DH didn’t lift a finger today

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Had a nice party at our house for our daughter’s birthday. Asked DH to take the kids out for lunch so I could get the house ready. He went out and picked up lunch for himself, only bringing our youngest after I made him. Proceeded to eat in the middle of everything as I was getting ready. Party is a success, kids and parents eating, drinking and having a good time. I ask DH to get the piñata and hold it - he proceeds to try to hang it from a tree and I tell him not to. He gives up and I end up asking 2 other parents to hold it instead. I keep the food going. I clean up the party. DH just talks and invites a friend over. I ask him to put the kids to bed afterward because I’m exhausted. It takes me asking multiple times and getting really angry before he does it.

What am I doing wrong? Can our marriage be saved?

Sounds like my wife, who is the laziest thing I've ever had any sort of relationship with.

Weekend:
- sleeps until 10-10:30
- languidly drinks coffee and flips through phone until 12-1
- leaves coffee mug in sink
- does some sort of exercise video (not lazy there!)
- makes herself lunch, leaving dishes in sink and counter grubby
- naps

It would *never* occur to her to tidy up the house, much less pick up after herself. And it would never occur to her that, as a parent, maybe she should do things with our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a nice party at our house for our daughter’s birthday. Asked DH to take the kids out for lunch so I could get the house ready. He went out and picked up lunch for himself, only bringing our youngest after I made him. Proceeded to eat in the middle of everything as I was getting ready. Party is a success, kids and parents eating, drinking and having a good time. I ask DH to get the piñata and hold it - he proceeds to try to hang it from a tree and I tell him not to. He gives up and I end up asking 2 other parents to hold it instead. I keep the food going. I clean up the party. DH just talks and invites a friend over. I ask him to put the kids to bed afterward because I’m exhausted. It takes me asking multiple times and getting really angry before he does it.

What am I doing wrong? Can our marriage be saved?

Sounds like my wife, who is the laziest thing I've ever had any sort of relationship with.

Weekend:
- sleeps until 10-10:30
- languidly drinks coffee and flips through phone until 12-1
- leaves coffee mug in sink
- does some sort of exercise video (not lazy there!)
- makes herself lunch, leaving dishes in sink and counter grubby
- naps

It would *never* occur to her to tidy up the house, much less pick up after herself. And it would never occur to her that, as a parent, maybe she should do things with our kids.

What good is she? Good sex? Brings home good money at least??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Had a nice party at our house for our daughter’s birthday. Asked DH to take the kids out for lunch so I could get the house ready. He went out and picked up lunch for himself, only bringing our youngest after I made him. Proceeded to eat in the middle of everything as I was getting ready. Party is a success, kids and parents eating, drinking and having a good time. I ask DH to get the piñata and hold it - he proceeds to try to hang it from a tree and I tell him not to. He gives up and I end up asking 2 other parents to hold it instead. I keep the food going. I clean up the party. DH just talks and invites a friend over. I ask him to put the kids to bed afterward because I’m exhausted. It takes me asking multiple times and getting really angry before he does it.

What am I doing wrong? Can our marriage be saved?

Op it sounds like you micromanage, and are a bit manic. Tell him to set up the party games. That’s his job. However he does it is not up to you. You seem to have treated him like an incompetent idiot, When in fact asking an adult to hold a piñata is a lawsuit waiting to happen and your dh was doing the right thing. What are you really angry/resentful about? You are a team but he is not a servant. It sounds like you didn’t really enjoy this whole experience. Maybe you were putting on a show for everyone else and making you and dh miserable. Maybe you all would have been better off celebrating the birthday at a restaurant with just the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once one person starts saying “I do all the work and she/he does nothing” that marriage is over. Most selfish statement one can make in a marriage.

NP but sure, the person sitting on their ass being unhelpful is selfless and just, let me guess, tired and/or misunderstood.

