Introverts married to extroverts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Carrying entire days, conversations, ideas, actions, decisions for introverts is indeed exhausting. Most people give up and become mute themselves if forced to be with introverts. Which is fascinatingly awkward for most neurotypicals to be completely silent through most meals and encounters with family members. The kids were about 9 yo when they realized one of their parents never talked much, about anything.

There’s a famous quote: “If there’s one autistic family member in the house, the whole family has autism.”

Right, bc there’s no one to talk to or with! Or they get aggravated just being asked something!

So true. I had to find most of my Adult social needs outside of the house.

I feel like there’s something more than introversion here. I think that the introvert partner/parent who is silent all the time is someone who is not given space to talk because everyone else is blathering on and unwilling to stomach a lull of more than a breath’s length. I deal with this at work. I’m much more contributory when we handle our plans via email or a shared Google Doc. I just don’t like the verbal diarrhea approach to conversation. Zoom has been awful for me. It’s impossible to get a word in edgewise. No one is paying attention to my body language that I have something to share. I don’t have this issue at home.

Agree. Can’t parse through who is who but many good points.
Also, most autistic/aspergers people are introverts (get overwhelmed, no social cues during the day and shut down) but most introverts are not autistic.

[Anonymous]

I am very introverted, but don’t have a problem with my core family, not including in-laws. I am surprised to hear other introverts have problem coping at their own home. Am I not a typical introvert?

[Anonymous]

I am an extrovert as are my DC's and DH is introvert. DH is happy to watch the kids while I go do things with friends and socialize. You should do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very introverted, but don’t have a problem with my core family, not including in-laws. I am surprised to hear other introverts have problem coping at their own home. Am I not a typical introvert?

Introvert is not one thing. Like pretty much everything in life, there is a spectrum.

I’d consider myself an introvert. That being said, I love going to parties, meeting new people, going out and doing things. I’m the type of person who will chat with a cashier, or say hi and smile at everyone while I’m Grocery shopping. But, when I’m tired and worn out, my healing and restorative spot is walking in a quite place alone, or doing yoga, or quietly sitting watching the sunset, completely with my own thoughts. If I don’t get enough of that kind of alone time, I get mentally overwhelmed and exhausted. If I don’t get social time, I might miss it a little bit, but I don’t feel drained by that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an extrovert as are my DC's and DH is introvert. DH is happy to watch the kids while I go do things with friends and socialize. You should do the same.

I am an introvert married to an extrovert, and I feel the same way as pp’s husband. I think our biggest issue with this is that he doesn’t feel that I “need” the time because I am not doing anything, whereas he sees his time spent socializing as obviously important. It makes sense to him that I would watch the kids while he did something with friends. And it makes sense to him that he would watch the kids while I did something with friends. What doesn’t make sense to him is for him to watch the kids while I finish up something from work that isn’t immediately due, but which I am thinking about right now, or that I go and pray or take a walk for an hour.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who thinks no one is helped by classifying people this way? Introvert/Extrovert. I also think Myers Briggs is a bunch of hooey, and it doesn't help anyone, or help anyone's relationships to think in these terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the extroverts feeling miserable during this 2-3 month interlude: Ask yourself is this is how miserable your introvert spouse felt during the entirety of your pre-pandemic social life.

Once I realized how uncomfortable my introvert spouse was about going out as frequently as I like, we compromised. I only ask him to do what is high priority. After getting to go hear live music or a party I come home so happy, and he’s recharged from just being quiet. Works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very introverted, but don’t have a problem with my core family, not including in-laws. I am surprised to hear other introverts have problem coping at their own home. Am I not a typical introvert?

Introvert is not one thing. Like pretty much everything in life, there is a spectrum.

I’d consider myself an introvert. That being said, I love going to parties, meeting new people, going out and doing things. I’m the type of person who will chat with a cashier, or say hi and smile at everyone while I’m Grocery shopping. But, when I’m tired and worn out, my healing and restorative spot is walking in a quite place alone, or doing yoga, or quietly sitting watching the sunset, completely with my own thoughts. If I don’t get enough of that kind of alone time, I get mentally overwhelmed and exhausted. If I don’t get social time, I might miss it a little bit, but I don’t feel drained by that.

This describes my personality, as well. One of my friends described herself as a "high functioning introvert," and I thought, "Yes, that's me."

I had a job that involved talking to people all day and attending lots of receptions, and I loved my job, but it was hard to go home and then be "on" for my spouse and child. I sucked it up and did it, but I found that I needed to spend a couple of hours alone after everyone else had gone to bed to recharge my batteries. I didn't sleep a lot during those years.

[Anonymous]

My introvert DH frustrates me to no end because when we are around other people with whom he is not very comfortable, he’s a total mute. He adds nothing to the conversation and leads people to think he’s no fun, weird and standoffish. It’s very much hurt our social life and at times makes me want to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My introvert DH frustrates me to no end because when we are around other people with whom he is not very comfortable, he’s a total mute. He adds nothing to the conversation and leads people to think he’s no fun, weird and standoffish. It’s very much hurt our social life and at times makes me want to leave.

Yes. It’s not that great being that person either. It’s not like I’m thinking all of these incredibly witty things to say and just not saying them.

The only thing that’s helpful is to be able to relax. Alcohol helps. Being told that people really like me (even if it’s a little lie) helps. Being given angry looks from my mother (fortunately my husband does NOT give me angry looks), does not help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My introvert DH frustrates me to no end because when we are around other people with whom he is not very comfortable, he’s a total mute. He adds nothing to the conversation and leads people to think he’s no fun, weird and standoffish. It’s very much hurt our social life and at times makes me want to leave.

Intovert/Extrovert has way more to do with how you "recharge your battteries" than whether you are witty or fun at parties. I know many introverts who are the life of the party and hilarious, they just need to get home and rest after the performance.

Sorry, but your husband is just dull.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks no one is helped by classifying people this way? Introvert/Extrovert. I also think Myers Briggs is a bunch of hooey, and it doesn't help anyone, or help anyone's relationships to think in these terms.

Once I realized that other people recharge by being alone, it really helped me understand both my parents and of course many of my friends. My mother couldn’t understand how I enjoyed going out both weekend nights and to me, that was a minimum. Whatever helps explains the source of energy issue.

[Anonymous]

I'm the introvert wife, and one way we handle events that he wants to go to and I'm indifferent about is that we don't necessarily arrive or depart together. He loves to go early to school functions to chit-chat with the other parents, and I like to show up just as it starts. So we arrive separately, and he saves me a seat. Or, if it's a cocktail party, we'll arrive together, but I might Uber home once I've had enough. We do our best to compromise on dinner parties that we host--he always wants to make them bigger, and I'm always pushing for smaller. We do some of each. Of course, I'm very content with the limited social calendar right now, and he's finding ways to be more social: Zoom calls, walks in the neighborhood, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the extroverts feeling miserable during this 2-3 month interlude: Ask yourself is this is how miserable your introvert spouse felt during the entirety of your pre-pandemic social life.

Once I realized how uncomfortable my introvert spouse was about going out as frequently as I like, we compromised. I only ask him to do what is high priority. After getting to go hear live music or a party I come home so happy, and he’s recharged from just being quiet. Works for us.

Would you consider family gatherings a high priority?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My introvert DH frustrates me to no end because when we are around other people with whom he is not very comfortable, he’s a total mute. He adds nothing to the conversation and leads people to think he’s no fun, weird and standoffish. It’s very much hurt our social life and at times makes me want to leave.

OP here, that sounds like my wife and our situation.