Neighbors/friends taking advantage of us/our nannies

[Anonymous]

I find it odd that OP works 60 to 8- hours a week AND has young kids but somehow manages to find time for lengthy posts on DCUM. A little less time here and a little more with the kids would be nice . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd that OP works 60 to 8- hours a week AND has young kids but somehow manages to find time for lengthy posts on DCUM. A little less time here and a little more with the kids would be nice . . .

...she says...posting on DCUM.

Not a drop of self-awareness. Hilarious!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell the families that kids are not welcome at your home in less you are home and when there is a nanny. Nannies need to say no.

You need to work less as thats insane you spend no time with your kids and have multiple nannies. That is not healthy for the kids.

I wish I could work less. After these two years, I get to go part time though. So that's the plan.

Work as much or little as you want and NEVER let some stranger from the internet make you feel bad about it! So a President should be have children? Senators? Really??? Also, in less???? The OP of this thread need to go back to school and stop judging others!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH actually works from home, so he's home quite a bit with the kids, even with the nannies there. He travels every week, but only for a day or two, he just doesn't have a set schedule. So the kids are not neglected in any way.

I have a 6yo and a 2yo, and the other family has a 6 yo and 3 yo. I think at times the nannies do feel like there is less pressure on them with 4 kids, the kids enjoy having playmates. I didn't mind so much when the kids were playing outside, but now that it's cold, it's much more apparent that the nannies are being taken advantage of. One of their kids goes to my daughter's school and we had agreed to let the nanny pick her up, but then they didn't want to buy an extra car seat for their kid, (the school is in walking distance, but my son's daycare is not), so they expected our nanny to pick up our son how?

It all feels very strange and very much that they're taking advantage of all us and the nannies.

“Sorry, she’s driving and doesn’t have a seat for Henry.” Next question...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess that I would feel horrible if my kids just went to someone else's house regularly to play if their parents were not there. I would insist on paying and quite honestly, I would avoid it at all costs. We don't like our kids going there b/c they often just turn on the TV for their kids in the afternoon. Also, b/c they end up getting our nannies phone numbers and texting them behind our backs.

I also initially felt that it was the nannies' rights to set up other sitting jobs, and I still do. It's the regularity of if (them trying to hire them every morning when they know that we need them at least one to two mornings per week). They know that we don't have that kind of flexibility and I don't get why they don't seek their own child care in that case.

FWIW, when my friends are looking for sitters, I regularly recommend our nannies.

As far as how far in advance we find out about my husband's travel for the morning - we usually know about a week in advance.

Just tell your neighbors that your nannies are your property and that they need to ask you before borrowing something that belongs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH actually works from home, so he's home quite a bit with the kids, even with the nannies there. He travels every week, but only for a day or two, he just doesn't have a set schedule. So the kids are not neglected in any way.

I have a 6yo and a 2yo, and the other family has a 6 yo and 3 yo. I think at times the nannies do feel like there is less pressure on them with 4 kids, the kids enjoy having playmates. I didn't mind so much when the kids were playing outside, but now that it's cold, it's much more apparent that the nannies are being taken advantage of. One of their kids goes to my daughter's school and we had agreed to let the nanny pick her up, but then they didn't want to buy an extra car seat for their kid, (the school is in walking distance, but my son's daycare is not), so they expected our nanny to pick up our son how?

It all feels very strange and very much that they're taking advantage of all us and the nannies.

It sounds like they're clueless and you're not reacting properly:

What happens when the kids all go to their house, not yours? Does the nanny go with them, or does the other parent supervise? If all playdates are at your house and the other parent does not come, then you need to send them to the other house. "Today, you're all going to the neighbors' house. Let me text Betsy so she knows you're coming."

For pick-up, of course they didn't want to buy a car seat, it's not their kid who needs the car. They didn't think the timing was such that there would be an issue. You say: "Sorry, we don't have another car seat for your kid, so it won't work because we need to drive."

You really must understand that you need to communicate better. People can't guess what's happening if you don't speak up.

OP here, and I'm confused by what you mean. When my kids go to their house, our nanny goes. The parents often just go to another room to continue answering emails or doing other tasks.
As far as their car seat. They know this is our nanny - In order to get my son home from day care, the nanny has to drive to pick up my son and to get to the older kids on time she has to go straight from daycare, so she needs carseats. I had to explain this to them multiple times. I'm not giving them a car seat for their child.

