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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I had a very similar childhood to what your kids are experiencing, except my dad stopped wanting to see us when I was 7.  He, too, was an alcoholic.  I haven't seen him in 38 years.  He made an effort for a couple of years after divorcing my mom, but the visits were always short (never overnight) and he often stood us up.  There were also times he was drunk when my mother tried to drop us off and she wheeled that car around and drove us right back home.  For many years, I secretly thought it was my fault that he didn't want to see us.  My mom took us to therapy and everyone would tell me that it was his problem, his disease, etc., but I couldn't really believe it until I was about 17 or so.  It was hard to grow up without a dad.  I knew he was out there but he wanted nothing to do with us.  Fortunately, my mother's family has always been tight-knit and they stepped up for us.  My mom did her best to facilitate the visits knowing there was a good chance he'd never show up or cancel at the last minute - or would be too drunk.  I know it hurt her to see us upset over him.  I know she felt sad that her kids were growing up without a father.  We are Catholics, too, so we were literally the ONLY kids who had a single mother.

I am here to tell you that it will be ok.  Whether your kids want to continue seeing him or want to break all ties with him, it will be ok.  My siblings and I are happy, well-adjusted adults with families of our own.  I managed to marry a guy who is the furthest thing from my dad that I could ever have hoped for.  I actually think not having my father in the picture may have been less confusing and heartbreaking for us over the long haul given his condition.  There were no mind games, no manipulation, no constant broken promises. We knew exactly where we stood with him because his actions consistently told us.  He couldn't be bothered.  He had plenty of chances to reach out to us as we grew up and he never has. It was nothing my mom did or didn't do.  This is all on him.

Focus on your kids, on being the best parent to them you can be, even if your heart breaks for them over the situation.  Encourage them to go to therapy if they are open to it.  Encourage their relationship with other family members.  Let them vent and cry to you if they need it.  Be honest with them about your ex-DH's disease and let them decide whether they want to continue a relationship with him.  Make sure they know they can call you at any time if they find themselves in an unsafe situation with him.  As sad as it is, this is a brutal way to learn about boundaries and what kind of behavior we allow from others.  [/quote]

Thank you!!![/quote]

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