How is DH’s family so clueless?

[Anonymous]

This is what it's like for us too. Like others have said, just go out with our own family and leave the rest to figure it out. Don't clean up after them. If they want to leave their dishes on the table for days, let them. Just shove them aside. Clean only dishes for your family. If they have nothing to eat off of, their problem.

[Anonymous]

Did you ask them to help? Or did you just stop doing the cooking and cleaning? Why isn’t your DH standing up for your family?

[Anonymous]

I have the same problem. SIL and BIL don't lift a finger (and they have kids!) so after we did all the buying, cooking, and cleaning one year (we also have kids), my husband told his mom that we would not be doing it again unless things changed. SIL and BIL refused to change, so MIL stepped up. We just cooked for ourselves and keeping one part of the kitchen clean so we could cook. We also went out with just us and our kids. And since we couldn't stop people from eating the food we bought we kept a list when things were consumed and told them they needed to go to the store to replenish, so my MIL did since SIL and BIL couldn't be bothered. I guess it was worth it to my MIL to have us all together, but we thought it was dumb that she ended up waiting hand and foot on her daughter and son in law while also taking care of their kids, but at least then it was her problem, not ours. So, OP, I'm sad to say, you're not alone. Just go in with eyes wide open next time. If there is a next time...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the same problem. SIL and BIL don't lift a finger (and they have kids!) so after we did all the buying, cooking, and cleaning one year (we also have kids), my husband told his mom that we would not be doing it again unless things changed. SIL and BIL refused to change, so MIL stepped up. We just cooked for ourselves and keeping one part of the kitchen clean so we could cook. We also went out with just us and our kids. And since we couldn't stop people from eating the food we bought we kept a list when things were consumed and told them they needed to go to the store to replenish, so my MIL did since SIL and BIL couldn't be bothered. I guess it was worth it to my MIL to have us all together, but we thought it was dumb that she ended up waiting hand and foot on her daughter and son in law while also taking care of their kids, but at least then it was her problem, not ours. So, OP, I'm sad to say, you're not alone. Just go in with eyes wide open next time. If there is a next time...

This is the right way to handle it. Set clear boundaries, and then let the chips fall where they may without resentment!

[Anonymous]

OP - you standards are not their standards. You're idea of dinner is not their idea of dinner.

We don't know how bad it really is, or whether you are too rigid. Certainly you've lived with other people before, and know that sometimes it's just not a good match. And shouldn't be done. Doesn't need to ruin the relationship over it.

[Anonymous]

Do you help clean on holidays?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you standards are not their standards. You're idea of dinner is not their idea of dinner.

We don't know how bad it really is, or whether you are too rigid. Certainly you've lived with other people before, and know that sometimes it's just not a good match. And shouldn't be done. Doesn't need to ruin the relationship over it.

What do you mean by that?
Obviously everyone has been ok with what OP and her husband have been cooking as everyone has been eating the food, and not cleaning up after themselves.

[Anonymous]

I don't think they're clueless. I think they are fine with you and your DH being their doormats. You both need to stop allowing it.

[Anonymous]

You said you rented the house for a week at the beginning of your post but then at the end said you don't know how you'll last another week. Well is it one week or two? Just leave early.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like everyone else has an idea of vacation that isn’t compatible with vacationing with young kids.

They want to relax and read and poke around the internet and roll out the door to find food whenever they feel like it and leave messes around until they need to clean up to use the space or use the dirty items. They don’t want to make plans to entertain kids or cook or clean. This is a fine way to vacation alone, though they should be more respectful about huge messes in common spaces on a shared vacation.

You need to plan out your week for your own family! You can let everyone know your plans and invite them to join parts, but then just go about your life. Don’t feel compelled to cook for anyone else, though you could certainly offer if you want to as long as you are truly fine with it not being reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like everyone else has an idea of vacation that isn’t compatible with vacationing with young kids.

They want to relax and read and poke around the internet and roll out the door to find food whenever they feel like it and leave messes around until they need to clean up to use the space or use the dirty items. They don’t want to make plans to entertain kids or cook or clean. This is a fine way to vacation alone, though they should be more respectful about huge messes in common spaces on a shared vacation.

You need to plan out your week for your own family! You can let everyone know your plans and invite them to join parts, but then just go about your life. Don’t feel compelled to cook for anyone else, though you could certainly offer if you want to as long as you are truly fine with it not being reciprocated.

+1 THIS. No need to make such a big deal about it. People vacation in different ways so you don't need to get all bent out of shape about it. I'm guessing they're just as annoyed with you and your family for trying to micromanage their vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you standards are not their standards. You're idea of dinner is not their idea of dinner.

We don't know how bad it really is, or whether you are too rigid. Certainly you've lived with other people before, and know that sometimes it's just not a good match. And shouldn't be done. Doesn't need to ruin the relationship over it.

What do you mean by that?
Obviously everyone has been ok with what OP and her husband have been cooking as everyone has been eating the food, and not cleaning up after themselves.

DP here. Maybe they all preferred to eat out later, but felt obligated to eat in when OP started cooking a presumably early dinner (since it sounds like she has young kids). When my husband and I were a childless couple, I could imagine us planning to head out for drinks and dinner around 7:30/8 pm, but getting stuck eating meatloaf at 6 pm with everyone if SIL had gone to the trouble of cooking without consulting us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you standards are not their standards. You're idea of dinner is not their idea of dinner.

We don't know how bad it really is, or whether you are too rigid. Certainly you've lived with other people before, and know that sometimes it's just not a good match. And shouldn't be done. Doesn't need to ruin the relationship over it.

What do you mean by that?
Obviously everyone has been ok with what OP and her husband have been cooking as everyone has been eating the food, and not cleaning up after themselves.

DP here. Maybe they all preferred to eat out later, but felt obligated to eat in when OP started cooking a presumably early dinner (since it sounds like she has young kids). When my husband and I were a childless couple, I could imagine us planning to head out for drinks and dinner around 7:30/8 pm, but getting stuck eating meatloaf at 6 pm with everyone if SIL had gone to the trouble of cooking without consulting us.

This also happened to us when we were childless. Its rude to leave if someone has cooked you a nice meal. Op. Hust cook for your family, stop cleaning. Did you rent the place or did your inlaws? We rolled out if our obx vacation early this year bc we didn't want to help clean. We had cooked 5 meals during a 7 day vacation with just 3 families.

[Anonymous]

OP, what I'd do next year is get two condos near each other. One condo for your family, one for the inlaws. We do this and it's SO MUCH BETTER than sharing one space. Especially because I also have an inconsiderate SIL. We go visit the other condo and sometimes do dinner together, but other than that things are separate which is so much better.

[Anonymous]

Why did you wait for your kids to meltdown before making them something or getting carryout or taking them out? You take care of your kids first. I don't get why you are making this drama. If they don't clean up, leave it. Clean your mess. You are the ones with kids who need care, not them.