Cursing during arguments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I never swear at each other when we’re arguing. It’s not like we never use it in other contexts, but we don’t direct it to each other.

+1

[Anonymous]

"Once a month" is NOT "very rarely." If you're getting so upset that you're dropping f-bombs almost once a month, you and your wife sure are fighting a lot.

DH and I get to that level maybe once a year, or 18 months. We are both NYers, so obviously not adverse to cursing, but we would never curse at each other and almost never get in fights at a level of saying "That's f**king b**lsh*t!" Actually, I know exactly the last time I said that to him. We were engaged, and our venue gave our date away to another couple. I went full on bridezilla for an hour over that. We've been together 16 years and married for 10.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I never swear at each other when we’re arguing. It’s not like we never use it in other contexts, but we don’t direct it to each other.

+1

+2 I agree with the PP that said if you're cursing you're ramping up and making the situation more volatile, rather than trying to deescalate and come to an understanding. It bothers me that OP is 20 years into this marriage and still having heated fights with cursing all the time. Learn some conflict resolution skills already!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP.

Yikes. I was on your side (I curse like a sailor) until I got to the bolded. You tell your wife to f*** off once a MONTH and think that's "very rarely"??

This is not a healthy relationship. You aren't cursing in general, you're cursing at her. Routinely. Stop that.

Fair enough. I will do my absolute best to never say it. Was already doing my best, will try even harder. Problem solved, let's move on to the question that I actually asked.

The problem is that ANY time i say FK during an argument - that's it, argument is over, she won, that was "verbal abuse". I don't think that's a correct interpretation of what "verbal abuse" is. If you heard somewhere that "she was a victim of constant verbal abuse", would your first thought be "wow, he must have used a word FK during arguments"? I find that hard to believe.

I'll tell you the truth. Hearing the F word is not abuse. Telling your husband for 20 years that you feel like it's abusive when he curses at you, having him not stop cursing at you, and then going to a board of strangers to demand we tell you your wife is crazy, that feels pretty abusive. And the fact that when you don't get the response you're looking for you get snippy, defensive, and condescending just adds to the picture. You're trying to win on points instead of hearing her and trying to improve your marriage. What we think is not what matters here. You should care about your wife, and the general picture you're giving is of a man who doesn't.

I had a very physically abusive father. Once when we were arguing my then-boyfriend clenched his fists and it scared the crap out of me. Does that mean it's physical abuse to clench your fists in an argument? Of course not. But he saw how scared I got and we had a conversation about it and he has never done that or anything else physically threatening in an argument since. That was 8 years ago, he's now my husband.

This is something that's upsetting to your wife. Why don't you care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I never swear at each other when we’re arguing. It’s not like we never use it in other contexts, but we don’t direct it to each other.

+1

Even "minor" curse words just add fuel to the fire. And my husband has never once told me to f--- off. You can argue without using profanity, and if you can't, that's on you. You know your wife doesn't like it (I disagree that it's verbal abuse per se, but it might be worse than you perceive it to be), you know it just makes things worse, and you are choosing to continue to do it. So stop doing it.

[Anonymous]

I'll tell you the truth. Hearing the F word is not abuse. Telling your husband for 20 years that you feel like it's abusive when he curses at you, having him not stop cursing at you, and then going to a board of strangers to demand we tell you your wife is crazy, that feels pretty abusive. And the fact that when you don't get the response you're looking for you get snippy, defensive, and condescending just adds to the picture. You're trying to win on points instead of hearing her and trying to improve your marriage. What we think is not what matters here. You should care about your wife, and the general picture you're giving is of a man who doesn't.

I had a very physically abusive father. Once when we were arguing my then-boyfriend clenched his fists and it scared the crap out of me. Does that mean it's physical abuse to clench your fists in an argument? Of course not. But he saw how scared I got and we had a conversation about it and he has never done that or anything else physically threatening in an argument since. That was 8 years ago, he's now my husband.

This is something that's upsetting to your wife. Why don't you care?

Yes, this! And now you’re b*tching out people on the thread? No one is clutching their pearls here, and many have admitted to cursing as well.
You have anger issues and don’t even realize it. It’s so clear when reading all of your nasty responses. Your “best” is not good enough.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read the whole thread but wanted to say I curse during arguments. My DH doesn’t really curse in general and not in arguments either. I am the one who carries a sledgehammer and he is the one who will kill you with a thousand paper cuts. Anyway, as long as your fights are ultimately productive then I don’t think cursing in the abstract is a problem but if it disturbs your wife then you should really try to find an inoffensive alternative way to express acute anger/frustration.

[Anonymous]

JL41 wrote:OP here. Ok, a lot of very useful lectures here from people who have never met me or my wife, thank you! I'm actually very surprised that not a single lecturing person asked whether my wife ever curses during an argument? She actually does! A lot less often than me, I agree with that, but certainly does, and not like "once a year". What, it has never happened in history of marriage that a person always finds an excuse when they do X, but when the other spouse does it, it's completely unacceptable? I figured you'd ask before jumping to conclusions and lectures.

It seems like a minor thing to change, so why don’t you? As I said before, is this the hill you want to die on?

If this was a hill I was willing to die on, we'd be divorced a decade ago. I AM most definitely doing my best, as far as it is practically possible. But a heated argument is a heated argument. If am VERY upset by something she said, things slip. Have you never yelled at your kids when you're angry, even though you wish you didn't? Since I now told you that it's a bad thing, can you now commit to never ever doing it in future? I'm not saying that cursing is ok. It's not. In a perfect world it would never happen, but humans are not perfect.

But it doesn’t matter if everyone on DCUM agrees that it’s not verbal abuse.

Well, I think it does matter actually. It does make a difference whether the situation is "I'm a verbally abusive husband and she's the victimized wife", or whether it is "I am doing my best to reach the unreasonably high bar that she set, mostly getting there, but occasionally I slip and say FK in a heat of an argument". I think if you were the one being labeled a "verbally abusive spouse", it would matter to you too. Like i said, i AM doing my best to reach the bar that she set for me, but I don't think I'm a verbal abuser if I slip once in awhile. Or maybe I am - that was the whole point of asking this question.

You seem to think that all of us non cursers are some perfect people looking down our nose at anyone who doesn't occasionally lose their temper.

I do not think I have ever cursed in an argument with DH, certainly not AT him. I have never called him a name or said eff off. I don't think I've ever told him something he said or did was BS. That would, as other posters have said, immediately escalate the argument. It points to feeling dislike more than anger. I don't talk to teachers or bosses or my parents or my kids like that, why would I talk to my spouse like that? I swear plenty in arguments, say something like, 'I feel like I've been a b' or something like, 'Eff this is hard', or something where the curse is said in the conversation, but never AT him. And if he cursed AT me we would have a huge problem.

And like another poster has pointed out, this isn't in isolation, this is something your wife has been upset about for DECADES. I don't think I'd be married to someone who I asked to be nicer to me during fights and who was telling me to eff off once a month. I think its interesting you keep trying to get rid of that like, 'ok that's bad I'll stop that' but it is very telling that you put it in there as an example you thought would put us all on your side. It makes me wonder what else you say (because generally people ask for advice in a way that favors their side). And very telling that you think once a month is infrequent.

You've gotten feedback that this would upset a lot of people, so it isn't an abnormal request. Decide whether you care enough about your wife to do something about it. If not, at least give her the respect of telling her that her happiness isn't worth changing for, she should know what she's sticking around for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I never swear at each other when we’re arguing. It’s not like we never use it in other contexts, but we don’t direct it to each other.

+1

s

+1. DH swears like a sailor, but he has never directed it at me. Big, big difference.