You are confused?

1. The nanny sends your 6 year old to play at the neighbor's house (you're OK with that, right?). Nanny stays home looking after your toddler, who obviously cannot be sent without nanny. Occasionally, if feeling up to it, the nanny may go with the toddler. As a special treat.
2. When the neighbor kids come over, Nanny keeps the playdate SHORT. One hour max, then walks them home (because of the little one). The nanny may say NO, NOT TODAY, when the neighbor kids show up at the door, when she doesn't feel up to it. I've done that many times.
3. You say no to the driving thing, unless you actually do have an extra, age, height and weight-appropriate car seat, in which case, you could use it for the neighbor's kid... but perhaps your spare car seat is expired, or not the correct one for the child, hmm...????
4. Obviously they have to check with you first before hiring the nanny.

There really is nothing to be confused about. It's all about asserting oneself and creating boundaries.

#4...??? They have to check with OP before hiring an adult? No, that is not how real life works, now that we aren’t legally allowed to own humans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Hey Larla, Jenny just told me that you asked her to be her nanny in the mornings. Why would you do that to us? You know we need her 1-2 mornings a week. I was okay with you offering her jobs here and there when you’re stuck for a sitter and can’t find someone of your own, but if you try to poach one of our girls again then i have to be honest that it would affect our friendship. I worked really hard to find these girls and vet them thoroughly, which takes time and energy that I’m already not spending with the kids, it’s upsetting that you’d try to take advantage of us like that.”

“I’m also going to need to ask that you don’t send Miss 3 over here any more without checking with us first. We love her as you know but preschoolers take a lot of supervision and we’re going to be doing things a bit differently around here from now on.”

FFS, if OP wants to hire these women for morning care, she can do it! If she doesn’t, and someone else offers a job, the nanny can take it! You Do Not Own People!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Hey Larla, Jenny just told me that you asked her to be her nanny in the mornings. Why would you do that to us? You know we need her 1-2 mornings a week. I was okay with you offering her jobs here and there when you’re stuck for a sitter and can’t find someone of your own, but if you try to poach one of our girls again then i have to be honest that it would affect our friendship. I worked really hard to find these girls and vet them thoroughly, which takes time and energy that I’m already not spending with the kids, it’s upsetting that you’d try to take advantage of us like that.”

“I’m also going to need to ask that you don’t send Miss 3 over here any more without checking with us first. We love her as you know but preschoolers take a lot of supervision and we’re going to be doing things a bit differently around here from now on.”

This is the best post yet. NP here. OP, you can tell immediately who the users are, as they are telling you to "be more generous". Truth is, they don't know what it is like in your situation. You pay the nanny, you found the nanny, and these people want free care, bottom line. The neighbor needs to pay the nanny THE SAME RATE that you pay your nanny, and the neighbor also needs to supply her own car seats. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all have other people do our work for us - for free? Yeah, no.

Firstly, I would be less available. I know someone who used to call their neighbor, and when the neighbor didn't answer, she would drop both her problematic kids at the neighbors house. She knew the nanny would not say no, which might be the situation you are in. Most important, your neighbor needs to go through YOU not the nanny. I can't emphasize this enough. These people are users. You might think they are your friends, but they are users. You need to realize that some people are underhanded opportunists - they are not resourceful, they use other people. Not everyone is a good person like you, OP.

You work hard, you do the work to find the nanny, you pay the nanny, you have your own family and your own issues, logistically and otherwise to deal with, WTH right do these people have? I have seen this a lot. Just no.

What is wrong with you!?! Clearly you are not a nanny. The OP does not own the nanny. You’re clear on that, right??? So, taking it from there: OP finds nanny, great. Neighbors see a great nanny. Neighbors offer nanny additional hours (or full time, whatever). Nanny then gets to make her own decisions on the jobs she takes, regardless of what anyone else thinks about it! She can yes and DOES NOT need to ask permission! If the OP wants to reserve mornings, then the OP can.... wait for it... offer the nanny a mornings position and the nanny can decide to commit or not!

