DH claims memory problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These are the kind of things I would forget, and it’s totally not on purpose. I can pour out boiling water for a cup of tea and forget I need to take the tea bag out two minutes later. Unless I go immediately from being told to do something to doing it, you’ve got a 50/50 shot at best. Lots of family members with ADD so I’ve often wondered if I, as a female, fell through the cracks on that count.

This me as well. My immediate family just rolls with it, thank goodness. Nearly always I will remember what I was asked, just not in a timely fashion. I was supposed to feed my son’s fish in the morning while he was gone. I did not but woke up at 1:30 am that night and completed the task.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD. Classic symptom.

Classic guy excuse.

PP you replied to. I'm a woman, and a research scientist who works on ADHD.

Very sexist, aren't you?

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the many women with ADHD on this thread. I'm bothered by the subject, "DH claims memory problems".

OP, does "claims" mean... you don't believe him? You think he's deliberately ignoring you, or just doesn't care about what you want?

Please consider the alternative hypothesis presented here by many ADHD sufferers.

If you can't give him enough credit to trust that he would not deliberately ignore you, then your marriage may have other issues.

[Anonymous]

Replace the bulbs yourself this ain't 1950

[Anonymous]

Is there a secret to not getting frustrated about this

Yes, it’s called forget to be interested in sex until he empties the trash and changes the light bulbs.

[Anonymous]

posted notes. all over. never repeat yourself again. unless it concerns you, let it go.

Men are wired different from women. When you realize this you will handle situations in a way as to not cause fighting.

[Anonymous]

He's a classic "absent minded professor" I am married to one as well.

You just have to go with it as much as possible.

And I strongly suggest that if you want the lightbulbs replaced, you do it yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: posted notes. all over. never repeat yourself again. unless it concerns you, let it go.

Men are wired different from women. When you realize this you will handle situations in a way as to not cause fighting.

Postit notes all over...that's cute...too bad with ADHD you can completely not see the notes. I stepped over a packed bag from a business trip for over 2 months. Postit notes mean nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: posted notes. all over. never repeat yourself again. unless it concerns you, let it go.

Men are wired different from women. When you realize this you will handle situations in a way as to not cause fighting.

Postit notes all over...that's cute...too bad with ADHD you can completely not see the notes. I stepped over a packed bag from a business trip for over 2 months. Postit notes mean nothing.

It’s worth a try! I’ve got ADHD and notes really help me. It’s all about finding what works for the particular person.

[Anonymous]

Hate all the excuses for him. No matter what the issue why can’t he just write things down ? He’s grown and if he takes bible from the bathroom HE should put them back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hate all the excuses for him. No matter what the issue why can’t he just write things down ? He’s grown and if he takes bible from the bathroom HE should put them back.

Bulbs

[Anonymous]

Is he having sleep problems? If he truly thinks he is having memory/cognition problems to the point where he is having problems performing tasks, a Sleep Study may be a good idea. He could have developed issues that he did not have when he was younger.

[Anonymous]

another poster chiming in to say, sounds like classic inattentive ADHD to me!

i am a DW with a DH with it, and it has caused lots of strife in our marriage. It's hard not to take it personal, how is what I am asking for not important to you? but i have spent the better part of a year learning about how his mind works (it's very different than how mine works! and that's ok! it brings lots of positive things into our life, with some annoying negative symptoms as well). I encourage you to learn more about ADHD, talk with your husband, and find ways to help manage his symptoms TOGETHER.

I found Melissa Orlov, her books, and website blogs & forums really helpful!

Also, using the word "claims" in your heading is a loaded word, you are insinuating that he is lying about forgetting, and that signals a lack of trust that you have in him.

[Anonymous]

Genuinely asking because this is a common problem and fight in our household and I never thought about ADHD (he does not have any kind of diagnosis):

My husband (like OP's) does not forget these things at work - I can confidently say this because if he did he'd be fired. So should I read the rest of these posts to mean he has a working system or high emotional charge for work-related things?

Should I not find it tremendously frustrating that he does not choose to create a similar system at home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Genuinely asking because this is a common problem and fight in our household and I never thought about ADHD (he does not have any kind of diagnosis):

My husband (like OP's) does not forget these things at work - I can confidently say this because if he did he'd be fired. So should I read the rest of these posts to mean he has a working system or high emotional charge for work-related things?

Should I not find it tremendously frustrating that he does not choose to create a similar system at home?

PP with a ADHD husband here. My husband functions at work, because he has to, otherwise he would lose his job - but he works long hours to accomplish what others could do in a day. For other's their partners may function great at work because it is interesting and keeps their attention. It's about attention, if they find the activity engaging and interesting, it shifts to the top of their mind. If it's boring and mundane, it sinks to the bottom. Unfortunately, most of "life" is boring and mundane chores that have to get done, but aren't interesting. This is why a lot of partners can hold jobs, and hobbies, but seem to forget things like changing the lightbulb.

At home ... unfortunately i am there to pick up the slack. This is how it's very common to slide into a "over performing - under performing" dynamic (or parent - child dynamic) in a marriage with a partner with ADHD. He knows that I am there, and that i will do it, so it isn't as pressing for him, and it isn't interesting so he keep seeking "interesting" activities to do before the "boring" activity.

I am working on boundaries. Knowing my limitations. Not being a martyr and "taking it all on" because it has to get done, but lowering my bar so that I don't burn out. Asking directly what i need from him, but have no expectations on when or how it gets done. Focusing on all the ways he does help and contribute to our family. And most importantly, having an open line of communication with my hudband when his symptoms start flaring up, on how we can work on them together (what methods work for helping him remember what he needs to get done). A lot of this is helping him re-prioritize what needs to be done first, not what he wants to do first.