If you were a stepparent who divorced, did you feel used by your spouse and stepkid(s)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who marries a divorced man with a living ex wife and children is crazy.

My first marriage was a widower and even that isn't all beer and skittles.

[Anonymous]

Investing in children who are not your own is fundamentally at odds with human nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have seen this happen and it is a no win situation.
As an ex-step parent who was married through the child-support years, I would advise her to RUN.

Details please!

[Anonymous]

I assume that OP's friend does not have kids. Depending on how they set up their finances I do not think she would have to financially contribute in a material way. For example, they could contribute pro rata by income to a joint account from which joint expenses are paid (i.e. food, mortgage, utilities, whatever else). They could maintain separate accounts for their personal expenses (i.e. college funds for kids, clothes or early retirement account for OP's friend). There will be some overlap here because obviously the kids eat food and increase utility costs but most of the expenses for the children would come from the parent.

I really doubt children would even notice this type of setup unless OP's friend makes a boatload of money and lives like a rockstar and the husband does not make much money.

I can see this being a much more difficult situation if OP's friend has more kids with the guy or if OP's friend had existing children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume that OP's friend does not have kids. Depending on how they set up their finances I do not think she would have to financially contribute in a material way. For example, they could contribute pro rata by income to a joint account from which joint expenses are paid (i.e. food, mortgage, utilities, whatever else). They could maintain separate accounts for their personal expenses (i.e. college funds for kids, clothes or early retirement account for OP's friend). There will be some overlap here because obviously the kids eat food and increase utility costs but most of the expenses for the children would come from the parent.

I really doubt children would even notice this type of setup unless OP's friend makes a boatload of money and lives like a rockstar and the husband does not make much money.

I can see this being a much more difficult situation if OP's friend has more kids with the guy or if OP's friend had existing children.

What if the stepkid's bio mom couldn't pay for things or wants more child support? What is the stepmom gonna do? I would suggest separate accounts and never conmingling their finances. Depending on how often the teens are with them, OP's friend can negotiate to pay a lower percentage of the utilities, groceries, etc. Don't contribute to mortgage unless he puts her name on the deed. Women need to be smart and know how to not get manipulated by men and kids who play the "we didn't choose you as our stepmom" card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume that OP's friend does not have kids. Depending on how they set up their finances I do not think she would have to financially contribute in a material way. For example, they could contribute pro rata by income to a joint account from which joint expenses are paid (i.e. food, mortgage, utilities, whatever else). They could maintain separate accounts for their personal expenses (i.e. college funds for kids, clothes or early retirement account for OP's friend). There will be some overlap here because obviously the kids eat food and increase utility costs but most of the expenses for the children would come from the parent.

I really doubt children would even notice this type of setup unless OP's friend makes a boatload of money and lives like a rockstar and the husband does not make much money.

I can see this being a much more difficult situation if OP's friend has more kids with the guy or if OP's friend had existing children.

What if the stepkid's bio mom couldn't pay for things or wants more child support? What is the stepmom gonna do? I would suggest separate accounts and never conmingling their finances. Depending on how often the teens are with them, OP's friend can negotiate to pay a lower percentage of the utilities, groceries, etc. Don't contribute to mortgage unless he puts her name on the deed. Women need to be smart and know how to not get manipulated by men and kids who play the "we didn't choose you as our stepmom" card.

I think that's exactly what I said. If biomom wants more support she goes to the dad/husband and he can choose to pay out of his separate accounts or not.

I disagree with your statement about not contributing to the mortgage per se. If she is living in his house she would pay him a market amount for "rent" so to speak although as a renter she would not pay for repairs/upgrades. Or they can refinance and add her to the deed, either option can work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume that OP's friend does not have kids. Depending on how they set up their finances I do not think she would have to financially contribute in a material way. For example, they could contribute pro rata by income to a joint account from which joint expenses are paid (i.e. food, mortgage, utilities, whatever else). They could maintain separate accounts for their personal expenses (i.e. college funds for kids, clothes or early retirement account for OP's friend). There will be some overlap here because obviously the kids eat food and increase utility costs but most of the expenses for the children would come from the parent.

I really doubt children would even notice this type of setup unless OP's friend makes a boatload of money and lives like a rockstar and the husband does not make much money.

I can see this being a much more difficult situation if OP's friend has more kids with the guy or if OP's friend had existing children.

What if the stepkid's bio mom couldn't pay for things or wants more child support? What is the stepmom gonna do? I would suggest separate accounts and never conmingling their finances. Depending on how often the teens are with them, OP's friend can negotiate to pay a lower percentage of the utilities, groceries, etc. Don't contribute to mortgage unless he puts her name on the deed. Women need to be smart and know how to not get manipulated by men and kids who play the "we didn't choose you as our stepmom" card.

Until kids are adults as a stepparent you want to keep finances separate. Otherwise a court could look at a checking or savings account as part of the child support calculation. My husband's ex filed on him claiming his household income is higher after we got married and child support should be based off of household income and not just his. I was surprised the court even allowed it to be heard. However, the judge said no to her request and it was recalculated taking her off of alimony and two out of three kids off child support so she did a serious screw up. They also did use my income in the child support calculation as he paid higher taxes because of my income and so his child support was calculated with that in mind. But, she demanded to see all my financial information. It was funny as she left my husband to be with her AP turned live in boyfriend but refused to produce his income and what he paid in terms of expenses as if mine was used, so should his.

