Talk to me about your 15 year marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is at year 14 and it's as bad as it's ever been. Wife resents me for reasons that aren't fair, sex life is gone completely. She is unhappy, end of story, but also recognizes she has it all on paper. So we will probably divorce but no one wants to break up the family. We co-parent peacefully and for now it's fine but not sustainable.

From the outside, people would assume we are that fun, loving couple. It's all a sham.

We were super happy for years and years, until she wasn't and we weren't.

Inform your sexless wife the marriage is open, then make plans (without her) friday night. Join a co-ed volleyball team and go out afterwards for drinks. Accept that DW wants to be your roommate, not your lover. Like you said that is not sustainable for you (a normal man with normal sexual needs). She is probably fine going decades without sex, which means it is entirely on you to fix this. So the only way to avoid "breaking up the family" is for you to go meet your needs elsewhere. Otherwise, 100% certain divorce, and you know I am right.

[Anonymous]

We are at the 18 year mark and while there have been plenty of stresses with two careers and three children it has never caused any real strain on our relationship. We are both pretty low maintenance people and rarely do we let little things bother us. My husband is very helpful around the house and he's always been a devoted father which really helps. We have a great sex life and I love that he always asks what would I like to do sexually because on any given day it will be different. He's always been like this which is one of the reasons I married him.

[Anonymous]

16 years here, together for 20. It sucks right now. In the last 4 years, we've had a child (very high needs), moved to a city I hate, had to struggle through 2 years of doctors appointments and PT to address birth injuries, depression to varying degrees for both of us, major eye surgery for DH, and just lots and lots of resentment on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like what the article said about loyalty, and basically getting a Ph.D. In your spouse's body in terms of truly learning what they want and respond to sexually and then giving it it. Until the end. I agree completely.

The only part I didn't love was about whining to your MIL not your mom. I don't do that to either woman. As a mom of sons, I frankly don't want to hear complaints from my DILs - and I don't want to disrespect my MIL that way either.

[Anonymous]

Married 14 years, two kids in elementary, doing pretty well, regular sex. We probably don't spend as much time together as we should, but I have friends for doing things with. I'm overall pretty happy, but I never had high expectations. DH's only complaint is that I'm tired "all the time" (read: at night, when I'm too tired to talk or watch TV together).

I guess I do sometimes worry that we don't have a lot in common, and if sex stops being a thing, and kids grow up and move out, we'll need to find other things to keep us connected, but I plan on being proactive about that when the time comes, if we're still together by then. (I put it like this because I never take anything for granted.)

[Anonymous]

The best time for us was at 15 years. DH and I were in our 40s. I quit to become SAHM of school age kids and it was fun. Lots of outsourcing. Our finances were great after years of frugal living, HHI was high, pension and college on track. Sexually, my libido was off the charts and DH and I connected in ways that was beyond anything of our youth or when kids were little. More than that a lot of gratefulness and appreciation came for what we had. We saw marriages implode and kids and teens get into all kinds of things that was just heartbreak for the parents.

To sum it all - Family, Finances and Sex was the best ever and has remained good.

The only thing now that is a cause of concern personally is aging, taking care of aging parents, getting kids launched and settled.

[Anonymous]

15 years is often a difficult period because you are in your 40’s which is midlife crisis time. Who am I, where am I, I've got crows feet and my boobs are sagging and no one checks me out anymore. It can be very depressing but on the other hand many people would be happy with your life. I went through that ten years ago and I just decided that that my life was half empty and I needed fill it with new things such as hobbies. This allowed me to make some new friends and life just began to get incrementally better. My relationship with my husband was never an issue but as I got happier everything got better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you might like this article:

http://lydianetzer.blogspot.com/2012/04/15-ways-to-stay-married-for-15-years.html

+ 1

If you are not facing abuse, adultery, mental illness and addiction and you like each other - these are maintenance tweaks for harmony. I have been married 20 years now. We have always had a great sexual relationship. Frequent and good sex is absolutely essential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like what the article said about loyalty, and basically getting a Ph.D. In your spouse's body in terms of truly learning what they want and respond to sexually and then giving it it. Until the end. I agree completely.

The only part I didn't love was about whining to your MIL not your mom. I don't do that to either woman. As a mom of sons, I frankly don't want to hear complaints from my DILs - and I don't want to disrespect my MIL that way either.

I think the advice is that IF you have to whine then you are better off whining to your MIL than your own mom. Remember, WHINE. Not berating, blaming and yelling at your MIL.

I absolutely think that you will be more tempered when whining to your MIL. You are more apt to be more belligerent and blame the DH more if you are complaining to your own mom.

In an ideal situation, you complain to none. MIL is great about listening to the usual "man stuff" my DH pulls...multiple coffee cups littered over the house, using my knives as tools in his workshop, letting my plants die due to overwatering or forgetting to water them when I am away...These are not big things but small annoyances that is best given to MIL.

[Anonymous]

Sixteen years and counting. Whenever I feel we are in a funk I look around and see we are in a good place relative to so many others. Some of our friends have divorced or have money problems or some kind of addiction and we have none of those. It certainly doesn’t hurt that we both have pretty active libidos and we are both open to trying new things like sex toys which ten years ago I wouldn’t have considered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is at year 14 and it's as bad as it's ever been. Wife resents me for reasons that aren't fair, sex life is gone completely. She is unhappy, end of story, but also recognizes she has it all on paper. So we will probably divorce but no one wants to break up the family. We co-parent peacefully and for now it's fine but not sustainable.

