How is DH’s family so clueless?

[Anonymous]

Either:

1) Leave early (my vote)

2) Buy paper plates and such and totally fend for yourself with easy meals/take-out/dining out.

3) If ILs ask you about dinners or whatnot, say, "We were the only ones providing meals, and frankly we're not doing that anymore. If you want to make a plan for the rest of the week, we'll participate and do our part, but we're not cooking and cleaning for everyone anymore."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either:

1) Leave early (my vote)

2) Buy paper plates and such and totally fend for yourself with easy meals/take-out/dining out.

3) If ILs ask you about dinners or whatnot, say, "We were the only ones providing meals, and frankly we're not doing that anymore. If you want to make a plan for the rest of the week, we'll participate and do our part, but we're not cooking and cleaning for everyone anymore."

NP. Take the bolded statement; then DH says exactly that to everyone. It should be DH and NOT you, OP; his family is his responsibility to manage. And he does not wait until someone asks "Where's dinner?" He says this now, today, just before he and your family head out the door to do fun things with your kids all afternoon, eat dinner out and stay out until you want to come home.

DH should have had a firm "this is how things are" talk the minute someone else first put their backside in a chair after dinner without so much as offering to wash one dish. Extreme rudeness.

These relatives are indeed clueless and you and DH are reinforcing their laziness and lack of consideration every time you cook or wash a dish for them. He needs to tell them very clearly that you and he have done all housework and cooking and you're stocking the fridge with your family's food, labeling it and expect them to shop for themselves from this point onward until you leave. They will act all wounded -- "Oh! We didn't realize! We'll do dishes!" and so forth. DH pastes on a big smile, and says, "Our family's got plans to do some things with the kids so we won't be around much here the rest of this week. That's why we have to ensure our groceries are here for US to cook when we do come in. If you want, here's a 300-pack of paper plates you're free to use, but otherwise, we won't be around enough to do dishes either."

Then go out and have a family vacation without them. They want their tablets and phones anyway. If they complain and act hurt, DH and you need to smile sadly and say, "Yeah, it was fun to eat together but since no one else cooked or cleaned up, we're doing our own thing and know you'll enjoy doing your own thing too."

[Anonymous]

Did you or your husband book the place? If so, you're on the hook for final clean up. If it's in someone else's name, leave early for sure!!

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. DH has made several comments to his family about cleaning up, doing the shopping, etc but they don’t seem to listen or care. The kitchen and dining area are disgusting, and SIL was eating some cheese last night and left half of it on a plate in the living room so now the mess is expanding into that area as well. I asked her if she was going to get rid of it and she just gave me a blank stare. I can stand mess when it comes to things not being organized, toys or clothes all over, etc., but I can’t stand food being left out, dirty dishes and such.

In terms of last night, they were all waiting around for DH and I to make dinner and they didn’t decide to go out until much later after we said we were not cooking and they realized they had nothing to cook or didn’t want to cook.

We have all gone away together plenty of times but we have always stayed in hotels and had our separate space - so I think that’s the issue. So definitely no more house rentals in our future.

And for those who are asking the trip is 10 days total - I said a week because it seemed easier. We got her Monday and leave next Wednesday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you or your husband book the place? If so, you're on the hook for final clean up. If it's in someone else's name, leave early for sure!!

Thankfully my in laws booked it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you just go out to eat earlier with your nuclear family? Stop being a martyr and just do your own thing, like your in-laws.

Not being a martyr at all - my kids were fed when they needed to be. They were melting down just because they were tired.

[Anonymous]

I would have been driving back yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. DH has made several comments to his family about cleaning up, doing the shopping, etc but they don’t seem to listen or care. The kitchen and dining area are disgusting, and SIL was eating some cheese last night and left half of it on a plate in the living room so now the mess is expanding into that area as well. I asked her if she was going to get rid of it and she just gave me a blank stare. I can stand mess when it comes to things not being organized, toys or clothes all over, etc., but I can’t stand food being left out, dirty dishes and such.

In terms of last night, they were all waiting around for DH and I to make dinner and they didn’t decide to go out until much later after we said we were not cooking and they realized they had nothing to cook or didn’t want to cook.

We have all gone away together plenty of times but we have always stayed in hotels and had our separate space - so I think that’s the issue. So definitely no more house rentals in our future.

And for those who are asking the trip is 10 days total - I said a week because it seemed easier. We got her Monday and leave next Wednesday.

If you don't leave at least a day or two before everyone else to avoid the final leaving/clean-up, you're a martyr and a fool. Don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you just go out to eat earlier with your nuclear family? Stop being a martyr and just do your own thing, like your in-laws.

Not being a martyr at all - my kids were fed when they needed to be. They were melting down just because they were tired.

Then what does that have to do with your in-laws' decision to go out to eat? If they'd already eaten, put them to bed already!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you just go out to eat earlier with your nuclear family? Stop being a martyr and just do your own thing, like your in-laws.

Not being a martyr at all - my kids were fed when they needed to be. They were melting down just because they were tired.

Then what does that have to do with your in-laws' decision to go out to eat? If they'd already eaten, put them to bed already!

Exactly. Buy some paper plates. Done.

[Anonymous]

When you don’t have kids you don’t care about grocery shopping and meals. It’s a different mindset. I also don’t understand how the kitchen is messy if they are not cooking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you don’t have kids you don’t care about grocery shopping and meals. It’s a different mindset. I also don’t understand how the kitchen is messy if they are not cooking.

Sure it can be, my DH and kids demonstrate this all this time. If you prepare a snack and leave all the wrappers, used butter knives, dirty plates, cutlery and glasses around, it gets plenty messy. No cooking necessary.

[Anonymous]

We had this problem - in our case it was more about childcare (BIL and SIL who did not lift a finger to care for their own kids)- though cooking etc was a factor also. We stopped vacationing with them in this sort of situation. We did attend some weekends where we stayed at a hotel (own rooms) and ate at restaurants- but a house situation? No way! All of the kids are now 8/9yo+ so we are considering giving it another try.

Personally I’d just not agree to these types of trips in the first place. If you want to vacation as an extended family stay at a resort instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you just go out to eat earlier with your nuclear family? Stop being a martyr and just do your own thing, like your in-laws.

Not being a martyr at all - my kids were fed when they needed to be. They were melting down just because they were tired.

Then what does that have to do with your in-laws' decision to go out to eat? If they'd already eaten, put them to bed already!

I meant that DH and I could not both go out to eat at that point since the kids were too tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you just go out to eat earlier with your nuclear family? Stop being a martyr and just do your own thing, like your in-laws.

Not being a martyr at all - my kids were fed when they needed to be. They were melting down just because they were tired.

Then what does that have to do with your in-laws' decision to go out to eat? If they'd already eaten, put them to bed already!

I meant that DH and I could not both go out to eat at that point since the kids were too tired.

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