I wish I could stay home for a year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not helpful, as hindsight is 20/20, but why did you decide to ramp up at work with such young children?

During the daycare years, I was really conscious about keeping the job that gave me the flexibility I needed.

Frankly, and I know this is also not helpful, but your husband sounds like a jerk. I'd say the same if the shoe were on the other foot and he were dealing with health crap while you expected him to continue to work.

You need to think about the long game and build your life accordingly. Keep in mind that you are likely to feel overwhelmed during the elementary school years as well - homework you'll have to help your kids with after a long day, sports practices, weekend games, carpools, other non-sport activities, and so on. It is not uncommon for there to be 12+ snow days called by FCPS. I know quite a few families that had to get an au pair or hire a nanny for elementary aged kids for these reasons.

OP here, and I used to own a business. For a variety of reasons, it was time to shut it down, so I needed to find a new job-- I didn't want a gap on my resume. The place where I landed happened to be a fantastic opportunity for me-- the "ramping up" was not necessarily intentional. I do have some flexibility in that I can come and go as I please, and no one gives me a hard time about being out for an event at my kid's school, a doctor's appointment, etc. Telecommuting is not part of our office culture, though, so people only do it on an as-needed basis (plumber is coming today, waiting for a delivery, etc.).

I'm sure I made my husband sound like a jerk, but he is actually a pretty great and thoughtful spouse. My health issues were previously not a big deal/were under control, so these are more recent developments. I think he would support me staying home for a year-- we have even discussed the idea of him being the one to stay home for a year or two, until our youngest is in kindergarten. My biggest concern with taking a year off is that it might be difficult for me to re-enter the workforce considering that I'm on a new career path (it will be 2 years in March).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it your thyroid? Are you one the natural thyroid med ? I think it works much better than synthroid. Anyway you might be romanticizing sah life a bit. In my experience you get LESS ‘me’ time.

I sah part time and wfh. My house is a disaster because the kids play here all day and I cook constantly. My husband is unhappy because he’s always cleaning the kitchen but I can’t clean and do childcare, all I can manage is cooking. Laundry is always a disaster. The mail piles are hilariously teetering. I can barely keep up with paying the lawn mower and the nanny.

I am a healthy weight., and I get to do things like walk my 3 yo to preschool and take them outside to play. But I deal with a lot of tantrums, diapers, and puke. Also I miss out on talking with peers.

it’s worth it to me. I like spending time with my kids right now. But I wouldn’t assume you will be Martha Stewart. Childhood is messy, crazy, chaotic. No real ‘me’ time. I often skip things like shaving or teeth brushing, which I know sounds crazy, but I am always in on call. I guess we can keep a neat house once they’re in college.

Can you take a gym class at lunch time? I would start there. Also thought this article was great: https://parenting.nytimes.com/feeding/meal-planning-kids

There are some helpful tips in the article-- thank you!

I was home with my oldest for the first year, and it was HARD. I understand the challenges, but my reasons for wanting to make a change are to spend more time with my kids, and work on my health. I mentioned in a follow-up post that my 5YO is in kindergarten during the school year, and my 2YO (soon to be 3) is a pretty easy kid. I would be happy with an hour to work out (gym daycare) and cooking a simple/healthy meal for my family.

Yeah i think the three meal target for the week that the article describes is really brilliant. Def get the wanting to spend time with your kids thing, most of my peers don't understand this but its just my thing right now. but some days are TOUGH. if you do decide to do this i strongly recommend you find a part time pre-school for the little guy, even if its a co-op. its very hard to set up playdates since most moms woh, and it can be isolating for both of you. i tried the gym/music toddler classes but they are kind of a time sink and not really worth it imho.

what sucks for me right now is my dh really expects me to do all the housework, in addition to scheduling everything for the kids because i work so many less hours. i would make sure you talk with your dh ahead of time about what chores you can take on vs what will be outsourced and where he will still pitch in.

i do love being able to drop off and pick up my kids, talking to the other parents, being able to go really slow when it comes to putting our shoes or coats on, walking places instead of driving, and not rushing around or fighting traffic.

another option is to tell your office you need to work from home a few days a week. i mean if they won't let you then, okay, you quit. but it seems like it would be worth it to them to let you try it. good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been evaluated for depression? If this is what you are experiencing, you might want to consider therapy and medication first to stabilize before you make a decision about your career that may have lasting repercussions.

OP here. I have seen a therapist in the past. I may have some depression, I'm not sure. I actually have a lot of pretty happy days, I just cannot seem to find the motivation and energy to get up at 430AM to work out. If I could swing that, life would be a lot better because I would be addressing my health issues.

If you think you might have "some depression," please do get evaluated by a professional. You might do very well on antidepressants combined with therapy. It's worth at least looking into.

