Neighbors/friends taking advantage of us/our nannies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was kinda ready to say you’re overreacting, but those are young kids that need supervision. I can see the 6 year olds running between houses, but at 2 and 3 the little ones will obviously need close supervision. Do they send the younger child over regularly?

Yes. They think it's unfair to send the 6 yo because their 3 yo gets upset if the 6 yo comes over without her.

And then they expect the nanny to watch all four kids at their house? Oy, yea, they’re too much. I get that you might want to handle this a bit carefully. I think the plan to do classes is a good one. Sorry, op, I see the issue now.

Thanks, I'm really struggling with this because we truly love the other family and value their friendship. We love their children. I love the bonds that my children have grown to have with theirs and I even love the idea of all the kids playing every afternoon. But ultimately, I have to have my childcare situation stable and I feel like they're throwing a wrench into it whenever they see an opportunity for themselves. The only way I can think to fix this without doing irreparable harm to our relationship is to do things like sign the kids up for classes, tell the nannies to the kids to more after school activities, etc. I'm just so frustrated and I really appreciate you all letting me vent.

They didn't want to spring $$ for a car seat? They also regularly send a pre-schooler over to your house?

You may love them, but their actions = takers & users.

They should have long ago offered additional money to your nannies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was kinda ready to say you’re overreacting, but those are young kids that need supervision. I can see the 6 year olds running between houses, but at 2 and 3 the little ones will obviously need close supervision. Do they send the younger child over regularly?

Yes. They think it's unfair to send the 6 yo because their 3 yo gets upset if the 6 yo comes over without her.

And then they expect the nanny to watch all four kids at their house? Oy, yea, they’re too much. I get that you might want to handle this a bit carefully. I think the plan to do classes is a good one. Sorry, op, I see the issue now.

Thanks, I'm really struggling with this because we truly love the other family and value their friendship. We love their children. I love the bonds that my children have grown to have with theirs and I even love the idea of all the kids playing every afternoon. But ultimately, I have to have my childcare situation stable and I feel like they're throwing a wrench into it whenever they see an opportunity for themselves. The only way I can think to fix this without doing irreparable harm to our relationship is to do things like sign the kids up for classes, tell the nannies to the kids to more after school activities, etc. I'm just so frustrated and I really appreciate you all letting me vent.

They didn't want to spring $$ for a car seat? They also regularly send a pre-schooler over to your house?

You may love them, but their actions = takers & users.

They should have long ago offered additional money to your nannies.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was kinda ready to say you’re overreacting, but those are young kids that need supervision. I can see the 6 year olds running between houses, but at 2 and 3 the little ones will obviously need close supervision. Do they send the younger child over regularly?

Yes. They think it's unfair to send the 6 yo because their 3 yo gets upset if the 6 yo comes over without her.

And then they expect the nanny to watch all four kids at their house? Oy, yea, they’re too much. I get that you might want to handle this a bit carefully. I think the plan to do classes is a good one. Sorry, op, I see the issue now.

Thanks, I'm really struggling with this because we truly love the other family and value their friendship. We love their children. I love the bonds that my children have grown to have with theirs and I even love the idea of all the kids playing every afternoon. But ultimately, I have to have my childcare situation stable and I feel like they're throwing a wrench into it whenever they see an opportunity for themselves. The only way I can think to fix this without doing irreparable harm to our relationship is to do things like sign the kids up for classes, tell the nannies to the kids to more after school activities, etc. I'm just so frustrated and I really appreciate you all letting me vent.

They didn't want to spring $$ for a car seat? They also regularly send a pre-schooler over to your house?

You may love them, but their actions = takers & users.

They should have long ago offered additional money to your nannies.

+1

To elaborate: the cheap neighbor should have offered fair market value to your nanny, OP - not whatever the cheap neighbor "felt like" paying the nanny - which we all know is zero.

[Anonymous]

Why can't your nanny tell them how much she charges to watch their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't your nanny tell them how much she charges to watch their kids?

People like the neighbor approach nannies (instead of the employer) because they believe the nanny will not say no - it's all very deliberate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since summer time we have had two after school nannies (really grad students), each working two afternoons a week and occasional mornings when my husband is out of town. On top of this, we have another morning person that we frequently use. We worked really hard to find these nannies, do back ground checks, have trial runs. We adore them and they've been great with us. I work upwards of 60 to 80 hour weeks with a schedule that is not flexible and I have no chance of reducing those hours in the next two years.

