If you are in a long-term partnership and not marrying, what are your reasons?

[Anonymous]

I will probably get married but we will still live in different states for a few years until all the kids are out of the houses. I'd rather be married than dating in this situation. If we were local I'd still want to live separately.

[Anonymous]

First I assume you know this isn’t really your business OP, and you know better than to ask someone this to their face, right? It just isn’t polite. But if you’re just asking on here because it’s anonymous,

1) For couples younger than 40s it’s usually because he hasn’t asked and she’s “fine” with that because she doesn’t want to lose him OR she’s not that into him so she doesn’t really care enough to be attached in a formal way. it’s easier to disentangle if someone better comes along

2) for older couples, many want their assets separate

Marriage within modern society is to establish a cohesive stable family unit for raising kids. Not really a point to marry apart from this unless ur religious or want the tax break or health insurance benefits or maybe you’re just a romantic at heart...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont understand the 'great expecitations lead to disapointments' part- that seems like a terrible way to lead your life generally, marriage certiicate or not

Pop on into that thread about DW and infrequent sex. It is a thread filled with disappointment about very basic expectations. People get complacent on the basics.

Ok, but is that a function of the institution of marriage, or merely a long-term committed relationship? You're implying that people in long-term, committed relationships who are unmarried never get complacent or have disappointments. Give me a break.

Or, maybe the implication is that it’s easier to dissolve the relationship if they aren’t married.

Bingo. Literally the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't want to get divorced.

This. My parents had a horrible marriage that ended in divorce. I want to avoid the same. Also turned off of marriage after hearing all the horror stories about custody battles, financial ruin, lawyers, etc.

Custody battles happen when you have children and split up.

Marriage simply gives you more protections and benefits for yourselves — even if you decide to split up. There is no universe where untangling finances after a long term relationship is easier with a divorce.

[Anonymous]

In two couples I know in long term partnerships, the female is the breadwinner and bought the house they live in the female’s name. The males in both cases have significant debt, bankruptcies, and unstable employment. One couple has children together. Both couples are over 40, never married.

[Anonymous]

I am admittedly jaded about marriage since my first marriage failed. And reading all these sexless marriage threads confirms my belief that marriage often tanks your sex life, which is the death spiral of any relationship. So why would I entangle families and assets? We have a great long-term relationship, and if it starts to wind down then we can simply go our separate ways. Not every relationship has to go the distance for it to be successful.

[Anonymous]

My partner and I both are high net worth people with adult children and grandchildren. Not marrying has allowed estate planning to be a non issue. Like a PP we do have a joint account that covers shared expenses. But if I want to give cash gifts to my children or a charity I have my own account and I never have to discuss it with my partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's old fashioned, I don't need it, I have no desire to mix finances. That being said, I am considering it, but it seems like something old people really worry about.

How old are you?

33

[Anonymous]

I've been with my partner for eight years. He's a wonderful man, who let me know within the first year that he wants to marry me. We've recently decided to do so in 2022.

I've been more reticent for two reasons. First, taxes. We'd have to pay a lot more in taxes because of a significant income difference and the loss of head of household status.

Second, and this is definitely a result of my personal baggage, is I got a lot of comfort from the idea that if it wasn't going to work out, I am within my power to just tell him to leave. I own the house. I pay the bulk of the bills. I am in control. (at least I feel that way) However, over the last year or so, I feel uncomfortable with the idea that I wouldn't have any say in his care if something happened to him; and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

I married and divorced in my 20s, walking away with one child and a lot of personal trauma. Getting out of a bad marriage intact was really hard, and I have zero interest in ever allowing another person that kind of legal or emotional control in my life again.

I've been in a committed long term relationship with my non-husband for the last 17 years. We have raised my son from my first marriage, and had two additional children together. We're happy and well. I have zero doubts about our commitment to each other, but I have no desire to get married. What would it add to my life? I adore him, he likes me, we share kids and resources. We're well off but not crazy loaded so it's not like we have insane estate planning needs. We're not religious so I don't need to ask for anyone's blessing on our relationship. Our families are fine and life is good and uncomplicated. He would have tied the knot years ago, but is fine staying as-is for my sake. Maybe it's just stupid emotional baggage, but I feel happy and strong and am totally at peace with our situation. If anything, it makes me happy to have found a way around an institution that nearly kicked my @(#*.

I'll add that most of our friends and colleagues assume we're married. I don't advertise our situation, but I'm sure not ashamed of it in any way and enjoy "dating" the man I love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married and divorced in my 20s, walking away with one child and a lot of personal trauma. Getting out of a bad marriage intact was really hard, and I have zero interest in ever allowing another person that kind of legal or emotional control in my life again.

I've been in a committed long term relationship with my non-husband for the last 17 years. We have raised my son from my first marriage, and had two additional children together. We're happy and well. I have zero doubts about our commitment to each other, but I have no desire to get married. What would it add to my life? I adore him, he likes me, we share kids and resources. We're well off but not crazy loaded so it's not like we have insane estate planning needs. We're not religious so I don't need to ask for anyone's blessing on our relationship. Our families are fine and life is good and uncomplicated. He would have tied the knot years ago, but is fine staying as-is for my sake. Maybe it's just stupid emotional baggage, but I feel happy and strong and am totally at peace with our situation. If anything, it makes me happy to have found a way around an institution that nearly kicked my @(#*.

