My mom judges my parenting and now she’s babysitting my child

[Anonymous]

My daughter is 3. My mom offered to babysit during the shutdown while I work from home. I am single. My mom is much more strict than I am, although I’m no pushover. My mom has what she thinks is a stern voice/face that she uses for discipline but really it’s an angry/disapproving/judgemental voice and face. I hate when she uses it on my daughter and have asked her not to. She also disciplines by ignoring my daughter and/or making a big show of how she’s ignoring her, including when my daughter is crying for a completely appropriate reason (like she woke up from nap and was startled to find me not home and so started crying). So I’ve asked my mom to just not discipline. I thought it was working ok but my mom told me tonight it’s not working for her and she wants me out of the house while she takes care of DD because she thinks it will be easier for her. DD does whine for me during the day, so I can see why my mom thinks that, but DD will cry and throw a tantrum when I leave in the morning, and I don’t trust my mom to handle it well. But I need the childcare. My mom promises she will do things “my way” with DD “even though you are ruining her for the rest of her life and you will have to reap what you sew.”

I know I have to make this decision but I guess I’m hoping something DCUM says in response will help me figure out what I want to do here. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Do you have any other alternative?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have any other alternative?

Not a good one, or obviously I would be doing that. But if leaving my child with someone whose parenting I don’t completely trust is such a terrible option that I shouldn’t even be considering it, then I guess we figure out plan C?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have any other alternative?

Not a good one, or obviously I would be doing that. But if leaving my child with someone whose parenting I don’t completely trust is such a terrible option that I shouldn’t even be considering it, then I guess we figure out plan C?

Figure out a plan C. Do not leave your child alone with a woman who uses ignore and abandonment as discipline or guidance.


Is this just until daycare reopens, OP?

[Anonymous]

You need to record video of her frowny face and ignoring your daughter and show it to her. Explain that not only is this not developmentally appropriate for a 3 year old, but it's also rude to treat people like this at any age. Tell her she's using cruel, outdated methods.

Get her a book on parenting a toddler/preschooler: I don't have recommendations, but hopefully others will post something short and clear, that your mother can read quickly.

[Anonymous]

For God’s sake, OP, it’s not about her judging you, it’s about her hurting your poor little girl! You don’t ignore a child when she’s crying for a valid reason (and you should have told your daughter you wouldn’t be there when she woke up!)

Find another way. Maybe a nanny share with a coworker until daycare reopens.

Under no circumstance leave your mother with your child alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to record video of her frowny face and ignoring your daughter and show it to her. Explain that not only is this not developmentally appropriate for a 3 year old, but it's also rude to treat people like this at any age. Tell her she's using cruel, outdated methods.

Get her a book on parenting a toddler/preschooler: I don't have recommendations, but hopefully others will post something short and clear, that your mother can read quickly.

This is OP. I have gotten her books and sent her websites but she won’t read them.

Yes, this is just until daycare opens.

We are staying at her house. Maybe we go home and...what? I can’t work and take care of a three year old. I can’t afford a nanny and no one wants a nanny share right now. This just feels hopeless.

[Anonymous]

You would be a terrible mom to leave your kid with her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I have gotten her books and sent her websites but she won’t read them.

What books and topics have you tried? How does the conversation go when you try? Is she rigid in other areas of her life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would be a terrible mom to leave your kid with her

She wouldn’t be a terrible mom, she would be a desperate one. If this is the best she can do right now, then let’s help her improve the situation.

OP, would your mother allow you to set up cameras so you can monitor? While it is completely appropriate for you to set the boundaries on punishment and main strategies for managing, ultimately its your mother’s responsibility to define her relationship with her granddaughter. You can’t micromanage her parenting style. Your daughter will be fine, even if things aren’t optimal. Kids learn that there are different rules with different adults. She’ll manage.

[Anonymous]

You’re working from home, so when you hear your daughter crying, swoop in and reassure her. You’re not going to convince your mom to change, but you can be there when she’s going against your parenting beliefs.
I wouldn’t try to convince your mom to change, just silently intervene when thinks are going poorly. And when you have time for a break, just go to give your daughter a hug.
I also have a strict mom who has been babysitting twice a week.

[Anonymous]

I feel badly for you and your daughter, heck I feel badly for your mother because she appears to be something of a stubborn dunce in this regard. She seems to have no idea how she's basically ruining her relationship with her granddaughter, to say nothing of her relationship with you.

However, it seems to me that it is also possible in almost any daycare situation that the caregiver uses these same stupid techniques, how would most people know? Typically parents aren't there when daycare staff are actually working with the kids. Not a good answer, I know, but that's what struck me about the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to record video of her frowny face and ignoring your daughter and show it to her. Explain that not only is this not developmentally appropriate for a 3 year old, but it's also rude to treat people like this at any age. Tell her she's using cruel, outdated methods.

Get her a book on parenting a toddler/preschooler: I don't have recommendations, but hopefully others will post something short and clear, that your mother can read quickly.

This is OP. I have gotten her books and sent her websites but she won’t read them.

Yes, this is just until daycare opens.

We are staying at her house. Maybe we go home and...what? I can’t work and take care of a three year old. I can’t afford a nanny and no one wants a nanny share right now. This just feels hopeless.

PP you replied to. I understand. She doesn't sincerely believe her way is bad, so she's not going to make the effort on her own. I would block off a weekend day to teach her how to parent. Announce it the day before. The day of, narrate what you're doing and why (along with bloopers, because you're not perfect). It would help if you read some books yourself to bolster your confidence and verbalize the right key words.

If you don't have another option than to use your mother for childcare, then you're just going to have to repeat the main positive parenting concepts and narrate your parenting to her, day after day after day. It's a question of who has the greater willpower, and it works on most types of disagreements. I'm great at it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to record video of her frowny face and ignoring your daughter and show it to her. Explain that not only is this not developmentally appropriate for a 3 year old, but it's also rude to treat people like this at any age. Tell her she's using cruel, outdated methods.

Get her a book on parenting a toddler/preschooler: I don't have recommendations, but hopefully others will post something short and clear, that your mother can read quickly.

This is OP. I have gotten her books and sent her websites but she won’t read them.

Yes, this is just until daycare opens.

We are staying at her house. Maybe we go home and...what? I can’t work and take care of a three year old. I can’t afford a nanny and no one wants a nanny share right now. This just feels hopeless.

Is her father in the picture? You need to leave the nest and figure something out. No way would I leave the house and have this woman alone with my child

[Anonymous]

Talk to your dd about grandma, and explain that she’s very strict and old fashioned, but you need her help for a while until she can go back to school. Continue to ask your mom to adopt more modern approaches but don’t be surprised if she won’t/can’t. Keep hanging around to make sure you have an ear/eye on things. See if you can get her to read ‘how to talk so toddlers will listen.’

You are doing the best you can under very tough circumstances like all of us. Your mom’s influence will be far outweighed by yours. Be honest and open with your daughter about not liking grandma’s approach and wishing things were different and spend some special time with just you and her at the end of the day so she can vent.