I know men who think working is all they need to do. Some magical fairy handles everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a nice party at our house for our daughter’s birthday. Asked DH to take the kids out for lunch so I could get the house ready. He went out and picked up lunch for himself, only bringing our youngest after I made him. Proceeded to eat in the middle of everything as I was getting ready. Party is a success, kids and parents eating, drinking and having a good time. I ask DH to get the piñata and hold it - he proceeds to try to hang it from a tree and I tell him not to. He gives up and I end up asking 2 other parents to hold it instead. I keep the food going. I clean up the party. DH just talks and invites a friend over. I ask him to put the kids to bed afterward because I’m exhausted. It takes me asking multiple times and getting really angry before he does it.

What am I doing wrong? Can our marriage be saved?

Sounds like my wife, who is the laziest thing I've ever had any sort of relationship with.

Weekend:
- sleeps until 10-10:30
- languidly drinks coffee and flips through phone until 12-1
- leaves coffee mug in sink
- does some sort of exercise video (not lazy there!)
- makes herself lunch, leaving dishes in sink and counter grubby
- naps

It would *never* occur to her to tidy up the house, much less pick up after herself. And it would never occur to her that, as a parent, maybe she should do things with our kids.

What good is she? Good sex? Brings home good money at least??

From the above, it does sound like she is keeping herself hot.
So, she's likely got a lot of options... not hard for her to find a more supportive mate for her desired lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Enough with these posts. You knew who you married. Next time hire some people to help for the day.

You beat me to it! My goodness. These people knew who they were marrying! They ignored the nice guys who would be doing the helping because of complicated emotional reasons. I get it. It’s ok. But hold the complaints!

You two are clueless. A man (or woman) can be a helpful, supportive partner who does 50% of the work pre-kids, but then can’t deal with the relentless responsibilities and selflessness required by parenting. I married one of these men. He was absolutely unselfish and a super involved, hands-on father the first few years he was a parent, but by the time our kids were in mid-elementary school and he was in his forties, his midlife crisis started and he was just over being a family man. No one saw this coming. He’s like a totally different person now, to the point that if he hadn’t had an MRI, I would suspect something like a brain tumor. He’s barely around our kids any more.

It’s bullsh!t for you to place any blame on the person who did nothing wrong today.

Nope. Nope. Nope. People always show you who they are. It might be a small thing you don’t notice or brush off in the beginning but they show you who they are. You have to determine if it’s worth it to continue with them. Most of the time people look past it bc at the time it’s so minuscule. People who don’t look past are labeled as too picky, but clearly they are on to something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Enough with these posts. You knew who you married. Next time hire some people to help for the day.

You beat me to it! My goodness. These people knew who they were marrying! They ignored the nice guys who would be doing the helping because of complicated emotional reasons. I get it. It’s ok. But hold the complaints!

You two are clueless. A man (or woman) can be a helpful, supportive partner who does 50% of the work pre-kids, but then can’t deal with the relentless responsibilities and selflessness required by parenting. I married one of these men. He was absolutely unselfish and a super involved, hands-on father the first few years he was a parent, but by the time our kids were in mid-elementary school and he was in his forties, his midlife crisis started and he was just over being a family man. No one saw this coming. He’s like a totally different person now, to the point that if he hadn’t had an MRI, I would suspect something like a brain tumor. He’s barely around our kids any more.

It’s bullsh!t for you to place any blame on the person who did nothing wrong today.

Nope. Nope. Nope. People always show you who they are. It might be a small thing you don’t notice or brush off in the beginning but they show you who they are. You have to determine if it’s worth it to continue with them. Most of the time people look past it bc at the time it’s so minuscule. People who don’t look past are labeled as too picky, but clearly they are on to something.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Enough with these posts. You knew who you married. Next time hire some people to help for the day.

You beat me to it! My goodness. These people knew who they were marrying! They ignored the nice guys who would be doing the helping because of complicated emotional reasons. I get it. It’s ok. But hold the complaints!