I'll add that most of our friends and colleagues assume we're married. I don't advertise our situation, but I'm sure not ashamed of it in any way and enjoy "dating" the man I love.

My MIL refers to my BIL’s partner as DIL. Weird and even the partner thinks it’s weird. I think it’s bc MIL wishes it were true and wants to normalize it in her mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married and divorced in my 20s, walking away with one child and a lot of personal trauma. Getting out of a bad marriage intact was really hard, and I have zero interest in ever allowing another person that kind of legal or emotional control in my life again.

I've been in a committed long term relationship with my non-husband for the last 17 years. We have raised my son from my first marriage, and had two additional children together. We're happy and well. I have zero doubts about our commitment to each other, but I have no desire to get married. What would it add to my life? I adore him, he likes me, we share kids and resources. We're well off but not crazy loaded so it's not like we have insane estate planning needs. We're not religious so I don't need to ask for anyone's blessing on our relationship. Our families are fine and life is good and uncomplicated. He would have tied the knot years ago, but is fine staying as-is for my sake. Maybe it's just stupid emotional baggage, but I feel happy and strong and am totally at peace with our situation. If anything, it makes me happy to have found a way around an institution that nearly kicked my @(#*.

I'll add that most of our friends and colleagues assume we're married. I don't advertise our situation, but I'm sure not ashamed of it in any way and enjoy "dating" the man I love.

My MIL refers to my BIL’s partner as DIL. Weird and even the partner thinks it’s weird. I think it’s bc MIL wishes it were true and wants to normalize it in her mind.

NP/unmarried long-term partner here. I call my partner's mother my MIL. She lives with us and there's less lengthy explanation required to just say "MIL" since a lot of people I mention this to are already blown away by the fact that I "let" her live with us. It just gets into a conversation I don't feel like having, and explanations I don't owe, about things that aren't people's business. I think she calls me her DIL, probably more because she doesn't love that her son and I aren't actually married.

We did originally plan on getting married but it took a long time to arrive at that point. Then, after 5 years together, I got pregnant (on a fluke, I was on BC) and had the baby, and I did not think there was a chance we were going to survive that insanely difficult first year as parents together, so I refused to plan a wedding. Then he became resentful of my refusal so he decided HE didn't want to get married, even after we did indeed survive the first year and those after. We are still together...mostly by a thread. I don't know if we are going to make it. I don't know if I want to. For now I just take it one day at a time because a) who wants to separate in the middle of a pandemic, b) we'd like to provide an intact family for our child, and c) I think we both know splitting would be trading one set of problems for another. Will it get to the point where I'd rather have the other problems, the custody battle, the missing my child 50% of the time, the single income, the likely loneliness? Probably. But that point isn't today. So we're still together, unmarried.

But like another poster said, I don't think I'll ever get married. If and when we do split, I will hold onto my freedom and emotional agency like my life depends on it. When people ask me why we don't get married, I just say, "do you know how much a divorce costs?" In reality, of course, remaining unmarried has cost me much more in the long run, but it usually shuts people up.

[Anonymous]

Just thought about how Bloomberg has been with his girlfriend for 20 years, so clearly it work well for some

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im in a long term partnership and have 2 kids. Not married b/c we started to deal with the pre nup and it was a headache and we just never dealt with it. I actually don't have a lot of assets now but I'll inherit between 5-10M through a trust my parents set up (yes i know inheritance is not martial property but its pretty easy to commingle) and they're annoying/protective (i mean that in a loving, thankful, grateful way) about it. After my first kid my dad and I set up estate planning that controls anything if i die before my kids or that deals with what happens after my parents die. But i kinda defer to my parents b/c its really not my money.

I’m the poster who said she would think about getting married if I decided I wanted a child. This is the same thing for me, I don’t have a ton of assets (still more than most people my age though), but my significant other makes significantly less than me, has student loans, and has no assets. When my parents pass, I’ll inherit around two million. If you don’t mind me asking, what do you do about housing? Do you rent or own? If you bought property, did you buy it together?

I own with my dad. It’s still kind of a headache but I guess there are worse headaches.

So basically you don't get married, because you're already married to your Dad, and he's richer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First I assume you know this isn’t really your business OP, and you know better than to ask someone this to their face, right? It just isn’t polite. But if you’re just asking on here because it’s anonymous,

1) For couples younger than 40s it’s usually because he hasn’t asked and she’s “fine” with that because she doesn’t want to lose him OR she’s not that into him so she doesn’t really care enough to be attached in a formal way. it’s easier to disentangle if someone better comes along

2) for older couples, many want their assets separate

Marriage within modern society is to establish a cohesive stable family unit for raising kids. Not really a point to marry apart from this unless ur religious or want the tax break or health insurance benefits or maybe you’re just a romantic at heart...

I'm a NP, but geez, thanks Mom. You must be new here. It's literally the point of an anonymous forum.