Why the insistence on 24/7 togetherness during visits?

[Anonymous]

This is exactly the situation with DH's family and is exactly the reason why they're not invited to come visit over winter break. I'm a teacher and need the break and it's not a break with someone who considers it to be rude if I'm not sitting in the same room with them at all times. Then even though we've discussed it in advance, DH gets in on the action and starts calling me out as well when I go upstairs to fold laundry or go out for a walk. I'm not spending my much needed break held hostage in my own home and then also having to clear the kids' schedule completely so that they can sit in the house with them. Last time they were here I took DS to a good friend's birthday party and got texts and phone calls 1.5 hours after we left (to a venue 20 minutes from our house) to find out when we would be home because we had been gone for a long time. and MIL wanted to spend that time with DS. MIL also expected that we would have declined the invitation since she was visiting. Um, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are like this. I am an only child, so they are used to being together as the 3 of us all the time.

My husband has siblings so his family splits up to do different things in small groups - but also no one can ever be alone. If you try to go for a run or grab something from the grocery store, it is rude not to ask if someone wants to join you. Thankfully they also have a tradition on visits and vacation they call “library time” where people retreat to read books, go for a walk or do a quiet activity after lunch for a few hours until it’s time to get ready for dinner. This is amazing since it coordinates with kid nap time.

My InLaws are the exact same way. My first visit with them in NJ was ten hours long (should have been my first clue). We went to pick up lunch at Panera and got a call asking what was taking so long. Later, I went to the bathroom and had people knocking on the door asking what I was doing. Then DH and I said we were going to Target. Eight people stood up and announced they were joining us. (How does that even work? Do we park together? Do we all buy tampons together?) Six hours later, when I couldn’t take it anymore, I announced I was going jogging (while wearing a cashmere sweater and heeled boots). Obese MIL stood up and announced she would go jogging too. It was 10 pm. DH and I now have strategies for some quiet and alone time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly the situation with DH's family and is exactly the reason why they're not invited to come visit over winter break. I'm a teacher and need the break and it's not a break with someone who considers it to be rude if I'm not sitting in the same room with them at all times. Then even though we've discussed it in advance, DH gets in on the action and starts calling me out as well when I go upstairs to fold laundry or go out for a walk. I'm not spending my much needed break held hostage in my own home and then also having to clear the kids' schedule completely so that they can sit in the house with them. Last time they were here I took DS to a good friend's birthday party and got texts and phone calls 1.5 hours after we left (to a venue 20 minutes from our house) to find out when we would be home because we had been gone for a long time. and MIL wanted to spend that time with DS. MIL also expected that we would have declined the invitation since she was visiting. Um, no.

Sounds like my in laws. They expect that our lives basically stop when they visit. If DS has a sports game scheduled they will attend but will expect that DS doesn't spend any time after the game socializing with teammates (i.e. eating a snack and running around for a few minutes). They monopolize his attention any time he's not actually on the field and get upset if they feel like he's ignoring them (he's focusing on the game, not them). It's always very uncomfortable when they visit and they think I'm rude for having a scheduled doctor appointment. I, too, get phone calls when I've been gone to find out where I am and when I'll be back. It's like I'm on the shortest leash ever. It's stifling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are like this. I am an only child, so they are used to being together as the 3 of us all the time.

My husband has siblings so his family splits up to do different things in small groups - but also no one can ever be alone. If you try to go for a run or grab something from the grocery store, it is rude not to ask if someone wants to join you. Thankfully they also have a tradition on visits and vacation they call “library time” where people retreat to read books, go for a walk or do a quiet activity after lunch for a few hours until it’s time to get ready for dinner. This is amazing since it coordinates with kid nap time.

