Trying to convince husband to have a third baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did it go OP?

We are having the conversation in a couple of months, OP here. I am not dismissing my DH's concerns.

I don't feel like this is something that you should sit down and discuss at one single family meeting. For us, it was a series of conversations and respectful discussions over time. That's just a more natural way to communicate in a marriage I think and allows you to voice concerns that pop up, or alternatively alleviate concerns as they arise.

I (wife) was the one on the fence about a third. Husband successfully convinced me to have a third, and I'm so so glad he did.

My concerns were mostly fear based. I got spooked during the first two pregnancies with all the prenatal testing we went through, and after my son and daughter were born, I felt like we should count our blessings and stop at two. My change of heart happened over a series of months, not in one single night, as we discussed the statistics, what we would do if something went wrong, etc.

I agree with you 100 percent, but we don't have much time as we are getting older. OP here.

What I mean is, don't wait a couple of months for your family meeting. Start talking about this now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was about to say to be prepared to offer to do the heavy lifting on #3 but someone upthread said that's a bad idea

It's a bad idea because when he takes you up on it, you'll be resentful. Or you won't actually do all the work, and he'll be resentful because you promised.

[Anonymous]

his body his choice. If he doesn't want another that is the end of the story. Learn to be happy with 2. Also, you are overpopulating the planet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I convinced my DH to have a third. At first he was neutral about having 2 or 3; then when he realized I was trying to convince him he became adamantly opposed to a third. When he finally saw that I would absolutely respect his wishes to stick with two, but that I would feel a sense of loss because I’d always envisioned three, he became open to it. Once we started trying he was TOTALLY on board and super excited.

Money was not an issue for us, so that was less of a factor, and we have a somewhat larger gap between kids (a little over 3 years) so we had a good chunk of time out of the baby phase before diving into it again.

OP here. Thanks so much. This was helpful advice. Money is not an issue as well. Did you just say, "Okay I am fine with two, but let him know that you will feel a sense of loss without three?"

Yes, basically. I mean, I told him I thought we were really a happy family, and we would still be a happy family with just 2 kids, but that it’s something I would think about my entire life. I think that part surprised him; that even in our 60s and 70s I’d be left wondering what life with 3 would have been like. I also presented all the reasons (more rational than emotional) I thought 3 was better for us than 2. I wasn’t ready to be done with the toddler phase (and our youngest was 2). I said (and this part got to him) with three there’s less pressure on any one kid when they are adults, and greater guarantee that we’d have adult children and grandchildren living near us. We both would like grandchildren but are pretty opposed to pressuring our kids in any way to have kids of their own. With 3 adult children if one (or two) spend the holidays elsewhere you still might have one come visit you.

I also listened to and addressed his concerns, which in our case were that he wouldn’t have enough time or energy to devote to a third, and that our relationship would suffer. We came up with a plan to address both those fears.

We had conversations over the course of 6 months about this however, it wasn’t just own night. And it felt like a decision we came to together even though I started out wanting a third and he didn’t.

Thank you so much. This is the most helpful advice I have heard so far. I agree for the same reasons. What's the age gap between your children?

PP here. Our kids are each a little over 3 years apart (so 6.5 between oldest and youngest).

And for the other poster - yes, we had a third just so we’d be less lonely at Christmas in 20 years! And we’d probably both love 4 or 5 adult children but it’s just so much work that we figured 3 is our limit.

Also I agree my division of rational v emotional reasons is arbitrary and probably inaccurate, I should say I had some conversations with him I which *I* was quite emotive about my feelings and some in which we were just sort of cold and rational about the idea. Ultimately his concerns were all logistical, and fed by his underlying fear of change. He felt like we had a good thing with 2, why mess it up? Also he knew (by baby #3!) how much work kids are and he didn’t want us to be overwhelmed. We literally came up with a list of all our potential sources of support (my mom, babysitter, outsource more housework), what we would do if things were hard (long term night nanny if sleep was too rough, for example), what our expectations were in terms of time together (we took a bunch of weekend trips alone before #3 was born, and said the goal will be at one year postpartum to be doing weekly date nights again, and at 2 years do regular weekends away again - obviously that’s a long time for some people but for us it was helpful to just have a vision for when we’d have time just the two of us again).

It’s hard for me to remember what his other concerns were, I’m sure there were more!

[Anonymous]

My wife approached me on having another child and my response was simple, if you are having the child and I am paying the hospital bill that's fine...if reversed then no.

And yes I was involved in caring for all our children so I knew there was more to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife approached me on having another child and my response was simple, if you are having the child and I am paying the hospital bill that's fine...if reversed then no.

And yes I was involved in caring for all our children so I knew there was more to it.

Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife approached me on having another child and my response was simple, if you are having the child and I am paying the hospital bill that's fine...if reversed then no.

And yes I was involved in caring for all our children so I knew there was more to it.

Huh?

Of course I knew it wasn't possible for me to have the child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I convinced my DH to have a third. At first he was neutral about having 2 or 3; then when he realized I was trying to convince him he became adamantly opposed to a third. When he finally saw that I would absolutely respect his wishes to stick with two, but that I would feel a sense of loss because I’d always envisioned three, he became open to it. Once we started trying he was TOTALLY on board and super excited.

Money was not an issue for us, so that was less of a factor, and we have a somewhat larger gap between kids (a little over 3 years) so we had a good chunk of time out of the baby phase before diving into it again.

OP here. Thanks so much. This was helpful advice. Money is not an issue as well. Did you just say, "Okay I am fine with two, but let him know that you will feel a sense of loss without three?"

Yes, basically. I mean, I told him I thought we were really a happy family, and we would still be a happy family with just 2 kids, but that it’s something I would think about my entire life. I think that part surprised him; that even in our 60s and 70s I’d be left wondering what life with 3 would have been like. I also presented all the reasons (more rational than emotional) I thought 3 was better for us than 2. I wasn’t ready to be done with the toddler phase (and our youngest was 2). I said (and this part got to him) with three there’s less pressure on any one kid when they are adults, and greater guarantee that we’d have adult children and grandchildren living near us. We both would like grandchildren but are pretty opposed to pressuring our kids in any way to have kids of their own. With 3 adult children if one (or two) spend the holidays elsewhere you still might have one come visit you.

I also listened to and addressed his concerns, which in our case were that he wouldn’t have enough time or energy to devote to a third, and that our relationship would suffer. We came up with a plan to address both those fears.

We had conversations over the course of 6 months about this however, it wasn’t just own night. And it felt like a decision we came to together even though I started out wanting a third and he didn’t.

Thank you so much. This is the most helpful advice I have heard so far. I agree for the same reasons. What's the age gap between your children?

PP here. Our kids are each a little over 3 years apart (so 6.5 between oldest and youngest).

And for the other poster - yes, we had a third just so we’d be less lonely at Christmas in 20 years! And we’d probably both love 4 or 5 adult children but it’s just so much work that we figured 3 is our limit.

Also I agree my division of rational v emotional reasons is arbitrary and probably inaccurate, I should say I had some conversations with him I which *I* was quite emotive about my feelings and some in which we were just sort of cold and rational about the idea. Ultimately his concerns were all logistical, and fed by his underlying fear of change. He felt like we had a good thing with 2, why mess it up? Also he knew (by baby #3!) how much work kids are and he didn’t want us to be overwhelmed. We literally came up with a list of all our potential sources of support (my mom, babysitter, outsource more housework), what we would do if things were hard (long term night nanny if sleep was too rough, for example), what our expectations were in terms of time together (we took a bunch of weekend trips alone before #3 was born, and said the goal will be at one year postpartum to be doing weekly date nights again, and at 2 years do regular weekends away again - obviously that’s a long time for some people but for us it was helpful to just have a vision for when we’d have time just the two of us again).

It’s hard for me to remember what his other concerns were, I’m sure there were more!

Thank you so much. This is great advice. Our first two are 2.5 years apart, and it might be better to wait until 3 years when things get a little better. I like how you both laid out the cost/ benefit of things and prioritized your marriage. Did you have a budget? I don't think we can afford a night nanny if sleep is rough though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I convinced my DH to have a third. At first he was neutral about having 2 or 3; then when he realized I was trying to convince him he became adamantly opposed to a third. When he finally saw that I would absolutely respect his wishes to stick with two, but that I would feel a sense of loss because I’d always envisioned three, he became open to it. Once we started trying he was TOTALLY on board and super excited.

Money was not an issue for us, so that was less of a factor, and we have a somewhat larger gap between kids (a little over 3 years) so we had a good chunk of time out of the baby phase before diving into it again.

OP here. Thanks so much. This was helpful advice. Money is not an issue as well. Did you just say, "Okay I am fine with two, but let him know that you will feel a sense of loss without three?"

Yes, basically. I mean, I told him I thought we were really a happy family, and we would still be a happy family with just 2 kids, but that it’s something I would think about my entire life. I think that part surprised him; that even in our 60s and 70s I’d be left wondering what life with 3 would have been like. I also presented all the reasons (more rational than emotional) I thought 3 was better for us than 2. I wasn’t ready to be done with the toddler phase (and our youngest was 2). I said (and this part got to him) with three there’s less pressure on any one kid when they are adults, and greater guarantee that we’d have adult children and grandchildren living near us. We both would like grandchildren but are pretty opposed to pressuring our kids in any way to have kids of their own. With 3 adult children if one (or two) spend the holidays elsewhere you still might have one come visit you.