From the outside, people would assume we are that fun, loving couple. It's all a sham.

We were super happy for years and years, until she wasn't and we weren't.

Inform your sexless wife the marriage is open, then make plans (without her) friday night. Join a co-ed volleyball team and go out afterwards for drinks. Accept that DW wants to be your roommate, not your lover. Like you said that is not sustainable for you (a normal man with normal sexual needs). She is probably fine going decades without sex, which means it is entirely on you to fix this. So the only way to avoid "breaking up the family" is for you to go meet your needs elsewhere. Otherwise, 100% certain divorce, and you know I am right.

I see you post here all the time and let me give you real world insight into this: Yes you are right but no its not that simple. I would have zero problem having an affair but it just throws a stick of dynamite into a roaring fire. The marital house is on fire and you are advocating something that will bring in the bulldozer. Sure, if after all efforts we can't get this back running and she really shows no interest in sex, I will divorce or affair, but your solution isn't so easy as you make it sound.

Plus, if you have ever had an affair, which you haven't, you would know there is a real woman on the other side of this, who has her own needs and feelings. I am sure they exist, but most female APs don't want to be pumped and dumped. They want some connection too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is at year 14 and it's as bad as it's ever been. Wife resents me for reasons that aren't fair, sex life is gone completely. She is unhappy, end of story, but also recognizes she has it all on paper. So we will probably divorce but no one wants to break up the family. We co-parent peacefully and for now it's fine but not sustainable.

From the outside, people would assume we are that fun, loving couple. It's all a sham.

We were super happy for years and years, until she wasn't and we weren't.

Inform your sexless wife the marriage is open, then make plans (without her) friday night. Join a co-ed volleyball team and go out afterwards for drinks. Accept that DW wants to be your roommate, not your lover. Like you said that is not sustainable for you (a normal man with normal sexual needs). She is probably fine going decades without sex, which means it is entirely on you to fix this. So the only way to avoid "breaking up the family" is for you to go meet your needs elsewhere. Otherwise, 100% certain divorce, and you know I am right.

You again? Dude, we all know you're just taking to yourself. You don't have the balls to declare your own marriage open so you post it everywhere else. It was that simple, then even a poor loser like you would do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you might like this article:

http://lydianetzer.blogspot.com/2012/04/15-ways-to-stay-married-for-15-years.html

+ 1

If you are not facing abuse, adultery, mental illness and addiction and you like each other - these are maintenance tweaks for harmony. I have been married 20 years now. We have always had a great sexual relationship. Frequent and good sex is absolutely essential.

Ok sure but let’s not pretend abuse, addiction, infidelity or mental illness are these edge cases. I can EASILY think of 10 married families (elementary/middle kids, all about 10-20 yrs into marriage) in our neighborhood where there are clear substance abuse, mental health and/or infidelity issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you might like this article:

http://lydianetzer.blogspot.com/2012/04/15-ways-to-stay-married-for-15-years.html

+ 1

If you are not facing abuse, adultery, mental illness and addiction and you like each other - these are maintenance tweaks for harmony. I have been married 20 years now. We have always had a great sexual relationship. Frequent and good sex is absolutely essential.

Totally agree but frequency is defined by a number that meets both partners' needs. Unfortunately, my needs are much more frequent than DW's. She seems to be fine with never while I'm pushing for at least weekly. She wins so after 16 years, its a sexless marriage. And no, I will not declare the marriage open, but I really need to figure out what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is at year 14 and it's as bad as it's ever been. Wife resents me for reasons that aren't fair, sex life is gone completely. She is unhappy, end of story, but also recognizes she has it all on paper. So we will probably divorce but no one wants to break up the family. We co-parent peacefully and for now it's fine but not sustainable.
From the outside, people would assume we are that fun, loving couple. It's all a sham.

We were super happy for years and years, until she wasn't and we weren't.

Inform your sexless wife the marriage is open, then make plans (without her) friday night. Join a co-ed volleyball team and go out afterwards for drinks. Accept that DW wants to be your roommate, not your lover. Like you said that is not sustainable for you (a normal man with normal sexual needs). She is probably fine going decades without sex, which means it is entirely on you to fix this. So the only way to avoid "breaking up the family" is for you to go meet your needs elsewhere. Otherwise, 100% certain divorce, and you know I am right.

I see you post here all the time and let me give you real world insight into this: Yes you are right but no its not that simple. I would have zero problem having an affair but it just throws a stick of dynamite into a roaring fire. The marital house is on fire and you are advocating something that will bring in the bulldozer. Sure, if after all efforts we can't get this back running and she really shows no interest in sex, I will divorce or affair, but your solution isn't so easy as you make it sound.

Plus, if you have ever had an affair, which you haven't, you would know there is a real woman on the other side of this, who has her own needs and feelings. I am sure they exist, but most female APs don't want to be pumped and dumped. They want some connection too.

I post all the time because miserable guys like you post all the time and I try to help a brother out. You start by acknowledging I’m right, then you veer off into pointless excuses for not doing the right thing. Yes it IS that easy: just a 20 second conversation is all it takes. Your marriage is already destroyed. And it will fall down in short order all on it’s own. The open marriage solution is the only way to keep the roof from caving in, so you have this all backwards. Why would she care that you have plans Friday nite? Sex is not important to her. She can’t have it both ways.

Plenty of women are down for a sexual relationship with married men. Not sure why you view consensual sex as “pump and dump” because that is an unhealthy perspective.