It really isn't about looks, trust me.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe most men feel you are out of their league?
I was told once that I was intimidating because of my looks

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think it's kind of a crap shoot. A lot of people find someone. Some don't. And unfortunately, there is not a lid for every pot and not everyone finds someone. A lot of folks stay single. How happy you are single is partially up to you.

I'm one of those people. I'm 47 and a single parent. I dated a fair amount when I was younger, including several longish relationships. I don't have any weird deal-breakers, but I didn't meet many people who I could see marrying because I couldn't see them holding my interest for a lifetime. I have a lot of friends and I'm not lonely, but it would be nice to have a partner. But other priorities tend to get in the way of finding one. It is hard when you're not model-pretty to meet men naturally in your 40's, and online dating can be time-consuming. (and very discouraging at times, to hear my friends tell it.)

I agree with OP that it's not just about looks. That said, my very attractive friends do have a lot easier time meeting people, but online and in person. So the advantage is there. I don't know you, so I can't say why you are single. I have often thought that certain people should maybe teach a master class on finding/staying in relationships. I have a number of friends who have literally never been single for longer than a month or two, and I feel like there might be something they know that we single people don't know.

[Anonymous]

I'm really glad you are self aware and in therapy, OP. Of course being gorgeous won't ensure you a happy relationship or a happy life. It's easier to attract a first date or a swipe-right on a dating app when you're gorgeous, but that's about as far as it gets you.

I have a friend who is a decade older than you who was and is in your shoes. She hasn't had a long term relationship since our late 20s and can't figure out why. She is gorgeous (slim and fit), fun, stylish and successful in her career. However, she is extremely picky, can be stand-offish to people she has deemed to be uninteresting or not worth her time, and can be very unkind and lash out when angry. She attracts a lot of men but those traits drive ALL her dates away after a few months. She refuses therapy because she feels there's nothing wrong with her and asking her to change is asking her to be "fake" or to "settle". Don't be her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe most men feel you are out of their league?
I was told once that I was intimidating because of my looks

We just say that when we don't actually like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men become interested when you are not available. Quit being available.

This!

No, not this. Don’t be silly.

Yes, this. Men like women to be a bit coy/mysterious.

No, not this. If you are fat, you can be as coy/mysterious as you like and men won't care. If you are not fat, men will be interested whether or not you are coy/mysterious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're missing the point. Looks are necessary but may not be sufficient.

Thin and nice face, but weird = men will approach, may or may not choose to put up with weirdness

Fat and/or ugly face = men are not going to care about her "warm and approachable personality"

Agree

Men won't approach an obese, unkempt woman with cat hair all over her sweatpants, no.

But they will pick the more plain and simple girl next door who is warm and approachable over a self absorbed model, yes.

Nah. That's not about her, that's about him. If he doesn't think he can pull a model, he won't even try. A guy who can actually pull models is not going to pick the plain, simple, "warm and approachable" girl instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really glad you are self aware and in therapy, OP. Of course being gorgeous won't ensure you a happy relationship or a happy life. It's easier to attract a first date or a swipe-right on a dating app when you're gorgeous, but that's about as far as it gets you.

I have a friend who is a decade older than you who was and is in your shoes. She hasn't had a long term relationship since our late 20s and can't figure out why. She is gorgeous (slim and fit), fun, stylish and successful in her career. However, she is extremely picky, can be stand-offish to people she has deemed to be uninteresting or not worth her time, and can be very unkind and lash out when angry. She attracts a lot of men but those traits drive ALL her dates away after a few months. She refuses therapy because she feels there's nothing wrong with her and asking her to change is asking her to be "fake" or to "settle". Don't be her.

Every woman I know who is in her late 30s or early 40s and still single is extremely picky. They demand a 9 when they are more like a 5. I’ve heard them criticize guys for having roommates, being short, not a good enough job etc. This coming from women who have their own flaws such as being slightly chubby, normal job (not high earning), studio apartment etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are your niche interests?

I think you’re right that you probably do have high functioning autism. It was rarely diagnosed in girls of our generation.

My DH and DS both have it. The writing style was making me think of them before she even told her suspicions of ASD. OP, instead of generic therapy, why not have an evaluation for ASD? Then you’ll know and you can get the specific help and guidance you need.

What is it about the writing style?

[Anonymous]

Model looks aren't the same as conventionally attractive looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really glad you are self aware and in therapy, OP. Of course being gorgeous won't ensure you a happy relationship or a happy life. It's easier to attract a first date or a swipe-right on a dating app when you're gorgeous, but that's about as far as it gets you.