OP, you don’t own your nanny. If you want to reserve her time, then you pay for that. The number one way nannies (especially college age nannies) get jobs is by word of mouth and neighbors seeing you with the kids. No one is undercutting you by offering the nanny work (again, she isn’t your property). If you want a non-compete clause in your contract, then adjust and pay as necessary. If you are unwilling to pay for mornings, then they won’t be reserved for you. If you need mornings reserved for you, then you PAY for that.

As far as the kids playing, I’m not going to continue reading to see what has been addressed. How does the nanny feel??? I am fine with play dates. I will say no if we have other things to do. I am fine with carpooling kids, that’s up to you and nanny to decide. Maybe the nanny enjoys it, maybe not. I don’t know as that doesn’t seem to be OP’s concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Hey Larla, Jenny just told me that you asked her to be her nanny in the mornings. Why would you do that to us? You know we need her 1-2 mornings a week. I was okay with you offering her jobs here and there when you’re stuck for a sitter and can’t find someone of your own, but if you try to poach one of our girls again then i have to be honest that it would affect our friendship. I worked really hard to find these girls and vet them thoroughly, which takes time and energy that I’m already not spending with the kids, it’s upsetting that you’d try to take advantage of us like that.”

“I’m also going to need to ask that you don’t send Miss 3 over here any more without checking with us first. We love her as you know but preschoolers take a lot of supervision and we’re going to be doing things a bit differently around here from now on.”

This is the best post yet. NP here. OP, you can tell immediately who the users are, as they are telling you to "be more generous". Truth is, they don't know what it is like in your situation. You pay the nanny, you found the nanny, and these people want free care, bottom line. The neighbor needs to pay the nanny THE SAME RATE that you pay your nanny, and the neighbor also needs to supply her own car seats. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all have other people do our work for us - for free? Yeah, no.

Firstly, I would be less available. I know someone who used to call their neighbor, and when the neighbor didn't answer, she would drop both her problematic kids at the neighbors house. She knew the nanny would not say no, which might be the situation you are in. Most important, your neighbor needs to go through YOU not the nanny. I can't emphasize this enough. These people are users. You might think they are your friends, but they are users. You need to realize that some people are underhanded opportunists - they are not resourceful, they use other people. Not everyone is a good person like you, OP.

You work hard, you do the work to find the nanny, you pay the nanny, you have your own family and your own issues, logistically and otherwise to deal with, WTH right do these people have? I have seen this a lot. Just no.

What is wrong with you!?! Clearly you are not a nanny. The OP does not own the nanny. You’re clear on that, right??? So, taking it from there: OP finds nanny, great. Neighbors see a great nanny. Neighbors offer nanny additional hours (or full time, whatever). Nanny then gets to make her own decisions on the jobs she takes, regardless of what anyone else thinks about it! She can yes and DOES NOT need to ask permission! If the OP wants to reserve mornings, then the OP can.... wait for it... offer the nanny a mornings position and the nanny can decide to commit or not!

OP, you don’t own your nanny. If you want to reserve her time, then you pay for that. The number one way nannies (especially college age nannies) get jobs is by word of mouth and neighbors seeing you with the kids. No one is undercutting you by offering the nanny work (again, she isn’t your property). If you want a non-compete clause in your contract, then adjust and pay as necessary. If you are unwilling to pay for mornings, then they won’t be reserved for you. If you need mornings reserved for you, then you PAY for that.

As far as the kids playing, I’m not going to continue reading to see what has been addressed. How does the nanny feel??? I am fine with play dates. I will say no if we have other things to do. I am fine with carpooling kids, that’s up to you and nanny to decide. Maybe the nanny enjoys it, maybe not. I don’t know as that doesn’t seem to be OP’s concern.

Really, really, really really strong over reaction on your part.

I am one of the PPs that told OP to pay for the nanny's time, so that that time is reserved. Obviously a nanny can not be reserved, just the time. Either you think I am a different PP, or you have a serious problem (ie: you are a user mother like the one mentioned above). In addition, OP was very clear that this neighbor was not willing or able to pay the nanny. In the above example, that was also the case. As far as I know (since you know "everything" you may know otherwise LOL), no nanny I have ever known has happily agreed to working for free, though user moms will attempt this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Hey Larla, Jenny just told me that you asked her to be her nanny in the mornings. Why would you do that to us? You know we need her 1-2 mornings a week. I was okay with you offering her jobs here and there when you’re stuck for a sitter and can’t find someone of your own, but if you try to poach one of our girls again then i have to be honest that it would affect our friendship. I worked really hard to find these girls and vet them thoroughly, which takes time and energy that I’m already not spending with the kids, it’s upsetting that you’d try to take advantage of us like that.”