As you may know, physical movement not only helps your body but also your mind, and it creates a feedback loop of more physical activity and a more enhanced mood. I find that even walking briskly outdoors can have a tremendous impact on your mood - you don't have to lift weights or run to get started.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I cannot believe what I read here. Women wanting to throw away their careers so they can...catch up on laundry and dishes? Organize a closet of paperwork? Ladies, COME ON! Put aside a few thousand dollars a year and hire someone. There are plenty of morning housekeepers who can keep the house under control. And for those papers- hire an organizer. Recognize that 1) you cannot do it all yourself and 2) just bc you cannot do it all yourself you don’t have to quit. Hire someone. Hire more help than you think you need.

The papers etc are just a symptom of a larger issue, which is stress and near burnout. A lot of us can relate, OP. My kids are the same age. I would love to take a year off too. Last year's government shutdown was a wonderful month of recharging for me. At the same time, though, I love my job, and we couldn't afford it anyway if one of us were to quit.

Perhaps you can make some time for yourself without going full sabbatical. It's hard to see how extra hours can be squeezed out of the week but if you are close to burnout and the alternative is to quit, perhaps you can find a way. And there is nothing wrong with staying home either if it's what you truly want.

Did you ever stay home with a young child? I did. It is a lot of work. There is less downtime to take care of yourself. OP has two young kids, one of which she is planning to keep with her all day. She is not going to get the benefit she needs by putting him in gym daycare for a few hours per day. She should HIRE HELP - if she can afford to quit she can afford to hire help. Not a weekly cleaner. A daily housekeeper/household manager. Help like this relieves so much stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not helpful, as hindsight is 20/20, but why did you decide to ramp up at work with such young children?

During the daycare years, I was really conscious about keeping the job that gave me the flexibility I needed.

Frankly, and I know this is also not helpful, but your husband sounds like a jerk. I'd say the same if the shoe were on the other foot and he were dealing with health crap while you expected him to continue to work.

You need to think about the long game and build your life accordingly. Keep in mind that you are likely to feel overwhelmed during the elementary school years as well - homework you'll have to help your kids with after a long day, sports practices, weekend games, carpools, other non-sport activities, and so on. It is not uncommon for there to be 12+ snow days called by FCPS. I know quite a few families that had to get an au pair or hire a nanny for elementary aged kids for these reasons.

OP here, and I used to own a business. For a variety of reasons, it was time to shut it down, so I needed to find a new job-- I didn't want a gap on my resume. The place where I landed happened to be a fantastic opportunity for me-- the "ramping up" was not necessarily intentional. I do have some flexibility in that I can come and go as I please, and no one gives me a hard time about being out for an event at my kid's school, a doctor's appointment, etc. Telecommuting is not part of our office culture, though, so people only do it on an as-needed basis (plumber is coming today, waiting for a delivery, etc.).

I'm sure I made my husband sound like a jerk, but he is actually a pretty great and thoughtful spouse. My health issues were previously not a big deal/were under control, so these are more recent developments. I think he would support me staying home for a year-- we have even discussed the idea of him being the one to stay home for a year or two, until our youngest is in kindergarten. My biggest concern with taking a year off is that it might be difficult for me to re-enter the workforce considering that I'm on a new career path (it will be 2 years in March).

I know you think your husband is great, but he seems really inflexible. Note that when you talked about him taking time off work you were considering “a year or two” Now, when you’re the one having health issues and feeling overwhelmed it’s “he does want the pressure of being the breadwinner” and “maybe he would be okay with it for a year”

I’m sorry, he just doesn’t sound like a great husband. Everything else is putting lipstick on a pig.

[Anonymous]

I agree with not making drastic changes, but thinking of small ways to carve out time off. Hire help before stepping off the career track — in the long term it’s much more costly to start over (as a general rule, personal situations differ). Try giving 80% at work for a few weeks. Get a life coach of therapist to help you make some changes in your internal perspective. Burnout can definitely be a sign that you are ready to start a new way of living, so see this as a positive call to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not helpful, as hindsight is 20/20, but why did you decide to ramp up at work with such young children?

During the daycare years, I was really conscious about keeping the job that gave me the flexibility I needed.

Frankly, and I know this is also not helpful, but your husband sounds like a jerk. I'd say the same if the shoe were on the other foot and he were dealing with health crap while you expected him to continue to work.

You need to think about the long game and build your life accordingly. Keep in mind that you are likely to feel overwhelmed during the elementary school years as well - homework you'll have to help your kids with after a long day, sports practices, weekend games, carpools, other non-sport activities, and so on. It is not uncommon for there to be 12+ snow days called by FCPS. I know quite a few families that had to get an au pair or hire a nanny for elementary aged kids for these reasons.

