Talk to me about your 15 year marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is at year 14 and it's as bad as it's ever been. Wife resents me for reasons that aren't fair, sex life is gone completely. She is unhappy, end of story, but also recognizes she has it all on paper. So we will probably divorce but no one wants to break up the family. We co-parent peacefully and for now it's fine but not sustainable.
From the outside, people would assume we are that fun, loving couple. It's all a sham.

We were super happy for years and years, until she wasn't and we weren't.

Inform your sexless wife the marriage is open, then make plans (without her) friday night. Join a co-ed volleyball team and go out afterwards for drinks. Accept that DW wants to be your roommate, not your lover. Like you said that is not sustainable for you (a normal man with normal sexual needs). She is probably fine going decades without sex, which means it is entirely on you to fix this. So the only way to avoid "breaking up the family" is for you to go meet your needs elsewhere. Otherwise, 100% certain divorce, and you know I am right.

I see you post here all the time and let me give you real world insight into this: Yes you are right but no its not that simple. I would have zero problem having an affair but it just throws a stick of dynamite into a roaring fire. The marital house is on fire and you are advocating something that will bring in the bulldozer. Sure, if after all efforts we can't get this back running and she really shows no interest in sex, I will divorce or affair, but your solution isn't so easy as you make it sound.

Plus, if you have ever had an affair, which you haven't, you would know there is a real woman on the other side of this, who has her own needs and feelings. I am sure they exist, but most female APs don't want to be pumped and dumped. They want some connection too.

I post all the time because miserable guys like you post all the time and I try to help a brother out. You start by acknowledging I’m right, then you veer off into pointless excuses for not doing the right thing. Yes it IS that easy: just a 20 second conversation is all it takes. Your marriage is already destroyed. And it will fall down in short order all on it’s own. The open marriage solution is the only way to keep the roof from caving in, so you have this all backwards. Why would she care that you have plans Friday nite? Sex is not important to her. She can’t have it both ways.

Plenty of women are down for a sexual relationship with married men. Not sure why you view consensual sex as “pump and dump” because that is an unhealthy perspective.

As illogical as it may seem, women who lose desire for sex with their husbands don't suddenly see sex as unimportant. They know it's important and aren't having it usually from boredom or resentment or both but they have no desire to see their husbands having great sex with another woman for a million reasons from insecurity to financial.

Many women, my wife included would be far more understanding if that's the word if I cheated discreetly and didn't get caught then if I declared my marriage open and threw it in her face. Women aren't dump, they know if there is no sex going on at home it's probably happening elsewhere (and could be happening elsewhere even if it is)

And unless you have had an affair, which I have had two of, you really don't know women and how they generally expect these things to go. It's not so simple as to go out for an hour on Friday night, have wild sex and never see or hear from each other until the next romp. It's possible but rare.

The pushback you are getting isn't because you advocate for affairs. Most sane people know sexless marriages are basically going to end in affairs or divorce, and don't fault someone for cheating. It's because your advice is to rub the wife's nose in it and it will all be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is at year 14 and it's as bad as it's ever been. Wife resents me for reasons that aren't fair, sex life is gone completely. She is unhappy, end of story, but also recognizes she has it all on paper. So we will probably divorce but no one wants to break up the family. We co-parent peacefully and for now it's fine but not sustainable.
From the outside, people would assume we are that fun, loving couple. It's all a sham.

We were super happy for years and years, until she wasn't and we weren't.

Inform your sexless wife the marriage is open, then make plans (without her) friday night. Join a co-ed volleyball team and go out afterwards for drinks. Accept that DW wants to be your roommate, not your lover. Like you said that is not sustainable for you (a normal man with normal sexual needs). She is probably fine going decades without sex, which means it is entirely on you to fix this. So the only way to avoid "breaking up the family" is for you to go meet your needs elsewhere. Otherwise, 100% certain divorce, and you know I am right.

