Mom insisting on sleepovers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Mom, that’s great that you found a Groupon for the water park. Let’s look at our calendars to see a good time for all 4 of us to go.

Grandmother: Okay. Then the girls can spend the night.

OP: No Mom, that’s not happening.

GM: But why? I told the girls that I’d take them to the water park if they spent the night.

OP: You had no business connecting those two activities and saying that to them. We’re all happy to spend time with you at the water park. But the sleepover is not happening. The girls don’t want to, and I’m backing them on this.

Either GM will cancel water park or will go, but will sulk. She’ll live.

This. And I’d first talk with my kids to tell them that grandma asked about going to a water park and that you were calling her to schedule a time for all
four of you to go. And you would make it clear with grandma that they would not be spending the night. I’d then say, “What’s your thinking about that?” And “What questions do you have?”

[Anonymous]

Why don't they feel comfortable having a sleepover with their own grandmother? How sad is that? Why don't you ask them what's wrong that is making them uncomfortable? It would be a shame if they didn't get the chance to form a strong bond and lasting memories of sleeping over at their grandparents' house IMO.

OP, it hasn't even crossed your mind to ask them why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would take the hit for the kids and tell her that you’ve decided no sleepovers; it’s not up to them. That way she’ll stop trying to bribe them. Separately, I’d be concerned that neither will tell me what me what happened. I’m not saying it was something serious, but I’d be concerned that even at such a young age my kids didn’t feel comfortable telling me stuff.

I used to do that but as mine get older I encourage them to say no as its ok to say no. My Mom has her boyfriend there and we don't know him well and I cannot imagine he'd do anything but he's a bit creepy and cold. She will not have the kids alone. Usually she'll only insist on sleep overs when his grandkids are visiting so in that case I call her on it and say no as we don't know him or the kids or their parents and the stuff she has said about one very much concerns me.

I can’t believe you’re this dumb. Talk about burying the lede. Jesus. Something has clearly happened between one of the his grandkids and your kids, or between him and your kids.

You should be ashamed of being this clueless. I pray you’re a troll.

What are you talking about? I don't have a relationship with him or his family. Nothing has happened. I only see her boyfriend a few times a year when she insists he comes to our parties or holidays (we don't invite him, she just says she's bringing him). He's been appropriate around my kids but doesn't interact with us at all. My mom's priority is him, not her grandkids so its really only an issue a few times a year. The one grandchild has serious mental health issues and is on multiple medications and has been kicked out of several schools. He's also 12 years older and says he is friends with my kids which he is not. Mine has no interest in him. My kids have never met or talked to, nor have we one set of kids and met the older one once and he's been with my Mom a few times and he did nothing wrong but my kids didn't enjoy it.

DP: I think the “you should be ashamed poster” thought you meant you used to have the kids spend the night. I read your post to mean that you used to “take the hit” of saying that you decided no rather than having the kids say no themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't they feel comfortable having a sleepover with their own grandmother? How sad is that? Why don't you ask them what's wrong that is making them uncomfortable? It would be a shame if they didn't get the chance to form a strong bond and lasting memories of sleeping over at their grandparents' house IMO.

OP, it hasn't even crossed your mind to ask them why?

Not OP — Sounds, at a minimum, that Grandma is pushy and unconcerned with the children’s preferences. Is that not enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Mom, that’s great that you found a Groupon for the water park. Let’s look at our calendars to see a good time for all 4 of us to go.

Grandmother: Okay. Then the girls can spend the night.

OP: No Mom, that’s not happening.

GM: But why? I told the girls that I’d take them to the water park if they spent the night.

OP: You had no business connecting those two activities and saying that to them. We’re all happy to spend time with you at the water park. But the sleepover is not happening. The girls don’t want to, and I’m backing them on this.

Either GM will cancel water park or will go, but will sulk. She’ll live.

This. And I’d first talk with my kids to tell them that grandma asked about going to a water park and that you were calling her to schedule a time for all
four of you to go. And you would make it clear with grandma that they would not be spending the night. I’d then say, “What’s your thinking about that?” And “What questions do you have?”