OP here, and I used to own a business. For a variety of reasons, it was time to shut it down, so I needed to find a new job-- I didn't want a gap on my resume. The place where I landed happened to be a fantastic opportunity for me-- the "ramping up" was not necessarily intentional. I do have some flexibility in that I can come and go as I please, and no one gives me a hard time about being out for an event at my kid's school, a doctor's appointment, etc. Telecommuting is not part of our office culture, though, so people only do it on an as-needed basis (plumber is coming today, waiting for a delivery, etc.).

I'm sure I made my husband sound like a jerk, but he is actually a pretty great and thoughtful spouse. My health issues were previously not a big deal/were under control, so these are more recent developments. I think he would support me staying home for a year-- we have even discussed the idea of him being the one to stay home for a year or two, until our youngest is in kindergarten. My biggest concern with taking a year off is that it might be difficult for me to re-enter the workforce considering that I'm on a new career path (it will be 2 years in March).

Use your flexibility to take some time for yourself. Massage, acupuncture, exercise during the week over your lunch break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not helpful, as hindsight is 20/20, but why did you decide to ramp up at work with such young children?

During the daycare years, I was really conscious about keeping the job that gave me the flexibility I needed.

Frankly, and I know this is also not helpful, but your husband sounds like a jerk. I'd say the same if the shoe were on the other foot and he were dealing with health crap while you expected him to continue to work.

You need to think about the long game and build your life accordingly. Keep in mind that you are likely to feel overwhelmed during the elementary school years as well - homework you'll have to help your kids with after a long day, sports practices, weekend games, carpools, other non-sport activities, and so on. It is not uncommon for there to be 12+ snow days called by FCPS. I know quite a few families that had to get an au pair or hire a nanny for elementary aged kids for these reasons.

OP here, and I used to own a business. For a variety of reasons, it was time to shut it down, so I needed to find a new job-- I didn't want a gap on my resume. The place where I landed happened to be a fantastic opportunity for me-- the "ramping up" was not necessarily intentional. I do have some flexibility in that I can come and go as I please, and no one gives me a hard time about being out for an event at my kid's school, a doctor's appointment, etc. Telecommuting is not part of our office culture, though, so people only do it on an as-needed basis (plumber is coming today, waiting for a delivery, etc.).

I'm sure I made my husband sound like a jerk, but he is actually a pretty great and thoughtful spouse. My health issues were previously not a big deal/were under control, so these are more recent developments. I think he would support me staying home for a year-- we have even discussed the idea of him being the one to stay home for a year or two, until our youngest is in kindergarten. My biggest concern with taking a year off is that it might be difficult for me to re-enter the workforce considering that I'm on a new career path (it will be 2 years in March).

I know you think your husband is great, but he seems really inflexible. Note that when you talked about him taking time off work you were considering “a year or two” Now, when you’re the one having health issues and feeling overwhelmed it’s “he does want the pressure of being the breadwinner” and “maybe he would be okay with it for a year”

I’m sorry, he just doesn’t sound like a great husband. Everything else is putting lipstick on a pig.

OP here, and it's okay if you think that. These were all part of various brainstorming conversations that DH and I have had. He knows that *I* haven't wanted to leave my job because I'm on a good track, and I feel that leaving now would be detrimental to my career. So we explored the idea of him bridging the gap for a year or two until our youngest starts full-time school. I never asked DH if he would be okay with me staying home full-time, and he didn't bring it up as not to pressure me because of the feared career death. My DH is the kind of husband who went and got a vasectomy, even though I could have easily had a tubal ligation (I needed a c-section anyway), because he didn't want me to be pressured to get the tubal... he wanted me to be able to decide on my own.

If I tell him I need to quit working for awhile to focus on my health, he would 100% be on board with that. My comment about him not wanting to be the sole breadwinner is a feeling he expressed several years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not helpful, as hindsight is 20/20, but why did you decide to ramp up at work with such young children?

During the daycare years, I was really conscious about keeping the job that gave me the flexibility I needed.

Frankly, and I know this is also not helpful, but your husband sounds like a jerk. I'd say the same if the shoe were on the other foot and he were dealing with health crap while you expected him to continue to work.

You need to think about the long game and build your life accordingly. Keep in mind that you are likely to feel overwhelmed during the elementary school years as well - homework you'll have to help your kids with after a long day, sports practices, weekend games, carpools, other non-sport activities, and so on. It is not uncommon for there to be 12+ snow days called by FCPS. I know quite a few families that had to get an au pair or hire a nanny for elementary aged kids for these reasons.

OP here, and I used to own a business. For a variety of reasons, it was time to shut it down, so I needed to find a new job-- I didn't want a gap on my resume. The place where I landed happened to be a fantastic opportunity for me-- the "ramping up" was not necessarily intentional. I do have some flexibility in that I can come and go as I please, and no one gives me a hard time about being out for an event at my kid's school, a doctor's appointment, etc. Telecommuting is not part of our office culture, though, so people only do it on an as-needed basis (plumber is coming today, waiting for a delivery, etc.).

