My mom judges my parenting and now she’s babysitting my child

[Anonymous]

She's doing you a favor. You are in no position to be critical. Btw, I bet you knew her faults when you decided you needed her help.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter will be fine. This is a blip in her life and your parenting is going to be what really shapes her.

[Anonymous]

Your mother can not watch your THREE YEAR OLD without disciplining her. Keep in mind that to discipline means to teach. It doesn't mean to punish.

It might be more effective if instead of you telling your mom "don't give her the silent treatment" to say "Can we please agree that when DD cries, you address the issue she's crying about but not the fact that she's crying?"

So that would look like "You were scared when you woke up because you forgot Mommy would be at work and I'd be here? That would scare me too if I were three."

[Anonymous]

Just keep doing what you’re doing and stay at home with your mother and your daughter. Don’t leave your daughter alone with her. Daycare will reopen soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother can not watch your THREE YEAR OLD without disciplining her. Keep in mind that to discipline means to teach. It doesn't mean to punish.

It might be more effective if instead of you telling your mom "don't give her the silent treatment" to say "Can we please agree that when DD cries, you address the issue she's crying about but not the fact that she's crying?"

So that would look like "You were scared when you woke up because you forgot Mommy would be at work and I'd be here? That would scare me too if I were three."

+1 Pick your battles. The one PP highlights seems like a good one to focus on.
Keep in mind that your mom’s discipline methods (especially certain tones of voice and facial expressions) probably seem extra grating to you because you remember them from when you were a kid being disciplined. I know there are things my mom does with my kids that are maybe not quite the most modern methods but aren’t egregiously bad either but just watching them makes me feel like I’m a five year old getting in trouble again, so they get my hackles up.

If your mom’s methods are something you think is abusive, then you should not have her babysit (and also you should never let her see your child again). If they are not your preference but not abusive, then work on a few key areas and let the rest go (since it sounds like the alternative is losing your job).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother can not watch your THREE YEAR OLD without disciplining her. Keep in mind that to discipline means to teach. It doesn't mean to punish.

It might be more effective if instead of you telling your mom "don't give her the silent treatment" to say "Can we please agree that when DD cries, you address the issue she's crying about but not the fact that she's crying?"

So that would look like "You were scared when you woke up because you forgot Mommy would be at work and I'd be here? That would scare me too if I were three."

+100

[Anonymous]

You both sound extreme. But I think you just make do. What choice do you have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's doing you a favor. You are in no position to be critical. Btw, I bet you knew her faults when you decided you needed her help.

This. If you don't like the way your mother interacts with your daughter, then don't let her watch her anymore. Figure out alternatives for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to record video of her frowny face and ignoring your daughter and show it to her. Explain that not only is this not developmentally appropriate for a 3 year old, but it's also rude to treat people like this at any age. Tell her she's using cruel, outdated methods.

Get her a book on parenting a toddler/preschooler: I don't have recommendations, but hopefully others will post something short and clear, that your mother can read quickly.

Agree with recording a video and playing it back to her. She’ll realize her facial expression and tone of voice are much sharper than she thought.

Don’t bother with the book though. You need to educate her yourself. Focus on a few key things and talk through them calmly with her at night after DD has gone to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is 3. My mom offered to babysit during the shutdown while I work from home. I am single. My mom is much more strict than I am, although I’m no pushover. My mom has what she thinks is a stern voice/face that she uses for discipline but really it’s an angry/disapproving/judgemental voice and face. I hate when she uses it on my daughter and have asked her not to. She also disciplines by ignoring my daughter and/or making a big show of how she’s ignoring her, including when my daughter is crying for a completely appropriate reason (like she woke up from nap and was startled to find me not home and so started crying). So I’ve asked my mom to just not discipline. I thought it was working ok but my mom told me tonight it’s not working for her and she wants me out of the house while she takes care of DD because she thinks it will be easier for her. DD does whine for me during the day, so I can see why my mom thinks that, but DD will cry and throw a tantrum when I leave in the morning, and I don’t trust my mom to handle it well. But I need the childcare. My mom promises she will do things “my way” with DD “even though you are ruining her for the rest of her life and you will have to reap what you sew.”

