Concerned about future with DH due to MIL/In laws

[Anonymous]

So my MIL and I are like oil and water. We got off to a rough start as she was not happy about the fact that her son brought home a POC woman. Over the years we made amends and she has sofetend her stance towards me considerably. She gets me nice presents and is supportive of our marriage. We have a pretty decent relationship these days. She can't help who she is, however. She is prone to make awkward and rude comments about politics, other minorities and is always full of hysteria and paranoia. It is especially bad when she drinks. When she drinks she is a bull in a china shop and can be mean, aggressive and rude. She is also prone to drama and is emotionally manipulative.

The problem is she loves the idea of her "close family." My husband is a momma's boy and will not see any of her issues.

I can deal with her on my own but I dislike the idea of subjecting my children to such chaos. I imagine if we have kids, and we invite her to a birthday party, she will come, get drunk and act out.

My husband thinks I am overreacting and that my MIL loves me and I should be gracious about her flaws.

WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Can you share a specific example of what you're talking about? You're speaking in such generalities it's hard to gauge the situation. Cutting your grandchildren off from their grandmother, and persuading your DH to do the same is a big deal. How close you live to each other?

[Anonymous]

One thing to consider is that your MIL would likely do anything for her grandchildren (given her desire for a close family). That gives you the opportunity to lay down some ground rules in advance - no drinking in front of the kids/no talking politics/etc. And if she says anything racist, you shut it all down right away.

[Anonymous]

Well, some examples below:

- She thinks America is the best country in the world and rubs it in my face that I grew up in the third world. Whenever politics is involved my opinion doesn't count because where I come from everything is much worse.
- Once she said, "Barack Obama was the worst president we ever had!" I said that his speech in the ME was pretty incredible. She screamed at me that Obama ruined our international reputation by bowing to foreign leaders and started crying and left the room. I had to later apologize for "upsetting her."
- She also once screamed at me at dinner saying that she was going to baptize our children because they're her grandchildren. I said this is inappropriate, got up and left. She never apologized,
- She was drunk both times.
- She will also randomly look at me and say I need to become a Republican since I need to love this country as much as she does.

[Anonymous]

How did you and your husband get married if he thinks her actions are just fine and that you should tolerate her bs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you and your husband get married if he thinks her actions are just fine and that you should tolerate her bs?

Well, in the beginning he would mostly tell her to back off. Now that she and I are on better terms he has relaxed some and thinks everything is OK.

[Anonymous]

Your husband's refusal to even try to see your perspective and understand where you're coming from seals the deal on this being insurmountable. I think you could potentially work through it if your husband was understanding of your concerns and it was just a MIL problem. But you have a MIL problem AND a husband problem.

If he isn't willing to support you, there's nothing else you can do. You either stick around and suffer through the manifestation of your fears, or you have to leave before there are kids involved. If your MIL doesn't respect you (and she clearly does not), she will never abide by any "ground rules" you try to set, especially because your husband won't enforce them, either. You're the bad guy no matter what.

Run.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you do not even have kids so I am not sure where all the talk about kids with her is coming up, unless you all have sex with her... if she is acting out when she is drunk then you need to remove yourself from the environment as soon as she drinks. Politely excuse yourself with whatever bs you can come up with but let your husband know the truth “I fed uncomfortable when she drinks so I am going to leave but respect you if you stay.” Who cares if she doesn’t like Obama? You don’t have to like him and are free to speak your mind about it. Not sure why you continued to engage with her if you already know how she is. In the end, be respectful, be kind, don’t engage if she isn’t in the right frame of mind and limit interactions with her if you need to

[Anonymous]

Your house = no alcohol. Kids birthday parties generally have juice or soft drinks. Out for dinner and she drinks too much, just leave. Your DH is not standing up for you, so take it into your own hands.

[Anonymous]

Er... just no.

And if your husband can’t see the issues, you’re headed for a divorce.

The longer you wait to put your foot down, the harder it will be. Tell your husband that you will not tolerate his alcoholic, abusive, racist mother any more and that he has support you no matter what otherwise it’s over. Couples must present a united front otherwise their relatives can break their marriage.

[Anonymous]

It really doesn’t sound alike you have a good relationship with her. Ugh have a husband problem.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

It sounds rough. One thing I've learned about life is not to future trip. You don't have kids yet. Don't borrow future worries. She could die before you have kids.

I'd get rid of the alcohol when she comes to your house.
If her drinking outbreaks are that bad go to Al Anon.
I learned a lot at Al Anon to help me in tough family situations that involved alcohol.

Limit your engagement with her.

She sounds psycho.

[Anonymous]

Therapy, therapy, therapy. My DH's mom was like this and he finally understood it after going to therapy that she is an alcoholic narcissist. He has been able to make very clear boundaries now that he is aware of it & has changed his entire relationship with his mom. We are still cordial and she is involved with our kids and we do all of the "close family" stuff like holidays, but at an emotional arm's length and never involving alcohol.

[Anonymous]

OP, You sound like a very nice person. It does not sound like she is an alcoholic but it does sound like she has a problem with alcohol.

I learned a lot from Al Anon in dealing with the family dynamics in which alcohol is a problem with some family members. Al Anon helped me to toughen up if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy, therapy, therapy. My DH's mom was like this and he finally understood it after going to therapy that she is an alcoholic narcissist. He has been able to make very clear boundaries now that he is aware of it & has changed his entire relationship with his mom. We are still cordial and she is involved with our kids and we do all of the "close family" stuff like holidays, but at an emotional arm's length and never involving alcohol.

I'm this PP and I would like to add that my DH didn't understand how toxic his mom was until he went to therapy - growing up with an alcoholic narcissist parent really messes with how you view the world and how you view the narcissist parent. His mom convinced him from a very young age that she was an amazing parent who was responsible for all of his success. It takes work to unravel but it can be done.