I have a friend who is a decade older than you who was and is in your shoes. She hasn't had a long term relationship since our late 20s and can't figure out why. She is gorgeous (slim and fit), fun, stylish and successful in her career. However, she is extremely picky, can be stand-offish to people she has deemed to be uninteresting or not worth her time, and can be very unkind and lash out when angry. She attracts a lot of men but those traits drive ALL her dates away after a few months. She refuses therapy because she feels there's nothing wrong with her and asking her to change is asking her to be "fake" or to "settle". Don't be her.

Every woman I know who is in her late 30s or early 40s and still single is extremely picky. They demand a 9 when they are more like a 5. I’ve heard them criticize guys for having roommates, being short, not a good enough job etc. This coming from women who have their own flaws such as being slightly chubby, normal job (not high earning), studio apartment etc.

Social media has given women absurdly overinflated ideas of their own worth and attractiveness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are very judgmental.

Pot calling the kettle black.

At least this pot is happily married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are your niche interests?

I think you’re right that you probably do have high functioning autism. It was rarely diagnosed in girls of our generation.

My DH and DS both have it. The writing style was making me think of them before she even told her suspicions of ASD. OP, instead of generic therapy, why not have an evaluation for ASD? Then you’ll know and you can get the specific help and guidance you need.

What is it about the writing style?

I can’t put my finger on it. It’s matter of fact and while it’s an emotional topic (op seems sad not to have a partner), the post is more about analyzing the situation than showing feelings about it. I definitely got a vibe (and I admit to projecting here) of her perceptions of the situation being the only possible logical interpretation of what’s happening, because that’s how she experienced it and that’s that. I don’t mean that in a negative way, it’s just how DS and DH handle social interactions. They’ll tell me a story about how they were wronged or insulted, and it turns out to be them missing social cues leading up to the slight, or them misinterpreting a situation where there was no slight intended. Also the content reinforced my perception because she talked about having obscure interests and becoming obsessed. I know it’s a bit of a leap, but I could seriously imagine DH or DS telling a story about how they followed all the rules (being pretty in OP’s case) and still no one wants to play with them (or have a long term relationship with OP).

That’s why I recommended trying to get a diagnosis and specific therapies to help. DS is in a social skills class for his age group that’s specifically to help with interactions at school with his peers. It helps. For people with HFA, social skills are skills that can be practiced and improved, much like playing the piano requires practice. It’ll never be intuitive for DS, but he’s learning the rules of social engagement and how to follow them, as well as exceptions to the rules. Traditional talk therapy and CBT didn’t help him much because it was a lot about feelings. He has feelings, but having a set of rules to follow for socializing helps more than telling him to base his actions on how he and others feel in the moment. It’s too abstract.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really glad you are self aware and in therapy, OP. Of course being gorgeous won't ensure you a happy relationship or a happy life. It's easier to attract a first date or a swipe-right on a dating app when you're gorgeous, but that's about as far as it gets you.

I have a friend who is a decade older than you who was and is in your shoes. She hasn't had a long term relationship since our late 20s and can't figure out why. She is gorgeous (slim and fit), fun, stylish and successful in her career. However, she is extremely picky, can be stand-offish to people she has deemed to be uninteresting or not worth her time, and can be very unkind and lash out when angry. She attracts a lot of men but those traits drive ALL her dates away after a few months. She refuses therapy because she feels there's nothing wrong with her and asking her to change is asking her to be "fake" or to "settle". Don't be her.

Every woman I know who is in her late 30s or early 40s and still single is extremely picky. They demand a 9 when they are more like a 5. I’ve heard them criticize guys for having roommates, being short, not a good enough job etc. This coming from women who have their own flaws such as being slightly chubby, normal job (not high earning), studio apartment etc.

This. The women I know in this age range who are single have the most absurd issues with every single man they meet. And many of the women feel like they are too good for online dating.

[Anonymous]

It’s ok to have absurd issues and refuse online dating. She’s making a choice to remain single with instead of settling. That’s ok. Either she’ll work we up and settle or remain single. Fine.

[Anonymous]

It's the nonstop talking about bizarre interests that you get completely wrapped up in. DS has Asperger's and I adore him and he's smart and fascinating and in small doses I want to hear about his interests. But after 5-10 minutes it starts to drive me batty and after 20 I want to run screaming. We let him talk about them because he needs to get it out, but we also talk to him about limiting what he says and just picking 1 example and that sort of thing. His interests are pretty mainstream like math and science, but the degree to which he monologues about them with no care for input from his audience is simply exhausting.

I have no doubt that one day he will meet a nice girl who loves math and science and they will find their way together. He's a sweet young man and actually pretty good looking. But he will have to find someone VERY understanding!