I also listened to and addressed his concerns, which in our case were that he wouldn’t have enough time or energy to devote to a third, and that our relationship would suffer. We came up with a plan to address both those fears.

We had conversations over the course of 6 months about this however, it wasn’t just own night. And it felt like a decision we came to together even though I started out wanting a third and he didn’t.

Thank you so much. This is the most helpful advice I have heard so far. I agree for the same reasons. What's the age gap between your children?

PP here. Our kids are each a little over 3 years apart (so 6.5 between oldest and youngest).

And for the other poster - yes, we had a third just so we’d be less lonely at Christmas in 20 years! And we’d probably both love 4 or 5 adult children but it’s just so much work that we figured 3 is our limit.

Also I agree my division of rational v emotional reasons is arbitrary and probably inaccurate, I should say I had some conversations with him I which *I* was quite emotive about my feelings and some in which we were just sort of cold and rational about the idea. Ultimately his concerns were all logistical, and fed by his underlying fear of change. He felt like we had a good thing with 2, why mess it up? Also he knew (by baby #3!) how much work kids are and he didn’t want us to be overwhelmed. We literally came up with a list of all our potential sources of support (my mom, babysitter, outsource more housework), what we would do if things were hard (long term night nanny if sleep was too rough, for example), what our expectations were in terms of time together (we took a bunch of weekend trips alone before #3 was born, and said the goal will be at one year postpartum to be doing weekly date nights again, and at 2 years do regular weekends away again - obviously that’s a long time for some people but for us it was helpful to just have a vision for when we’d have time just the two of us again).

It’s hard for me to remember what his other concerns were, I’m sure there were more!

Thank you so much. This is great advice. Our first two are 2.5 years apart, and it might be better to wait until 3 years when things get a little better. I like how you both laid out the cost/ benefit of things and prioritized your marriage. Did you have a budget? I don't think we can afford a night nanny if sleep is rough though.

While we didn't have a strict budget, we figured if our third was such a bad sleeper that we needed a longer-term night nanny, we wouldn't be going on vacation that year (because who wants to travel with a bad sleeper!?). So the vacation money would be spent on a night nanny.

At my husband's request we actually did hire a night nanny while I was still pregnant, because it was easier to interview people before the baby arrived. We booked someone for one night a week starting at around 6 weeks postpartum. We'd never used one for our other kids, and I was not super excited about it. BUT I have to say just one night a week of guaranteed sleep really took the pressure off. Like, if things were rough, we both knew we had that night to look forward to. And then we had a person we already had a relationship with in case things got bad (luckily it was fine and we didn't have her come for very long, just maybe 4-6 weeks, I can't really remember).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three is exponentially harder than 2.

Do you have 3? I am a SAHM and we can afford a full-time nanny.

[Anonymous]

If you "have to convince him", the answer is no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait till this pandemic is over. Pregnancy during covid sucks so hard.

I think pregnancy was hard in the beginning of the pandemic, but now everybody knows how to deal with it- masks and social distance- and all healthcare workers have been vaccinated. I got pregnant in February and it has been really nice to first trimester at home feeling tired and nauseas, instead of being at the office or out and about. I think it’s a fine time to get pregnant especially if you’ve been vaccinated. Life will be back to normal-ish in a few months.

[Anonymous]

This thread is so sexist. Why is it okay for OP to push her husband to have another child he doesn’t want, but a man doing it is wrong? Yes she will be the one pregnant, but the child is just as much his responsibility. Pushing your spouse to have a baby they don’t want is a terrible idea. That will likely lead to resentment and many other issues.

[Anonymous]

2 kids the age of OP’s kids usually takes a toll on the bedroom for obvious reasons; time, energy, and the resulting loss of interest.

A third will make that situation worse.

How are things now in that department? Is it a concern of his?

OP shared that her DH is concerned about another kid at his age (early 40s) - but her response here was clearly dismissive of her husband’s concern.

OP: I am not convinced you are on the same page / same wavelength/ same team as your partner. Get closer to your husband before you dive into a potentially marriage-ending mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three is exponentially harder than 2.

Do you have 3? I am a SAHM and we can afford a full-time nanny.

I do have 3 but could not afford a nanny and had to raise them myself. The second one is graduating HS this year and I feel done except that I'm not done because the 3rd has two more years of HS. It is a marathon not a sprint and it gets old after you have been doing it for 20 years. It might be very different though if you can afford help and many on here say money is not an issue. I wanted to give my perspective from the other end because you have to stay geared up for all three and the novelty may end with one or two.