If you've been betrayed/cheated on, how do you "get over it"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi Op, I was cheated on and we repaired the marriage and are doing fine now. It was a gut punch when it happened but genuine remorse was shown and our marriage had a strong foundation to work from.

My 2 cents: some people view sexual fidelity as the most important part of a marriage and cheating as a personal attack. For those, I don't think you can get past it. They are the most vocal on these boards, and divorced as a result. You will see terms like abuse and PTSD used. I am sure its genuine but something I could not relate to. Like someone said in another post, I was in the "why not me" camp, as in its pretty common, humans are tempted and my spouse broke a promise.

There is also a lot of people like me who see sexual fidelity as one component of a larger picture and something that can evolve with the marriage. If that's you, the marriage can be renewed and re-negotiated.

You don't need to figure this out now, and you are no better or worse for which camp you are in. If you think it can be saved, I'd be careful who you tell since many people will be divorce cheerleaders

Your experience sounds different than mine but maybe I’m wrong. My SBXH had a two year long affair and his choices were a personal attack. If it were once, I’d agree with the point you made. Not all affairs are equal.

Yeah I took it personally being lied to directly and the gaslighting made me feel so horrible...like I was going crazy.

[Anonymous]

It took me about two years to not feel rage. I wanted revenge! I always took the high road however and I'm glad I did.

What I realized is that someone so twisted who could be a cheater, liar, abuser....they are always going to be stuck being a miserable piece of poo. That is the best revenge- they are stuck being themselves and I get to be me! Yay!

I now feel nothing...not hate even just nothing. It will happen hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi Op, I was cheated on and we repaired the marriage and are doing fine now. It was a gut punch when it happened but genuine remorse was shown and our marriage had a strong foundation to work from.

My 2 cents: some people view sexual fidelity as the most important part of a marriage and cheating as a personal attack. For those, I don't think you can get past it. They are the most vocal on these boards, and divorced as a result. You will see terms like abuse and PTSD used. I am sure its genuine but something I could not relate to. Like someone said in another post, I was in the "why not me" camp, as in its pretty common, humans are tempted and my spouse broke a promise.

There is also a lot of people like me who see sexual fidelity as one component of a larger picture and something that can evolve with the marriage. If that's you, the marriage can be renewed and re-negotiated.

You don't need to figure this out now, and you are no better or worse for which camp you are in. If you think it can be saved, I'd be careful who you tell since many people will be divorce cheerleaders

Your experience sounds different than mine but maybe I’m wrong. My SBXH had a two year long affair and his choices were a personal attack. If it were once, I’d agree with the point you made. Not all affairs are equal.

I'm the "why not me" poster. My H had a long term affair and a fling when I was pregnant and left me with an infant. So it was very, very egregious.

It still was not about me. I did not get that on Day 1, nor should you.

If you listen to podcasts, I would suggest listening to the 7 part section of Super Soul Conversation with Eckert Tolle. He can explain it much better than me.

Also, my friend who is a widow gave me this... https://www.amazon.com/Buddhist-Boot-Camp-Timber-Hawkeye/dp/0062267434

It's funny because she said, at least her H did choose to ruin her life... while she felt my H tried to ruin my life and this book helped her understand that neither of our H actually tried to ruin our lives... and guess what neither of our lives are ruined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you have an active sexual relationship with your husband prior to his cheating?

I am the "why not me" poster.

We had sex 3 times a week. It's fell off a little, I think his girlfriend was getting it on Thursdays and I lost that night. So it went down to 2... but I suspect I got sloppy 2nds a few Thursdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you have an active sexual relationship with your husband prior to his cheating?

I am the "why not me" poster.

We had sex 3 times a week. It's fell off a little, I think his girlfriend was getting it on Thursdays and I lost that night. So it went down to 2... but I suspect I got sloppy 2nds a few Thursdays.

Ok thanks. That is very surprising!

Still awaiting OPs response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you have an active sexual relationship with your husband prior to his cheating?

I am the "why not me" poster.

We had sex 3 times a week. It's fell off a little, I think his girlfriend was getting it on Thursdays and I lost that night. So it went down to 2... but I suspect I got sloppy 2nds a few Thursdays.

Ok thanks. That is very surprising!

Still awaiting OPs response.

