Father who abandons kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alcoholism is a disease. This should be explained to your children.

Your children have made it clear they want to continue to have a relationship with their father, no matter what his issues are. It sounds like they are glad for any time they can get with him even if it's for short periods of time.

I am quite certain your kids can feel your disrespect and death-wish about their father. That is probably impacting how they view their visits. You are putting them in a bad position where their binds to their father are being sawed at by your negative feelings towards him.


You also call him a narcissist. Was this a professional diagnosis from a health care provider or is it your opinion?

If you want to alienate your kids from their father I'd say you are being successful.

The most important thing a divorced parent can do is foster the best relationship possible with the other parent.

You have a lot of nerve. I'm pissed on the OP's behalf just reading this crap. You think she needs a professional diagnosis from a health care provider to call him a narcissist, yet you think you can spew this crap??? Unreal. You suck, PP. OP is clearly trying to do the best thing for her kids. You really, really suck....

Thank you PP, nice to know people actually get it. The last thing I want to is to alienate him, he has chosen to do so on his own, even when we were still married. Kids sometimes don’t want to see him, but he baits them with oh I got a new puppy or I just got a new BMW or I want to show you my new TV. My girls are pretty much over it, my son still has hope. He’s crushed their hearts so many times, I’d have to fill pages and pages to describe how awful he’s been. But some People always want to find easy answers, it must be her fault bc there’s no way a man would do this to his kids. Well newsflash folks, this guy really is that bad, and he’s not the only one out there. There really are people that selfish and self absorbed and yes, he is a classic narcissist but of course he’s not diagnosed, have you ever met one that thinks they need therapy? Ha!

AlaTeen for the kids.

AlAnon for you.

[Anonymous]

AlaTeen is free.

AlAnon is free.

Neither require insurance or any costs.

[Anonymous]

The law supports children seeing their parents even if they have a disease.

OP can't "stop" her children from seeing their parent.

OP needs further guidance from a lawyer in her state. Laws will vary by state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex is an alcoholic narcissist, I’d be fine if he disappeared off the face of the earth but kids (14, 12 and 9) still want a relationship with him which I support to an extent. He has every other weekend with them but hasn’t had them overnight in about a year. He blames it on me of course, because the custody order requires him to do soberlink for overnight visits and he refuses. Knowing the kids want to see him, I end up dropping and picking them up from his house a handful of times for a couple of hours every few months. So they barely see him. When they are there he’s drunk and has his gf and her kid living with him. Lately he seems even less interested in seeing them and has cancelled on visits last minute. Kids are hurting, they don’t understand why their dad can’t be like other dads. It’s heartbreaking and I don’t know what else to tell them. I’ve repeated it over and over, it’s not your fault, he’s got issues that prevent him from showing love, etc. wondering if anyone can give me advice on what else to say to help them not feel so horrible. I am considering therapy but that can be hit or miss if you have to use insurance. Thank you

Skip saying all of this b.s.. You say he has a disease. YOu say he is an alcoholic. Get the older kids in Ala
Teen. This will help them in living in a home with a parent with alcoholism.

YOu don't make up fake diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The law supports children seeing their parents even if they have a disease.

OP can't "stop" her children from seeing their parent.

OP needs further guidance from a lawyer in her state. Laws will vary by state.

She can refuse visits. He'd have to take her to court and rarely do judges hold CP accountable.

[Anonymous]

Do the kids have a therapist? I would say they should have one. You can say you are worried that their dad’s not seeing them is really not fair to them, and you want them to have someone to talk to about it in private and to help them talk to their dad and to you about it, if they want to.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had a very similar childhood to what your kids are experiencing, except my dad stopped wanting to see us when I was 7. He, too, was an alcoholic. I haven't seen him in 38 years. He made an effort for a couple of years after divorcing my mom, but the visits were always short (never overnight) and he often stood us up. There were also times he was drunk when my mother tried to drop us off and she wheeled that car around and drove us right back home. For many years, I secretly thought it was my fault that he didn't want to see us. My mom took us to therapy and everyone would tell me that it was his problem, his disease, etc., but I couldn't really believe it until I was about 17 or so. It was hard to grow up without a dad. I knew he was out there but he wanted nothing to do with us. Fortunately, my mother's family has always been tight-knit and they stepped up for us. My mom did her best to facilitate the visits knowing there was a good chance he'd never show up or cancel at the last minute - or would be too drunk. I know it hurt her to see us upset over him. I know she felt sad that her kids were growing up without a father. We are Catholics, too, so we were literally the ONLY kids who had a single mother.

