Cursing during arguments

[Anonymous]

Hello. My wife and I have been having an ongoing issue for many many years. (In my opinion) She is extremely sensitive to any cursing. I have always been trying to limit it, but she expects (demands) it to be completely zero, and I don't think that is possible in a relationship where two adults live together for 20 years and have arguments. She says that I am the crazy one and that in all other families nobody curses when they argue. So I want to know what the truth is.

The cursing that comes out of my mouth is just "f_ck" and various variations of it - e.g. this is "f_cking b_llshit". I'd say probably the worst that comes out is "oh f_ck off", but very rarely, if i had to guess maybe once a month or so. I definitely never say anything personally demeaning, along the lines of "b_tch" etc. Only what I personally consider "cursing out of general frustration", not "cursing at her". However, to her any curse word, like just using "f_ck" anywhere in the heat of argument, is "verbal abuse". So I want to know - how are the arguments in other real families? Do you guys and gals curse? Are the examples that I mention "verbal abuse", or is this just what happens during fights? Do people really not curse during fights AT ALL? If i'm the crazy one - I do want to know. I only ask that people don't pick sides, like "team husband" vs "team wife".   

[Anonymous]

How do you figure that telling your wife to eff off isn't demeaning? This isn't rocket science. If she's offended, then stop. I can't imagine anyone telling you, yeah, it's cool, tell her to eff off. Grow the eff up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'd say probably the worst that comes out is "oh f_ck off", but very rarely, if i had to guess maybe once a month or so.   

This one stands out. Who are you talking to when you say this? Also, who else do you curse around like you do with your wife, and what do you say with them?

[Anonymous]

We both curse like sailors when angry so no way on the “other families don’t curse angle. It’s not the word per se but the intent behind it that counts.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I never swear at each other when we’re arguing. It’s not like we never use it in other contexts, but we don’t direct it to each other.

[Anonymous]

We curse in other areas of our lives. Never at or about each other. But we never curse when arguing. It just adds gas to a slow or raging fire. It’s not necessary. Even saying “what the f*ck?” can turn up the heat. When arguing, you should be trying to find ways to deescalate.

Regardless of what we the internet thinks, the person you love who wants to have an emotional connection to you is asking you to stop. Is this the hill you want to die on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We curse in other areas of our lives. Never at or about each other. But we never curse when arguing. It just adds gas to a slow or raging fire. It’s not necessary. Even saying “what the f*ck?” can turn up the heat. When arguing, you should be trying to find ways to deescalate.

Regardless of what we the internet thinks, the person you love who wants to have an emotional connection to you is asking you to stop. Is this the hill you want to die on?

This. But also, we can't be perfect. Not you, not your wife. Not me or my husband. Try your best. Tell her ahead of time you might need to leave to calm down a bit if she doesn't want you to curse. There has to be give and take here.

[Anonymous]

Wow, telling your wife to "eff off" once a month is a lot! That's definitely not "rarely" and I would consider it abusive.

OP do you curse at your coworkers and parents when you're irritated with them? I'm guessing no. That means you have the ability to control your mouth.

I'm more on your wife's side, if I had to choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We curse in other areas of our lives. Never at or about each other. But we never curse when arguing. It just adds gas to a slow or raging fire. It’s not necessary. Even saying “what the f*ck?” can turn up the heat. When arguing, you should be trying to find ways to deescalate.

Regardless of what we the internet thinks, the person you love who wants to have an emotional connection to you is asking you to stop. Is this the hill you want to die on?

This. But also, we can't be perfect. Not you, not your wife. Not me or my husband. Try your best. Tell her ahead of time you might need to leave to calm down a bit if she doesn't want you to curse. There has to be give and take here.

Thank you, reasonable person! OP here. I sure DO try my best. But sounds like everyone else here is always able to 100% change whatever it is they were doing, every single time “a person you care about and have emotional connection to” tells them they don’t like something. I’d very surprised if that was actually true in practice. But thank you for your replies nonetheless.

[Anonymous]

Cursing is losing control of your tongue. It is volatile. I hate when my DH curses, and he never curses at me. The one time he did, he felt horrible and apologized immediately.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Also, “eff off” was provided as an example of THE worst thing I would ever say. Everyone seems to jump on it and interpret it as that’s what is said all the time, or even often.

Anyway, my main question is - is saying “f_uck” or “wtf” during argument a verbal abuse? That sounds like a really extreme view to me, but maybe I’m wrong.

[Anonymous]

My husband rarely swears at all, I swear like a sailor. He doesn't care if I swear, but we don't ever in front of our kids. But we almost never do during fights. Early in our relationship (9 years), I think I said "f*ck" during a fight, and I thought he was going to break up with me. He grew up in an abusive household, and he considers it abuse if I swear during a fight. I would never in a million years say "oh f*ck off!", because he's asked me not to, and I understand why it bothers him so much.

My advice is if your wife considers it abuse, then perhaps you should stop? It's not that hard.

[Anonymous]

Op there are other threads where posters say they curse all the time when upset. It seems in this thread you are just getting responses from people who never curse.

As I am sure you know from reading this board, many posters will tell you that you are in the wrong just because in their minds men are always in the wrong. You may want to search for other threads where women have posted about getting mad during fights and there has been a very different response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Also, “eff off” was provided as an example of THE worst thing I would ever say. Everyone seems to jump on it and interpret it as that’s what is said all the time, or even often.

Anyway, my main question is - is saying “f_uck” or “wtf” during argument a verbal abuse? That sounds like a really extreme view to me, but maybe I’m wrong.

If a friend of mine told me that her husband is being verbally abusive to her, I would think that she’s talking about something far more serious than saying FK during arguments. So while it’s definitely not a good thing, I think it’s too low of a bar for verbal abuse definition.

[Anonymous]

Cursing in an argument is not verbal abuse.