Not PP, but yes. I found out that my partner was a serial cheater, and there was no correlation between frequency of sex and his cheating. He cheated when things easy pre-kids and we were banging like bunnies. He cheated when I was pregnant and feeling sh*tty from morning sickness, and then later when I was super into it as a result of pregnancy hormones. He cheated when I was postpartum and physically wrecked, and kept cheating when I recovered and was GGG again. Absolutely no relationship between our sex life and his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took me about two years to not feel rage. I wanted revenge! I always took the high road however and I'm glad I did.

What I realized is that someone so twisted who could be a cheater, liar, abuser....they are always going to be stuck being a miserable piece of poo. That is the best revenge- they are stuck being themselves and I get to be me! Yay!

I now feel nothing...not hate even just nothing. It will happen hang in there.

NP and this is my personal goal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took me about two years to not feel rage. I wanted revenge! I always took the high road however and I'm glad I did.

What I realized is that someone so twisted who could be a cheater, liar, abuser....they are always going to be stuck being a miserable piece of poo. That is the best revenge- they are stuck being themselves and I get to be me! Yay!

I now feel nothing...not hate even just nothing. It will happen hang in there.

Good for you. I almost married my cheater. He was living with me, but I started seeing time gaps which made no sense. Followed him with a friend, and used a voice activated recorder. I caught him right away. I was pretty angry and raged for a few days. Then I called the movers to put his stuff in a storage, and gave him the key. I did do some revenge when I found out he moved in with the OW. Let's just stay she moved out pretty quickly and I moved on 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you have an active sexual relationship with your husband prior to his cheating?

I am the "why not me" poster.

We had sex 3 times a week. It's fell off a little, I think his girlfriend was getting it on Thursdays and I lost that night. So it went down to 2... but I suspect I got sloppy 2nds a few Thursdays. [/quote

Same here. He was a cheater and the pattern was repeating itself with me. I just didn't know it at the time. When i contacted one of his exes she brought me up to speed. It's seldom about sex with cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you have an active sexual relationship with your husband prior to his cheating?

I am the "why not me" poster.

We had sex 3 times a week. It's fell off a little, I think his girlfriend was getting it on Thursdays and I lost that night. So it went down to 2... but I suspect I got sloppy 2nds a few Thursdays.

Ok thanks. That is very surprising!

Still awaiting OPs response.

Not PP, but yes. I found out that my partner was a serial cheater, and there was no correlation between frequency of sex and his cheating. He cheated when things easy pre-kids and we were banging like bunnies. He cheated when I was pregnant and feeling sh*tty from morning sickness, and then later when I was super into it as a result of pregnancy hormones. He cheated when I was postpartum and physically wrecked, and kept cheating when I recovered and was GGG again. Absolutely no relationship between our sex life and his behavior.

It's not surprising when you understand why people cheat. I think a lot of women make themselves feel better by assuming the victim wasn't being sexually active...and sure maybe sometimes this is the case. But you need to get real PP and know that putting out lots is no guarantee that you won't be the victim at some point.

My ex and I-Im the I feel nothing now PP- had sex 3 times a week at least...and with me the guy gets a BJ every single time.

Most of the time people cheat because they have a dark pit inside them and try to fill it with the ego boost of sexual attention from a new person. And I'm sure it feels exciting and forbidden so that makes it extra thrilling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Op, I was cheated on and we repaired the marriage and are doing fine now. It was a gut punch when it happened but genuine remorse was shown and our marriage had a strong foundation to work from.

My 2 cents: some people view sexual fidelity as the most important part of a marriage and cheating as a personal attack. For those, I don't think you can get past it. They are the most vocal on these boards, and divorced as a result. You will see terms like abuse and PTSD used. I am sure its genuine but something I could not relate to. Like someone said in another post, I was in the "why not me" camp, as in its pretty common, humans are tempted and my spouse broke a promise.

There is also a lot of people like me who see sexual fidelity as one component of a larger picture and something that can evolve with the marriage. If that's you, the marriage can be renewed and re-negotiated.

You don't need to figure this out now, and you are no better or worse for which camp you are in. If you think it can be saved, I'd be careful who you tell since many people will be divorce cheerleaders

I agree with this. For the record, I have never cheated and don't think I ever would.

