Please tell me your experience if you found out you were pregnant at 43

[Anonymous]

I would not abort my children's sibling.

Which is why I use birth control.

[Anonymous]

OP, we have three (8, 6, and 3), and I'm your age. If we had an unintended pregnancy, we would almost certainly terminate. I already feel like I'm drowning and we have a lot going for us. Much as the symmetry of four sounds lovely, I think a fourth would break me. Most likely, DH would have to quit his reasonable fed job and work a ton of hours to make way more money, because I don't think I could continue to work (at my reasonable fed job) with four kids. And I love my work and am great at it. But, just, no.

[Anonymous]

Op here.

My husband has wanted to get a vasectomy for many years. I was the one holding him back because I wasn’t ready to close the door completely. My desire to continue having children is a very strong one. He gave me the space and time to come to that decision, which I was just about to get to, when this happened. I know. Irony.

I feel like proceeding would be selfish because I’m the only one who truly wanted another child. We have always very much planned and wanted each child. My husband was on the fence for #3, and I waited until he was ready. DH would go with it if I decided to continue, but we are 100% partners and it doesn’t feel fair to him. I feel the marriage would suffer and ultimately our ability to parent our existing children would suffer, too. Could we do it? Yes. Would it seriously alter our and our kids’ quality of life? Absolutely.

Last night, after long conversation with DH, I tossed and turned and really thought about how a miscarriage would be the best outcome. And then I realized that is a horrible thing to wish for and if I truly wanted that outcome, then it’s best to terminate while it’s the size of a poppy seed and has no heartbeat.

I went to Planned Parenthood today, with my husband, and took the progesterone-blocking pill. In a few days, I’ll take the pills to spur my period. They were the most professional providers I could hope for. They also gave me several chances to change my mind and kept saying it would not be a problem if I just left. They couldn’t find anything on the ultrasound. Not one sign of the cells or sac. It’s just so early, which gives me peace of mind. Perhaps at my age, it wasn’t going to take anyway.

Finally, to be clear, this is something I *never* thought I would do, but I also know it’s the best decision I can make if I take in account my family’s well being. I also feel responsible because I ignored my husband’s plea to use birth control because I just wasn’t ready. I have certainly learned a lot from this experience. I also understand even more acutely that termination is never easy, even when it’s the right decision for multiple reasons. And I am thankful that women still have choices to do what’s best for them and their family. I can’t imagine also navigating red tape while in the middle of this emotional dilemma. (I’m not trying to make it political, just see the nuance of this issue even more keenly.)

Thanks for listening and for the support.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry. I would be majorly conflicted.

49 and still getting regular periods/ovulating and have a relative that had a 'oops' healthy pregnancy at this age. OMG, right?

I have an 11-year old and a 14-year old and the thought of starting all over again from infancy is awful. I never would want to go through all of that again---as much as I enjoyed it at the time. Never, never, never.

There is a mom I know with kids my age that is due with third baby any day now and I have to fake a happy smile because I just keep thinking for myself how much it would suck to start at ground level again.

When you get to your 40s you might have late periods or even early periods. Hormones start getting whacky. There are a lot of false pregnancies in this age group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry. I would be majorly conflicted.

49 and still getting regular periods/ovulating and have a relative that had a 'oops' healthy pregnancy at this age. OMG, right?

I have an 11-year old and a 14-year old and the thought of starting all over again from infancy is awful. I never would want to go through all of that again---as much as I enjoyed it at the time. Never, never, never.

There is a mom I know with kids my age that is due with third baby any day now and I have to fake a happy smile because I just keep thinking for myself how much it would suck to start at ground level again.

When you get to your 40s you might have late periods or even early periods. Hormones start getting whacky. There are a lot of false pregnancies in this age group.

*kids my kids' ages....dear god, not my age ha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had some helpful advice. All I can offer is my perspective as the 51 year old mother of three kids -- 17 (senior), 14 (9th grade), and 11 (6th grade). Our third was not planned -- we were in disagreement about whether we'd stop with 2 (DH's vote) and whether we should think about a 3rd (my vote). We had a birth control failure and although my husband was initially pole-axed by the news, he got behind the idea of having a third. She is a phenomenal kid and I can't imagine our life without her now.

But.

My husband travels Sunday - Thursday, I work full-time in a challenging professional position, I'm in full-blown perimenopause, and I'm absolutely drowning. Even though I have help from my mom 3-4 days a week, even though I have carpools, even though we have financial (although not unlimited) resources.

It is so. much. work. with older kids. Yes, you usually don't have to worry about them burning the house down or drowning in the bathtub, but between their emotional needs ("little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems") and the executive functioning it requires on my part to make sure they get to appointments, have rides to/from activities, can see their friends who don't live in the neighborhood, and oh by the way right now help my ADHD senior with a plan to choose and apply to colleges, I am underwater more often than not.

And although we make OK money, it wasn't always that way, especially with the times I was not working because it made sense for a variety of reasons to be home with the kids. So now we are facing 12 straight years of kids in college (with two double years) and although we are fortunate to have enough saved to mostly cover state school, we don't have enough to cover any more than that.

I am not saying this to state that you too will have these experiences -- your situation is different from mine. But if I had to go back in time to 39 year old me, I would be brutally honest about both the pros and the cons, and the resource limitations we face as a family. When kids are little, they aren't that much of a marginal additional cost (except for say daycare), but man does that change as they get older, and college is the 600 pound gorilla in the room.

