Reply to Why the insistence on 24/7 togetherness during visits?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My parents are like this. I am an only child, so they are used to being together as the 3 of us all the time.

My husband has siblings so his family splits up to do different things in small groups - but also no one can ever be alone. If you try to go for a run or grab something from the grocery store, it is rude not to ask if someone wants to join you. Thankfully they also have a tradition on visits and vacation they call “library time” where people retreat to read books, go for a walk or do a quiet activity after lunch for a few hours until it’s time to get ready for dinner. This is amazing since it coordinates with kid nap time. [/quote]

My InLaws are the exact same way. My first visit with them in NJ was ten hours long (should have been my first clue). We went to pick up lunch at Panera and got a call asking what was taking so long. Later, I went to the bathroom and had people knocking on the door asking what I was doing. Then DH and I said we were going to Target. Eight people stood up and announced they were joining us. (How does that even work? Do we park together? Do we all buy tampons together?) Six hours later, when I couldn’t take it anymore, I announced I was going jogging (while wearing a cashmere sweater and heeled boots). Obese MIL stood up and announced she would go jogging too. It was 10 pm. DH and I now have strategies for some quiet and alone time. [/quote]

You have to finish this story! Did you end up fake jogging with MIL, or did you make an excuse?[/quote]

LOL. I don’t even jog. I have so many stories with MIL. Once she pinned me against a wall in Target with my own cart. She wanted to help me get the curtains off the rack. With both of us holding the same package and placing it in the cart together.

On the night referenced above (which I later realized was closer to twelve hours, not ten), after I announced I was going jogging in a cashmere sweater, heeled boots, an Ann Taylor coat, and it was fifteen degrees...and she announced she was joining me, I looked at my new fiancé in panic. He intervened and told MIL I needed some time alone. That was met with perplexed looks. I walked to Hot and Crusty (24 hour bakery in NYC) and sat at a table and cried while I tried to figure out why I was so stressed. They were nice people who just wanted to get to know me. But I felt like I was being smothered. I’ve never had someone follow me to a bathroom before. My own family, crazy as they are, understands alone time. DH’s family does not. After an hour or so, my fiancée (now DH) called and begged me to return because his parents thought we were having problems. I returned home, we went to bed, and the next morning was filled with the chaos of our parents meeting. So busy busy and then they left. Meeting his brother was just as insane in a completely different way. God I’m remembering so many boundary fails and WTF moments right now.

My strategies now are to “rest” a lot in my room. SIL told me MIL does not understand alone time, but she understands resting. So I rest a lot (with a book, my phone, etc). I also have a lot of vague meetings and appointments out of the house, although that gets dicey because MIL tries to look at my phone (it must always be on my person) and asks leading questions about my appointments. Basically, she has no concept of privacy. I have tried to rise above it and go to my zen place because I think she’s mostly well-intentioned, she’s just crazy. [/quote]

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