My InLaws are the exact same way. My first visit with them in NJ was ten hours long (should have been my first clue). We went to pick up lunch at Panera and got a call asking what was taking so long. Later, I went to the bathroom and had people knocking on the door asking what I was doing. Then DH and I said we were going to Target. Eight people stood up and announced they were joining us. (How does that even work? Do we park together? Do we all buy tampons together?) Six hours later, when I couldn’t take it anymore, I announced I was going jogging (while wearing a cashmere sweater and heeled boots). Obese MIL stood up and announced she would go jogging too. It was 10 pm. DH and I now have strategies for some quiet and alone time.

I know this must have been horrid to live through, but your post is giving me life. So funny!

[Anonymous]

My in-laws have a 2 bedroom rancher so we’re definitely together 24/7. When the kids nap I try to relax on the couch but instead have to make conversation. We’re just always together. And it’s often icy and snowy outside so we can’t go out. It’s like a marathon of togetherness. I go to bed at 9pm nightly (when I’m sure the kids are asleep in their cots in my room)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are like this. I am an only child, so they are used to being together as the 3 of us all the time.

My husband has siblings so his family splits up to do different things in small groups - but also no one can ever be alone. If you try to go for a run or grab something from the grocery store, it is rude not to ask if someone wants to join you. Thankfully they also have a tradition on visits and vacation they call “library time” where people retreat to read books, go for a walk or do a quiet activity after lunch for a few hours until it’s time to get ready for dinner. This is amazing since it coordinates with kid nap time.

My InLaws are the exact same way. My first visit with them in NJ was ten hours long (should have been my first clue). We went to pick up lunch at Panera and got a call asking what was taking so long. Later, I went to the bathroom and had people knocking on the door asking what I was doing. Then DH and I said we were going to Target. Eight people stood up and announced they were joining us. (How does that even work? Do we park together? Do we all buy tampons together?) Six hours later, when I couldn’t take it anymore, I announced I was going jogging (while wearing a cashmere sweater and heeled boots). Obese MIL stood up and announced she would go jogging too. It was 10 pm. DH and I now have strategies for some quiet and alone time.

I know this must have been horrid to live through, but your post is giving me life. So funny!

Glad you enjoyed! I can look back on it with humor now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This must be a flyover country situation

OP here. My IL's home is in Saddle River, NJ. Any other bright thoughts you'd like to share?

God help saddle river.

Op, one day you will be older and a little forgetful and ask where’s Jim? Except if you stay on the mean spirited path you’re on now, you’ll be saying it to an empty room.

Wow. Projecting much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly the situation with DH's family and is exactly the reason why they're not invited to come visit over winter break. I'm a teacher and need the break and it's not a break with someone who considers it to be rude if I'm not sitting in the same room with them at all times. Then even though we've discussed it in advance, DH gets in on the action and starts calling me out as well when I go upstairs to fold laundry or go out for a walk. I'm not spending my much needed break held hostage in my own home and then also having to clear the kids' schedule completely so that they can sit in the house with them. Last time they were here I took DS to a good friend's birthday party and got texts and phone calls 1.5 hours after we left (to a venue 20 minutes from our house) to find out when we would be home because we had been gone for a long time. and MIL wanted to spend that time with DS. MIL also expected that we would have declined the invitation since she was visiting. Um, no.

Sounds like my in laws. They expect that our lives basically stop when they visit. If DS has a sports game scheduled they will attend but will expect that DS doesn't spend any time after the game socializing with teammates (i.e. eating a snack and running around for a few minutes). They monopolize his attention any time he's not actually on the field and get upset if they feel like he's ignoring them (he's focusing on the game, not them). It's always very uncomfortable when they visit and they think I'm rude for having a scheduled doctor appointment. I, too, get phone calls when I've been gone to find out where I am and when I'll be back. It's like I'm on the shortest leash ever. It's stifling.

