it's his coping method, but it jusn't in't going to work as a husband and god forbid a father.

He also stantds a very good chance of turning into his mother as time goes on.

Do not have kids with this man.
Divorce.
Live your best life.

[Anonymous]

Do you live in the same city? How often do you see her?

[Anonymous]

It depends on your personality.

I’m in basically the reverse situation. MIL is from a third world country and I’m a white American. She has plenty of negative stereotypes in her arsenal about American (white) culture. I’m very easygoing/empathetic and can basically let a lot of insanity roll off my back. A woman who stands her ground/is confrontational would not last.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe the depths some of you will sink to to have a (spineless) man. This woman is a racist, your husband is too, or at best a racist sympathizer, and you think it’s okay? Please learn some self respect or at least tie your tubes to save any future children. She will undoubtedly treat them like crap and they will see their father support their degradation.

[Anonymous]

If he wont support you now, he potentially wont support you with children. He may gaslight you and turn you into the instigator or you cant take a joke or why are you so serious because its easier to do that to you than stand up to his mom.

I wish I had seen the writing on the wall with my ILs. Not nearly the same issue but serious problems that I wish I wasnt dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, some examples below:

- She thinks America is the best country in the world and rubs it in my face that I grew up in the third world. Whenever politics is involved my opinion doesn't count because where I come from everything is much worse.
- Once she said, "Barack Obama was the worst president we ever had!" I said that his speech in the ME was pretty incredible. She screamed at me that Obama ruined our international reputation by bowing to foreign leaders and started crying and left the room. I had to later apologize for "upsetting her."
- She also once screamed at me at dinner saying that she was going to baptize our children because they're her grandchildren. I said this is inappropriate, got up and left. She never apologized,
- She was drunk both times.
- She will also randomly look at me and say I need to become a Republican since I need to love this country as much as she does.

One of the most gross and pathetic things in the world is the astonishing number of 50+ year old MILs who use manipulative crying to get their way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on your personality.

I’m in basically the reverse situation. MIL is from a third world country and I’m a white American. She has plenty of negative stereotypes in her arsenal about American (white) culture. I’m very easygoing/empathetic and can basically let a lot of insanity roll off my back. A woman who stands her ground/is confrontational would not last.

NP. Asking seriously, PP: Do you have children, and if so, how do you handle (or plan to handle when they're old enough to comprehend) her stereotyping speeches and "insanity"? Maybe you have kids and live far from her, so the offensiveness is confined to a few visits a year? You can let her commentary roll off your back, but kids who hear this crap from adults in their lives can either pick it up, or get confused when grandma spews toxic idiocy and mom (and dad?) say, oh, ignore her. If you're seeing her seldom, it's definitely workable, but if she lives nearby and expects to be in the kids lives, it can be a nightmare. What do you do? and does your husband have your back every time?

An aside -- in OP's case I would sit down with the list she provided here, and have a very serious talk with the DH about whether jobs permit them to move away from the MIL. Period. Post after post after post on DCUM about in-laws is about situations where the couple simply lives too damn close to the in-laws and everyone is up in each others' lives all the time. If OP's DH will not recognize that his mother is making his wife reconsider the entire marriage, it may not be worth salvaging. I would give serious couples therapy a shot if the DH has other redeeming qualities as a man and husband, of course, if he is open to seeing a problem and establishing firm boundaries and, yes, putting geographic distance between HIS family (him plus wife IS a family, kids or no kids) and his parents. And yes, I would say the same to a husband whose wife was like the OP's DH re: mother.