I wouldn't tell a woman to run because of child support. Eventually it is over. We counted the days after she took us to court and it was so nice to be done with it and not have to have her screaming calls about it being late as she demanded it go through the child support office/garnishment after the hearing and didn't realize it could take up to two weeks to get her check each month vs. husband sending it a few days early before the 1st of the month.

I have no regrets marrying. I am grateful the kids are adults and we don't have to deal with her nastiness or drama anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume that OP's friend does not have kids. Depending on how they set up their finances I do not think she would have to financially contribute in a material way. For example, they could contribute pro rata by income to a joint account from which joint expenses are paid (i.e. food, mortgage, utilities, whatever else). They could maintain separate accounts for their personal expenses (i.e. college funds for kids, clothes or early retirement account for OP's friend). There will be some overlap here because obviously the kids eat food and increase utility costs but most of the expenses for the children would come from the parent.

I really doubt children would even notice this type of setup unless OP's friend makes a boatload of money and lives like a rockstar and the husband does not make much money.

I can see this being a much more difficult situation if OP's friend has more kids with the guy or if OP's friend had existing children.

What if the stepkid's bio mom couldn't pay for things or wants more child support? What is the stepmom gonna do? I would suggest separate accounts and never conmingling their finances. Depending on how often the teens are with them, OP's friend can negotiate to pay a lower percentage of the utilities, groceries, etc. Don't contribute to mortgage unless he puts her name on the deed. Women need to be smart and know how to not get manipulated by men and kids who play the "we didn't choose you as our stepmom" card.

I think that's exactly what I said. If biomom wants more support she goes to the dad/husband and he can choose to pay out of his separate accounts or not.

I disagree with your statement about not contributing to the mortgage per se. If she is living in his house she would pay him a market amount for "rent" so to speak although as a renter she would not pay for repairs/upgrades. Or they can refinance and add her to the deed, either option can work.

If she wants more support she needs to go to court and get it modified. She can ask Dad to voluntarily pay more, but he can say no or offer to buy what the kids need vs. sending her money.

There are all sorts of arrangements. Its pretty hard not to spend your money on the kids. I had no issue buying clothing and food. They are kids. Its not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume that OP's friend does not have kids. Depending on how they set up their finances I do not think she would have to financially contribute in a material way. For example, they could contribute pro rata by income to a joint account from which joint expenses are paid (i.e. food, mortgage, utilities, whatever else). They could maintain separate accounts for their personal expenses (i.e. college funds for kids, clothes or early retirement account for OP's friend). There will be some overlap here because obviously the kids eat food and increase utility costs but most of the expenses for the children would come from the parent.

I really doubt children would even notice this type of setup unless OP's friend makes a boatload of money and lives like a rockstar and the husband does not make much money.

I can see this being a much more difficult situation if OP's friend has more kids with the guy or if OP's friend had existing children.

What if the stepkid's bio mom couldn't pay for things or wants more child support? What is the stepmom gonna do? I would suggest separate accounts and never conmingling their finances. Depending on how often the teens are with them, OP's friend can negotiate to pay a lower percentage of the utilities, groceries, etc. Don't contribute to mortgage unless he puts her name on the deed. Women need to be smart and know how to not get manipulated by men and kids who play the "we didn't choose you as our stepmom" card.

I think that's exactly what I said. If biomom wants more support she goes to the dad/husband and he can choose to pay out of his separate accounts or not.

I disagree with your statement about not contributing to the mortgage per se. If she is living in his house she would pay him a market amount for "rent" so to speak although as a renter she would not pay for repairs/upgrades. Or they can refinance and add her to the deed, either option can work.

If she wants more support she needs to go to court and get it modified. She can ask Dad to voluntarily pay more, but he can say no or offer to buy what the kids need vs. sending her money.

There are all sorts of arrangements. Its pretty hard not to spend your money on the kids. I had no issue buying clothing and food. They are kids. Its not a big deal.

Issues will ALWAYS crop up with stepkids. My advice is to never marry someone who has children - ever. No matter what you wind up subsidizing those kids somehow, some way, some day. And you WILL feel used.

My SO decided to voluntarily continue with "child" support for two years AFTER his requirement to do so. From ages 21-23 he paid it directly to his daughter. She did not need the money as she is a trust fund baby and her education was completely paid for, as were all her other living expenses including her own apartment, utilities, car/insurance, etc. She admittedly told us she was spending an additional $1,000 per month on "socializing" which was the amount he was paying her.

If we were married or had co-mingled finances I would have been livid. As it was, he was living in my home and paying me some "rent" as others have mentioned but it was well below what market value would have been in the DC area. (He had been paying $2300 in rent at an apt. and paid me $750 to live in a single-family home, inclusive of all utilities including cable.)

