My mom judges my parenting and now she’s babysitting my child

[Anonymous]

Hi op, it is very hard to handle someone else’s child when they are around. A child will cry to get their mom back. Sometimes in a heart breaking way. And then 5 min after you are out of the door they are perfectly happy again. But if they know you are right outside the door they will keep crying.

So I can understand why your mom would say it doesn’t work for her.

On her parenting choices. I may be on the stern side. I am loving but tantrums get calmly ignored. I have found that’s what works best. I do pick up kids and reassure though. I find some of my SILs complete pushover on that front and fast forward a few years my kids don’t blackmail me with tantrums and their kids do. We all have happy and loving relationships with our kids and we are all very close to them.

But maybe your mom is indeed traumatizing to your daughter, I can’t judge. How was she as a mom to you? Do you have terrible memories ? If not and it is really parenting styles and not child abuse. Then you need to drop it and not micromanage. You would be interfering with their dynamic and she can make it won’t better without you (again it is impossible to manage a child if they want to run crying to their mom because they want to be with them, and you indulge, 3 yo will always aim to be reunited with mom).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi op, it is very hard to handle someone else’s child when they are around. A child will cry to get their mom back. Sometimes in a heart breaking way. And then 5 min after you are out of the door they are perfectly happy again. But if they know you are right outside the door they will keep crying.

So I can understand why your mom would say it doesn’t work for her.

On her parenting choices. I may be on the stern side. I am loving but tantrums get calmly ignored. I have found that’s what works best. I do pick up kids and reassure though. I find some of my SILs complete pushover on that front and fast forward a few years my kids don’t blackmail me with tantrums and their kids do. We all have happy and loving relationships with our kids and we are all very close to them.

But maybe your mom is indeed traumatizing to your daughter, I can’t judge. How was she as a mom to you? Do you have terrible memories ? If not and it is really parenting styles and not child abuse. Then you need to drop it and not micromanage. You would be interfering with their dynamic and she can make it won’t better without you (again it is impossible to manage a child if they want to run crying to their mom because they want to be with them, and you indulge, 3 yo will always aim to be reunited with mom).

Sorry lost of typos and autocorrect, typing on phone in middle of insomnia 😅

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is 3. My mom offered to babysit during the shutdown while I work from home. I am single. My mom is much more strict than I am, although I’m no pushover. My mom has what she thinks is a stern voice/face that she uses for discipline but really it’s an angry/disapproving/judgemental voice and face. I hate when she uses it on my daughter and have asked her not to. She also disciplines by ignoring my daughter and/or making a big show of how she’s ignoring her, including when my daughter is crying for a completely appropriate reason (like she woke up from nap and was startled to find me not home and so started crying). So I’ve asked my mom to just not discipline. I thought it was working ok but my mom told me tonight it’s not working for her and she wants me out of the house while she takes care of DD because she thinks it will be easier for her. DD does whine for me during the day, so I can see why my mom thinks that, but DD will cry and throw a tantrum when I leave in the morning, and I don’t trust my mom to handle it well. But I need the childcare. My mom promises she will do things “my way” with DD “even though you are ruining her for the rest of her life and you will have to reap what you sew.”

I know I have to make this decision but I guess I’m hoping something DCUM says in response will help me figure out what I want to do here. Thoughts?

You're getting free childcare so shut up. This is what happens when you choose to have a child without a committed partner.

Don’t be so judgmental!! OP came here for advice and kindness. You sound even worse than her Mother.! Be kind, everyone os going through a difficult time right now. Instead of criticizing, offer a solution or do not comment.

[Anonymous]

Healthy adults don’t put their lives on hold leaving their home, their friends, their property, their routines for an indefinite period of time no matter how muchthey like you. A week, yes, two weeks, yes, but not for an open-ended period of time. Your mom is not a healthy individual.

As for you, healthy adults don’t say “look after my kid, but do not discipline that child”.

From what you describe, your mom sounds like a cruel woman, or at best mentally ill, see my point above re adults putting their lives on hold.


Your mom’s wanting you to leave the house while you work is also odd, where exactly is she expecting you to go? I had to read the date on your op because based on that comment alone, I thought maybe you’d posted it back in January. That comment alone would make me wonder about your mom’s situational awareness.

Based on your instructions to your mom, I wonder about you too.

If you are deriving any pleasure or comfort from your mom and she wants to stay, have her stay. Give your kid an ipad and let her hang out with you while you work.

Taking care of other people’s kids is way harder then taking care of your own. Older people remember a world that was very different from our world. My mom clearly remembers calling an ambulance (not 911, a 7-digit number) to take me to the hospital when I was a baby. She said you had a list of numbers written down by the phone, hoped like hell you didn’t need it, and when you did, hope that someone hadn’t torn off the sheet of paper, thrown it away or smeared the number.

My mom was an e.m.t, and is comfortable around medical “stuff” and I am now a healthy adult. Despite all this, that day 40 years ago still scares her on a very deep level. We live an in environment with a lot of room for error that previous generations, even one generation distant simply didn’t have.