However, people can have legitimately different views on whether monogamy is something they consider important in a relationship. The key is having a compatible viewpoint to your partner and respecting your partner's viewpoint. There are people who have open marriages and are happy with it. Others couldn't possibly imagine doing that.

My husband has never cheated on me (to my knowledge) and I really don't think would. However, a boyfriend I had been with for 5.5 years cheated on me. Getting over it took me meeting my husband and testing his trust (through honestly trying to push him to leave to see if he'd stay -- it wasn't fair of me, but he's an angel and helped me through it all).

I also did a lot of my own version of therapy (playing/listening to music, going on an international trip by myself). Of course I also dated my share of fools and had a 2-night fling.

In short, it took a long time. I think if my husband cheated on me, it would be a million times worse, particularly since we have a kid together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you have an active sexual relationship with your husband prior to his cheating?

I am the "why not me" poster.

We had sex 3 times a week. It's fell off a little, I think his girlfriend was getting it on Thursdays and I lost that night. So it went down to 2... but I suspect I got sloppy 2nds a few Thursdays.

Ok thanks. That is very surprising!

Still awaiting OPs response.

Not PP, but yes. I found out that my partner was a serial cheater, and there was no correlation between frequency of sex and his cheating. He cheated when things easy pre-kids and we were banging like bunnies. He cheated when I was pregnant and feeling sh*tty from morning sickness, and then later when I was super into it as a result of pregnancy hormones. He cheated when I was postpartum and physically wrecked, and kept cheating when I recovered and was GGG again. Absolutely no relationship between our sex life and his behavior.

It's not surprising when you understand why people cheat. I think a lot of women make themselves feel better by assuming the victim wasn't being sexually active...and sure maybe sometimes this is the case. But you need to get real PP and know that putting out lots is no guarantee that you won't be the victim at some point.

My ex and I-Im the I feel nothing now PP- had sex 3 times a week at least...and with me the guy gets a BJ every single time.

Most of the time people cheat because they have a dark pit inside them and try to fill it with the ego boost of sexual attention from a new person. And I'm sure it feels exciting and forbidden so that makes it extra thrilling.

Truth. I was cheated on too... we were having sex about 3 times a week, sometimes more, at the time.

Lots of cheating husbands tell the other woman that sex with their wives has stopped and that's why they're lonely and on the prowl but staying for the kids. There was a post here on DCUM some years back where the other woman was just stunned to find out that her AP's wife was pregnant because, shocker, the cheating husband had been telling her he and his wife hadn't had sex in half a decade and he'd been celibate until he met her. She was convinced he was this honorable guy who was faithful to her and just anxiously awaiting for his youngest to turn 18 to finally leave his frigid mean wife and marry her. Yeah right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Op, I was cheated on and we repaired the marriage and are doing fine now. It was a gut punch when it happened but genuine remorse was shown and our marriage had a strong foundation to work from.

My 2 cents: some people view sexual fidelity as the most important part of a marriage and cheating as a personal attack. For those, I don't think you can get past it. They are the most vocal on these boards, and divorced as a result. You will see terms like abuse and PTSD used. I am sure its genuine but something I could not relate to. Like someone said in another post, I was in the "why not me" camp, as in its pretty common, humans are tempted and my spouse broke a promise.

There is also a lot of people like me who see sexual fidelity as one component of a larger picture and something that can evolve with the marriage. If that's you, the marriage can be renewed and re-negotiated.

You don't need to figure this out now, and you are no better or worse for which camp you are in. If you think it can be saved, I'd be careful who you tell since many people will be divorce cheerleaders

I was in a similar situation and we were able to move on as a couple. Genuine remorse from my spouse was key, combined with the fact that while I was very hurt, sexual fidelity has never been the end all be all for me. I know it is a complete dealbreaker for some, and that's their right. If you feel in your gut that it's something you cannot get past, you don't need to fight with yourself to overcome it. No one should stay in a relationship they feel is irreparably broken.

[Anonymous]

Nobody has ever claimed that husbands with a good home sexlife don't cheat: some do.

The assertion is that essentially ALL of the husbands with a BAD home sex life cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody has ever claimed that husbands with a good home sexlife don't cheat: some do.

The assertion is that essentially ALL of the husbands with a BAD home sex life cheat.

And of course the assumption is that women don't value sex, so we couldn't possibly cheat in response to a bad sex life.