I don't know if I would make a different choice knowing what I know now, but I didn't have the lived experience then I do now. I hear you about being conflicted despite being pro-choice. I have come to view the abortion issue as much more nuanced than either side would like to characterize it to be. If I'd gotten pregnant with #4 (despite the vasectomy DH got), I would have been in the same dilemma you're now in, because my DH would have thrown a fit, but I still would have had a hard time with a decision to have an abortion.

I'm sorry if this is not at all helpful. I guess my tl;dr point is that if at all possible, don't think of yourself right now as a 43 year old new mom. Think of yourself 10 years from now as a 53 year old mom with a 10 year old. Think of yourself as a 61 year old mom with a senior in high school and four more years to go in terms of paying for college. How do you feel about those future selves and what they can handle? If it seems like it's worth it -- and that your DH will get on board -- then go for it. That's not a wrong decision if it's the right decision for you and your family. If it doesn't seem like the right decision to proceed with the pregnancy -- it's 100% fine to make that choice as well.

I wish you all the best.

I thought this was an amazing response. I stopped at 2 even though I always envisioned 3 because I am the youngest of 3 and loved having 2 siblings, but after our second I just knew the way my husband and I deal with chaos and parent---3 was out of the picture. I felt complete after 2--even though I did vacillate for a few years after. I am so glad we only have 2 and they are the best of friends (both boys) and have always gotten along so well. A third sibling would have changed their dynamic and my life would have crumbled over the added responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Had youngest at 41. Pseudo planned / hoped. DD was born healthy and is currently a straight A middle schooler.

[Anonymous]

I think its really crappy of your husband to leave this decision up to you entirely - how dare he suggest that you, and you alone, decide how your family turns out? He's your partner - he needs to be willing to talk this through with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your dh doesn’t want more kids why hasn’t he gotten a vasectomy?

also no response re: were they using birth control?

Why does this matter? I got pregnant on birth control used correctly (diaphragm plus jelly). I know other women who did as well. I know other women who, like certain PP, had had fertility issues so assumed birth control wasn't necessary. In one memorable example, my parents had some younger friends who had triplets with IVF after struggling with infertility for years. Then a year or so later, boom, bonus baby #4 -- I guess the pump had been primed.

But even if OP and her DH weren't using birth control for reasons of their own, that's 100% irrelevant to her decision now.

It sounds like you're asking a nosy, prying question that is absolutely none of your business so you can pass judgment on OP and determine whether -- in your moral view -- she's entitled to an abortion or not. If that's the case, you would benefit from turning that judgmental eye inwards. Whether or not it's your particular faith, let he who is without sin cast the first stone has always rung true to me despite my avowed atheism.

Great response. I <3 you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your dh doesn’t want more kids why hasn’t he gotten a vasectomy?

also no response re: were they using birth control?

Why does this matter? I got pregnant on birth control used correctly (diaphragm plus jelly). I know other women who did as well. I know other women who, like certain PP, had had fertility issues so assumed birth control wasn't necessary. In one memorable example, my parents had some younger friends who had triplets with IVF after struggling with infertility for years. Then a year or so later, boom, bonus baby #4 -- I guess the pump had been primed.

But even if OP and her DH weren't using birth control for reasons of their own, that's 100% irrelevant to her decision now.

It sounds like you're asking a nosy, prying question that is absolutely none of your business so you can pass judgment on OP and determine whether -- in your moral view -- she's entitled to an abortion or not. If that's the case, you would benefit from turning that judgmental eye inwards. Whether or not it's your particular faith, let he who is without sin cast the first stone has always rung true to me despite my avowed atheism.

Great response. I <3 you.

Wrong. Get off your high horse. Abortion rights don't exist so that privileged, educated women can forego birth control (as OP admitted she did). Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I had twins at 44. It’s very hard. I have relatively easy children and it’s still hard. The younger years are actually easier. When they are teens it is very hard. And paying for college in your mid 60s is no joke.

Do you think it would have been easier to pay for college in your 50’s? Your 40’s? Where is this magical land where having LESS time to save is a good thing?

Of course it would have been easier. 40s-50s are top earning years. When you reach 60 even if your health is good most people want to cut back or save for retirement. You don’t know what health surprises are coming mid 50s to mid 60s. There’s always someone saying you could get sick at ANY age. However statistically you are much more likely to encounter illness as you get older. Combining that with college + saving for retirement is a challenge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got pregnant at 44, by then my children were full-grown adults.
(My youngest was 21.)

I was tired.
Raising two kids alone was the toughest thing I have ever endured.
The taste of freedom was the best. thing. ever.

I was going to have an abortion, but my body terminated the pregnancy on its own.
Yes - I had a miscarriage before six weeks.
It was a relief at the time because I felt I had just entered the best stage of my life.
My child rearing years were just done.

You likely will miscarry due to your age.
If you do not, your pregnancy will be in the high risk zone.
You may not carry to term, you may have a baby w/a low birthweight or you may give birth to a child w/birth defects or Down Syndrome.

Is it worth the risk to you?
Also, you will have to sign up for an add’l eighteen plus years of child rearing and will unlikely be able to travel post-kids due to age + finances.

THIS x1000 when we became empty nesters I realized how TIRED we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not abort my children's sibling.

Which is why I use birth control.

Knowing what I know about how pregnancy and the postpartum period affect my mental health, I would absolutely terminate a future pregnancy, if for some reason our birth control failed.

I owe that to the children I have.

[Anonymous]

OP you are a very brave and thoughtful person. It takes courage to make a decision. I don’t think you will regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not abort my children's sibling.

Which is why I use birth control.

All birth control, when used properly, has a failure rate. Even sterilization has a failure rate. The only way to 100% not get pregnant is not to have intercourse.