Please tell me your experience if you found out you were pregnant at 43

[Anonymous]

I have three other children, oldest is 11.

My husband does not want a fourth child but says the decision is ultimately up to me. He is trying not to pressure me.

I’ve always wanted more children but once I was late, I was freaking out. It’s important to me that my husband would be fully on board. Pregnancy test positive, but faintly. I have a history of miscarriages after faint positive pregnancy tests, so not sure it would take. But if I decide to terminate, I want to do it before 6 weeks/heartbeat. Currently 5 days past expected period. So waiting and hoping for a miscarriage feels passive. If I want a miscarriage, why wouldn’t I proactively terminate before it develops more.

I am pro-choice but never thought I would go through it myself. All my other pregnancies were very much planned and hoped for.

I know my husband would really prefer not to go through with the pregnancy because it will take away from our time and resources that we have for our existing children. I completely understand his concerns and they are very valid. Financially, we are just making it by but could sacrifice a lot to make this work. These decisions are very complicated and I would appreciate some perspective and kind advice. Please do not make this political.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Were you using birth control? That changes my answer.

[Anonymous]

Happened to my coworker a while back and she handled it way better than I would have. Her husband was not enthusiastic until baby arrived and I will say they lucked out with a remarkably charming and easy kid.

I respect your decision no matter what you chose and my story may be a less common scenario. my coworker has a pretty "go with the flow" attitude and not everyone is wired like she is or has her unusual energy level.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had some helpful advice. All I can offer is my perspective as the 51 year old mother of three kids -- 17 (senior), 14 (9th grade), and 11 (6th grade). Our third was not planned -- we were in disagreement about whether we'd stop with 2 (DH's vote) and whether we should think about a 3rd (my vote). We had a birth control failure and although my husband was initially pole-axed by the news, he got behind the idea of having a third. She is a phenomenal kid and I can't imagine our life without her now.

But.

My husband travels Sunday - Thursday, I work full-time in a challenging professional position, I'm in full-blown perimenopause, and I'm absolutely drowning. Even though I have help from my mom 3-4 days a week, even though I have carpools, even though we have financial (although not unlimited) resources.

It is so. much. work. with older kids. Yes, you usually don't have to worry about them burning the house down or drowning in the bathtub, but between their emotional needs ("little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems") and the executive functioning it requires on my part to make sure they get to appointments, have rides to/from activities, can see their friends who don't live in the neighborhood, and oh by the way right now help my ADHD senior with a plan to choose and apply to colleges, I am underwater more often than not.

And although we make OK money, it wasn't always that way, especially with the times I was not working because it made sense for a variety of reasons to be home with the kids. So now we are facing 12 straight years of kids in college (with two double years) and although we are fortunate to have enough saved to mostly cover state school, we don't have enough to cover any more than that.

I am not saying this to state that you too will have these experiences -- your situation is different from mine. But if I had to go back in time to 39 year old me, I would be brutally honest about both the pros and the cons, and the resource limitations we face as a family. When kids are little, they aren't that much of a marginal additional cost (except for say daycare), but man does that change as they get older, and college is the 600 pound gorilla in the room.

I don't know if I would make a different choice knowing what I know now, but I didn't have the lived experience then I do now. I hear you about being conflicted despite being pro-choice. I have come to view the abortion issue as much more nuanced than either side would like to characterize it to be. If I'd gotten pregnant with #4 (despite the vasectomy DH got), I would have been in the same dilemma you're now in, because my DH would have thrown a fit, but I still would have had a hard time with a decision to have an abortion.

I'm sorry if this is not at all helpful. I guess my tl;dr point is that if at all possible, don't think of yourself right now as a 43 year old new mom. Think of yourself 10 years from now as a 53 year old mom with a 10 year old. Think of yourself as a 61 year old mom with a senior in high school and four more years to go in terms of paying for college. How do you feel about those future selves and what they can handle? If it seems like it's worth it -- and that your DH will get on board -- then go for it. That's not a wrong decision if it's the right decision for you and your family. If it doesn't seem like the right decision to proceed with the pregnancy -- it's 100% fine to make that choice as well.

I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Had my two at 40 and 45. Yes to the advice to think about the kid at 10 and not as a baby. But if you do want it get to the doc and get yourself some progesterone suppositories and prenatals asap.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you haven’t had betas drawn yet? I don’t know if this would be a positive or a negative for you at this point, but the odds of a miscarriage are fairly high at this point. I had two kids in my 40s, but I also had three miscarriages. The last would have been an unexpected third child, and I was admittedly ambivalent about it.

You may want to get betas done and get a sense of how likely it is the pregnancy will continue.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much to the PP’s. 17:44, thank you for your honesty. Will I resent DH for not supporting my desire to have another child? Will he resent me for forcing him? He is a few years older and sees a 6 year postponement of retirement. How will this impact my other kids’ futures, namely how much they will have to spend on college? I think the selfish thing feels like continuing the pregnancy. I am torn. I remain pro-choice because no one enters this decision lightly. I can’t even imagine how a teenager grapples with these questions. I really appreciate the long term way of viewing this situation.

[Anonymous]

OP I had twins at 44. It’s very hard. I have relatively easy children and it’s still hard. The younger years are actually easier. When they are teens it is very hard. And paying for college in your mid 60s is no joke.

[Anonymous]

I had my youngest at 44. I was young-looking. Now -- not so much. I look like his grandmother. Wouldn't trade it for the world, though. Go for it, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had my youngest at 44. I was young-looking. Now -- not so much. I look like his grandmother. Wouldn't trade it for the world, though. Go for it, OP.

+1 I was a little older with our youngest. He was a complete surprise. I hadn't been on bc for probably 20 years because we had been trying to get pregnant for the first 15 of those. Neither of us would change the experience for the world. The -hardest- part was telling the kids. It was, frankly, a little mortifying since we were at that point much more concerned about one of them NOT getting pregnant. Anyway, his arrival has been a complete blessing and, as our oldest says, it is always nice to get a do-over!

[Anonymous]

I was 42 and I’m 48 now and I’m so exhausted that I can barely function. I wish you luck.

[Anonymous]

I say this to be compassionate: either way could work.
They just both lead to different outcomes.

I had my child at 43 and now (at 62), I cannot retire because I have to pay for her college. Having said that, she keeps me younger and current. I did get a serious illness, but thank god that did not detour us too much.

When I considered having two children (I am single), someone said to me: how comfortable are you with chaos? I am not too comfortable with chaos (after a half lifetime of caring for just me), so I opted to stop at one. You might ask yourself that question. Do you smile when you think of juggling many balls ,and schedules, dogs, normal kid drama...or do you freak out at the thought of being out of control. More kids requires more flexibility, and letting go of perfection. More fun, more love (including for them, when you are gone) but less control over the details, less options for farming out tasks because the money will be spread more thinly.

My point is, your family will likely thrive either way. Good luck with your decision.

[Anonymous]

Odds are you will miscarry, sorry, but odds are odds.

[Anonymous]

I did this - now 50ish and DC is in elementary. Most of the other parents I know in mid- to late-40s. They actually seem way less overwhelmed than the really young moms in the school. You can do it OP. Rise to the occasion dad.

[Anonymous]

My parents had six kids in 7 years and then six years later......surprise when my mother was 40. An abortion was never an option for them so they became old “new” parents but it worked out fine. What was nice was they ended up having many friends 5-10 years younger than them and that was great but they had great genes themselves.