Meeting boyfriend's kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, let me say that being a stepmom has been one of the greatest joys of my life so I am clearly all in favor of dating a man with children.

But in your case, for the child’s sake, you have to give your relationship more time and become far more serious. DH told his daughters about me long before they met me so they weren’t shocked. I didn’t meet them until we were unofficially engaged. And even then we took it slow and on their terms.

I agree in total. I love being a stepmom, adore my step kids, and love their relationships with my biological kids. But, yes, you need to wait to meet the child until you’re engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, let me say that being a stepmom has been one of the greatest joys of my life so I am clearly all in favor of dating a man with children.

But in your case, for the child’s sake, you have to give your relationship more time and become far more serious. DH told his daughters about me long before they met me so they weren’t shocked. I didn’t meet them until we were unofficially engaged. And even then we took it slow and on their terms.

I agree in total. I love being a stepmom, adore my step kids, and love their relationships with my biological kids. But, yes, you need to wait to meet the child until you’re engaged.

Why would someone want to accept a marriage proposal without knowing what kind of relationship you’d have with the children? You’re marrying a family, not just a guy. I do agree that you need to be well along in a relationship before meeting the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, let me say that being a stepmom has been one of the greatest joys of my life so I am clearly all in favor of dating a man with children.

But in your case, for the child’s sake, you have to give your relationship more time and become far more serious. DH told his daughters about me long before they met me so they weren’t shocked. I didn’t meet them until we were unofficially engaged. And even then we took it slow and on their terms.

I agree in total. I love being a stepmom, adore my step kids, and love their relationships with my biological kids. But, yes, you need to wait to meet the child until you’re engaged.

Why would someone want to accept a marriage proposal without knowing what kind of relationship you’d have with the children? You’re marrying a family, not just a guy. I do agree that you need to be well along in a relationship before meeting the children.

DP. Serious question. Do you have children? And are you married? Impacts how I frame my response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How old are you ? I wouldn’t contemplate doing this Intl you 110% convinced you want to stay. I’d say a year at least

We're both 35. I've never been married no kids

Definitely don't meet the kid before 6 months. And don't meet the kid until you're certain you want to live with the kid long term.

If you're serious about this, maybe do some research into developmentally appropriate child behavior, especially following the trauma of divorce (and yes it's a trauma even if everyone's telling you it's fine). Many a relationship has been torpedoed by the childless partner's unrealistic expectations. Get ready for tantrums, aggravation, annoyance, perseveration, bad restaurants, and copious expenses.

I’m a mom, and I’m now engaged. My fiancé met my child super early in our relationship because something came up and it was unavoidable (I needed to go to the ER after a minor car accident and there wasn’t anyone else to take me, my kid was with me and kids dad lives several states away). Looking back, I hate the advice that no one should meet a partners kid until they’re 100% sure they want to live with that child. How can you know that before you’ve met the child? How can you know you want to marry someone before meeting their child? How can you know you want to live with someone and share their responsibilities when you haven’t been introduced to what that might be like?

My fiancé is now a 50% parenting partner with me, and it took a LONG time for us to get there because I didn’t want him or my child to form too close an attachment before we knew the relationship was permanent, but I never would have known that I wanted to marry him if I hadn’t seen him interact with my child and known that he was up to the challenge of helping raise the kid. My ex is a complete of oxygen and carbon though, so I refuse to marry someone who doesn’t intend to be a full parenting partner because I can’t do it on my own and I had been doing it on my own (with a toxic ex who undermines me at every opportunity), and I can’t be a full partner to a spouse who isn’t a full partner to me.

[Anonymous]

The fact that it took a long time to get there is what is key, PP. you still protected the child from a risk of attachment, even if the child did “meet” the person before. 3 months is too soon for any of what it took to build a relationship like what you’re describing, and that is the scenario posed in OP’s question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How old are you ? I wouldn’t contemplate doing this Intl you 110% convinced you want to stay. I’d say a year at least

We're both 35. I've never been married no kids

Definitely don't meet the kid before 6 months. And don't meet the kid until you're certain you want to live with the kid long term.

If you're serious about this, maybe do some research into developmentally appropriate child behavior, especially following the trauma of divorce (and yes it's a trauma even if everyone's telling you it's fine). Many a relationship has been torpedoed by the childless partner's unrealistic expectations. Get ready for tantrums, aggravation, annoyance, perseveration, bad restaurants, and copious expenses.

I’m a mom, and I’m now engaged. My fiancé met my child super early in our relationship because something came up and it was unavoidable (I needed to go to the ER after a minor car accident and there wasn’t anyone else to take me, my kid was with me and kids dad lives several states away). Looking back, I hate the advice that no one should meet a partners kid until they’re 100% sure they want to live with that child. How can you know that before you’ve met the child? How can you know you want to marry someone before meeting their child? How can you know you want to live with someone and share their responsibilities when you haven’t been introduced to what that might be like?

