Neighbors/friends taking advantage of us/our nannies

[Anonymous]

“Hey Larla, Jenny just told me that you asked her to be her nanny in the mornings. Why would you do that to us? You know we need her 1-2 mornings a week. I was okay with you offering her jobs here and there when you’re stuck for a sitter and can’t find someone of your own, but if you try to poach one of our girls again then i have to be honest that it would affect our friendship. I worked really hard to find these girls and vet them thoroughly, which takes time and energy that I’m already not spending with the kids, it’s upsetting that you’d try to take advantage of us like that.”

“I’m also going to need to ask that you don’t send Miss 3 over here any more without checking with us first. We love her as you know but preschoolers take a lot of supervision and we’re going to be doing things a bit differently around here from now on.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Hey Larla, Jenny just told me that you asked her to be her nanny in the mornings. Why would you do that to us? You know we need her 1-2 mornings a week. I was okay with you offering her jobs here and there when you’re stuck for a sitter and can’t find someone of your own, but if you try to poach one of our girls again then i have to be honest that it would affect our friendship. I worked really hard to find these girls and vet them thoroughly, which takes time and energy that I’m already not spending with the kids, it’s upsetting that you’d try to take advantage of us like that.”

“I’m also going to need to ask that you don’t send Miss 3 over here any more without checking with us first. We love her as you know but preschoolers take a lot of supervision and we’re going to be doing things a bit differently around here from now on.”

This is the best post yet. NP here. OP, you can tell immediately who the users are, as they are telling you to "be more generous". Truth is, they don't know what it is like in your situation. You pay the nanny, you found the nanny, and these people want free care, bottom line. The neighbor needs to pay the nanny THE SAME RATE that you pay your nanny, and the neighbor also needs to supply her own car seats. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all have other people do our work for us - for free? Yeah, no.

Firstly, I would be less available. I know someone who used to call their neighbor, and when the neighbor didn't answer, she would drop both her problematic kids at the neighbors house. She knew the nanny would not say no, which might be the situation you are in. Most important, your neighbor needs to go through YOU not the nanny. I can't emphasize this enough. These people are users. You might think they are your friends, but they are users. You need to realize that some people are underhanded opportunists - they are not resourceful, they use other people. Not everyone is a good person like you, OP.

You work hard, you do the work to find the nanny, you pay the nanny, you have your own family and your own issues, logistically and otherwise to deal with, WTH right do these people have? I have seen this a lot. Just no.

[Anonymous]

If they "didn't know" how hard it is to find help, they wouldn't be literally swooping in like vultures, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Hey Larla, Jenny just told me that you asked her to be her nanny in the mornings. Why would you do that to us? You know we need her 1-2 mornings a week. I was okay with you offering her jobs here and there when you’re stuck for a sitter and can’t find someone of your own, but if you try to poach one of our girls again then i have to be honest that it would affect our friendship. I worked really hard to find these girls and vet them thoroughly, which takes time and energy that I’m already not spending with the kids, it’s upsetting that you’d try to take advantage of us like that.”

“I’m also going to need to ask that you don’t send Miss 3 over here any more without checking with us first. We love her as you know but preschoolers take a lot of supervision and we’re going to be doing things a bit differently around here from now on.”

This is the best post yet. NP here. OP, you can tell immediately who the users are, as they are telling you to "be more generous". Truth is, they don't know what it is like in your situation. You pay the nanny, you found the nanny, and these people want free care, bottom line. The neighbor needs to pay the nanny THE SAME RATE that you pay your nanny, and the neighbor also needs to supply her own car seats. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all have other people do our work for us - for free? Yeah, no.

Firstly, I would be less available. I know someone who used to call their neighbor, and when the neighbor didn't answer, she would drop both her problematic kids at the neighbors house. She knew the nanny would not say no, which might be the situation you are in. Most important, your neighbor needs to go through YOU not the nanny. I can't emphasize this enough. These people are users. You might think they are your friends, but they are users. You need to realize that some people are underhanded opportunists - they are not resourceful, they use other people. Not everyone is a good person like you, OP.

You work hard, you do the work to find the nanny, you pay the nanny, you have your own family and your own issues, logistically and otherwise to deal with, WTH right do these people have? I have seen this a lot. Just no.

