if you really love kids, how does it feel when they're adults but you don't have grandchildren?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had the opportunity to decide whether you wanted to parent. That comes once, if you are lucky.

You don't get two opportunities to make that call (once for you and once for them). Accept that that time in your life has passed.

Do volunteer work with children. There are many in need of love and responsible role models.

This. There are lots of ways to scratch that itch.

NP It really doesn't change the paradigm...the family just stops. No family gatherings, vacations at the beach. Never though this would be it.

Why can't you vacation and gather with your children. ..

That's what I don't understand, don't you have adult children and other family to vacation with, gather with. If you aren't doing those things now that probably won't change once grand kids come along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP is the same person who started the "I'm upset that my kids aren't interested in getting married or having children" thread.

Nope. I’m the OP of that thread, and I didn’t start this one.

[Anonymous]

I’m 57. I have daughters in their 20s. I find this mindset bizarre. If they eventually partner and have kids, great! If they don’t, that’s great too, it’s their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 57. I have daughters in their 20s. I find this mindset bizarre. If they eventually partner and have kids, great! If they don’t, that’s great too, it’s their life.

Really? It sounds like OP probably also has similar feelings and understanding that it’s her kids lives and it might not be for them. That’s fine and of course. It doesn’t mean op can’t think that she can’t feel disappointment. She, like her children, has her own preferences and interests and happens to love kids and enjoyed the thought of being in a grandmother role. There is nothing wrong with feeling those feelings as long as she’s not putting it on her kids which she hasn’t indicated she had. If it’s something she really looked forward to (you may not, but again op is her own person and she DID) it’s ok to have some loss around that.

FWIW I’m early 30s, I just think people are so hard on parents of adults on this board. It’s as if when your kids become adults you’re not allowed to even have feelings anymore.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t it make people sad to see their families...die out? That’s sort of what it is. I know it can’t always be avoided but it does give me sort of existential dread....

[Anonymous]

Please don’t pressure your adult children about grandchildren. My truly wonderful mother, in every other way, destroyed her relationship with my SIL on this point despite knowing that they were struggling with infertility. Then, when I was grieving the sudden death of my fiancé, both parents actually said to me how sad they were because it was there only chance to have a grandchild. That I might go on to find another person, but that they might not live to see that or I would be too old to have a child by then. It was breathtakingly hurtful then and 30 years later remains so. My mother did die before I adopted a child, but my father lived until she was almost 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn’t it make people sad to see their families...die out? That’s sort of what it is. I know it can’t always be avoided but it does give me sort of existential dread....

Then you should have had more kids.

[Anonymous]

Lamenting about not having grandchildren is a valid thing. It's actually a tremendous loss. People will say a lot of dumb things like:
1. Volunteer with kids
2. Find children in your neighborhood
3. Get a hobby
4. Get a life
5. Don't give up, they might have them. ( They aren't. )
Yeah, none of these things, which everyone can do with or without grandchildren, replace the loss of what was to be the continuation of family. The loss of the next generation, the joy of watching one's kids raise kids, to be in their lives, to be grandparents. So, just stop.

And, yes, no parent should pressure or expect their kids to provide it...that makes no sense regardless. That doesn't mean there isn't a real and present palpable loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn’t it make people sad to see their families...die out? That’s sort of what it is. I know it can’t always be avoided but it does give me sort of existential dread....

Then you should have had more kids.

Oh, sure, let me visit my 28 year old self and remedy that now that I'm wiser and realize what would happen later if NONE of my 2 kids were having kids. I should have been Mrs. Duggar, right? What's the right amount of kids to have? 3? 4? 7? What would ensure delivery later? Becsuse, THAT was on my mind then.This was one of the dumbest responses yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t pressure your adult children about grandchildren. My truly wonderful mother, in every other way, destroyed her relationship with my SIL on this point despite knowing that they were struggling with infertility. Then, when I was grieving the sudden death of my fiancé, both parents actually said to me how sad they were because it was there only chance to have a grandchild. That I might go on to find another person, but that they might not live to see that or I would be too old to have a child by then. It was breathtakingly hurtful then and 30 years later remains so. My mother did die before I adopted a child, but my father lived until she was almost 2.

No one is pressuring kids to have kids here. This is not what the post is about. Your parent's unfortunate comments are not what is being discussed here. Who pressures offspring who is dealing with infertility? Who decides that their lack of a grandchild takes precedence over a death? Who does that? Your issue is a different issue...would you not agree? I'm sorry for all your loses, but particularly your parent's issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 57. I have daughters in their 20s. I find this mindset bizarre. If they eventually partner and have kids, great! If they don’t, that’s great too, it’s their life.

Really? It sounds like OP probably also has similar feelings and understanding that it’s her kids lives and it might not be for them. That’s fine and of course. It doesn’t mean op can’t think that she can’t feel disappointment. She, like her children, has her own preferences and interests and happens to love kids and enjoyed the thought of being in a grandmother role. There is nothing wrong with feeling those feelings as long as she’s not putting it on her kids which she hasn’t indicated she had. If it’s something she really looked forward to (you may not, but again op is her own person and she DID) it’s ok to have some loss around that.

FWIW I’m early 30s, I just think people are so hard on parents of adults on this board. It’s as if when your kids become adults you’re not allowed to even have feelings anymore.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had the opportunity to decide whether you wanted to parent. That comes once, if you are lucky.

You don't get two opportunities to make that call (once for you and once for them). Accept that that time in your life has passed.

Do volunteer work with children. There are many in need of love and responsible role models.

This. There are lots of ways to scratch that itch.

NP It really doesn't change the paradigm...the family just stops. No family gatherings, vacations at the beach. Never though this would be it.

Why can't you vacation and gather with your children. ..

That's what I don't understand, don't you have adult children and other family to vacation with, gather with. If you aren't doing those things now that probably won't change once grand kids come along.

You really do not get it. Yes, we can go to the beach with our kids. This has NOTHING to do with having grandchildren. Your world view is amazingly limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. If I read one more comment about volunteering (we are) or seeing other people's kids, I'll scream. This alone explains what this generation just does not understand.

Did you have children to satisfy your parents and give them grandchildren? Or did you have children because you were ready to start a family with your partner?

The latter. And it's the same now. It's about family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn’t it make people sad to see their families...die out? That’s sort of what it is. I know it can’t always be avoided but it does give me sort of existential dread....

Then you should have had more kids.

Oh, sure, let me visit my 28 year old self and remedy that now that I'm wiser and realize what would happen later if NONE of my 2 kids were having kids. I should have been Mrs. Duggar, right? What's the right amount of kids to have? 3? 4? 7? What would ensure delivery later? Becsuse, THAT was on my mind then.This was one of the dumbest responses yet.

We have six grown children and two grandchildren; we certainly talked about a rosy future with lots of (easier than our own) grandchildren as we were in the trenches of raising our own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn’t it make people sad to see their families...die out? That’s sort of what it is. I know it can’t always be avoided but it does give me sort of existential dread....

Then you should have had more kids.

Oh, sure, let me visit my 28 year old self and remedy that now that I'm wiser and realize what would happen later if NONE of my 2 kids were having kids. I should have been Mrs. Duggar, right? What's the right amount of kids to have? 3? 4? 7? What would ensure delivery later? Becsuse, THAT was on my mind then.This was one of the dumbest responses yet.

You didn't realized you wanted grandkids until you were older? For something that causes you dread it's a recent desire?