My fiancé is now a 50% parenting partner with me, and it took a LONG time for us to get there because I didn’t want him or my child to form too close an attachment before we knew the relationship was permanent, but I never would have known that I wanted to marry him if I hadn’t seen him interact with my child and known that he was up to the challenge of helping raise the kid. My ex is a complete of oxygen and carbon though, so I refuse to marry someone who doesn’t intend to be a full parenting partner because I can’t do it on my own and I had been doing it on my own (with a toxic ex who undermines me at every opportunity), and I can’t be a full partner to a spouse who isn’t a full partner to me.

That you can't differentiate between an emergency situation that could have gone very wrong, but didn't and the importance of protecting a child from meeting an endless string of boyfriends and girlfriends is very telling about your overall maturity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How old are you ? I wouldn’t contemplate doing this Intl you 110% convinced you want to stay. I’d say a year at least

We're both 35. I've never been married no kids

Definitely don't meet the kid before 6 months. And don't meet the kid until you're certain you want to live with the kid long term.

If you're serious about this, maybe do some research into developmentally appropriate child behavior, especially following the trauma of divorce (and yes it's a trauma even if everyone's telling you it's fine). Many a relationship has been torpedoed by the childless partner's unrealistic expectations. Get ready for tantrums, aggravation, annoyance, perseveration, bad restaurants, and copious expenses.

I’m a mom, and I’m now engaged. My fiancé met my child super early in our relationship because something came up and it was unavoidable (I needed to go to the ER after a minor car accident and there wasn’t anyone else to take me, my kid was with me and kids dad lives several states away). Looking back, I hate the advice that no one should meet a partners kid until they’re 100% sure they want to live with that child. How can you know that before you’ve met the child? How can you know you want to marry someone before meeting their child? How can you know you want to live with someone and share their responsibilities when you haven’t been introduced to what that might be like?

My fiancé is now a 50% parenting partner with me, and it took a LONG time for us to get there because I didn’t want him or my child to form too close an attachment before we knew the relationship was permanent, but I never would have known that I wanted to marry him if I hadn’t seen him interact with my child and known that he was up to the challenge of helping raise the kid. My ex is a complete of oxygen and carbon though, so I refuse to marry someone who doesn’t intend to be a full parenting partner because I can’t do it on my own and I had been doing it on my own (with a toxic ex who undermines me at every opportunity), and I can’t be a full partner to a spouse who isn’t a full partner to me.

Ideally, you would have had EMS take you to the ER or had a back up plan. That you didn't is well, not good, what if minor had turned major? You basically left your kid in thecare of a stranger. Sure it worked out, but it's hardly ideal.

I doubt you'd advocate people let their new bf/gf just babysit their kid just to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How old are you ? I wouldn’t contemplate doing this Intl you 110% convinced you want to stay. I’d say a year at least

We're both 35. I've never been married no kids

Definitely don't meet the kid before 6 months. And don't meet the kid until you're certain you want to live with the kid long term.

If you're serious about this, maybe do some research into developmentally appropriate child behavior, especially following the trauma of divorce (and yes it's a trauma even if everyone's telling you it's fine). Many a relationship has been torpedoed by the childless partner's unrealistic expectations. Get ready for tantrums, aggravation, annoyance, perseveration, bad restaurants, and copious expenses.

I’m a mom, and I’m now engaged. My fiancé met my child super early in our relationship because something came up and it was unavoidable (I needed to go to the ER after a minor car accident and there wasn’t anyone else to take me, my kid was with me and kids dad lives several states away). Looking back, I hate the advice that no one should meet a partners kid until they’re 100% sure they want to live with that child. How can you know that before you’ve met the child? How can you know you want to marry someone before meeting their child? How can you know you want to live with someone and share their responsibilities when you haven’t been introduced to what that might be like?

My fiancé is now a 50% parenting partner with me, and it took a LONG time for us to get there because I didn’t want him or my child to form too close an attachment before we knew the relationship was permanent, but I never would have known that I wanted to marry him if I hadn’t seen him interact with my child and known that he was up to the challenge of helping raise the kid. My ex is a complete of oxygen and carbon though, so I refuse to marry someone who doesn’t intend to be a full parenting partner because I can’t do it on my own and I had been doing it on my own (with a toxic ex who undermines me at every opportunity), and I can’t be a full partner to a spouse who isn’t a full partner to me.

Ideally, you would have had EMS take you to the ER or had a back up plan. That you didn't is well, not good, what if minor had turned major? You basically left your kid in thecare of a stranger. Sure it worked out, but it's hardly ideal.