PP here. Have the nanny block her number. Seriously. This won't get better, it will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Hey Larla, Jenny just told me that you asked her to be her nanny in the mornings. Why would you do that to us? You know we need her 1-2 mornings a week. I was okay with you offering her jobs here and there when you’re stuck for a sitter and can’t find someone of your own, but if you try to poach one of our girls again then i have to be honest that it would affect our friendship. I worked really hard to find these girls and vet them thoroughly, which takes time and energy that I’m already not spending with the kids, it’s upsetting that you’d try to take advantage of us like that.”

“I’m also going to need to ask that you don’t send Miss 3 over here any more without checking with us first. We love her as you know but preschoolers take a lot of supervision and we’re going to be doing things a bit differently around here from now on.”

This is the best post yet. NP here. OP, you can tell immediately who the users are, as they are telling you to "be more generous". Truth is, they don't know what it is like in your situation. You pay the nanny, you found the nanny, and these people want free care, bottom line. The neighbor needs to pay the nanny THE SAME RATE that you pay your nanny, and the neighbor also needs to supply her own car seats. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all have other people do our work for us - for free? Yeah, no.

Firstly, I would be less available. I know someone who used to call their neighbor, and when the neighbor didn't answer, she would drop both her problematic kids at the neighbors house. She knew the nanny would not say no, which might be the situation you are in. Most important, your neighbor needs to go through YOU not the nanny. I can't emphasize this enough. These people are users. You might think they are your friends, but they are users. You need to realize that some people are underhanded opportunists - they are not resourceful, they use other people. Not everyone is a good person like you, OP.

You work hard, you do the work to find the nanny, you pay the nanny, you have your own family and your own issues, logistically and otherwise to deal with, WTH right do these people have? I have seen this a lot. Just no.

PP here. Have the nanny block her number. Seriously. This won't get better, it will only get worse.

Oh, and park in the driveway, so the vultures can't "swoop". I know a neighbor who used to literally wait for the other neighbor's nanny to come and go, so she could corner her. Don't give them the option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess that I would feel horrible if my kids just went to someone else's house regularly to play if their parents were not there. I would insist on paying and quite honestly, I would avoid it at all costs. We don't like our kids going there b/c they often just turn on the TV for their kids in the afternoon. Also, b/c they end up getting our nannies phone numbers and texting them behind our backs.

I also initially felt that it was the nannies' rights to set up other sitting jobs, and I still do. It's the regularity of if (them trying to hire them every morning when they know that we need them at least one to two mornings per week). They know that we don't have that kind of flexibility and I don't get why they don't seek their own child care in that case.

FWIW, when my friends are looking for sitters, I regularly recommend our nannies.

As far as how far in advance we find out about my husband's travel for the morning - we usually know about a week in advance.

Honestly this part is pretty bad on your part. You can't ask your nannies to hold all the mornings so you can have two/week.

[Anonymous]

you sickos do not own the nanny omfg

ESPECIALLY for the time you're not paying her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess that I would feel horrible if my kids just went to someone else's house regularly to play if their parents were not there. I would insist on paying and quite honestly, I would avoid it at all costs. We don't like our kids going there b/c they often just turn on the TV for their kids in the afternoon. Also, b/c they end up getting our nannies phone numbers and texting them behind our backs.

I also initially felt that it was the nannies' rights to set up other sitting jobs, and I still do. It's the regularity of if (them trying to hire them every morning when they know that we need them at least one to two mornings per week). They know that we don't have that kind of flexibility and I don't get why they don't seek their own child care in that case.

FWIW, when my friends are looking for sitters, I regularly recommend our nannies.

As far as how far in advance we find out about my husband's travel for the morning - we usually know about a week in advance.

Honestly this part is pretty bad on your part. You can't ask your nannies to hold all the mornings so you can have two/week.

If this was the agreement when the nanny was hired, OP certainly can. Does the neighbor have travel and that many hours a week as OP to worry about? Doubtful. You don't know every reason why OP needs this nanny, or anyone else. Tell me why you can't find our own? PP here. In the neighbors' cases that I know of, the kids were too difficult, the family was too cheap, and there were other nannies that left almost immediately, because the family was too difficult. OP doesn't have these problems, she is generous to her nanny. Maybe the neighbor should try that approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you sickos do not own the nanny omfg

ESPECIALLY for the time you're not paying her

If I was OP I would just pay for the extra hours, so you owned that TIME.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are two separate issues (at least) here:

First is the question of the neighbors' abusing your kind nannies for group childcare (sending kids back and forth w/only the nanny for supervision.) That has to end: you should ask that all playdates involving the younger kids are routed through you or pre-planned so that you and the nann(ies) can discuss. I think you've gotten some good talking points from other PPs.