Think about how your mom behaves when she’s not expected to do childcare and decide from there what you’d like to do. Just because she’s doing you a favor and/or providing free childcare doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated poorly. That’s true of all of us.

[Anonymous]

What is your work situation? Do you have any flexibility or do you have to be at a desk for specific hours? If the latter, which hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Healthy adults don’t put their lives on hold leaving their home, their friends, their property, their routines for an indefinite period of time no matter how muchthey like you. A week, yes, two weeks, yes, but not for an open-ended period of time. Your mom is not a healthy individual.

As for you, healthy adults don’t say “look after my kid, but do not discipline that child”.

From what you describe, your mom sounds like a cruel woman, or at best mentally ill, see my point above re adults putting their lives on hold.


Your mom’s wanting you to leave the house while you work is also odd, where exactly is she expecting you to go? I had to read the date on your op because based on that comment alone, I thought maybe you’d posted it back in January. That comment alone would make me wonder about your mom’s situational awareness.

Based on your instructions to your mom, I wonder about you too.

If you are deriving any pleasure or comfort from your mom and she wants to stay, have her stay. Give your kid an ipad and let her hang out with you while you work.

Taking care of other people’s kids is way harder then taking care of your own. Older people remember a world that was very different from our world. My mom clearly remembers calling an ambulance (not 911, a 7-digit number) to take me to the hospital when I was a baby. She said you had a list of numbers written down by the phone, hoped like hell you didn’t need it, and when you did, hope that someone hadn’t torn off the sheet of paper, thrown it away or smeared the number.

My mom was an e.m.t, and is comfortable around medical “stuff” and I am now a healthy adult. Despite all this, that day 40 years ago still scares her on a very deep level. We live an in environment with a lot of room for error that previous generations, even one generation distant simply didn’t have.

Think about how your mom behaves when she’s not expected to do childcare and decide from there what you’d like to do. Just because she’s doing you a favor and/or providing free childcare doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated poorly. That’s true of all of us.

Ha ha, what? OP’s mom is not a healthy individual because she came to help her daughter in a time of need? Then I guess my parents are unhealthy because they did the same!

I swear, some of you must have been raised by wolves. You have so few family values. Actually, wolves are much better than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Healthy adults don’t put their lives on hold leaving their home, their friends, their property, their routines for an indefinite period of time no matter how muchthey like you. A week, yes, two weeks, yes, but not for an open-ended period of time. Your mom is not a healthy individual.

As for you, healthy adults don’t say “look after my kid, but do not discipline that child”.

From what you describe, your mom sounds like a cruel woman, or at best mentally ill, see my point above re adults putting their lives on hold.


Your mom’s wanting you to leave the house while you work is also odd, where exactly is she expecting you to go? I had to read the date on your op because based on that comment alone, I thought maybe you’d posted it back in January. That comment alone would make me wonder about your mom’s situational awareness.

Based on your instructions to your mom, I wonder about you too.

If you are deriving any pleasure or comfort from your mom and she wants to stay, have her stay. Give your kid an ipad and let her hang out with you while you work.

Taking care of other people’s kids is way harder then taking care of your own. Older people remember a world that was very different from our world. My mom clearly remembers calling an ambulance (not 911, a 7-digit number) to take me to the hospital when I was a baby. She said you had a list of numbers written down by the phone, hoped like hell you didn’t need it, and when you did, hope that someone hadn’t torn off the sheet of paper, thrown it away or smeared the number.

My mom was an e.m.t, and is comfortable around medical “stuff” and I am now a healthy adult. Despite all this, that day 40 years ago still scares her on a very deep level. We live an in environment with a lot of room for error that previous generations, even one generation distant simply didn’t have.

Think about how your mom behaves when she’s not expected to do childcare and decide from there what you’d like to do. Just because she’s doing you a favor and/or providing free childcare doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated poorly. That’s true of all of us.

Ha ha, what? OP’s mom is not a healthy individual because she came to help her daughter in a time of need? Then I guess my parents are unhealthy because they did the same!

I swear, some of you must have been raised by wolves. You have so few family values. Actually, wolves are much better than you.

I agree. Even wolf mothers know when and why it is important to discipline their pups - and know it's for their own good and survival. Just about every animal species disciplines their offspring usually with a mild nip, smack or growl. It's only in the last few decades humans starting thinking it wasn't necessary and was abuse. Some decided psychology was more important than biology and thus we have a society where offspring lead the pack, not the other way around.

"We live an in environment with a lot of room for error that previous generations, even one generation distant simply didn’t have." Oh, OK. What a laugh and obviously someone who has absolutely no knowledge of history, not even recent history. And was probably raised in the lap of luxury without ever knowing a day of hunger or whether the roof would still be over their head.

Ever heard of cars with no seatbelts, let alone car seats? How about being drafted and worrying about whether the next step in a rice paddy would be an "error." What about growing up in a country where corruption reigned, gangs ruled and parents could make an "error" and look the wrong way at someone, then disappear without a trace? Leaving your kids to fend for themselves on the streets.