Issue is, we have some friends that live practically next door, our back yards are connected and our kids are about the same age. They have no additional child care - mind you, not because they can't afford it, but because they think one of their kids won't do well with a "new" person in their life. Their kids have come over so often, or they've invited our nannies and kids over there so often that they think their kids will only do well with our nannies. Obviously, this is stupid. Our nannies were strangers to all of us before we vetted them. I'm most uncomfortable with the idea that they are using our nannies as supplemental child care. Both sets of kids in the last month or so have set an expectation that they will all play together every afternoon. This makes it hard on our nannies to say no as the older kids literally just run out the door and show up at one another's homes, and I can tell that they often feel forced to go there. At other times, the other family sends their kids to our house. I dislike this, they are not paying our nannies and I am pretty sure they're not watching their own kids when our kids/nanny are at their house. Also, they've gotten our nannies numbers and have started texting them trying to set up regular child care for themselves. I feel as if they're trying to "steal" these people in a way and I cannot understand why they can't just go find their own caregivers.

It's particularly hard because we've been very good friends with this family for about 5 years, spending most afternoons with them and helping each other out. We love their family and we love their kids, but I'm feeling very taken advantage of at this point. We've told one of our nannies that the visits need to be cut down, and I"m in the process of signing my kids up for classes (for most of the fall about half of their afternoons were full, which helped avoid some of this mess), but it is just very upsetting to me. The other family has agreed to contact us before trying to hire one of these nannies after my husband got really pissed that one of the morning we needed them they claimed they were busy b/c of this other family. I have mixed feelings about this because i know these women need money, but one of the reasons we pay them pretty well is that we understand at times, particularly in the morning, we expect some flexibility since my husband travels so much.

Note that we have no other help other than the people we find and hire to help us. We have no family. We've worked really hard to develop friendships in this area and during my maternity leave I even helped out tons of friends with their kids, in particular these neighbors, because I truly believe it takes a village. But I am incredibly upset that these people we considered friends and people whose children I helped with so much are taking advantage of us..

I'm not sure how to approach this. All of our nannies are heading away for the holidays, and when they get back I want a plan. At this point I'm thinking classes at least one day, maybe two days a week. I already told them that I'm limiting our kids going there to one day a week and their kids coming here one day a week. That being said, I was shocked when I found out that they were sending their kids here with no supervision on their part. And I'm pissed b/c I feel like 4 kids to one grad school nanny is too much.

Anyways, sorry I've written so much, but would love some honest opinions on how to proceed.

Real friends would not be taking advantage of you or trying to steal your nannies. So I would cut the play dates to maybe once a week and alternate - your kids come to my house (with their adult), my kids come to your house (with their adult). I would absolutely say no to picking up from school even if they split nanny's bill. It's obvious you don't want to share nannies so they need to find their own.

[Anonymous]

Ultimately, OP, these people are not your friends. They're using you. Do you want to have friends that are using you?

Your kids have friends, yes. How much time should they be spending with their BFFs? What's reasonable?

Also, let your kids develop new relationships with new kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ultimately, OP, these people are not your friends. They're using you. Do you want to have friends that are using you?

Your kids have friends, yes. How much time should they be spending with their BFFs? What's reasonable?

Also, let your kids develop new relationships with new kids.

People are different. They offer each other different things. Life is not 50-50. (And BTW people who keep track of how much they give vs how much they get are not friends, either.)

Some day OP may need some help from her neighbors. Maybe one of the kids is sick or needs to go to the hospital, her DH is out of town, and the nannies are booked. I imagine asking the neighbor for help and them responding, "Of course! You've had our kids over so many times!! Bring them over here for the night. Anything."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimately, OP, these people are not your friends. They're using you. Do you want to have friends that are using you?

Your kids have friends, yes. How much time should they be spending with their BFFs? What's reasonable?

Also, let your kids develop new relationships with new kids.

People are different. They offer each other different things. Life is not 50-50. (And BTW people who keep track of how much they give vs how much they get are not friends, either.)