I am here to tell you that it will be ok. Whether your kids want to continue seeing him or want to break all ties with him, it will be ok. My siblings and I are happy, well-adjusted adults with families of our own. I managed to marry a guy who is the furthest thing from my dad that I could ever have hoped for. I actually think not having my father in the picture may have been less confusing and heartbreaking for us over the long haul given his condition. There were no mind games, no manipulation, no constant broken promises. We knew exactly where we stood with him because his actions consistently told us. He couldn't be bothered. He had plenty of chances to reach out to us as we grew up and he never has. It was nothing my mom did or didn't do. This is all on him.

Focus on your kids, on being the best parent to them you can be, even if your heart breaks for them over the situation. Encourage them to go to therapy if they are open to it. Encourage their relationship with other family members. Let them vent and cry to you if they need it. Be honest with them about your ex-DH's disease and let them decide whether they want to continue a relationship with him. Make sure they know they can call you at any time if they find themselves in an unsafe situation with him. As sad as it is, this is a brutal way to learn about boundaries and what kind of behavior we allow from others.

[Anonymous]

Poor kids. Do they have a therapist? Do you? That might be a good thing for all of you so that you can get better guidance on how to explain why dad is canceling, and can be a place for them to talk with someone about how they feel.

I’m sorry, alcoholism is SO HARD.

[Anonymous]

OP you are spot on. Please keep your kids away from him as MUCH as possible and have them focus on their activities and relationships that are positive interactions with your family.

Believe me, guys like this come a dime a dozen nowadays. And the previous poster who tried to lazily run a guilt trip on you is probably just like this guy or worse. They tend to validate behaviors of those like themselves.

It’s is NOT your responsibility or the kids responsibility to include him in your lives. He is a grown man, not a child.

Until he can fully and completely demonstrate that he can at the very least abide by the court order, let this post be the last bit of energy you feed him.

Best advice, surround your kids with representations of GOOD fathers , wether it be though increasing their interactions with strong family members, community members, coaches, etc. Let their definition be defined by what they see others do. Don’t waste one more minute of your precious time catering to his drama.

Hugs hun!

-Signed, Abuse Survivor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alcoholism is a disease. This should be explained to your children.

Your children have made it clear they want to continue to have a relationship with their father, no matter what his issues are. It sounds like they are glad for any time they can get with him even if it's for short periods of time.

I am quite certain your kids can feel your disrespect and death-wish about their father. That is probably impacting how they view their visits. You are putting them in a bad position where their binds to their father are being sawed at by your negative feelings towards him.

You also call him a narcissist. Was this a professional diagnosis from a health care provider or is it your opinion?

If you want to alienate your kids from their father I'd say you are being successful.

The most important thing a divorced parent can do is foster the best relationship possible with the other parent.

Yes it is but often a lot of the worst a-hole and or sociopathic behavior is a co-occurring personality disorder. For example alcoholics drink to excess but that in no way explains drinking and driving.

+1

https://www.sunshinebehavioralhealth.com/family-friends/addiction-self-centeredness/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are spot on. Please keep your kids away from him as MUCH as possible and have them focus on their activities and relationships that are positive interactions with your family.

Believe me, guys like this come a dime a dozen nowadays. And the previous poster who tried to lazily run a guilt trip on you is probably just like this guy or worse. They tend to validate behaviors of those like themselves.

It’s is NOT your responsibility or the kids responsibility to include him in your lives. He is a grown man, not a child.

