Mom insisting on sleepovers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom does this. What happens in she shares all of her life's woes with the kids---and it is not appropriate to dump on them emotionally. not saying kids should be sheltered from life, but they should not be expected to be grandma's therapist.

My mom also treats the kids like very little ones--and they just aren't into those activities anymore. Is it just a sleepover thing, or is your mom just annoying and not a great grandma?

My parents do this to. My daughter is young and very kind, so she often goes along with it because she wants to make them happy.

As the adult, I have to step in and say “Larla’s not allowed to do that” Then my parents harass me instead. My kid looks like a huge weight lifted off her shoulders. Of course I want her to learn to stand up for herself, but it’s a bit much to expect a 6 year old to tell both grandparents “no” when they’re pressuring and overwhelming her with their demands.

She’ll figure it out in time. Until then, I’m perfectly okay with being her shield.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are we sure the OP's mother and the mother with the creepy boyfriend are actually the same person?

No. My understanding is that they are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would take the hit for the kids and tell her that you’ve decided no sleepovers; it’s not up to them. That way she’ll stop trying to bribe them. Separately, I’d be concerned that neither will tell me what me what happened. I’m not saying it was something serious, but I’d be concerned that even at such a young age my kids didn’t feel comfortable telling me stuff.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't they feel comfortable having a sleepover with their own grandmother? How sad is that? Why don't you ask them what's wrong that is making them uncomfortable? It would be a shame if they didn't get the chance to form a strong bond and lasting memories of sleeping over at their grandparents' house IMO.

OP, it hasn't even crossed your mind to ask them why?

Not OP — Sounds, at a minimum, that Grandma is pushy and unconcerned with the children’s preferences. Is that not enough?

Um, no, it's not enough. You don't think it's of any value that these kids have memories of sleepovers at their grandmother's house because she's pushy? Jesus. Talk about delicate flowers.

No value at all if the girls don’t want to spend the night, you psycho. If a child tells you they don’t want to be around another grown up alone...you listen to them. Always. This is parenting 101. What happened to you growing up that’s made you believe children may not advocate for themselves? Goodness.

[Anonymous]

I don't get it. (Maybe because I don't have children this age?) Doesn't there have to be SOMETHING that happened for them to not like going over there? Or some kind of reason? If the kids won't offer ANY reason, isn't that some kind of red flag that it's something they don't want to talk about? And if it's something else like boring activities, bad food, etc., that sounds fixable and like something you could talk about with grandma.

[Anonymous]

I don't get it. (Maybe because I don't have children this age?) Doesn't there have to be SOMETHING that happened for them to not like going over there? Or some kind of reason? If the kids won't offer ANY reason, isn't that some kind of red flag that it's something they don't want to talk about? And if it's something else like boring activities, bad food, etc., that sounds fixable and like something you could talk about with grandma.

Very common that they don't want to sleep over at that age if grandma is pushy.

I have teens now and I noticed that around 7-9 they really did start picking up on which relatives were easy to be around and which ones were needy, pushy crazies or which ones were fine in small doses but any more was uncomfortable. It can be as simply as grandma is very boring, serves yucky food, beds are uncomfortable or whatever. It can be as complicated as grandma is needy and fulfilling her grandkids fantasies and just using them. The simple fix is just no sleep overs and kids go over when the parents go over.

Its telling that grandma does not seem to care at all that the kids are not comfortable or do not want to sleep over. Since grandma wants its, she will keep pushing and manipulating. This is classic self centered behavior. Sounds like grandma thinks she's entitled to sleep overs which she isn't.

My kids adore my MIL and can not stand DH's aunt or my mother. My MIL is pretty chill and simply likes to interact with them. She doesn't force them to do things that she has envisioned. She doesn't dump her emotional baggage or gossip about others to them. When they say no thank you, she respects it as no and doesn't take offense or see it as a personal mission to convince them otherwise. The other two do all these things and frankly no one wants to be around them. Their attitude is that kids don't get a vote so ship them over which we will not give in to.

[Anonymous]

My mom does this. What happens in she shares all of her life's woes with the kids---and it is not appropriate to dump on them emotionally. not saying kids should be sheltered from life, but they should not be expected to be grandma's therapist.

My mom also treats the kids like very little ones--and they just aren't into those activities anymore. Is it just a sleepover thing, or is your mom just annoying and not a great grandma?

Wow I wonder if this is a personality type. I have a relative like this too. She is always insisting on making the kids go to her house to do some activity that is too young for them while at the same time dumping adult things on them. Last family event, she was unloading on my 10 year old how cousin X had taken over the event that she should be running and no one appreciates her. My 10 year just stood there and was relieved when we removed him from the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My mom does this. What happens in she shares all of her life's woes with the kids---and it is not appropriate to dump on them emotionally. not saying kids should be sheltered from life, but they should not be expected to be grandma's therapist.

My mom also treats the kids like very little ones--and they just aren't into those activities anymore. Is it just a sleepover thing, or is your mom just annoying and not a great grandma?