Some day OP may need some help from her neighbors. Maybe one of the kids is sick or needs to go to the hospital, her DH is out of town, and the nannies are booked. I imagine asking the neighbor for help and them responding, "Of course! You've had our kids over so many times!! Bring them over here for the night. Anything."

Tiniest. Violin. Ever.

I think OP is smart enough to ask any other neighbor for help, there are plenty to choose from - not the user neighbor - should there ever be this very unlikely yet "inevitable disaster" you speak of. Yes, at the zombie apocalypse, the only neighbor to have the last morsel of food will be you, the user neighbor, according to you, we get it. Happy? Better yet, smear OP's name: "SHE doesn't let neighbors poach her NANNY! The nerve!"

Puuulease, people like you would love to guilt OP into letting their nanny be poached - you are not a friend, either. You are just mad that you got found out. Go find your own help and try to pay what OP's neighbor pays - nothing. Zero. Zilch. Zip. No love lost there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimately, OP, these people are not your friends. They're using you. Do you want to have friends that are using you?

Your kids have friends, yes. How much time should they be spending with their BFFs? What's reasonable?

Also, let your kids develop new relationships with new kids.

People are different. They offer each other different things. Life is not 50-50. (And BTW people who keep track of how much they give vs how much they get are not friends, either.)

Some day OP may need some help from her neighbors. Maybe one of the kids is sick or needs to go to the hospital, her DH is out of town, and the nannies are booked. I imagine asking the neighbor for help and them responding, "Of course! You've had our kids over so many times!! Bring them over here for the night. Anything."

OP already knows that her kids are welcome at the neighbor's house anytime, and that they'll be unsupervised, every time. That's why she PAY FOR HER OWN NANNY to accompany her children over there.

[Anonymous]

I pay my nanny above market rate, lots of vacation days, sick etc. (Don't do medical as she gets through her DH.) I have a somewhat similar situation where there are weeks where I need flexibility in scheduling and nanny knows that I need this flexibility as was part of job description. If I had a neighbor who started hiring her to point it jeopardizes her availability for my needs-I may recognize her right to do so but her value to me is diminished and she won't be the right employee for me. If nanny choose to jeopardize her full time employment with taking on occasional gigs it seems a short sighted decision. She may very well be someone who enjoys cobbling together jobs but that's hard to make a sustainable work life on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimately, OP, these people are not your friends. They're using you. Do you want to have friends that are using you?

Your kids have friends, yes. How much time should they be spending with their BFFs? What's reasonable?

Also, let your kids develop new relationships with new kids.

People are different. They offer each other different things. Life is not 50-50. (And BTW people who keep track of how much they give vs how much they get are not friends, either.)

Some day OP may need some help from her neighbors. Maybe one of the kids is sick or needs to go to the hospital, her DH is out of town, and the nannies are booked. I imagine asking the neighbor for help and them responding, "Of course! You've had our kids over so many times!! Bring them over here for the night. Anything."

Tiniest. Violin. Ever.

I think OP is smart enough to ask any other neighbor for help, there are plenty to choose from - not the user neighbor - should there ever be this very unlikely yet "inevitable disaster" you speak of. Yes, at the zombie apocalypse, the only neighbor to have the last morsel of food will be you, the user neighbor, according to you, we get it. Happy? Better yet, smear OP's name: "SHE doesn't let neighbors poach her NANNY! The nerve!"

Puuulease, people like you would love to guilt OP into letting their nanny be poached - you are not a friend, either. You are just mad that you got found out. Go find your own help and try to pay what OP's neighbor pays - nothing. Zero. Zilch. Zip. No love lost there.

Huh? You are incoherent. You do realize I am not actually, literally involved in this scenario, correct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimately, OP, these people are not your friends. They're using you. Do you want to have friends that are using you?

Your kids have friends, yes. How much time should they be spending with their BFFs? What's reasonable?

Also, let your kids develop new relationships with new kids.

People are different. They offer each other different things. Life is not 50-50. (And BTW people who keep track of how much they give vs how much they get are not friends, either.)

Some day OP may need some help from her neighbors. Maybe one of the kids is sick or needs to go to the hospital, her DH is out of town, and the nannies are booked. I imagine asking the neighbor for help and them responding, "Of course! You've had our kids over so many times!! Bring them over here for the night. Anything."