New poster. Both these posts above give you an excellent script, OP -- I'd use it. Especially see the sentence I bolded. Grandma is now trying bribery. "Mom, I know you told the girls the water park was contingent on their spending the night. But they don't want to sleep over, and connecting the water park trip to that makes it sound like you were trying to use the park outing to persuade them to spend the night. Either you do want to spend time with them or you don't, and I hope you understand that sleepovers are not happening, so surely you'd like to see them at the park anyway." If she gets huffy, I'd tell her that though you're sure she didn't mean it that way, it's coming across as her trying to buy the girls' yes to a sleepover. Next time if it's not the water park, it will be some other desirable thing that she'll dangle in hopes they'll say yes.

I do agree with a PP who said for you to take the hit. There is nothing wrong with doing that for kids of 7 and 9 especially if your mom is becoming so persistent it is stressing out your kids -- and you said one DD is feeling very conflicted. Of course kids do need to learn to say no, but I would at this point step in and say they have gone off the idea of sleepovers and you are saying no too. After that, every time mom asks, just say that you're not doing sleepovers and leave it there. Does she try to go around you and contact your DDs directly somehow?? If so -- that needs to get nipped. At 7 and 9 they don't have phones or social media where she can reach them and do an end run around you, do they--?

Don't think that if you throw yourself under the bus here, your DDs will never learn to say no for themselves. They will. But they're at ages where I think it's OK both to tell them how to say no to an adult (and to roleplay that with them) and also to simultaneously be the bad guy on their behalf even as they also say no.

A word about your mom. She might be very lonely and clingy because she's lonely. If her boyfriend is cold (your description) he may be cold to her when no one's watching. If you think her relationships now are "all about him" rather than the rest of her family, well, that can be a red flag that he might be controlling and manipulative toward her and she's feeling so isolated that she's resorting to manipulation herself, maybe even unwittingly, to see your kids so she has something "of her own" if he's controlling everything else. It's something to consider. I would be as ticked off at her as you are but I also would wonder if maybe there is more going on with her that she's being so clingy and insistent. This is all NOT a reason to make your DDs do anything that remotely causes them stress! But it is a red flag that maybe this man is a bigger problem than just being cold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When our kids were little little, they used to spend the night frequently with my mom, who loved and initiated the overnights. A couple years ago however, they decided they are no longer comfortable sleeping over. They (7,9) insist nothing happened, they just aren’t comfortable anymore. This is fine with us, and we are sure my mom gets other opportunities for quality time. But she’s never stopped pushing the sleepover thing. I feel like every time they interact she brings it up, asking them if they want a sleepover. My youngest point blank asked me to help her, so I shut it down. It worked for a while, but over break she tried again, and now she’s upped the ante telling them she will take them to the indoor water park if they decide they are ready for sleepovers. I feel like she’s trying to manipulate them. I asked them if this is something they’d be interesting in doing, and my oldest said not really and then got upset. Probably because she’d like to swim but knows she can’t unless she gives in and spends the night. So she’s conflicted. My mom just contacted me about it, telling me she found a Groupon, so I think the girls would be up for it.

Do I mention the manipulation when I tell her we are shelving this conversation until the girls mention interest in spending the night? Any other advice?

Insist that she listens to you when you say NO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't they feel comfortable having a sleepover with their own grandmother? How sad is that? Why don't you ask them what's wrong that is making them uncomfortable? It would be a shame if they didn't get the chance to form a strong bond and lasting memories of sleeping over at their grandparents' house IMO.

OP, it hasn't even crossed your mind to ask them why?

Not OP — Sounds, at a minimum, that Grandma is pushy and unconcerned with the children’s preferences. Is that not enough?

Um, no, it's not enough. You don't think it's of any value that these kids have memories of sleepovers at their grandmother's house because she's pushy? Jesus. Talk about delicate flowers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't they feel comfortable having a sleepover with their own grandmother? How sad is that? Why don't you ask them what's wrong that is making them uncomfortable? It would be a shame if they didn't get the chance to form a strong bond and lasting memories of sleeping over at their grandparents' house IMO.

OP, it hasn't even crossed your mind to ask them why?

Not OP — Sounds, at a minimum, that Grandma is pushy and unconcerned with the children’s preferences. Is that not enough?

Um, no, it's not enough. You don't think it's of any value that these kids have memories of sleepovers at their grandmother's house because she's pushy? Jesus. Talk about delicate flowers.