I see you post here all the time and let me give you real world insight into this: Yes you are right but no its not that simple. I would have zero problem having an affair but it just throws a stick of dynamite into a roaring fire. The marital house is on fire and you are advocating something that will bring in the bulldozer. Sure, if after all efforts we can't get this back running and she really shows no interest in sex, I will divorce or affair, but your solution isn't so easy as you make it sound.

Plus, if you have ever had an affair, which you haven't, you would know there is a real woman on the other side of this, who has her own needs and feelings. I am sure they exist, but most female APs don't want to be pumped and dumped. They want some connection too.

I post all the time because miserable guys like you post all the time and I try to help a brother out. You start by acknowledging I’m right, then you veer off into pointless excuses for not doing the right thing. Yes it IS that easy: just a 20 second conversation is all it takes. Your marriage is already destroyed. And it will fall down in short order all on it’s own. The open marriage solution is the only way to keep the roof from caving in, so you have this all backwards. Why would she care that you have plans Friday nite? Sex is not important to her. She can’t have it both ways.

Plenty of women are down for a sexual relationship with married men. Not sure why you view consensual sex as “pump and dump” because that is an unhealthy perspective.

Guy here: You post all the time because you are frustrated and wish you could declare your own marriage open. If you've got it all figured out, then why are you still trolling around on this board. It's ok if you're just another one of the miserable guys. Guys that go around having sex outside of their marriage aren't usually the type to anonymously "help a brother out".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you might like this article:

http://lydianetzer.blogspot.com/2012/04/15-ways-to-stay-married-for-15-years.html

+ 1

If you are not facing abuse, adultery, mental illness and addiction and you like each other - these are maintenance tweaks for harmony. I have been married 20 years now. We have always had a great sexual relationship. Frequent and good sex is absolutely essential.

Totally agree but frequency is defined by a number that meets both partners' needs. Unfortunately, my needs are much more frequent than DW's. She seems to be fine with never while I'm pushing for at least weekly. She wins so after 16 years, its a sexless marriage. And no, I will not declare the marriage open, but I really need to figure out what to do.

I’ve given you the 20 second guaranteed fix to your sexless marriage. Declare it open. Otherwise you are doomed to divorce. Take that to the bank, your sexless marriage is swirling the bowl, stop “figuring it out” there is only one solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is at year 14 and it's as bad as it's ever been. Wife resents me for reasons that aren't fair, sex life is gone completely. She is unhappy, end of story, but also recognizes she has it all on paper. So we will probably divorce but no one wants to break up the family. We co-parent peacefully and for now it's fine but not sustainable.
From the outside, people would assume we are that fun, loving couple. It's all a sham.

We were super happy for years and years, until she wasn't and we weren't.

Inform your sexless wife the marriage is open, then make plans (without her) friday night. Join a co-ed volleyball team and go out afterwards for drinks. Accept that DW wants to be your roommate, not your lover. Like you said that is not sustainable for you (a normal man with normal sexual needs). She is probably fine going decades without sex, which means it is entirely on you to fix this. So the only way to avoid "breaking up the family" is for you to go meet your needs elsewhere. Otherwise, 100% certain divorce, and you know I am right.

I see you post here all the time and let me give you real world insight into this: Yes you are right but no its not that simple. I would have zero problem having an affair but it just throws a stick of dynamite into a roaring fire. The marital house is on fire and you are advocating something that will bring in the bulldozer. Sure, if after all efforts we can't get this back running and she really shows no interest in sex, I will divorce or affair, but your solution isn't so easy as you make it sound.

Plus, if you have ever had an affair, which you haven't, you would know there is a real woman on the other side of this, who has her own needs and feelings. I am sure they exist, but most female APs don't want to be pumped and dumped. They want some connection too.

I post all the time because miserable guys like you post all the time and I try to help a brother out. You start by acknowledging I’m right, then you veer off into pointless excuses for not doing the right thing. Yes it IS that easy: just a 20 second conversation is all it takes. Your marriage is already destroyed. And it will fall down in short order all on it’s own. The open marriage solution is the only way to keep the roof from caving in, so you have this all backwards. Why would she care that you have plans Friday nite? Sex is not important to her. She can’t have it both ways.

