DH claims memory problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ADHD. Classic symptom.

Yep this is me. Plus in those instances he probably just doesn’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hate all the excuses for him. No matter what the issue why can’t he just write things down ? He’s grown and if he takes bible from the bathroom HE should put them back.

Bulbs

Oh! I saw the post and thought "Wha....?"

But I'm a forgetter. I had a bulb go out in the bathroom. Forgot about it for a few days, forgot to buy bulbs for a couple of store trips, finally remembered, went to put the old bulb in the box for recycling bulbs which turned out to be a box of new bulbs I already had that I had forgotten I had, which was IN the bathroom.

Although with LED they last so long I don't even think about buying/replacing bulbs so no wonder I didn't know I had a supply.

[Anonymous]

^^ I also routinely forget what I went upstairs for, or to the basement, or to the next room, unless I am already holding the reason why I did. I go to one grocery store where you have the option of them putting it all into tubs and then into your car at a pickup point. Twice I left the store, got in the car, drove home, and didn't understand why I didn't have groceries, so I don't use the pickup any more. If I'm holding the cart I know what I am supposed to do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Replace the bulbs yourself this ain't 1950

But he took out the bulbs. He also had his disposable contact cases scattered everywhere. It's basic respect and a sign of adulthood to clean up your own messes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Genuinely asking because this is a common problem and fight in our household and I never thought about ADHD (he does not have any kind of diagnosis):

My husband (like OP's) does not forget these things at work - I can confidently say this because if he did he'd be fired. So should I read the rest of these posts to mean he has a working system or high emotional charge for work-related things?

Should I not find it tremendously frustrating that he does not choose to create a similar system at home?

PP with a ADHD husband here. My husband functions at work, because he has to, otherwise he would lose his job - but he works long hours to accomplish what others could do in a day. For other's their partners may function great at work because it is interesting and keeps their attention. It's about attention, if they find the activity engaging and interesting, it shifts to the top of their mind. If it's boring and mundane, it sinks to the bottom. Unfortunately, most of "life" is boring and mundane chores that have to get done, but aren't interesting. This is why a lot of partners can hold jobs, and hobbies, but seem to forget things like changing the lightbulb.

At home ... unfortunately i am there to pick up the slack. This is how it's very common to slide into a "over performing - under performing" dynamic (or parent - child dynamic) in a marriage with a partner with ADHD. He knows that I am there, and that i will do it, so it isn't as pressing for him, and it isn't interesting so he keep seeking "interesting" activities to do before the "boring" activity.

I am working on boundaries. Knowing my limitations. Not being a martyr and "taking it all on" because it has to get done, but lowering my bar so that I don't burn out. Asking directly what i need from him, but have no expectations on when or how it gets done. Focusing on all the ways he does help and contribute to our family. And most importantly, having an open line of communication with my hudband when his symptoms start flaring up, on how we can work on them together (what methods work for helping him remember what he needs to get done). A lot of this is helping him re-prioritize what needs to be done first, not what he wants to do first.

As a DW with ADHD-I, I can tell you from my perspective why I can function at work and not at home.

1) Prior to my current career, I wasn't functioning very well at work. I was working twice a many hours to do half as much work. But I've found a job that works for me and doesn't have a ton of stuff I struggle with (like paperwork). I still have to do minimal paperwork like send out my invoices, but the motivation is that I don't get paid. But even then I can go too long not doing them.

2) Often, I spend so much energy keeping it together and staying on top of things at work, I've got nothing left for home. Imagine that work is like a 5k. You and I both do the 5k, but I do it carrying 50lbs of weight, through water with boots on. It looks like we went the same distance, but it was much harder for me. So when I get home, I have nothing left.

3) Work is often more clear cut and there are goals. Home is just a never ending series of things that often don't have a goal. Executive function is often an issue with ADHD. So figuring out where to start or what the steps are is hard. I know it seems silly, but there are so many steps for something as simple as changing a light bulb. And that's even if you can remember to do it.

4) I agree with PP that you need to educate yourself on ADHD. I'm not doing this to be spiteful or passive aggressive or disrespectful. And if I could do things that would make DH's life easier, I would. But this is the brain I have. And apparently I bring enough to the relationship that it's worth it for DH to keep me around.

[Anonymous]

And also watch these...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OM0Xv0eVGtY&t=11s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo08uS904Rg&t=13s

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I really appreciate all the responses and so much of it rings true. I have brought up ADHD to my DH in the past as he has difficulty finishing tasks around the house. This has been especially apparent when tools are involved as many have been misplaced, parts to things he’s taken apart get misplaced, etc as he just moves on to the next thing without fully cleaning his space. I brought it up again last night, and he got really angry and said it’s much more likely he has early dementia. I pointed out the things in the thread that he does - hello person leaving a suitcase and stepping over it for weeks! I pointed out that I do block stairs with things I have asked him to carry up or down. It’s like he doesn’t see them. He then blamed me for the unfinished tasks as I am always asking him to do things so he’s just moving on to the next thing so never finishes the first (this is, btw, not accurate). We have 3 kids that I do all the things for all day long without asking anything of him. I cook meals, I clean, I manage doctor & therapist appointments for all 5 of us (no small task as we have a son with a brain malformation). I might ask him to do one big task around the house once a month, and one small task (like the trash or carry vacuum cleaner/laundry/suitcase) once a week.
It’s difficult to not feel resentful if I just do the things myself, but I do try not to ask him unless I really need his help. His bathroom trash I am not picking up off the floor. And the lightbulbs... I am only 4’8” and there isn’t anything upstairs I could stand on to reach the light fixtures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Genuinely asking because this is a common problem and fight in our household and I never thought about ADHD (he does not have any kind of diagnosis):

My husband (like OP's) does not forget these things at work - I can confidently say this because if he did he'd be fired. So should I read the rest of these posts to mean he has a working system or high emotional charge for work-related things?