The second is the question of the neighbors' hiring of your nanny(ies) at times when you'd like to have the flexibility to use the nanny(ies) yourself. Here I'm a little less inclined to bash the other parents: unless you have paid the nanny(ies) for those hours or have some ongoing arrangement where they are being compensated to hold that time for you, you can't insist that they can't take other jobs that become available. It's unfortunate that your neighbors are taking advantage, but if you want to have a nanny prepared to work for you on-demand, you need to pay for that service. My friends who have long, unpredictable hours do just that, and their nanny would never jeopardize a well-paid long-term arrangement for a couple of hours babysitting for someone else.

[Anonymous]

I had a bunch of SAHMs always "set up playdates" with my aupair when they were "volunteering", working out, etc

If my aupair would cancel due to illness (of my child) they would freak out because she messed up their schedule.

Of course, they never reciprocated with a play date at their house.

Yes... there are people who are users and the whole "I don't want to leave my kids with staranger" went out the windows.

I eventually just sent a blast email out to the users saying for every play date they set up at our house they should set up one at their house. Also, schedules change and if they "need" the play date for daycare they need to pay the aupair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Hey Larla, Jenny just told me that you asked her to be her nanny in the mornings. Why would you do that to us? You know we need her 1-2 mornings a week. I was okay with you offering her jobs here and there when you’re stuck for a sitter and can’t find someone of your own, but if you try to poach one of our girls again then i have to be honest that it would affect our friendship. I worked really hard to find these girls and vet them thoroughly, which takes time and energy that I’m already not spending with the kids, it’s upsetting that you’d try to take advantage of us like that.”

“I’m also going to need to ask that you don’t send Miss 3 over here any more without checking with us first. We love her as you know but preschoolers take a lot of supervision and we’re going to be doing things a bit differently around here from now on.”

This is great advice if you want to live next door to a family that you used to be friendly with but not stops chatting with the other neighbors and smiles in a pained way as you drive in or out of the driveway or walk by. Bad, bad advice. OP said they were friends. They don't realize how their behavior is affecting her. At least give OP advice that will not make HER be the bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a bunch of SAHMs always "set up playdates" with my aupair when they were "volunteering", working out, etc

If my aupair would cancel due to illness (of my child) they would freak out because she messed up their schedule.

Of course, they never reciprocated with a play date at their house.

Yes... there are people who are users and the whole "I don't want to leave my kids with staranger" went out the windows.

I eventually just sent a blast email out to the users saying for every play date they set up at our house they should set up one at their house. Also, schedules change and if they "need" the play date for daycare they need to pay the aupair.

+1

Bottom line: they need to pay the person who is helping. Anything else is user city, and the users "schedule" does not effing matter. Period.

[Anonymous]

To add: I know a neighbor that tried to do this, and "paid" the other neighbors' sitter by giving her something like an Avon gift basket. Talk about insulting - her kids were so badly behaved, it would have taken twice the rate the first neighbor was paying her employee. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Hey Larla, Jenny just told me that you asked her to be her nanny in the mornings. Why would you do that to us? You know we need her 1-2 mornings a week. I was okay with you offering her jobs here and there when you’re stuck for a sitter and can’t find someone of your own, but if you try to poach one of our girls again then i have to be honest that it would affect our friendship. I worked really hard to find these girls and vet them thoroughly, which takes time and energy that I’m already not spending with the kids, it’s upsetting that you’d try to take advantage of us like that.”

“I’m also going to need to ask that you don’t send Miss 3 over here any more without checking with us first. We love her as you know but preschoolers take a lot of supervision and we’re going to be doing things a bit differently around here from now on.”

This is great advice if you want to live next door to a family that you used to be friendly with but not stops chatting with the other neighbors and smiles in a pained way as you drive in or out of the driveway or walk by. Bad, bad advice. OP said they were friends. They don't realize how their behavior is affecting her. At least give OP advice that will not make HER be the bitch.

No love lost there.