Until he can fully and completely demonstrate that he can at the very least abide by the court order, let this post be the last bit of energy you feed him.

Best advice, surround your kids with representations of GOOD fathers , wether it be though increasing their interactions with strong family members, community members, coaches, etc. Let their definition be defined by what they see others do. Don’t waste one more minute of your precious time catering to his drama.

Hugs hun!

-Signed, Abuse Survivor

Amazing advice!

[Anonymous]

Yet another +1 for AlAnon/AlTeen or whatever support group you can find to make your kids understand that this is not unique to THEIR relationship with their father, but alcoholics.

Also, call your lawyer. Dropping off your kids when he's drunk is not okay. Normalizing his drunken behavior is not okay for your kids to be seeing as the "usual" when they interact with their father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a very similar childhood to what your kids are experiencing, except my dad stopped wanting to see us when I was 7. He, too, was an alcoholic. I haven't seen him in 38 years. He made an effort for a couple of years after divorcing my mom, but the visits were always short (never overnight) and he often stood us up. There were also times he was drunk when my mother tried to drop us off and she wheeled that car around and drove us right back home. For many years, I secretly thought it was my fault that he didn't want to see us. My mom took us to therapy and everyone would tell me that it was his problem, his disease, etc., but I couldn't really believe it until I was about 17 or so. It was hard to grow up without a dad. I knew he was out there but he wanted nothing to do with us. Fortunately, my mother's family has always been tight-knit and they stepped up for us. My mom did her best to facilitate the visits knowing there was a good chance he'd never show up or cancel at the last minute - or would be too drunk. I know it hurt her to see us upset over him. I know she felt sad that her kids were growing up without a father. We are Catholics, too, so we were literally the ONLY kids who had a single mother.

I am here to tell you that it will be ok. Whether your kids want to continue seeing him or want to break all ties with him, it will be ok. My siblings and I are happy, well-adjusted adults with families of our own. I managed to marry a guy who is the furthest thing from my dad that I could ever have hoped for. I actually think not having my father in the picture may have been less confusing and heartbreaking for us over the long haul given his condition. There were no mind games, no manipulation, no constant broken promises. We knew exactly where we stood with him because his actions consistently told us. He couldn't be bothered. He had plenty of chances to reach out to us as we grew up and he never has. It was nothing my mom did or didn't do. This is all on him.

Focus on your kids, on being the best parent to them you can be, even if your heart breaks for them over the situation. Encourage them to go to therapy if they are open to it. Encourage their relationship with other family members. Let them vent and cry to you if they need it. Be honest with them about your ex-DH's disease and let them decide whether they want to continue a relationship with him. Make sure they know they can call you at any time if they find themselves in an unsafe situation with him. As sad as it is, this is a brutal way to learn about boundaries and what kind of behavior we allow from others.

Thank you!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are spot on. Please keep your kids away from him as MUCH as possible and have them focus on their activities and relationships that are positive interactions with your family.

Believe me, guys like this come a dime a dozen nowadays. And the previous poster who tried to lazily run a guilt trip on you is probably just like this guy or worse. They tend to validate behaviors of those like themselves.

It’s is NOT your responsibility or the kids responsibility to include him in your lives. He is a grown man, not a child.

Until he can fully and completely demonstrate that he can at the very least abide by the court order, let this post be the last bit of energy you feed him.

Best advice, surround your kids with representations of GOOD fathers , wether it be though increasing their interactions with strong family members, community members, coaches, etc. Let their definition be defined by what they see others do. Don’t waste one more minute of your precious time catering to his drama.

Hugs hun!

-Signed, Abuse Survivor

Thank you so much!!!

[Anonymous]

Man this thread brought out all the defensive alcoholic fathers who don’t see their kids. Ignore these fools OP. My father is an alcoholic and I am forever grateful for my stable mother. When I was a teen and they divorced I didn’t want to see my dad not because my mom manipulated me into it but because he was a drunk!! What teen or kid wants to spend time with a drunk father??? This is not something that needs to be pushed and I am so grateful my mom didn’t push it.