Tiniest. Violin. Ever.

I think OP is smart enough to ask any other neighbor for help, there are plenty to choose from - not the user neighbor - should there ever be this very unlikely yet "inevitable disaster" you speak of. Yes, at the zombie apocalypse, the only neighbor to have the last morsel of food will be you, the user neighbor, according to you, we get it. Happy? Better yet, smear OP's name: "SHE doesn't let neighbors poach her NANNY! The nerve!"

Puuulease, people like you would love to guilt OP into letting their nanny be poached - you are not a friend, either. You are just mad that you got found out. Go find your own help and try to pay what OP's neighbor pays - nothing. Zero. Zilch. Zip. No love lost there.

Huh? You are incoherent. You do realize I am not actually, literally involved in this scenario, correct?

You certainly seem like you have a vested interested in poaching free help. OP has zero reason to feel guilty about saying an emphatic NO to users who claim to be her friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I pay my nanny above market rate, lots of vacation days, sick etc. (Don't do medical as she gets through her DH.) I have a somewhat similar situation where there are weeks where I need flexibility in scheduling and nanny knows that I need this flexibility as was part of job description. If I had a neighbor who started hiring her to point it jeopardizes her availability for my needs-I may recognize her right to do so but her value to me is diminished and she won't be the right employee for me. If nanny choose to jeopardize her full time employment with taking on occasional gigs it seems a short sighted decision. She may very well be someone who enjoys cobbling together jobs but that's hard to make a sustainable work life on.

OP here, so sorry, I missed the extra responses b/c work got crazy. But essentially this is post echoes much of my feelings on this issue. I've already mentioned that we did offer someone regular hours in the morning, but that person didn't want something every day. I guess also, I call them "nannies" but truly, they are just several sitters cobbled together to help us get from about 7am to 5:30 pm, w/ school from 9 to 3. Morning hours are needed only a few times a week due to DH's travel. But I think this poster gets me, I find it strange that this neighbor/friend would hire our people to the point that jeopardizes their availability to us. I'm currently in residency and I truly don't have very much flexibility, I'll often work nights for weeks at a time and we pay a lot extra to have one of these sitters spend the nights when DH travels. Our neighbors know this.
On top of that, we have shared the name of an occasional sitter and they had such high expectations of her that they ended up being so disappointed and treating her badly. I do not want that to happen with these sitters. And it's not that we feel like we "own " the sitters, but I hired these people expecting them to work for us, I chose not to go into a nanny share b/c I don't necessarily want them taking other people's opinions into account, I want my kids to be prioritized, and honestly, these women are not the most experienced and I don't think that they would be appropriate to have a 4 kid nanny share, include 2 young ones. They can take morning gigs, but we would be offended if it's people who knew there was a good chance we needed them.

Also, we do depend on the neighbors occasionally, and they do depend on us occasionally, we often will take their young one into school, and on occasion they'll take our oldest. We are happy to let the kids play just about every night, we truly do love them, but we'd prefer to be there, so this often occurs right after dinner (or this is how it used to work). I prefer that to them playing every day after school with the nanny in charge. That being said, I think on occasion is find, but I just feel like it's being abused.

We also have great relationships with other neighbors and when I took my maternity "leave" I often took care of other people's kids, in part to get to know the families better, in part b/c I truly like helping others, and in part to develop the type of relationship where our kids can play at each others houses and I know that they are cared for and loved. We rarely ask others to help us, but we are really appreciate of it when it happens. Anyways, we try to treat them well, none of the "nannies" worked over the two to three week holiday, and I did give them about 3 weeks pay for bonuses. We do really adore them and really depend on them. Also, just an added thought, it occurred to me that our neighbors have family coming to stay for several months, that means they likely won't be needing our childcare services for a while. Lol.

Anyways, we've discussed it with our sitters and I think we're on the same page now. I really appreciate all the thoughtful responses.

[Anonymous]

Reminds me of my childhood. The neighbor twins were at our house basically every day. This morphed into my mother cooking them lunch and dinner most days up into high school. It was NEVER once reciprocated—and the neighbors were successful lawyers.

In retrospect their parents were the cheapest sleaziest mooches on the planet. Shameless. They basically used my parents as free de facto daycare for like a decade.