If you've been betrayed/cheated on, how do you "get over it"?

[Anonymous]

It took about two years before I felt the least bit normal again and I didn't have kids with him. It was the shock and pain that someone I loved so much and thought really loved and cared about me would hurt me so deeply that was hard to accept.

That was 18 years ago and I still think about him sometimes.

[Anonymous]

You need to go to therapy and address very specific things including your anger, fear, PTSD-like symptoms, ability to trust again, etc. The ONLY way through it is to feel the emotions and process them.... and then move past them. This will take years, not months.

I'm not gonna lie, it's something we will never really get over. I discovered my husband's affair in 2015, and we separated in 2016 after what I now know was a waste of time trying to repair our marriage in therapy. Separated in late 2016, divorce was final earlier this year. It was actually amicable, he just dragged his feet.

You've got to find new things to enjoy in your new life. Keep putting one foot in front of the other until you've discovered so many new things you love about your new life that your future has more pull than your past.

And then.... read Brene Brown's work on vulnerability. It will tell you everything you need to know about how to trust and love again. Dont let what your ex did to you leave you with a scar that prevents you from being brave enough to experience life's most wonderful and intense emotions, which is absolute love and trust for another. This takes time, missteps, terror, and fury. But I promise you, you'll get there.

[Anonymous]

Hi Op, I was cheated on and we repaired the marriage and are doing fine now. It was a gut punch when it happened but genuine remorse was shown and our marriage had a strong foundation to work from.

My 2 cents: some people view sexual fidelity as the most important part of a marriage and cheating as a personal attack. For those, I don't think you can get past it. They are the most vocal on these boards, and divorced as a result. You will see terms like abuse and PTSD used. I am sure its genuine but something I could not relate to. Like someone said in another post, I was in the "why not me" camp, as in its pretty common, humans are tempted and my spouse broke a promise.

There is also a lot of people like me who see sexual fidelity as one component of a larger picture and something that can evolve with the marriage. If that's you, the marriage can be renewed and re-negotiated.

You don't need to figure this out now, and you are no better or worse for which camp you are in. If you think it can be saved, I'd be careful who you tell since many people will be divorce cheerleaders

[Anonymous]

Did you have an active sexual relationship with your husband prior to his cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom got divorced in 1972, and she's not over it. Still totally full of rage and spends her time brooding about my dad (who had multiple wives after her).

Lesson: don't be my mom and let the bastard live rent-free in your head for 47 years.

+1

4 years on I’m glad the other twit took her off my hands. That said, there is a scar but that’s stronger and harder. It will take time for sure but it’s a process you can’t avoid. It does get so much better. What I do feel bad about is that the kids have to deal with all the crap that comes with divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you have an active sexual relationship with your husband prior to his cheating?

What’s this question for? Are you trying to blame the OP her the spouse cheating?

[Anonymous]

He was not the person you thought he was. I would keep that at the front of your thinking, rather than I was betrayed. A deep shift may go with that simple change in expression.

[Anonymous]

You are doing all the right things! The feeling of betrayal doesn’t end but the pit in your stomach starts to disappear, or it did for me, when you meet a nice guy and you really look forward to seeing him again. It was a big step forward for me to realize I had an interest in someone. That first guy didn’t lead to anything but it did mean that I was moving on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is a pit in your stomach? A cherry pit? Peach pit?

Google is your friend when you're not familiar with a word or saying.

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/amp/english/pit-of-your-stomach

pit of your stomach
the part of the body in which people say they feel fear or nervousness:

I got a sick feeling/a knot in the pit of my stomach when the news of the attack was announced.

The point is you got a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, you didn't get a pit in your stomach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Op, I was cheated on and we repaired the marriage and are doing fine now. It was a gut punch when it happened but genuine remorse was shown and our marriage had a strong foundation to work from.

My 2 cents: some people view sexual fidelity as the most important part of a marriage and cheating as a personal attack. For those, I don't think you can get past it. They are the most vocal on these boards, and divorced as a result. You will see terms like abuse and PTSD used. I am sure its genuine but something I could not relate to. Like someone said in another post, I was in the "why not me" camp, as in its pretty common, humans are tempted and my spouse broke a promise.

There is also a lot of people like me who see sexual fidelity as one component of a larger picture and something that can evolve with the marriage. If that's you, the marriage can be renewed and re-negotiated.

You don't need to figure this out now, and you are no better or worse for which camp you are in. If you think it can be saved, I'd be careful who you tell since many people will be divorce cheerleaders

Your experience sounds different than mine but maybe I’m wrong. My SBXH had a two year long affair and his choices were a personal attack. If it were once, I’d agree with the point you made. Not all affairs are equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you have an active sexual relationship with your husband prior to his cheating?

What’s this question for? Are you trying to blame the OP her the spouse cheating?

OP talks about shock and betrayal so evidently she believed he had no reason to stray. Seems like a legit, simple, logical question about their bedroom (which OP would know quite accurately) to confirm her reasoning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you have an active sexual relationship with your husband prior to his cheating?

What’s this question for? Are you trying to blame the OP her the spouse cheating?

Just ignore pp. It's never the victims fault, and rarely about sex. Liars, cheaters and abusers are messed up individuals which more often than not goes back to their upbringing. If you look at their family dynamics closely it's 99% there.

[Anonymous]

I’m proud of you for leaving quickly, rather than trying to control him into fidelity for the sake of your lifestyle. It probably wasn’t easy, but you did the right thing.

Seeing a a therapist can help.

I left my marriage when my husband threw me into a wall. Like you, I have mostly sole custody, with one day a week of visitation. I found a therapist who can see me on that one day, and go then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was not the person you thought he was. I would keep that at the front of your thinking, rather than I was betrayed. A deep shift may go with that simple change in expression.

I would be happy I found out early versus some who find out many years later. In almost every case of cheating the signs were there that were missed. When I caught a bf of mine cheating years ago, it was all there. He was a rotten person all the way around, but I chose to ignore the facts out of insecurity. The clues were he came from a dysfunctional family, dismissive attitude toward cheating, secretive personality, and female friends he kept hidden. Often if we're honest it's goes back to poor judgement in picking these losers. After I exposed him I moved on pretty quickly, cheaters aren't worth wasting oxygen on imo.

[Anonymous]

Time heals, but a good counselor and a divorce recovery group can help you move forward. He doesn't deserve all the bandwith you're giving him. Forgiving myself was the hardest and last step in the process.