Plenty of women are down for a sexual relationship with married men. Not sure why you view consensual sex as “pump and dump” because that is an unhealthy perspective.

Guy here: You post all the time because you are frustrated and wish you could declare your own marriage open. If you've got it all figured out, then why are you still trolling around on this board. It's ok if you're just another one of the miserable guys. Guys that go around having sex outside of their marriage aren't usually the type to anonymously "help a brother out".

My own marriage is exact opposite of sexless. And I’m not the least bit miserable. Yes, I am offering you sincere help. That’s the only reason I post.

[Anonymous]

Divorced just a couple weeks of 15th anniversary. Go figure.

[Anonymous]

Just hit the 15 year mark and marriage is completely unraveling. We can put on a good show for kids, friends and family but when no one is around, we basically do our own thing. Sex? Yeah, that doesn't happen more than once a season and I have given up trying.

It's a really tough age, and the sad part is this should be the point where we are soaring. Kids are less needy, we have money, time, should be ramping up intimacy. Instead, my wife rehashes old grievances she has been storing.

It's a real eye opener. At some point you realize marriage isn't an endurance contest. Irony I asked her if she wants to divorce and she said no.

[Anonymous]

Married 32 years as of last week. We are still very much in love in spite of several huge challenges.

At 15 years, life was smooth sailing. We were doing well financially, great sex life, new baby, travel, parties. Life was busy and full.

We really like each other, though. We spent all day on our anniversary just hanging out like were were dating. Slept in a bit, watched a movie in the morning, went out for lunch, then to a museum and a fabulous dinner and another movie. Felt decadent and fun and we got to catch up a bit.

What is so boring and lonely?

[Anonymous]

I can’t remember the 15 year mark it was so long ago but the whole period was so fast moving for us with job changes, relocations, and three young children. But I loved the excitement of all of it definitely helped along by the fact that my husband and I never had a marital bump in the road and we always found time for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just hit the 15 year mark and marriage is completely unraveling. We can put on a good show for kids, friends and family but when no one is around, we basically do our own thing. Sex? Yeah, that doesn't happen more than once a season and I have given up trying.

It's a really tough age, and the sad part is this should be the point where we are soaring. Kids are less needy, we have money, time, should be ramping up intimacy. Instead, my wife rehashes old grievances she has been storing.

It's a real eye opener. At some point you realize marriage isn't an endurance contest. Irony I asked her if she wants to divorce and she said no.

Reject the status quo: a wife without benefits. Let her know the marriage is open. You can remain room mates. Then go have your fun elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just hit the 15 year mark and marriage is completely unraveling. We can put on a good show for kids, friends and family but when no one is around, we basically do our own thing. Sex? Yeah, that doesn't happen more than once a season and I have given up trying.

It's a really tough age, and the sad part is this should be the point where we are soaring. Kids are less needy, we have money, time, should be ramping up intimacy. Instead, my wife rehashes old grievances she has been storing.

It's a real eye opener. At some point you realize marriage isn't an endurance contest. Irony I asked her if she wants to divorce and she said no.

So if she doesn’t want to divorce, do you? If not, have you talked about what you two can do together to make things works? If she has a list of grievances, have you sat down and given her respectful time to say them all, so she feels heard? Has she given you the chance to do the same?

If you want the marriage to work, then you both have to put in the effort. If not, then it’s not a working marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just hit the 15 year mark and marriage is completely unraveling. We can put on a good show for kids, friends and family but when no one is around, we basically do our own thing. Sex? Yeah, that doesn't happen more than once a season and I have given up trying.

It's a really tough age, and the sad part is this should be the point where we are soaring. Kids are less needy, we have money, time, should be ramping up intimacy. Instead, my wife rehashes old grievances she has been storing.

