If you were a stepparent who divorced, did you feel used by your spouse and stepkid(s)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So is my friend not supposed to have boundaries? Is she not supposed to protect herself financially? I care about her and her future and if I see she’s a raw deal, I’m going to bring it up. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same!

Have you met this family and seen them treat her poorly?

[Anonymous]

It’s ironic that you are trying to force her to set boundaries. Her relationship, her boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s ironic that you are trying to force her to set boundaries. Her relationship, her boundaries.

I think the OP has a point. If they do divorce, the friend has no recourse or claim to visitation or anything like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s ironic that you are trying to force her to set boundaries. Her relationship, her boundaries.

I think the OP has a point. If they do divorce, the friend has no recourse or claim to visitation or anything like that.

OP thinks her relationship with her friend has no boundaries and therefore she has the right to butt in with unsolicited advice.

[Anonymous]

You can certainly tell your friend your opinion, but after that, she makes (and lives with) her choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s ironic that you are trying to force her to set boundaries. Her relationship, her boundaries.

I think the OP has a point. If they do divorce, the friend has no recourse or claim to visitation or anything like that.

OP thinks her relationship with her friend has no boundaries and therefore she has the right to butt in with unsolicited advice.

They are teens. If the marriage tanks in the next 4 years, they won’t really have bonded anyway. If it tanks 4 years from now, the teens will be legal adults and can visit her whenever they like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honest question as I’m talking a friend out of marrying a dad with two snotty teens. I can only imagine them pushing her financial boundaries and getting her to do the majority of the housework based on what she’s shared with me. It seems one-sided and I don’t see what benefits there are for the stepparent so why bother investing so much beyond a cordial relationship and spending only yourself and your partner?

I am a step-parent, although my situation was different because the kids were younger when I married their father. In some ways that was easier, but in other ways it was not. Being a stepmother requires patience, sacrifice, and selflessness. In truth, I sacrificed a great deal personally for my step-kids in ways that they will never understand. But I didn't do it to get anything in return, so I haven't been "used." I loved them, and as an adult, I did right by them because I loved their father, they are children, and it was the right thing to do. I didn't do it for any "benefits" or recognition, and in truth, I probably never got the recognition I deserve for the sacrifices I made. Even though the kids love me, their mother is still much more important to them, and that's ok. I followed my heart and acted with kindness, so what I got was the ability look at myself in the mirror knowing that I'm a good person who played an important role in their lives.

[Anonymous]

New poster. I think there is some truth to stepfamilies exploiting the labor of stepmothers, both financially and domestically. Who’s the one buying the kids clothes and shoes? A new laptop? College tuition? It’s very difficult to not appear ungenerous if you have the money but aren’t contributing to the stepfamily. But you’re right that stepparent is an afterthought and no one cares about them anymore if divorce occurs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster. I think there is some truth to stepfamilies exploiting the labor of stepmothers, both financially and domestically. Who’s the one buying the kids clothes and shoes? A new laptop? College tuition? It’s very difficult to not appear ungenerous if you have the money but aren’t contributing to the stepfamily. But you’re right that stepparent is an afterthought and no one cares about them anymore if divorce occurs.

Yeah. I think about this a lot because I am dating someone with two teens. They are polite to me but that’s about it, which is fine. But I don’t see us developing a super bonded relationship. Right now I’m living with their dad and he has fifty fifty custody. When they are here, he does pretty much all the household work. They have zero chores. He does all the cooking and cleaning for them, mostly. On the day they leave, I go around and clean the house. If he doesn’t want to make them do chores, fine, but I’m not going to do them for them. Also, I know stepkids are unlikely to care for step parents in their old age. So, I feel like I should prioritize saving money for my retirement over their college educations, even if we were to get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honest question is “why is this your business?” because it sounds like none of your business tbh.

MYOB.

Who in their right mind takes it upon themselves to talk someone out of marrying anyone?

You're completely out of bounds, OP. Bad friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster. I think there is some truth to stepfamilies exploiting the labor of stepmothers, both financially and domestically. Who’s the one buying the kids clothes and shoes? A new laptop? College tuition? It’s very difficult to not appear ungenerous if you have the money but aren’t contributing to the stepfamily. But you’re right that stepparent is an afterthought and no one cares about them anymore if divorce occurs.

It should never be the step-parent paying for any of this stuff. The step-parent should contribute to mortgage, food, and utilities but not pay any kid-specific expenses.

[Anonymous]

No I didn’t feel used, maybe because my SD only spent summers with us.
However now we are divorced, I am happy to hang out with her and let her see her half brother if she likes, but nothing more.

[Anonymous]

When you marry someone, their kids come with the deal.

Only a creep would choose the new wife over his children.

It is not about getting enough out of it, it is about merging families. That is what marriage m eans.

If you don't want that, keep dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you marry someone, their kids come with the deal.

Only a creep would choose the new wife over his children.

It is not about getting enough out of it, it is about merging families. That is what marriage m eans.

If you don't want that, keep dating.

You neglected the fact that stepparents have no leverage when divorce occurs or that stepchildren don’t take care of them in their old age.

[Anonymous]

I have seen this happen and it is a no win situation.
As an ex-step parent who was married through the child-support years, I would advise her to RUN.