Should I not find it tremendously frustrating that he does not choose to create a similar system at home?

PP with a ADHD husband here. My husband functions at work, because he has to, otherwise he would lose his job - but he works long hours to accomplish what others could do in a day. For other's their partners may function great at work because it is interesting and keeps their attention. It's about attention, if they find the activity engaging and interesting, it shifts to the top of their mind. If it's boring and mundane, it sinks to the bottom. Unfortunately, most of "life" is boring and mundane chores that have to get done, but aren't interesting. This is why a lot of partners can hold jobs, and hobbies, but seem to forget things like changing the lightbulb.

At home ... unfortunately i am there to pick up the slack. This is how it's very common to slide into a "over performing - under performing" dynamic (or parent - child dynamic) in a marriage with a partner with ADHD. He knows that I am there, and that i will do it, so it isn't as pressing for him, and it isn't interesting so he keep seeking "interesting" activities to do before the "boring" activity.

I am working on boundaries. Knowing my limitations. Not being a martyr and "taking it all on" because it has to get done, but lowering my bar so that I don't burn out. Asking directly what i need from him, but have no expectations on when or how it gets done. Focusing on all the ways he does help and contribute to our family. And most importantly, having an open line of communication with my hudband when his symptoms start flaring up, on how we can work on them together (what methods work for helping him remember what he needs to get done). A lot of this is helping him re-prioritize what needs to be done first, not what he wants to do first.

As a DW with ADHD-I, I can tell you from my perspective why I can function at work and not at home.

1) Prior to my current career, I wasn't functioning very well at work. I was working twice a many hours to do half as much work. But I've found a job that works for me and doesn't have a ton of stuff I struggle with (like paperwork). I still have to do minimal paperwork like send out my invoices, but the motivation is that I don't get paid. But even then I can go too long not doing them.

2) Often, I spend so much energy keeping it together and staying on top of things at work, I've got nothing left for home. Imagine that work is like a 5k. You and I both do the 5k, but I do it carrying 50lbs of weight, through water with boots on. It looks like we went the same distance, but it was much harder for me. So when I get home, I have nothing left.

3) Work is often more clear cut and there are goals. Home is just a never ending series of things that often don't have a goal. Executive function is often an issue with ADHD. So figuring out where to start or what the steps are is hard. I know it seems silly, but there are so many steps for something as simple as changing a light bulb. And that's even if you can remember to do it.

4) I agree with PP that you need to educate yourself on ADHD. I'm not doing this to be spiteful or passive aggressive or disrespectful. And if I could do things that would make DH's life easier, I would. But this is the brain I have. And apparently I bring enough to the relationship that it's worth it for DH to keep me around.

I am the PP, thank you for this insight!

I recognized that his symptoms were starting to cause a build up of resentment in me, and that isn't good for our marriage. It took me a while to understand that my reactions and my coping were not helping, so I learning how to change my tactics! I am working on understanding the ADHD brain, and growing more empathy for his struggles - like your point (2) above - i don't see all the extra burden he carries because his brain works differently than mine, i would just see that he was yet again late or left me feeling disappointed and unsupported by not completing something he told me he would. My nagging and highlighting my disappointment didn't help, it made things worse. Your third point was also illuminating to the struggles of clearly defined work, versus the endless monotony of life with a young child. I hadn't thought about it from that perspective, thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are in our 30s, and DH’s excuse for many things is that he forgot. It can literally be 5 minutes after I ask him to do something (hey can you take xyz upstairs/downstairs and he will walk right past it). It feels somehow really disrespectful - like he can remember to do things if they’re important to him. I can’t imagine how he’s holding down his job if he is this forgetful when coworkers ask him to do things. Example: yesterday, I asked him to empty our bathroom trashcan since his disposable contact things were littering the floor around the can and I don’t have easy access during the day as he works out of our room. He said he would. Not only did he forget, but he took 2 out of 4 lightbulbs out of the bathroom lights to use in a lamp for a work zoom and still hasn’t replaced them, through I asked last night and again this morning. I reminded him about the trash & lightbulbs right before he showered, yet neither were taken care of when I went in to shower (resulting in me feeling like I was in a cave). Is there a secret to not getting frustrated about this?

The secret is to take out the trash and change the lightbulbs youself because you want it done. If you care more about getting your spouse to do something than you care about the task itself, you are doomed to a life of anger and resentment. Your spouse, however, will probably not notice.

