Reply to DH claims memory problems

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is OP. I really appreciate all the responses and so much of it rings true. I have brought up ADHD to my DH in the past as he has difficulty finishing tasks around the house. This has been especially apparent when tools are involved as many have been misplaced, parts to things he’s taken apart get misplaced, etc as he just moves on to the next thing without fully cleaning his space. I brought it up again last night, and he got really angry and said it’s much more likely he has early dementia. I pointed out the things in the thread that he does - hello person leaving a suitcase and stepping over it for weeks! I pointed out that I do block stairs with things I have asked him to carry up or down. It’s like he doesn’t see them. He then blamed me for the unfinished tasks as I am always asking him to do things so he’s just moving on to the next thing so never finishes the first (this is, btw, not accurate). We have 3 kids that I do all the things for all day long without asking anything of him. I cook meals, I clean, I manage doctor & therapist appointments for all 5 of us (no small task as we have a son with a brain malformation). I might ask him to do one big task around the house once a month, and one small task (like the trash or carry vacuum cleaner/laundry/suitcase) once a week.
It’s difficult to not feel resentful if I just do the things myself, but I do try not to ask him unless I really need his help. His bathroom trash I am not picking up off the floor. And the lightbulbs... I am only 4’8” and there isn’t anything upstairs I could stand on to reach the light fixtures.[/quote]

my two cents: it's common for a diagnosis of ADHD to be initially met with defensiveness and denial.  The ADHD partner most likely holds a lot of shame around these symptoms that they have dealt with their whole life (why is it always harder for me? why can't i just remember? etc).  They feel like admitting they have ADHD is admitting a defect, they are broken, they are the problem. If you do think this is what he has, remember to approach from a place of empathy, that working on his symptoms together (and it's his symptoms that are the problem, not him) is something beneficial for the marriage.  ADHD can bring beautiful things into your life, so long as any negative impacts from the symptoms are managed properly.

There is a feedback loop too, his negative symptoms, your reactions to those symptoms, his response to your reactions.  While you can't change him, you can change how you react to him.  I would recommend spending some time reflecting on yourself, how you ask for things or respond when he forgets, and your own happiness and what you need.  You can't change who he is, you can do these actions (like taking care of the children) because you love your children and want to provide for them, but you can't do these actions because you want HIM to do them and he isn't.  That will just lead to resentment and unhappiness.

I really recommend looking into Melissa Orlov's books/website :) they have been incredibly helpful to me in growing empathy toward my husband and his struggles.[/quote]

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