Introverts married to extroverts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Carrying entire days, conversations, ideas, actions, decisions for introverts is indeed exhausting. Most people give up and become mute themselves if forced to be with introverts. Which is fascinatingly awkward for most neurotypicals to be completely silent through most meals and encounters with family members. The kids were about 9 yo when they realized one of their parents never talked much, about anything.

This is interesting to me. I am an introvert DW married to extrovert DH. I do not feel that my husband has ever had to carry entire days, ideas, actions or decisions for me. Conversations, yes. My husband can talk about anything to anyone. I am more comfortable with silence or deeper conversations, small talk has never been my thing. I do not believe most introverts are like you described above, i.e. expecting others to make decisions, perform actions or make decisions for them. I think that I am actually far more focused and goal oriented that my husband who is extremely social. It is just a difference that he gets his energy from interacting with others and I get my energy from taking time to myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Carrying entire days, conversations, ideas, actions, decisions for introverts is indeed exhausting. Most people give up and become mute themselves if forced to be with introverts. Which is fascinatingly awkward for most neurotypicals to be completely silent through most meals and encounters with family members. The kids were about 9 yo when they realized one of their parents never talked much, about anything.

There’s a famous quote: “If there’s one autistic family member in the house, the whole family has autism.”

Right, bc there’s no one to talk to or with! Or they get aggravated just being asked something!

So true. I had to find most of my Adult social needs outside of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Carrying entire days, conversations, ideas, actions, decisions for introverts is indeed exhausting. Most people give up and become mute themselves if forced to be with introverts. Which is fascinatingly awkward for most neurotypicals to be completely silent through most meals and encounters with family members. The kids were about 9 yo when they realized one of their parents never talked much, about anything.

This is interesting to me. I am an introvert DW married to extrovert DH. I do not feel that my husband has ever had to carry entire days, ideas, actions or decisions for me. Conversations, yes. My husband can talk about anything to anyone. I am more comfortable with silence or deeper conversations, small talk has never been my thing. I do not believe most introverts are like you described above, i.e. expecting others to make decisions, perform actions or make decisions for them. I think that I am actually far more focused and goal oriented that my husband who is extremely social. It is just a difference that he gets his energy from interacting with others and I get my energy from taking time to myself.

Sure, my extrovert DW carries all the conversations, but is too busy happily gabbling to handle the ideas, actions, and decisions. Paying attention to all non-social-butterfly matters is my job.

[Anonymous]

To the extroverts feeling miserable during this 2-3 month interlude: Ask yourself is this is how miserable your introvert spouse felt during the entirety of your pre-pandemic social life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the extroverts feeling miserable during this 2-3 month interlude: Ask yourself is this is how miserable your introvert spouse felt during the entirety of your pre-pandemic social life.

Personally, I felt a lot better that more than 100,000 people had not died or that when you socialized there wasn’t a risk of catching a virus that is potentially deadly or permanently harmful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Carrying entire days, conversations, ideas, actions, decisions for introverts is indeed exhausting. Most people give up and become mute themselves if forced to be with introverts. Which is fascinatingly awkward for most neurotypicals to be completely silent through most meals and encounters with family members. The kids were about 9 yo when they realized one of their parents never talked much, about anything.

This is interesting to me. I am an introvert DW married to extrovert DH. I do not feel that my husband has ever had to carry entire days, ideas, actions or decisions for me. Conversations, yes. My husband can talk about anything to anyone. I am more comfortable with silence or deeper conversations, small talk has never been my thing. I do not believe most introverts are like you described above, i.e. expecting others to make decisions, perform actions or make decisions for them. I think that I am actually far more focused and goal oriented that my husband who is extremely social. It is just a difference that he gets his energy from interacting with others and I get my energy from taking time to myself.

Same here. But I would say that my husband doesn't even have to carry conversations -- I'm perfectly capable of having conversations with other. It's really about what energizes and drains each of us.

I would say this: I do need more down time than he does. But it has to be real down time. If I'm reading a book and the kids keep running in to ask me stuff they could have asked him, or he keeps interrupting, it's not really restorative. But I suck it up sometimes, too. I'm more likely to participate in some event if it's really important to him, etc., so he'll tell me if it's a big deal or not.

"Introvert" doesn't mean antisocial or selfish or rude. It means that people are drained by social activities with big groups, and recharged with time alone. Just like any other preference or personality difference, compassion and compromise are necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the extroverts feeling miserable during this 2-3 month interlude: Ask yourself is this is how miserable your introvert spouse felt during the entirety of your pre-pandemic social life.

Wouldn’t they just make more phone calls or FaceTimes if they need to talk or chat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My late husband was an introvert. There were some things he was willing to do, like go to concerts or out dancing, and others he hated, like parties. I gave up expecting him to go to parties with me. My friends all thought he hated them, which wasn't true. If I ever date again I would look for an extrovert. I find introverts exhausting.

This is what my friends and family think about my wife. I sometimes think she really does hate them. Dealing with an introvert is very exhausting. Being in quarantine really isn’t helping. I think we may go our separate ways when it’s over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Carrying entire days, conversations, ideas, actions, decisions for introverts is indeed exhausting. Most people give up and become mute themselves if forced to be with introverts. Which is fascinatingly awkward for most neurotypicals to be completely silent through most meals and encounters with family members. The kids were about 9 yo when they realized one of their parents never talked much, about anything.

There’s a famous quote: “If there’s one autistic family member in the house, the whole family has autism.”

Right, bc there’s no one to talk to or with! Or they get aggravated just being asked something!