It's a real eye opener. At some point you realize marriage isn't an endurance contest. Irony I asked her if she wants to divorce and she said no.

Reject the status quo: a wife without benefits. Let her know the marriage is open. You can remain room mates. Then go have your fun elsewhere.

Stop making every damn relationship post about you and your d&ck. There is something seriously wrong with you. No wonder your wife wants nothing to do with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just hit the 15 year mark and marriage is completely unraveling. We can put on a good show for kids, friends and family but when no one is around, we basically do our own thing. Sex? Yeah, that doesn't happen more than once a season and I have given up trying.

It's a really tough age, and the sad part is this should be the point where we are soaring. Kids are less needy, we have money, time, should be ramping up intimacy. Instead, my wife rehashes old grievances she has been storing.

It's a real eye opener. At some point you realize marriage isn't an endurance contest. Irony I asked her if she wants to divorce and she said no.

Reject the status quo: a wife without benefits. Let her know the marriage is open. You can remain room mates. Then go have your fun elsewhere.

Stop making every damn relationship post about you and your d&ck. There is something seriously wrong with you. No wonder your wife wants nothing to do with you!

Does my post above sound repetitive? That is because 10 guys per week post the exact same scenario: wife doesn’t want sex while staying married and expecting his fidelity. Nope, sorry. You can’t have that. If you don’t want sex, divorce or accept open marriage. You are not entitled to a faithful husband in a sexless marriage. I will happily stop posting when the PP and others like him stop posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a happy stage for us at year 15. Kids are older (tween and two elementary aged) - they sleep, are more independent, and we can have more fun as a family than we could when they were little, haven't hit teenage drama yet. We have our shared interests in the home/kids/pets but also our separate interests - our own hobbies, our own friends. I think it's important to maintain that admiration and bond with each other, but also to have separate identities.

I literally had to double check that I didnt write this. My DH and I are best friends and the three kids are at the amazing Goldilocks stage of elementary and early tween.

Only differences is 14 years and my DH is tolerant of but not interested in my cats ha ha ha.

We had a day date for Valentine's Day. Had sex twice! Not bad for 45 year olds!

[Anonymous]

We are at the 14 year mark with four children ten and under with the youngest 18 months. We both work FT and I really believe with all the comings and goings and child care that I could organize a military invasion. I’m very organized to begin with which really helps and our master calendar is a thing of beauty. My husband can look at it and see what he is expected to do when and where. Thankfully he is very good with keeping up with it. When it comes to our marriage I’m very happy not to schedule anything and my husband is great about keeping things lively and i’m usually up for anything fun. Is our marriage what I expected it would be? No, because I never envisioned having four kids and two careers but it has worked out very well and my husband has been a wonderful partner in dealing with the mayhem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just hit the 15 year mark and marriage is completely unraveling. We can put on a good show for kids, friends and family but when no one is around, we basically do our own thing. Sex? Yeah, that doesn't happen more than once a season and I have given up trying.

It's a really tough age, and the sad part is this should be the point where we are soaring. Kids are less needy, we have money, time, should be ramping up intimacy. Instead, my wife rehashes old grievances she has been storing.

It's a real eye opener. At some point you realize marriage isn't an endurance contest. Irony I asked her if she wants to divorce and she said no.

Reject the status quo: a wife without benefits. Let her know the marriage is open. You can remain room mates. Then go have your fun elsewhere.

Stop making every damn relationship post about you and your d&ck. There is something seriously wrong with you. No wonder your wife wants nothing to do with you!

Does my post above sound repetitive? That is because 10 guys per week post the exact same scenario: wife doesn’t want sex while staying married and expecting his fidelity. Nope, sorry. You can’t have that. If you don’t want sex, divorce or accept open marriage. You are not entitled to a faithful husband in a sexless marriage. I will happily stop posting when the PP and others like him stop posting.

You aren't entitled to sex pal. No one is. Get yourself a blowup doll.