“I’m also going to need to ask that you don’t send Miss 3 over here any more without checking with us first. We love her as you know but preschoolers take a lot of supervision and we’re going to be doing things a bit differently around here from now on.”

FFS, if OP wants to hire these women for morning care, she can do it! If she doesn’t, and someone else offers a job, the nanny can take it! You Do Not Own People!

A quick Google search reveals the following definition of Job:

1. A paid position of regular employment.

2. A task or pice of work, especially one that is paid.

I see pattern here involving (wait for it) MONEY.

You PP, are indeed a piece of work, but another kind.

[Anonymous]

So anyone who doesn't agree on this thread -- or can't understand a post -- is "one of the user moms." Nice. I couldn't understand another garbled post -- this one: "Work as much or little as you want and NEVER let some stranger from the internet make you feel bad about it! So a President should be have children? Senators? Really??? Also, in less???? The OP of this thread need to go back to school and stop judging others!"

WTF, seriously what does that even mean? Or should I say, what does that even mean????

I guess it's a test? If I can't understand it, I'm "one of the users"?

Sheesh. Abandon thread. Abandon, abandon.

[Anonymous]

Nanny sends older kid to other house and keeps toddler at home. *Maybe* they're toddler can come over in that situation, but it shouldn't be expected or required. Then when the reverse is true, the other family can send their older kid over and keep their toddler at home, so there's only one extra kid going back and forth and it's the older, less needy kid.

Also, do you guys pay for your nanny's mornings? If not, you don't get to be upset if she picks up another job elsewhere. Either pay for the guaranteed availability, or don't complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny sends older kid to other house and keeps toddler at home. *Maybe* they're toddler can come over in that situation, but it shouldn't be expected or required. Then when the reverse is true, the other family can send their older kid over and keep their toddler at home, so there's only one extra kid going back and forth and it's the older, less needy kid.

Also, do you guys pay for your nanny's mornings? If not, you don't get to be upset if she picks up another job elsewhere. Either pay for the guaranteed availability, or don't complain.

Here's the thing: I know this kind of mom, and this kind of mom is not preventing both kids from going over at the same time because it is, quite obviously, easier for the neighbor mom to ship her kids off down the street for free help. It's not perplexing that OP would have a problem with this.

Of course that neighbor is a user, WTH else are you going to call her? Friends simply don't pull that crap, and certainly not on a regular basis, as OP's neighbor does. OP is not a charity, she does not owe the neighbor anything, least of all, free help. All the moms that think free help sounds great aren't going to tell you that they are users. In fact, I have seen one or two user moms get quite indignant that they were caught poaching - because that is what it is. Now they have quite a name for themselves - which they brought on entirely themselves. You don't want to be called out, don't do it.

It has already been decided that OP intends to pay for any reserved time from the nanny, and that what OP is paying for is just that - time. So you can drop that part of the discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd that OP works 60 to 8- hours a week AND has young kids but somehow manages to find time for lengthy posts on DCUM. A little less time here and a little more with the kids would be nice . . .

...she says...posting on DCUM.

Not a drop of self-awareness. Hilarious!

What makes you think PP works 60 hours per week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd that OP works 60 to 8- hours a week AND has young kids but somehow manages to find time for lengthy posts on DCUM. A little less time here and a little more with the kids would be nice . . .

...she says...posting on DCUM.

Not a drop of self-awareness. Hilarious!

What makes you think PP works 60 hours per week?

The thread isn't about how much OP works, the thread is about the neighbor trying to poach - for free. OP, IMO, your neighbor's behavior is the bottom of the barrel, because if the neighbor didn't know how hard it is to find help, not to mention at someone else's expense (monetarily and stress) she wouldn't be poaching. That neighbor is causing you undue stress. Just because it's not illegal, doesn't mean your poaching neighbor is not a sneaky, questionable and sad person. Hard to respect that, frankly.