So true. I had to find most of my Adult social needs outside of the house.

I feel like there’s something more than introversion here. I think that the introvert partner/parent who is silent all the time is someone who is not given space to talk because everyone else is blathering on and unwilling to stomach a lull of more than a breath’s length. I deal with this at work. I’m much more contributory when we handle our plans via email or a shared Google Doc. I just don’t like the verbal diarrhea approach to conversation. Zoom has been awful for me. It’s impossible to get a word in edgewise. No one is paying attention to my body language that I have something to share. I don’t have this issue at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Carrying entire days, conversations, ideas, actions, decisions for introverts is indeed exhausting. Most people give up and become mute themselves if forced to be with introverts. Which is fascinatingly awkward for most neurotypicals to be completely silent through most meals and encounters with family members. The kids were about 9 yo when they realized one of their parents never talked much, about anything.

This is interesting to me. I am an introvert DW married to extrovert DH. I do not feel that my husband has ever had to carry entire days, ideas, actions or decisions for me. Conversations, yes. My husband can talk about anything to anyone. I am more comfortable with silence or deeper conversations, small talk has never been my thing. I do not believe most introverts are like you described above, i.e. expecting others to make decisions, perform actions or make decisions for them. I think that I am actually far more focused and goal oriented that my husband who is extremely social. It is just a difference that he gets his energy from interacting with others and I get my energy from taking time to myself.

Same here. But I would say that my husband doesn't even have to carry conversations -- I'm perfectly capable of having conversations with other. It's really about what energizes and drains each of us.

I would say this: I do need more down time than he does. But it has to be real down time. If I'm reading a book and the kids keep running in to ask me stuff they could have asked him, or he keeps interrupting, it's not really restorative. But I suck it up sometimes, too. I'm more likely to participate in some event if it's really important to him, etc., so he'll tell me if it's a big deal or not.

"Introvert" doesn't mean antisocial or selfish or rude. It means that people are drained by social activities with big groups, and recharged with time alone. Just like any other preference or personality difference, compassion and compromise are necessary.

This!

I even like small intimate groups. But 4 hours at a big party is too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the extroverts feeling miserable during this 2-3 month interlude: Ask yourself is this is how miserable your introvert spouse felt during the entirety of your pre-pandemic social life.

Personally, I felt a lot better that more than 100,000 people had not died or that when you socialized there wasn’t a risk of catching a virus that is potentially deadly or permanently harmful.

You did? Six months ago, while you socialized, you were thinking about how grateful you were that 100,000 people hadn't died? You must've been amazing!

Thanks for helping us keep it all in perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the extroverts feeling miserable during this 2-3 month interlude: Ask yourself is this is how miserable your introvert spouse felt during the entirety of your pre-pandemic social life.

Wouldn’t they just make more phone calls or FaceTimes if they need to talk or chat?

You'd think so! But there seems to be something different about in-person conversation in large groups, plus the excitement of physically rushing around to different gatherings. I text and email my friends throughout the day and that's great, but that doesn't work for her kind of extrovert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My late husband was an introvert. There were some things he was willing to do, like go to concerts or out dancing, and others he hated, like parties. I gave up expecting him to go to parties with me. My friends all thought he hated them, which wasn't true. If I ever date again I would look for an extrovert. I find introverts exhausting.

This is what my friends and family think about my wife. I sometimes think she really does hate them. Dealing with an introvert is very exhausting. Being in quarantine really isn’t helping. I think we may go our separate ways when it’s over.

Sounds like that would be a much more pleasant experience for both of you.

Sometimes the introvert/extrovert pairing works. Often they find each other equally exhausting. Doesn't make either of them a bad person, but it's also not the case that one person is "easy" and "right" in some admirable way -- they are just as much a pain to the other person, when it isn't working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the extroverts feeling miserable during this 2-3 month interlude: Ask yourself is this is how miserable your introvert spouse felt during the entirety of your pre-pandemic social life.

Wouldn’t they just make more phone calls or FaceTimes if they need to talk or chat?

I am an introvert, and I LOVE zoom and FaceTime! I only talk to the people I actually want to talk to, and the whole conversation is focused on interacting with each other. My understanding of my extroverted friends and spouse is that they like the general "buzz" of being in a group. They enjoy break rooms where everyone congregates and open office plans with no walls. They would prefer to eat at a crowded restaurant than a quiet one at the kitchen table. Hobbies are mostly about meeting the other people engaged in the hobby and talking about it to others. At home, they might have on the television or music in the background, but it doesn't really take the place of a group of people in the background.

So, spending time just doing hobbies alone, eating nice food at home, and talking to one or just a few people at a time on FaceTime or Zoom is draining. I get that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My late husband was an introvert. There were some things he was willing to do, like go to concerts or out dancing, and others he hated, like parties. I gave up expecting him to go to parties with me. My friends all thought he hated them, which wasn't true. If I ever date again I would look for an extrovert. I find introverts exhausting.

This is what my friends and family think about my wife. I sometimes think she really does hate them. Dealing with an introvert is very exhausting. Being in quarantine really isn’t helping. I think we may go our separate ways when it’s over.

I am a shy introvert, and I have had issues with this as well, particularly as a teenager. I feel embarrassed if I talk to much and often think I am boring the other person. I do well at parties because most people just want you to be interested in whatever they are interested in and tell a funny story every now and again. But I really struggle in one on one conversations where I know the person well enough that most small talk conversations aren't necessary. I jump too quickly to personal questions which makes the relationship awkward when you try to keep it superficial later on.