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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Please say something!

I married my husband with severe ADHD (and perhaps Asperger's). At the time we didn't know he was afflicted with these things, and he was relatively functional with terminal degrees. He has a high IQ and this masked many of his issues for a long time.

The problem is that with the addition of more responsibilities (children, mortgage, house maintenance, health issues), he has been consistently under-employed or frequently unemployed, even though there are jobs in his field. He cannot multitask, finish by the deadline, he continually forgets items and gets angry if any of these things are pointed out. Despite a diagnosis, he refuses meds. He has become very stubborn and is occasionally abusive, irrational and hyper-controlling. One of our children has severe ADHD as well and it significantly impacts his education and daily life.

Please do your research on ADHD, and present them to your sister. She cannot "save" or "change" him, especially if he refuses to medicate himself or change his behaviors. And more importantly, he will just get WORSE as they try to build a life together, because he will not be able to manage the burden of a household.

Have her read my post. I am deadly serious. No wedding for now, and for goodness' sake, no children!

[/quote]

This is spot on. OP, you need to decide whether it's better to risk harming your relationship with your sister by saying something vs. not saying something. There's a risk either way and only you know your relationship with her.

My husband and I both have ADHD, but my husband frequently refuses to get on board with the systems I try to put in place so our lives with our three children (2 with SN including ADHD) can function. We both have decent jobs though so that enables us to spend money on a weekly cleaning service and other supports. But without very consistent processes (key to helping ADHD kids function), the whole family falls apart. Parenting kids with ADHD, a hereditary disease, is a serious part-time job to learn about it at each phase, determine supports by trial and error, and advocate for your kids. I can only imagine the seething resentment your sister will one day feel if they have kids and now she's stretched between being the bread winner, doing the bulk of parenting for kids (who might have ADHD), and also caring for her husband who refuses to grow up.

This guy sounds like a bad bet. If he can't hold down a regular job, then he won't be a good stay at home parent. It takes discipline and multi-tasking to do it right if you don't also have lots of extra cash for nannies, house cleaners, etc. How would she feel if she comes home from work where she's already stressed because she's the only earner, and the house is a mess, the kids weren't fed nutritious meals, dinner isn't made, and homework isn't done? So now she has another part-time job when she gets home while her husband's only accomplishment was taking the kids to the park and oh he bought some expensive gadget for himself so now they can't afford gymnastics and snow boots for the kids.

The biggest issue I see with her fiance is his refusal to get help. BTW ADHD can sometimes be only part of the diagnosis, and it sounds like maybe something else is going on here with the impulse purchases and others supporting his living expenses. It's likely no accident that he dates a younger co-ed rather than a mature woman who would see right through him.

If it was me, I would want someone to say something once FWIW. Good luck and I'm so sorry for this situation.[/quote]

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