If you were a stepparent who divorced, did you feel used by your spouse and stepkid(s)?

[Anonymous]

Honest question as I’m talking a friend out of marrying a dad with two snotty teens. I can only imagine them pushing her financial boundaries and getting her to do the majority of the housework based on what she’s shared with me. It seems one-sided and I don’t see what benefits there are for the stepparent so why bother investing so much beyond a cordial relationship and spending only yourself and your partner?

[Anonymous]

ETA: spending only on yourself and partner

[Anonymous]

She should definitely not get married. No marriage can survive with that kind of bean counting and emotional and psychological barriers up. What's the point? You sound emotionally stunted, OP. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Honest question is “why is this your business?” because it sounds like none of your business tbh.

MYOB.

[Anonymous]

My mother felt used by my step-father and his kids for a variety of reasons. That said, I'm not sure its your position to talk your friend out of marrying someone. Besides, it has more to do with her prospective DH and whether he'll tolerate letting his kids treat her that way or expects your friend to deal with it on her own.

[Anonymous]

I don't feel used at all but my husband was/is used by his ex and kids. I got a great husband out of the deal.

[Anonymous]

OP here. So is my friend not supposed to have boundaries? Is she not supposed to protect herself financially? I care about her and her future and if I see she’s a raw deal, I’m going to bring it up. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same!

[Anonymous]

*getting a raw deal

[Anonymous]

In my experience, bean counting is a common term used to malign stepparents who just want to be financially fair. I think you’re a good friend OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm a step parent. Cleaning and "pushing financial boundaries" are the least of our issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So is my friend not supposed to have boundaries? Is she not supposed to protect herself financially? I care about her and her future and if I see she’s a raw deal, I’m going to bring it up. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same!

It’s her business, not yours.

MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So is my friend not supposed to have boundaries? Is she not supposed to protect herself financially? I care about her and her future and if I see she’s a raw deal, I’m going to bring it up. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same!

The thing is, from your vantage point, you are likely to only see the negatives, and not any of the positives. Unless there's clear abuse or some egregious financial shenanigans. it's highly likely best for you to stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anyone who marries a divorced man with a living ex wife and children is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So is my friend not supposed to have boundaries? Is she not supposed to protect herself financially? I care about her and her future and if I see she’s a raw deal, I’m going to bring it up. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same!

The thing is, from your vantage point, you are likely to only see the negatives, and not any of the positives. Unless there's clear abuse or some egregious financial shenanigans. it's highly likely best for you to stay out of it.

How do you think abuse starts? A lot of it begins with eroding someone’s boundaries and manipulation. I am not a stepparent but was a stepchild. My mom remarried and she embarrassed me by making demands on her new husband to pay for my college, books etc. She has borderline personality disorder and a very warped view of relationships. To me, I’m not this man’s responsibility and so, why should he pay for me? No surprise he divorced her and I insisted on paying my own way. I think it’s good to have clear boundaries in place when it comes to blended families so no one gets taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

My DH raised his stepson after the divorce. The child was 1 when they met and not quite 5 when they divorced. And his mom cheated so DH had a good excuse to walk away. Instead he was a very engaged father socially and financially. He even paid for SS’s college. It is easy to forget that they are not biologically related. SS has no relationship with his biodad who was a prick as well as a deadbeat apparently.