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[quote=Anonymous][quote=JL41]OP here. Ok, a lot of very useful lectures here from people who have never met me or my wife, thank you! I'm actually very surprised that not a single lecturing person asked whether my wife ever curses during an argument? She actually does! A lot less often than me, I agree with that, but certainly does, and not like "once a year". What, it has never happened in history of marriage that a person always finds an excuse when they do X, but when the other spouse does it, it's completely unacceptable? I figured you'd ask before jumping to conclusions and lectures.

[quote]It seems like a minor thing to change, so why don’t you? As I said before, is this the hill you want to die on?[/quote]
If this was a hill I was willing to die on, we'd be divorced a decade ago. I AM most definitely doing my best, as far as it is practically possible. But a heated argument is a heated argument. If am VERY upset by something she said, things slip. Have you never yelled at your kids when you're angry, even though you wish you didn't? Since I now told you that it's a bad thing, can you now commit to never ever doing it in future? I'm not saying that cursing is ok. It's not. In a perfect world it would never happen, but humans are not perfect.

[quote]But it doesn’t matter if everyone on DCUM agrees that it’s not verbal abuse.[/quote]
Well, I think it does matter actually. It does make a difference whether the situation is "I'm a verbally abusive husband and she's the victimized wife", or whether it is "I am doing my best to reach the unreasonably high bar that she set, mostly getting there, but occasionally I slip and say FK in a heat of an argument". I think if you were the one being labeled a "verbally abusive spouse", it would matter to you too. Like i said, i AM doing my best to reach the bar that she set for me, but I don't think I'm a verbal abuser if I slip once in awhile. Or maybe I am - that was the whole point of asking this question.

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You seem to think that all of us non cursers are some perfect people looking down our nose at anyone who doesn't occasionally lose their temper.

I do not think I have ever cursed in an argument with DH, certainly not AT him. I have never called him a name or said eff off. I don't think I've ever told him something he said or did was BS. That would, as other posters have said, immediately escalate the argument. It points to feeling dislike more than anger. I don't talk to teachers or bosses or my parents or my kids like that, why would I talk to my spouse like that? I swear plenty in arguments, say something like, 'I feel like I've been a b' or something like, 'Eff this is hard', or something where the curse is said in the conversation, but never AT him. And if he cursed AT me we would have a huge problem.

And like another poster has pointed out, this isn't in isolation, this is something your wife has been upset about for DECADES. I don't think I'd be married to someone who I asked to be nicer to me during fights and who was telling me to eff off once a month. I think its interesting you keep trying to get rid of that like, 'ok that's bad I'll stop that' but it is very telling that you put it in there as an example you thought would put us all on your side. It makes me wonder what else you say (because generally people ask for advice in a way that favors their side). And very telling that you think once a month is infrequent.

You've gotten feedback that this would upset a lot of people, so it isn't an abnormal request. Decide whether you care enough about your wife to do something about it. If not, at least give her the respect of telling her that her happiness isn't worth changing for, she should know what she's sticking around for.[/quote]

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