This is my mother. This is how she was my entire teenage years and why I got an off campus apartment sophomore year so I never had to go home. She left today after 4 days and anytime I left the room she was in she would shout my name to see where I was and accuse me of being rude. Even if it was helping my 3 or 5 year old with something. I'm exhausted today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly the situation with DH's family and is exactly the reason why they're not invited to come visit over winter break. I'm a teacher and need the break and it's not a break with someone who considers it to be rude if I'm not sitting in the same room with them at all times. Then even though we've discussed it in advance, DH gets in on the action and starts calling me out as well when I go upstairs to fold laundry or go out for a walk. I'm not spending my much needed break held hostage in my own home and then also having to clear the kids' schedule completely so that they can sit in the house with them. Last time they were here I took DS to a good friend's birthday party and got texts and phone calls 1.5 hours after we left (to a venue 20 minutes from our house) to find out when we would be home because we had been gone for a long time. and MIL wanted to spend that time with DS. MIL also expected that we would have declined the invitation since she was visiting. Um, no.

Sounds like my in laws. They expect that our lives basically stop when they visit. If DS has a sports game scheduled they will attend but will expect that DS doesn't spend any time after the game socializing with teammates (i.e. eating a snack and running around for a few minutes). They monopolize his attention any time he's not actually on the field and get upset if they feel like he's ignoring them (he's focusing on the game, not them). It's always very uncomfortable when they visit and they think I'm rude for having a scheduled doctor appointment. I, too, get phone calls when I've been gone to find out where I am and when I'll be back. It's like I'm on the shortest leash ever. It's stifling.

This is my mother. This is how she was my entire teenage years and why I got an off campus apartment sophomore year so I never had to go home. She left today after 4 days and anytime I left the room she was in she would shout my name to see where I was and accuse me of being rude. Even if it was helping my 3 or 5 year old with something. I'm exhausted today.

Haha, are you me? I also did the same thing sophomore year. My parents are still local so visits are only a few hours long which is manageable. But when MIL stays with us it's just unrelenting and I can't escape in my own house. -PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs think I'm rude because I occasionally nap, run an errand, or take a walk for some alone time. During multi-day visits.

I think people don't know how to be hosts or have guests.

When I did not know how to be a host, I thought I had to keep my guest busy every minute lest she become bored. I would not have thought her rude to take time for herself...rather, I thought I was being a good host with all the busy-ness. I learned how to do better over time. But I wonder if some folks do not learn.

[Anonymous]

Same with my MIL. Even worse, she just likes to sit there and stare at you. She doesn't think it's a visit unless you're literally sitting in her living room being stared at. It doesn't matter if you meet somewhere in the middle for a vacation with her; if it's not in her house, it doesn't count and then she can bitch about how long it's been since you've come home.

I exclusively pumped for one of my kids and the only redeeming quality was that it gave me much needed 30 min pumping breaks from her.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Last trip to my in laws, MIL kept making passive aggressive comments about my constant “hiding from the family” SO I COULD BREASTFEED. Sorry I dont want to nurse in front of my incredibly creepy FIL and teenaged nephews. And yes, she does follow people all the way to the bathroom and talk to them the whole time they are in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are like this. I am an only child, so they are used to being together as the 3 of us all the time.

My husband has siblings so his family splits up to do different things in small groups - but also no one can ever be alone. If you try to go for a run or grab something from the grocery store, it is rude not to ask if someone wants to join you. Thankfully they also have a tradition on visits and vacation they call “library time” where people retreat to read books, go for a walk or do a quiet activity after lunch for a few hours until it’s time to get ready for dinner. This is amazing since it coordinates with kid nap time.

My InLaws are the exact same way. My first visit with them in NJ was ten hours long (should have been my first clue). We went to pick up lunch at Panera and got a call asking what was taking so long. Later, I went to the bathroom and had people knocking on the door asking what I was doing. Then DH and I said we were going to Target. Eight people stood up and announced they were joining us. (How does that even work? Do we park together? Do we all buy tampons together?) Six hours later, when I couldn’t take it anymore, I announced I was going jogging (while wearing a cashmere sweater and heeled boots). Obese MIL stood up and announced she would go jogging too. It was 10 pm. DH and I now have strategies for some quiet and alone time.

