Trying to convince husband to have a third baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I convinced my DH to have a third. At first he was neutral about having 2 or 3; then when he realized I was trying to convince him he became adamantly opposed to a third. When he finally saw that I would absolutely respect his wishes to stick with two, but that I would feel a sense of loss because I’d always envisioned three, he became open to it. Once we started trying he was TOTALLY on board and super excited.

Money was not an issue for us, so that was less of a factor, and we have a somewhat larger gap between kids (a little over 3 years) so we had a good chunk of time out of the baby phase before diving into it again.

OP here. Thanks so much. This was helpful advice. Money is not an issue as well. Did you just say, "Okay I am fine with two, but let him know that you will feel a sense of loss without three?"

Yes, basically. I mean, I told him I thought we were really a happy family, and we would still be a happy family with just 2 kids, but that it’s something I would think about my entire life. I think that part surprised him; that even in our 60s and 70s I’d be left wondering what life with 3 would have been like. I also presented all the reasons (more rational than emotional) I thought 3 was better for us than 2. I wasn’t ready to be done with the toddler phase (and our youngest was 2). I said (and this part got to him) with three there’s less pressure on any one kid when they are adults, and greater guarantee that we’d have adult children and grandchildren living near us. We both would like grandchildren but are pretty opposed to pressuring our kids in any way to have kids of their own. With 3 adult children if one (or two) spend the holidays elsewhere you still might have one come visit you.

I also listened to and addressed his concerns, which in our case were that he wouldn’t have enough time or energy to devote to a third, and that our relationship would suffer. We came up with a plan to address both those fears.

We had conversations over the course of 6 months about this however, it wasn’t just own night. And it felt like a decision we came to together even though I started out wanting a third and he didn’t.

Lol, So you decided to have a third child to reduce your odds of a lonely Christmas in 20 years? And if you feel empty without a third child, why not go for a 4th, 5th or 6th?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I convinced my DH to have a third. At first he was neutral about having 2 or 3; then when he realized I was trying to convince him he became adamantly opposed to a third. When he finally saw that I would absolutely respect his wishes to stick with two, but that I would feel a sense of loss because I’d always envisioned three, he became open to it. Once we started trying he was TOTALLY on board and super excited.

Money was not an issue for us, so that was less of a factor, and we have a somewhat larger gap between kids (a little over 3 years) so we had a good chunk of time out of the baby phase before diving into it again.

OP here. Thanks so much. This was helpful advice. Money is not an issue as well. Did you just say, "Okay I am fine with two, but let him know that you will feel a sense of loss without three?"

Yes, basically. I mean, I told him I thought we were really a happy family, and we would still be a happy family with just 2 kids, but that it’s something I would think about my entire life. I think that part surprised him; that even in our 60s and 70s I’d be left wondering what life with 3 would have been like. I also presented all the reasons (more rational than emotional) I thought 3 was better for us than 2. I wasn’t ready to be done with the toddler phase (and our youngest was 2). I said (and this part got to him) with three there’s less pressure on any one kid when they are adults, and greater guarantee that we’d have adult children and grandchildren living near us. We both would like grandchildren but are pretty opposed to pressuring our kids in any way to have kids of their own. With 3 adult children if one (or two) spend the holidays elsewhere you still might have one come visit you.

I also listened to and addressed his concerns, which in our case were that he wouldn’t have enough time or energy to devote to a third, and that our relationship would suffer. We came up with a plan to address both those fears.

We had conversations over the course of 6 months about this however, it wasn’t just own night. And it felt like a decision we came to together even though I started out wanting a third and he didn’t.

Thank you so much. This is the most helpful advice I have heard so far. I agree for the same reasons. What's the age gap between your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I convinced my DH to have a third. At first he was neutral about having 2 or 3; then when he realized I was trying to convince him he became adamantly opposed to a third. When he finally saw that I would absolutely respect his wishes to stick with two, but that I would feel a sense of loss because I’d always envisioned three, he became open to it. Once we started trying he was TOTALLY on board and super excited.

Money was not an issue for us, so that was less of a factor, and we have a somewhat larger gap between kids (a little over 3 years) so we had a good chunk of time out of the baby phase before diving into it again.

OP here. Thanks so much. This was helpful advice. Money is not an issue as well. Did you just say, "Okay I am fine with two, but let him know that you will feel a sense of loss without three?"