Wow I wonder if this is a personality type. I have a relative like this too. She is always insisting on making the kids go to her house to do some activity that is too young for them while at the same time dumping adult things on them. Last family event, she was unloading on my 10 year old how cousin X had taken over the event that she should be running and no one appreciates her. My 10 year just stood there and was relieved when we removed him from the situation.

I'm the PP. We suspect borderline personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Nobody gets to "insist" on sleepovers. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. (Maybe because I don't have children this age?) Doesn't there have to be SOMETHING that happened for them to not like going over there? Or some kind of reason? If the kids won't offer ANY reason, isn't that some kind of red flag that it's something they don't want to talk about? And if it's something else like boring activities, bad food, etc., that sounds fixable and like something you could talk about with grandma.

+1 - Except I have kids that are now 9 and 13. If there was a 180 like this I would probe pretty hard as to why.

Sadly, my own mother can't turn off being a mom and educator and her nagging of my kids when they are with her does not make them want to spend long periods of time with her. But they told me that (in so many words) so I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't they feel comfortable having a sleepover with their own grandmother? How sad is that? Why don't you ask them what's wrong that is making them uncomfortable? It would be a shame if they didn't get the chance to form a strong bond and lasting memories of sleeping over at their grandparents' house IMO.

OP, it hasn't even crossed your mind to ask them why?

OP clearly did ask. She says, "They (7,9) insist nothing happened, they just aren’t comfortable anymore".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. (Maybe because I don't have children this age?) Doesn't there have to be SOMETHING that happened for them to not like going over there? Or some kind of reason? If the kids won't offer ANY reason, isn't that some kind of red flag that it's something they don't want to talk about? And if it's something else like boring activities, bad food, etc., that sounds fixable and like something you could talk about with grandma.

Here is your reason right there. Grandma wants the kids there to entertain her boyfriend's grandkids.

What are you talking about? I don't have a relationship with him or his family. Nothing has happened. I only see her boyfriend a few times a year when she insists he comes to our parties or holidays (we don't invite him, she just says she's bringing him). He's been appropriate around my kids but doesn't interact with us at all. My mom's priority is him, not her grandkids so its really only an issue a few times a year. The one grandchild has serious mental health issues and is on multiple medications and has been kicked out of several schools. He's also 12 years older and says he is friends with my kids which he is not. Mine has no interest in him. My kids have never met or talked to, nor have we one set of kids and met the older one once and he's been with my Mom a few times and he did nothing wrong but my kids didn't enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. (Maybe because I don't have children this age?) Doesn't there have to be SOMETHING that happened for them to not like going over there? Or some kind of reason? If the kids won't offer ANY reason, isn't that some kind of red flag that it's something they don't want to talk about? And if it's something else like boring activities, bad food, etc., that sounds fixable and like something you could talk about with grandma.

Here is your reason right there. Grandma wants the kids there to entertain her boyfriend's grandkids.

What are you talking about? I don't have a relationship with him or his family. Nothing has happened. I only see her boyfriend a few times a year when she insists he comes to our parties or holidays (we don't invite him, she just says she's bringing him). He's been appropriate around my kids but doesn't interact with us at all. My mom's priority is him, not her grandkids so its really only an issue a few times a year. The one grandchild has serious mental health issues and is on multiple medications and has been kicked out of several schools. He's also 12 years older and says he is friends with my kids which he is not. Mine has no interest in him. My kids have never met or talked to, nor have we one set of kids and met the older one once and he's been with my Mom a few times and he did nothing wrong but my kids didn't enjoy it.

DP. Excellent catch, PP. Especially as OP says her kids insist nothing has happened that was wrong/bad/abusive. Grandma and boyfriend are hoping OP's children keep boyfriend's grandkids busy, especially the older grandchild with issues. It actually is very sad for ALL those kids--OP's kids being used as playmates, the other kids and especially the oldest one being treated as problems to be kept entertained.

[Anonymous]

pushy sleepover people are the worst. sorry it's your mom.

"we are not doing sleepovers."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. (Maybe because I don't have children this age?) Doesn't there have to be SOMETHING that happened for them to not like going over there? Or some kind of reason? If the kids won't offer ANY reason, isn't that some kind of red flag that it's something they don't want to talk about? And if it's something else like boring activities, bad food, etc., that sounds fixable and like something you could talk about with grandma.

+1 - Except I have kids that are now 9 and 13. If there was a 180 like this I would probe pretty hard as to why.

Sadly, my own mother can't turn off being a mom and educator and her nagging of my kids when they are with her does not make them want to spend long periods of time with her. But they told me that (in so many words) so I get it.

My mom is constantly making negative comments about me and about my child to my child so mine doesn't enjoy going. She will compare mine to her boyfriends kids when she has no idea how mine are doing as she never asks. She will say boyfriend's kids get straight A's. My child will say to me, doesn't she know I do too? I tried to tell her but she wouldn't listen.