You have to finish this story! Did you end up fake jogging with MIL, or did you make an excuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are like this. I am an only child, so they are used to being together as the 3 of us all the time.

My husband has siblings so his family splits up to do different things in small groups - but also no one can ever be alone. If you try to go for a run or grab something from the grocery store, it is rude not to ask if someone wants to join you. Thankfully they also have a tradition on visits and vacation they call “library time” where people retreat to read books, go for a walk or do a quiet activity after lunch for a few hours until it’s time to get ready for dinner. This is amazing since it coordinates with kid nap time.

My InLaws are the exact same way. My first visit with them in NJ was ten hours long (should have been my first clue). We went to pick up lunch at Panera and got a call asking what was taking so long. Later, I went to the bathroom and had people knocking on the door asking what I was doing. Then DH and I said we were going to Target. Eight people stood up and announced they were joining us. (How does that even work? Do we park together? Do we all buy tampons together?) Six hours later, when I couldn’t take it anymore, I announced I was going jogging (while wearing a cashmere sweater and heeled boots). Obese MIL stood up and announced she would go jogging too. It was 10 pm. DH and I now have strategies for some quiet and alone time.

You have to finish this story! Did you end up fake jogging with MIL, or did you make an excuse?

Share your strategies!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are like this. I am an only child, so they are used to being together as the 3 of us all the time.

My husband has siblings so his family splits up to do different things in small groups - but also no one can ever be alone. If you try to go for a run or grab something from the grocery store, it is rude not to ask if someone wants to join you. Thankfully they also have a tradition on visits and vacation they call “library time” where people retreat to read books, go for a walk or do a quiet activity after lunch for a few hours until it’s time to get ready for dinner. This is amazing since it coordinates with kid nap time.

My InLaws are the exact same way. My first visit with them in NJ was ten hours long (should have been my first clue). We went to pick up lunch at Panera and got a call asking what was taking so long. Later, I went to the bathroom and had people knocking on the door asking what I was doing. Then DH and I said we were going to Target. Eight people stood up and announced they were joining us. (How does that even work? Do we park together? Do we all buy tampons together?) Six hours later, when I couldn’t take it anymore, I announced I was going jogging (while wearing a cashmere sweater and heeled boots). Obese MIL stood up and announced she would go jogging too. It was 10 pm. DH and I now have strategies for some quiet and alone time.

You have to finish this story! Did you end up fake jogging with MIL, or did you make an excuse?

LOL. I don’t even jog. I have so many stories with MIL. Once she pinned me against a wall in Target with my own cart. She wanted to help me get the curtains off the rack. With both of us holding the same package and placing it in the cart together.

On the night referenced above (which I later realized was closer to twelve hours, not ten), after I announced I was going jogging in a cashmere sweater, heeled boots, an Ann Taylor coat, and it was fifteen degrees...and she announced she was joining me, I looked at my new fiancé in panic. He intervened and told MIL I needed some time alone. That was met with perplexed looks. I walked to Hot and Crusty (24 hour bakery in NYC) and sat at a table and cried while I tried to figure out why I was so stressed. They were nice people who just wanted to get to know me. But I felt like I was being smothered. I’ve never had someone follow me to a bathroom before. My own family, crazy as they are, understands alone time. DH’s family does not. After an hour or so, my fiancée (now DH) called and begged me to return because his parents thought we were having problems. I returned home, we went to bed, and the next morning was filled with the chaos of our parents meeting. So busy busy and then they left. Meeting his brother was just as insane in a completely different way. God I’m remembering so many boundary fails and WTF moments right now.

My strategies now are to “rest” a lot in my room. SIL told me MIL does not understand alone time, but she understands resting. So I rest a lot (with a book, my phone, etc). I also have a lot of vague meetings and appointments out of the house, although that gets dicey because MIL tries to look at my phone (it must always be on my person) and asks leading questions about my appointments. Basically, she has no concept of privacy. I have tried to rise above it and go to my zen place because I think she’s mostly well-intentioned, she’s just crazy.