I'm sure I made my husband sound like a jerk, but he is actually a pretty great and thoughtful spouse. My health issues were previously not a big deal/were under control, so these are more recent developments. I think he would support me staying home for a year-- we have even discussed the idea of him being the one to stay home for a year or two, until our youngest is in kindergarten. My biggest concern with taking a year off is that it might be difficult for me to re-enter the workforce considering that I'm on a new career path (it will be 2 years in March).

Use your flexibility to take some time for yourself. Massage, acupuncture, exercise during the week over your lunch break.

OP here and I need to be better about doing this. Once I'm in the office, it is so hard to pull myself away because there is so much to do.

How do people pull off the lunch break work out? I don't normally even take a lunch break, but I could start. It would be 10 minutes to change and get to the gym, 30-45 minutes to workout, so we are at 40-55 minutes already. That leaves 5-20 minutes to shower, make myself presentable, and then get back to work. I just don't see how that's possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP, do take a break. You need it. Your health and well being is more important
then one year of income. At one point you will look back and be glad you did
because sometimes what you loose is more then the income can make up for.

This, exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm feeling so burned out from parenting, work, and everything else that life entails. I used to run my own business, but two years ago I made a change and went back to the corporate world, on a new(ish) career track. I love my job, and I feel like taking even a 1-year break would make re-entry very difficult since I'm on this new track. Also, if my current company meets its growth goals, it will be an amazing opportunity for my career.

However, in the past two years I have gained a ton of weight (less time/flexibility to work out and cook, which exacerbates a medical condition I have that makes me gain weight). I just really want to take a year off and get my shit together.

I make 95k and DH makes 140k. We own our home, no mortgage. Kids are 5 and 2.

I just need a break.

Your children need you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I cannot believe what I read here. Women wanting to throw away their careers so they can...catch up on laundry and dishes? Organize a closet of paperwork? Ladies, COME ON! Put aside a few thousand dollars a year and hire someone. There are plenty of morning housekeepers who can keep the house under control. And for those papers- hire an organizer. Recognize that 1) you cannot do it all yourself and 2) just bc you cannot do it all yourself you don’t have to quit. Hire someone. Hire more help than you think you need.

You are completely missing the point. There comes a time in some people's lives when the career stops being meaningful and fulfilling and instead is an albatross that slowly destroys the family. At that point you aren't "throwing away" a career, you are killing the albatross and reclaiming your life.

Yes! This person gets it! Yes. "Throwing away careers!!!!" is a 22 yr old's answer (or someone with the maturity equiv). Honesty about about how once-loved careers can become empty and cancerous to the point that big unexpected changes need to be made -- welcome to 40 yrs old. And yes, it is about reclaiming your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I cannot believe what I read here. Women wanting to throw away their careers so they can...catch up on laundry and dishes? Organize a closet of paperwork? Ladies, COME ON! Put aside a few thousand dollars a year and hire someone. There are plenty of morning housekeepers who can keep the house under control. And for those papers- hire an organizer. Recognize that 1) you cannot do it all yourself and 2) just bc you cannot do it all yourself you don’t have to quit. Hire someone. Hire more help than you think you need.

You are completely missing the point. There comes a time in some people's lives when the career stops being meaningful and fulfilling and instead is an albatross that slowly destroys the family. At that point you aren't "throwing away" a career, you are killing the albatross and reclaiming your life.

I feel seen.

[Anonymous]

You sound burnt out OP, which is totally understandable!

I always recommend smaller changes before you feel you need to full out quit your job. For you what may make sense is:

1. Take a couple of weeks off. Unpaid if needed (cheaper to do that then quit!). Allow yourself to hang out, work out, go to therapy.

2. Figure out how to incorporate workouts into your life. Lunch breaks, or maybe a Peloton.

[Anonymous]

I'm the "hire help" poster and I think you guys are nuts. How many of you have actually stayed home with young kids? How many of you have given up being an equal earner in a household to say home with young kids? I have - and nothing is this simple. The working partner has expectations when they become the sole breadwinner. Even the most supportive spouse is going to expect that the OP ramp up the cooking and the housework. There's an inherent imbalance that takes place when one partner stops contributing financially. That's why staying at home is hard work - you know you are supposed to be doing stuff at home, but unless the partners have a clear discussion about expectations, the partners have different expectations ,and that can lead to conflict. It is also very jarring to go from having your own money to not having your own money, and that is a big transition. You have a flexible job OP. Don't trade one set of problems for another. Get someone to come and help you with the daily load but please don't give up your career and your independence just because you feel burned out .