He would not have been able to pay his DD $1,000 in party money every month if I had not, indirectly, subsidized his living expenses. Nor would he have been able to provide her the expensive gifts he gave her over the years, like overseas vacations, latest electronics, designer clothes, jewelry, etc. No surprise I still harbor resentment over that!

Point is that once someone has kids there will be issues for the rest of your life. And many times you won't just feel used - you WILL be used. Don't expect any thanks for it either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Issues will ALWAYS crop up with stepkids. My advice is to never marry someone who has children - ever. No matter what you wind up subsidizing those kids somehow, some way, some day. And you WILL feel used.

My SO decided to voluntarily continue with "child" support for two years AFTER his requirement to do so. From ages 21-23 he paid it directly to his daughter. She did not need the money as she is a trust fund baby and her education was completely paid for, as were all her other living expenses including her own apartment, utilities, car/insurance, etc. She admittedly told us she was spending an additional $1,000 per month on "socializing" which was the amount he was paying her.

If we were married or had co-mingled finances I would have been livid. As it was, he was living in my home and paying me some "rent" as others have mentioned but it was well below what market value would have been in the DC area. (He had been paying $2300 in rent at an apt. and paid me $750 to live in a single-family home, inclusive of all utilities including cable.)

He would not have been able to pay his DD $1,000 in party money every month if I had not, indirectly, subsidized his living expenses. Nor would he have been able to provide her the expensive gifts he gave her over the years, like overseas vacations, latest electronics, designer clothes, jewelry, etc. No surprise I still harbor resentment over that!

Point is that once someone has kids there will be issues for the rest of your life. And many times you won't just feel used - you WILL be used. Don't expect any thanks for it either.

Why on earth did you choose this man as a partner if you don't like how he handles his money or his relationship with his daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honest question is “why is this your business?” because it sounds like none of your business tbh.

MYOB.

Come on. You know OP is “the friend.”

[Anonymous]

Anyone who marries a divorced man with a living ex wife and children is crazy.

Investing in children who are not your own is fundamentally at odds with human nature

Kind of wondering what the reaction would be if you reversed the genders here and said “you’d have to be crazy to marry a single mom, it’s fundamentally at odds with human nature”...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anyone who marries a divorced man with a living ex wife and children is crazy.

Investing in children who are not your own is fundamentally at odds with human nature

Kind of wondering what the reaction would be if you reversed the genders here and said “you’d have to be crazy to marry a single mom, it’s fundamentally at odds with human nature”...

Ha! Seriously.

Somehow, it's ok for a man to marry a woman with kids - but when a woman wants to do it it like she's entering the gates of hell. Okay, well, that last bit may be a little bit true, but its not like people who meet and find that they are compatible in all other regards, should just walk away from each other.

I know. My DH has two. I don't expect that he won't spend any money on them - but (given the dynamics of the situation I entered into) I also expected that they would launch and that we would move on from there, building OUR life together. I don't feel used, mostly because I am pretty firm in the boundaries that he and I set together. I am not his kids' mother, nor am I their maid, nor am I their ATM.

While the kids were with us, we kept our finances separate, and shared household expenses. He paid for everything that the kids needed above food and shelter. We agreed on how much he would contribute to college, he communicated that, and the rest was on the kids and their mom.

Now, we are working together to pay off the house we live in, save for another, investing for retirement, and looking at what the next 40-50 years look like for us.

And, before people jump all over him for being a POS dad for moving his life forward, you have no idea of the lengths his ex went to alienate him from his kids. He did his level best to teach them the skills and qualities they would need to survive in this world and will always be there for them, if they want a relationship that isn't transactional.

[Anonymous]

PP here - all of ^that^ to say, I don't expect to be divorced, never entered into it thinking we would get divorced, and never set myself up to feel "used".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anyone who marries a divorced man with a living ex wife and children is crazy.

Investing in children who are not your own is fundamentally at odds with human nature

Kind of wondering what the reaction would be if you reversed the genders here and said “you’d have to be crazy to marry a single mom, it’s fundamentally at odds with human nature”...

Ha! Seriously.

Somehow, it's ok for a man to marry a woman with kids - but when a woman wants to do it it like she's entering the gates of hell. Okay, well, that last bit may be a little bit true, but its not like people who meet and find that they are compatible in all other regards, should just walk away from each other.

I know. My DH has two. I don't expect that he won't spend any money on them - but (given the dynamics of the situation I entered into) I also expected that they would launch and that we would move on from there, building OUR life together. I don't feel used, mostly because I am pretty firm in the boundaries that he and I set together. I am not his kids' mother, nor am I their maid, nor am I their ATM.

While the kids were with us, we kept our finances separate, and shared household expenses. He paid for everything that the kids needed above food and shelter. We agreed on how much he would contribute to college, he communicated that, and the rest was on the kids and their mom.

Now, we are working together to pay off the house we live in, save for another, investing for retirement, and looking at what the next 40-50 years look like for us.

And, before people jump all over him for being a POS dad for moving his life forward, you have no idea of the lengths his ex went to alienate him from his kids. He did his level best to teach them the skills and qualities they would need to survive in this world and will always be there for them, if they want a relationship that isn't transactional.

None of that sounds bad to me. It's completely reasonable to expect children to fully pay for their own expenses after college.