Yes, basically. I mean, I told him I thought we were really a happy family, and we would still be a happy family with just 2 kids, but that it’s something I would think about my entire life. I think that part surprised him; that even in our 60s and 70s I’d be left wondering what life with 3 would have been like. I also presented all the reasons (more rational than emotional) I thought 3 was better for us than 2. I wasn’t ready to be done with the toddler phase (and our youngest was 2). I said (and this part got to him) with three there’s less pressure on any one kid when they are adults, and greater guarantee that we’d have adult children and grandchildren living near us. We both would like grandchildren but are pretty opposed to pressuring our kids in any way to have kids of their own. With 3 adult children if one (or two) spend the holidays elsewhere you still might have one come visit you.

I also listened to and addressed his concerns, which in our case were that he wouldn’t have enough time or energy to devote to a third, and that our relationship would suffer. We came up with a plan to address both those fears.

We had conversations over the course of 6 months about this however, it wasn’t just own night. And it felt like a decision we came to together even though I started out wanting a third and he didn’t.

I appreciate the honesty in this.

But I think the characterization as rational more than emotional is misplaced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait till this pandemic is over.

+1. If you got pregnant now, your baby would be born next winter when we’ll likely be experiencing a(nother) big wave of Covid. Don’t think you’d want to be pregnant, deliver a baby, have a newborn during a pandemic.

Another fear mongering crazy person..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he needs convincing..then he does NOT want a 3rd kid.

They haven’t had the conversation yet! He might not be adamantly against it. He might have a particular concern, like worrying about less couple time, that can be addressed.

OP here. Thank you. Yes, I am just asking for advice. I think having a plan is good. I have already taken care of the newborns, my DH is better with the toddler stage, so we have a good plan. My DH is in his early 40s, and mainly his concern is age, but a lot of people have their first child at his age.

What I see in this thread from the first few pages alone is that you are already dismissing his (very valid) concern and only addressing comments from poster who have successfully convinced their husband to have a third. It seems that your mind is made up and you are not willing to consider any points of view counter to yours. Good luck, but I truly feel this is going to drive a wedge between you and him if this is your attitude to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I convinced my DH to have a third. At first he was neutral about having 2 or 3; then when he realized I was trying to convince him he became adamantly opposed to a third. When he finally saw that I would absolutely respect his wishes to stick with two, but that I would feel a sense of loss because I’d always envisioned three, he became open to it. Once we started trying he was TOTALLY on board and super excited.

Money was not an issue for us, so that was less of a factor, and we have a somewhat larger gap between kids (a little over 3 years) so we had a good chunk of time out of the baby phase before diving into it again.

OP here. Thanks so much. This was helpful advice. Money is not an issue as well. Did you just say, "Okay I am fine with two, but let him know that you will feel a sense of loss without three?"

Yes, basically. I mean, I told him I thought we were really a happy family, and we would still be a happy family with just 2 kids, but that it’s something I would think about my entire life. I think that part surprised him; that even in our 60s and 70s I’d be left wondering what life with 3 would have been like. I also presented all the reasons (more rational than emotional) I thought 3 was better for us than 2. I wasn’t ready to be done with the toddler phase (and our youngest was 2). I said (and this part got to him) with three there’s less pressure on any one kid when they are adults, and greater guarantee that we’d have adult children and grandchildren living near us. We both would like grandchildren but are pretty opposed to pressuring our kids in any way to have kids of their own. With 3 adult children if one (or two) spend the holidays elsewhere you still might have one come visit you.

I also listened to and addressed his concerns, which in our case were that he wouldn’t have enough time or energy to devote to a third, and that our relationship would suffer. We came up with a plan to address both those fears.

We had conversations over the course of 6 months about this however, it wasn’t just own night. And it felt like a decision we came to together even though I started out wanting a third and he didn’t.

Lol, So you decided to have a third child to reduce your odds of a lonely Christmas in 20 years? And if you feel empty without a third child, why not go for a 4th, 5th or 6th?

+1. I hear they’re cheaper by the dozen, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he needs convincing..then he does NOT want a 3rd kid.

They haven’t had the conversation yet! He might not be adamantly against it. He might have a particular concern, like worrying about less couple time, that can be addressed.

OP here. Thank you. Yes, I am just asking for advice. I think having a plan is good. I have already taken care of the newborns, my DH is better with the toddler stage, so we have a good plan. My DH is in his early 40s, and mainly his concern is age, but a lot of people have their first child at his age.

What I see in this thread from the first few pages alone is that you are already dismissing his (very valid) concern and only addressing comments from poster who have successfully convinced their husband to have a third. It seems that your mind is made up and you are not willing to consider any points of view counter to yours. Good luck, but I truly feel this is going to drive a wedge between you and him if this is your attitude to start.