You two are clueless. A man (or woman) can be a helpful, supportive partner who does 50% of the work pre-kids, but then can’t deal with the relentless responsibilities and selflessness required by parenting. I married one of these men. He was absolutely unselfish and a super involved, hands-on father the first few years he was a parent, but by the time our kids were in mid-elementary school and he was in his forties, his midlife crisis started and he was just over being a family man. No one saw this coming. He’s like a totally different person now, to the point that if he hadn’t had an MRI, I would suspect something like a brain tumor. He’s barely around our kids any more.

It’s bullsh!t for you to place any blame on the person who did nothing wrong today.

Nope. Nope. Nope. People always show you who they are. It might be a small thing you don’t notice or brush off in the beginning but they show you who they are. You have to determine if it’s worth it to continue with them. Most of the time people look past it bc at the time it’s so minuscule. People who don’t look past are labeled as too picky, but clearly they are on to something.

That’s been your experience. That hasn’t been everyone’s experience. Someone who doesn’t have mental illness now could have it in 10-20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Enough with these posts. You knew who you married. Next time hire some people to help for the day.

You beat me to it! My goodness. These people knew who they were marrying! They ignored the nice guys who would be doing the helping because of complicated emotional reasons. I get it. It’s ok. But hold the complaints!

You two are clueless. A man (or woman) can be a helpful, supportive partner who does 50% of the work pre-kids, but then can’t deal with the relentless responsibilities and selflessness required by parenting. I married one of these men. He was absolutely unselfish and a super involved, hands-on father the first few years he was a parent, but by the time our kids were in mid-elementary school and he was in his forties, his midlife crisis started and he was just over being a family man. No one saw this coming. He’s like a totally different person now, to the point that if he hadn’t had an MRI, I would suspect something like a brain tumor. He’s barely around our kids any more.

It’s bullsh!t for you to place any blame on the person who did nothing wrong today.

Nope. Nope. Nope. People always show you who they are. It might be a small thing you don’t notice or brush off in the beginning but they show you who they are. You have to determine if it’s worth it to continue with them. Most of the time people look past it bc at the time it’s so minuscule. People who don’t look past are labeled as too picky, but clearly they are on to something.

That’s been your experience. That hasn’t been everyone’s experience. Someone who doesn’t have mental illness now could have it in 10-20 years.

The bolded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Enough with these posts. You knew who you married. Next time hire some people to help for the day.

You beat me to it! My goodness. These people knew who they were marrying! They ignored the nice guys who would be doing the helping because of complicated emotional reasons. I get it. It’s ok. But hold the complaints!

You two are clueless. A man (or woman) can be a helpful, supportive partner who does 50% of the work pre-kids, but then can’t deal with the relentless responsibilities and selflessness required by parenting. I married one of these men. He was absolutely unselfish and a super involved, hands-on father the first few years he was a parent, but by the time our kids were in mid-elementary school and he was in his forties, his midlife crisis started and he was just over being a family man. No one saw this coming. He’s like a totally different person now, to the point that if he hadn’t had an MRI, I would suspect something like a brain tumor. He’s barely around our kids any more.

It’s bullsh!t for you to place any blame on the person who did nothing wrong today.

Nope. Nope. Nope. People always show you who they are. It might be a small thing you don’t notice or brush off in the beginning but they show you who they are. You have to determine if it’s worth it to continue with them. Most of the time people look past it bc at the time it’s so minuscule. People who don’t look past are labeled as too picky, but clearly they are on to something.

That’s been your experience. That hasn’t been everyone’s experience. Someone who doesn’t have mental illness now could have it in 10-20 years.

The bolded.

The posters who say, “You knew who you were marrying” or “You brushed off the signs,” tell that to themselves so that so that they can believe it could never happen to them - and it probably won’t, because it’s not that common. But it does happen to other people who are blameless.