PP, I totally agree. In my house, we never fight about this sort of thing because whoever wants it done just does it. It's surprising how peaceful and conflict free a home can be when you just take care of things instead of expecting someone else to do it.

And OP, if you can't change the light bulbs, just bring the light bulbs to him when he's not otherwise busy and ask him to put them in. Hard to imagine anyone refusing if you ask when they are not busy and it's a task that you really can't do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I really appreciate all the responses and so much of it rings true. I have brought up ADHD to my DH in the past as he has difficulty finishing tasks around the house. This has been especially apparent when tools are involved as many have been misplaced, parts to things he’s taken apart get misplaced, etc as he just moves on to the next thing without fully cleaning his space. I brought it up again last night, and he got really angry and said it’s much more likely he has early dementia. I pointed out the things in the thread that he does - hello person leaving a suitcase and stepping over it for weeks! I pointed out that I do block stairs with things I have asked him to carry up or down. It’s like he doesn’t see them. He then blamed me for the unfinished tasks as I am always asking him to do things so he’s just moving on to the next thing so never finishes the first (this is, btw, not accurate). We have 3 kids that I do all the things for all day long without asking anything of him. I cook meals, I clean, I manage doctor & therapist appointments for all 5 of us (no small task as we have a son with a brain malformation). I might ask him to do one big task around the house once a month, and one small task (like the trash or carry vacuum cleaner/laundry/suitcase) once a week.
It’s difficult to not feel resentful if I just do the things myself, but I do try not to ask him unless I really need his help. His bathroom trash I am not picking up off the floor. And the lightbulbs... I am only 4’8” and there isn’t anything upstairs I could stand on to reach the light fixtures.

my two cents: it's common for a diagnosis of ADHD to be initially met with defensiveness and denial. The ADHD partner most likely holds a lot of shame around these symptoms that they have dealt with their whole life (why is it always harder for me? why can't i just remember? etc). They feel like admitting they have ADHD is admitting a defect, they are broken, they are the problem. If you do think this is what he has, remember to approach from a place of empathy, that working on his symptoms together (and it's his symptoms that are the problem, not him) is something beneficial for the marriage. ADHD can bring beautiful things into your life, so long as any negative impacts from the symptoms are managed properly.

There is a feedback loop too, his negative symptoms, your reactions to those symptoms, his response to your reactions. While you can't change him, you can change how you react to him. I would recommend spending some time reflecting on yourself, how you ask for things or respond when he forgets, and your own happiness and what you need. You can't change who he is, you can do these actions (like taking care of the children) because you love your children and want to provide for them, but you can't do these actions because you want HIM to do them and he isn't. That will just lead to resentment and unhappiness.

I really recommend looking into Melissa Orlov's books/website they have been incredibly helpful to me in growing empathy toward my husband and his struggles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Classic, classic ADHD- inattentive symptoms. I'm a DW with this and I do the same exact thing. If DH got mad every time I forgot something, we'd be divorced. He realizes that it's not me being willful or spiteful or disrespectful, it's literally the way my brain is wired.

He's just learned how to work with my brain instead of against it.

So how does he “work with your brain” so you contribute positively to things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's a classic "absent minded professor" I am married to one as well.

You just have to go with it as much as possible.

And I strongly suggest that if you want the lightbulbs replaced, you do it yourself.

Yeah! Raise the kids, maintain the house and yard, and plan out everything too, yourself. he sure won’t and can’t. Enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD. Classic symptom.

Yep this is me. Plus in those instances he probably just doesn’t care.

What does he actually care about? Anything or just himself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I really appreciate all the responses and so much of it rings true. I have brought up ADHD to my DH in the past as he has difficulty finishing tasks around the house. This has been especially apparent when tools are involved as many have been misplaced, parts to things he’s taken apart get misplaced, etc as he just moves on to the next thing without fully cleaning his space. I brought it up again last night, and he got really angry and said it’s much more likely he has early dementia. I pointed out the things in the thread that he does - hello person leaving a suitcase and stepping over it for weeks! I pointed out that I do block stairs with things I have asked him to carry up or down. It’s like he doesn’t see them. He then blamed me for the unfinished tasks as I am always asking him to do things so he’s just moving on to the next thing so never finishes the first (this is, btw, not accurate). We have 3 kids that I do all the things for all day long without asking anything of him. I cook meals, I clean, I manage doctor & therapist appointments for all 5 of us (no small task as we have a son with a brain malformation). I might ask him to do one big task around the house once a month, and one small task (like the trash or carry vacuum cleaner/laundry/suitcase) once a week.
It’s difficult to not feel resentful if I just do the things myself, but I do try not to ask him unless I really need his help. His bathroom trash I am not picking up off the floor. And the lightbulbs... I am only 4’8” and there isn’t anything upstairs I could stand on to reach the light fixtures.

He might have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. Very common sense in people with ADHD.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-adhd-symptom-test/amp/

[Anonymous]

Don’t forget, if he has all the ADHD inattentive symptoms PLUS is a poor verbal communicator, can’t connect with people or his kids, and lacks empathy, it may be aspergers. Can present the same, a skilled neuropsych can rule one of those in or out.