I know I have to make this decision but I guess I’m hoping something DCUM says in response will help me figure out what I want to do here. Thoughts?

You're getting free childcare so shut up. This is what happens when you choose to have a child without a committed partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to record video of her frowny face and ignoring your daughter and show it to her. Explain that not only is this not developmentally appropriate for a 3 year old, but it's also rude to treat people like this at any age. Tell her she's using cruel, outdated methods.

Get her a book on parenting a toddler/preschooler: I don't have recommendations, but hopefully others will post something short and clear, that your mother can read quickly.

Actually ignoring a child is a valid training method. The thought is children need to learn the world does not revolve around them.
I didn’t use that method, but it’s not like she’s beating the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother can not watch your THREE YEAR OLD without disciplining her. Keep in mind that to discipline means to teach. It doesn't mean to punish.

It might be more effective if instead of you telling your mom "don't give her the silent treatment" to say "Can we please agree that when DD cries, you address the issue she's crying about but not the fact that she's crying?"

So that would look like "You were scared when you woke up because you forgot Mommy would be at work and I'd be here? That would scare me too if I were three."

+1 Pick your battles. The one PP highlights seems like a good one to focus on.
Keep in mind that your mom’s discipline methods (especially certain tones of voice and facial expressions) probably seem extra grating to you because you remember them from when you were a kid being disciplined. I know there are things my mom does with my kids that are maybe not quite the most modern methods but aren’t egregiously bad either but just watching them makes me feel like I’m a five year old getting in trouble again, so they get my hackles up.

If your mom’s methods are something you think is abusive, then you should not have her babysit (and also you should never let her see your child again). If they are not your preference but not abusive, then work on a few key areas and let the rest go (since it sounds like the alternative is losing your job).

Completely agree.
Now is not the time to nit-pick someone who is doing you a favor.

[Anonymous]

You need to pick your battles and this isn't one of them. No she doesn't parent the same way as you - you just have to deal with that.

Your child can handle a frowning face or tantrums being ignored. Those aren't going to damage her. You have no idea what face her daycare worker makes when she is misbehaving.

You aren't able to parent your child during work hours hours. Like everyone who needs childcare for work, you have to let other people parent their way - you can't micromanage their every interaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to pick your battles and this isn't one of them. No she doesn't parent the same way as you - you just have to deal with that.

Your child can handle a frowning face or tantrums being ignored. Those aren't going to damage her. You have no idea what face her daycare worker makes when she is misbehaving.

You aren't able to parent your child during work hours hours. Like everyone who needs childcare for work, you have to let other people parent their way - you can't micromanage their every interaction.

These were a lot of my thoughts as I read this. So your mom has a different style than you do and, for the sake of argument, let's just say that your style is better. Your mom isn't abusing or neglecting the kid, she's just making less than optimal parenting choices. Look on the bright side, your child is probably getting much more individual attention with your mom than she would at daycare and (probably) healthier meals. Maybe some negatives but certainly some positives too and I'm sure they do have some fun times together too. I think you also have to recognize that your mom is doing you a favor here, that's gotta entitle her to a little slack I think. Good luck, we're all going to make it through this.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there. You have no choice right now. Soon the daycare will reopen. It sounds like your mother is resentful of having to help you out. I would try to explain to your daughter about your mother’s strictness. Most children understand that there are different rules for different houses. Have a special time everyday when you get home. Maybe, have a special treat or do something she loves to do, like cooking or a craft or having a silly picnic in the living room for supper. When things get back to normal and daycare opens, try to find an alternative for childcare. Actively look around for a friend who could help you. Maybe ask one of the other daycare Moms if you could work something out together. Have a plan in place because there is a possibility that we will have another surge of the virus in the Fall and Winter and you will want to be prepared to have someone other than your Mom take care of your child. Best of luck to you.