[Anonymous]

OP - of course I meant hold the piñata using a rope (with another person). The tree was off to the side of the yard and the piñata was hung on a wire and 2 adults held the ends. I wanted it like that because we had some little kids who need it lower and some older kids who need it higher. Party guests did it so it’s not that I didn’t have help. Party guests also were helping to clean up and supervise kids and other things. So no I didn’t need to hire help. I’m just annoyed that our guests were doing things I thought we as hosts should be doing (and I was) but DH just acted like a guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Enough with these posts. You knew who you married. Next time hire some people to help for the day.

You beat me to it! My goodness. These people knew who they were marrying! They ignored the nice guys who would be doing the helping because of complicated emotional reasons. I get it. It’s ok. But hold the complaints!

You two are clueless. A man (or woman) can be a helpful, supportive partner who does 50% of the work pre-kids, but then can’t deal with the relentless responsibilities and selflessness required by parenting. I married one of these men. He was absolutely unselfish and a super involved, hands-on father the first few years he was a parent, but by the time our kids were in mid-elementary school and he was in his forties, his midlife crisis started and he was just over being a family man. No one saw this coming. He’s like a totally different person now, to the point that if he hadn’t had an MRI, I would suspect something like a brain tumor. He’s barely around our kids any more.

It’s bullsh!t for you to place any blame on the person who did nothing wrong today.

Nope. Nope. Nope. People always show you who they are. It might be a small thing you don’t notice or brush off in the beginning but they show you who they are. You have to determine if it’s worth it to continue with them. Most of the time people look past it bc at the time it’s so minuscule. People who don’t look past are labeled as too picky, but clearly they are on to something.

That’s been your experience. That hasn’t been everyone’s experience. Someone who doesn’t have mental illness now could have it in 10-20 years.

The bolded.

The posters who say, “You knew who you were marrying” or “You brushed off the signs,” tell that to themselves so that so that they can believe it could never happen to them - and it probably won’t, because it’s not that common. But it does happen to other people who are blameless.

Nope. I’m just not blind. I fully believe it could happen. I’ve seen it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once one person starts saying “I do all the work and she/he does nothing” that marriage is over. Most selfish statement one can make in a marriage.

NP but sure, the person sitting on their ass being unhelpful is selfless and just, let me guess, tired and/or misunderstood.

I know men who think working is all they need to do. Some magical fairy handles everything else.

Yeah. Pretty much. I work my ass off to make close to 1MM, DW stays home to exercise and do “projects” while the kids are at school. You’re right, I’m not running errands all weekend. And I’m certainly not going to play the assistant getting told what to do all Saturday to facilitate a “successful party” for a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Hanging the piñata is way more normal than holding it. Wtf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a nice party at our house for our daughter’s birthday. Asked DH to take the kids out for lunch so I could get the house ready. He went out and picked up lunch for himself, only bringing our youngest after I made him. Proceeded to eat in the middle of everything as I was getting ready. Party is a success, kids and parents eating, drinking and having a good time. I ask DH to get the piñata and hold it - he proceeds to try to hang it from a tree and I tell him not to. He gives up and I end up asking 2 other parents to hold it instead. I keep the food going. I clean up the party. DH just talks and invites a friend over. I ask him to put the kids to bed afterward because I’m exhausted. It takes me asking multiple times and getting really angry before he does it.

What am I doing wrong? Can our marriage be saved?

Sounds like my wife, who is the laziest thing I've ever had any sort of relationship with.

Weekend:
- sleeps until 10-10:30
- languidly drinks coffee and flips through phone until 12-1
- leaves coffee mug in sink
- does some sort of exercise video (not lazy there!)
- makes herself lunch, leaving dishes in sink and counter grubby
- naps

It would *never* occur to her to tidy up the house, much less pick up after herself. And it would never occur to her that, as a parent, maybe she should do things with our kids.

Why on earth do you enable this?