Reply to Repairing Relationship with ILs -- has anyone done it?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, it [i]is[/i] sad to have to exclude a set of relatives from your children’s lives. But that’s a choice they made through their related actions. Including them now won’t heal the rift or fix their crazy. It won’t be a gift to your children either.

You and your husband made a sound choice about the relationship you wanted with extended family. You received good counseling about it too. A special occasion doesn’t change that relationship. What it does do is cause you to feel grief, which is natural. At this milestone you notice the loss of family whom you’d like to have in your life. Instead of trying to turn them into something they’re not, process your grief. It’s not an easy or short process, but it is easier than relationship with toxic people.[/quote]

This is really good advice.  The Bar Mitzvah is bring up your grief at the family your children don’t have in a new way.  Deal with that grief.  But your in-laws are never going to be the grandparents you wish your kids had and there’s nothing you can do to make them.  They are going to be themselves, and themselves is horrid.  Don’t invite horrid to your kid’s milestone event!  You are dealing with your own grief/disappointment in a truly counterproductive way.  People who have never behaved appropriately are not going to behave at the Bar Mitzvah.  The relationship you want for your children with your in-laws is impossible.  There is nothing you can do to make it otherwise.  Deal with that.  Listen to your husband and therapist.  Do not open the door to another 6 mos like the 6 mos before you cut them off 10 years ago.  You’re just going to have to cut them off again.[/quote]

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