This makes no sense. You think she shouldn’t talk to her husband because he MIGHT disagree? How do you stay married if you’re always walking on eggshells around your spouse?

Personally, I couldn’t live that way.

In healthy relationships, people should be able to tell each other what’s important to them. If you can’t do that, what’s the point of being married???

[Anonymous]

How did it go OP?

[Anonymous]

I was 45 years old when I got married and my wife was 25 years old at the time and money was not an issue for us. I only wanted one child but we ended up having four kids within 7 years. Looking back, I was very stupid and selfish of me to think that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did it go OP?

We are having the conversation in a couple of months, OP here. I am not dismissing my DH's concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I convinced my DH to have a third. At first he was neutral about having 2 or 3; then when he realized I was trying to convince him he became adamantly opposed to a third. When he finally saw that I would absolutely respect his wishes to stick with two, but that I would feel a sense of loss because I’d always envisioned three, he became open to it. Once we started trying he was TOTALLY on board and super excited.

Money was not an issue for us, so that was less of a factor, and we have a somewhat larger gap between kids (a little over 3 years) so we had a good chunk of time out of the baby phase before diving into it again.

OP here. Thanks so much. This was helpful advice. Money is not an issue as well. Did you just say, "Okay I am fine with two, but let him know that you will feel a sense of loss without three?"

Yes, basically. I mean, I told him I thought we were really a happy family, and we would still be a happy family with just 2 kids, but that it’s something I would think about my entire life. I think that part surprised him; that even in our 60s and 70s I’d be left wondering what life with 3 would have been like. I also presented all the reasons (more rational than emotional) I thought 3 was better for us than 2. I wasn’t ready to be done with the toddler phase (and our youngest was 2). I said (and this part got to him) with three there’s less pressure on any one kid when they are adults, and greater guarantee that we’d have adult children and grandchildren living near us. We both would like grandchildren but are pretty opposed to pressuring our kids in any way to have kids of their own. With 3 adult children if one (or two) spend the holidays elsewhere you still might have one come visit you.

I also listened to and addressed his concerns, which in our case were that he wouldn’t have enough time or energy to devote to a third, and that our relationship would suffer. We came up with a plan to address both those fears.

We had conversations over the course of 6 months about this however, it wasn’t just own night. And it felt like a decision we came to together even though I started out wanting a third and he didn’t.

Thank you so much. This is the most helpful advice I have heard so far. I agree for the same reasons. What's the age gap between your children?

Also, can you share his concerns and your reasonings for a third? You articulated it so well from above.

[Anonymous]

Husband here - I was fine with the two we had, boy and girl, but my wife really wanted to have a third as she was from a family of three and she had really enjoyed being pregnant after the first trimester. I was a pretty engaged father but I knew the infant/baby child rearing burden was mostly on her shoulders. Whatever discussion we might have had ended quickly because she really wanted a third and I knew a child would be very lucky to have her as a mom. I can’t imagine life without our third!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did it go OP?

We are having the conversation in a couple of months, OP here. I am not dismissing my DH's concerns.

I don't feel like this is something that you should sit down and discuss at one single family meeting. For us, it was a series of conversations and respectful discussions over time. That's just a more natural way to communicate in a marriage I think and allows you to voice concerns that pop up, or alternatively alleviate concerns as they arise.

I (wife) was the one on the fence about a third. Husband successfully convinced me to have a third, and I'm so so glad he did.

My concerns were mostly fear based. I got spooked during the first two pregnancies with all the prenatal testing we went through, and after my son and daughter were born, I felt like we should count our blessings and stop at two. My change of heart happened over a series of months, not in one single night, as we discussed the statistics, what we would do if something went wrong, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did it go OP?

We are having the conversation in a couple of months, OP here. I am not dismissing my DH's concerns.

I don't feel like this is something that you should sit down and discuss at one single family meeting. For us, it was a series of conversations and respectful discussions over time. That's just a more natural way to communicate in a marriage I think and allows you to voice concerns that pop up, or alternatively alleviate concerns as they arise.

I (wife) was the one on the fence about a third. Husband successfully convinced me to have a third, and I'm so so glad he did.

My concerns were mostly fear based. I got spooked during the first two pregnancies with all the prenatal testing we went through, and after my son and daughter were born, I felt like we should count our blessings and stop at two. My change of heart happened over a series of months, not in one single night, as we discussed the statistics, what we would do if something went wrong, etc.

I agree with you 100 percent, but we don't have much time as we are getting older. OP here.

[Anonymous]

You need to convince him. You already have your answer.