I doubt you'd advocate people let their new bf/gf just babysit their kid just to see.

PP said she needed a ride to the hospital and her child was with her, not that her boyfriend was babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Do you want kids of your own OP?

At only 3 months I think it’s easier to jump ship and find someone who’s not a parent and start your own family.. I know that sounds crash, but when you marry someone with kids you commit to having his kid AND his ex in your life for a LONG time. It’s truly like having an extra set of in-laws.

I have kids and I see how all consuming it can be. I could not provide that level of love/attention/sacrifice for someone else’s kids. I just couldn’t. I think that’s where all the “horrible stepmom” stereotypes come into play. Until you have kids

Sad but there is some truth to “horrible stepmoms”. Almost always these horrible stepmoms have their own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How old are you ? I wouldn’t contemplate doing this Intl you 110% convinced you want to stay. I’d say a year at least

We're both 35. I've never been married no kids

Definitely don't meet the kid before 6 months. And don't meet the kid until you're certain you want to live with the kid long term.

If you're serious about this, maybe do some research into developmentally appropriate child behavior, especially following the trauma of divorce (and yes it's a trauma even if everyone's telling you it's fine). Many a relationship has been torpedoed by the childless partner's unrealistic expectations. Get ready for tantrums, aggravation, annoyance, perseveration, bad restaurants, and copious expenses.

I’m a mom, and I’m now engaged. My fiancé met my child super early in our relationship because something came up and it was unavoidable (I needed to go to the ER after a minor car accident and there wasn’t anyone else to take me, my kid was with me and kids dad lives several states away). Looking back, I hate the advice that no one should meet a partners kid until they’re 100% sure they want to live with that child. How can you know that before you’ve met the child? How can you know you want to marry someone before meeting their child? How can you know you want to live with someone and share their responsibilities when you haven’t been introduced to what that might be like?

My fiancé is now a 50% parenting partner with me, and it took a LONG time for us to get there because I didn’t want him or my child to form too close an attachment before we knew the relationship was permanent, but I never would have known that I wanted to marry him if I hadn’t seen him interact with my child and known that he was up to the challenge of helping raise the kid. My ex is a complete of oxygen and carbon though, so I refuse to marry someone who doesn’t intend to be a full parenting partner because I can’t do it on my own and I had been doing it on my own (with a toxic ex who undermines me at every opportunity), and I can’t be a full partner to a spouse who isn’t a full partner to me.

You sound like a user who places a ton of responsibility on the man who didn't even father your kid. I wonder what your fiance gets out of your relationship?

[Anonymous]

Do not get with a guy with kids. You can do better.

So can he.

[Anonymous]

The reason that you wait until engagement because it is just that: a decision to marry in the future. It is not a marriage contract, it does not exercise any enforceable order or law, and you can stop the marriage process without penalty. Period. If you’ve been married, or have a child, you understand that implications of dating. In the long run, and big picture, this is a healthy thing to do for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason that you wait until engagement because it is just that: a decision to marry in the future. It is not a marriage contract, it does not exercise any enforceable order or law, and you can stop the marriage process without penalty. Period. If you’ve been married, or have a child, you understand that implications of dating. In the long run, and big picture, this is a healthy thing to do for your child.

Man here - I’d wait a long time before meeting a woman’s child but no way would I get engaged without having met them. And I can’t imagine a woman would say yes to a proposal unless she felt I got along with her child. Once we started talking about a possible future together meeting the child would become a priority. If she said “we have to get engaged before you meet my child” I would likely not ever meet her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason that you wait until engagement because it is just that: a decision to marry in the future. It is not a marriage contract, it does not exercise any enforceable order or law, and you can stop the marriage process without penalty. Period. If you’ve been married, or have a child, you understand that implications of dating. In the long run, and big picture, this is a healthy thing to do for your child.

Man here - I’d wait a long time before meeting a woman’s child but no way would I get engaged without having met them. And I can’t imagine a woman would say yes to a proposal unless she felt I got along with her child. Once we started talking about a possible future together meeting the child would become a priority. If she said “we have to get engaged before you meet my child” I would likely not ever meet her child.

We are saying the same thing: waiting a long time to meet a (wo)man’s child is good to do before marriage and a “formal” engagement. When you decide you want to share a future togerher, or decide you want to explore the possibility, then you bring your delicate children into the fold. It isn’t a secret prior to, but kids shouldn’t be forced out in stage 1-3 of the vetting process either.

Besides - What man asks a woman to marry him when he is uncertain about whether she will?

[Anonymous]

My former wife remarried. My kids met her new husband before they were officially engaged but they were headed that direction and making sure they meshed well was part of the process.

I have a GF of nine months and she has not met my kids. It is possible they would have met by now, but COVID has changed a lot of our plans.