This isn’t the mom keeping everyone apart. The children are uncomfortable spending the night there. It’s not even a question of them being afraid to do something new. They’ve done it before and asked to stop because they’re uncomfortable. You’d make your children spend the night somewhere they don’t feel comfortable to make another adult happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't they feel comfortable having a sleepover with their own grandmother? How sad is that? Why don't you ask them what's wrong that is making them uncomfortable? It would be a shame if they didn't get the chance to form a strong bond and lasting memories of sleeping over at their grandparents' house IMO.

OP, it hasn't even crossed your mind to ask them why?

Op should ask. But she should also 100 percent support her kids for saying no. Kids should never be pressured into sleeping over if they said it makes them uncomfortable. Maybe the house smells. Maybe grandma is a mean drunk. Maybe something worse happened. But the kids are clear that they do not want to do it. And that is all the OP needs to know to support her kids.

OP tell your mom no more sleepovers and to stop asking.

[Anonymous]

My mom does this. What happens in she shares all of her life's woes with the kids---and it is not appropriate to dump on them emotionally. not saying kids should be sheltered from life, but they should not be expected to be grandma's therapist.

My mom also treats the kids like very little ones--and they just aren't into those activities anymore. Is it just a sleepover thing, or is your mom just annoying and not a great grandma?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't they feel comfortable having a sleepover with their own grandmother? How sad is that? Why don't you ask them what's wrong that is making them uncomfortable? It would be a shame if they didn't get the chance to form a strong bond and lasting memories of sleeping over at their grandparents' house IMO.

OP, it hasn't even crossed your mind to ask them why?

OP completely hid the real issue:

Grandma has a boyfriend. He’s pretty cold to the kids and they never warmed up to him. The boyfriend also has grandchildren, one of whom is 12 and has been kicked out of several schools. Grandma always wants to schedule sleepovers for all the grandchildren together. Of course, OP’s 7 and 9 year olds are a little bit scarred of the disturbed 12year old!

Come on! This is so incredibly obvious. The boyfriend and Grandma essentially want her grandchildren to be therapy props for the disturbed child.

[Anonymous]

That’s strange. Concerning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't they feel comfortable having a sleepover with their own grandmother? How sad is that? Why don't you ask them what's wrong that is making them uncomfortable? It would be a shame if they didn't get the chance to form a strong bond and lasting memories of sleeping over at their grandparents' house IMO.

OP, it hasn't even crossed your mind to ask them why?

Not OP — Sounds, at a minimum, that Grandma is pushy and unconcerned with the children’s preferences. Is that not enough?

Um, no, it's not enough. You don't think it's of any value that these kids have memories of sleepovers at their grandmother's house because she's pushy? Jesus. Talk about delicate flowers.

Sounds like great memories! All those creepy nights staying at grandma’s house with her boyfriend and his mentally disturbed grandchild. Sooo much fun! I’m sure the kids will look back on those visits very fondly.

OP, your kids are going to hate you (and grandma) for not protecting them and putting them in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't they feel comfortable having a sleepover with their own grandmother? How sad is that? Why don't you ask them what's wrong that is making them uncomfortable? It would be a shame if they didn't get the chance to form a strong bond and lasting memories of sleeping over at their grandparents' house IMO.

OP, it hasn't even crossed your mind to ask them why?

OP completely hid the real issue:

Grandma has a boyfriend. He’s pretty cold to the kids and they never warmed up to him. The boyfriend also has grandchildren, one of whom is 12 and has been kicked out of several schools. Grandma always wants to schedule sleepovers for all the grandchildren together. Of course, OP’s 7 and 9 year olds are a little bit scarred of the disturbed 12year old!

Come on! This is so incredibly obvious. The boyfriend and Grandma essentially want her grandchildren to be therapy props for the disturbed child.

OMG OP of course you keep your children FAR away from creepy unrelated male and bad apple step grandkid! Respect your children's decision and just tell your mom NO. No explanations or negotiations needed. Tell mom if she keeps pressuring you you will limit contact. Your mom is at best a naive idiot to push this and at worst complicit in some way.

[Anonymous]

Are we sure the OP's mother and the mother with the creepy boyfriend are actually the same person?