daughter's dramatics when being corrected/disciplined

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know it's dramatic, over the top, silly, etc. But these are real emotions that a real person is feeling. This is her reaction, so try to take a breath, take it in, and respond in the most present, mature, compassionate way that you can.

I will never, ever forget a time when I was genuinely trying to tell my dad that something he said had hurt me. He laughed at me. To this day, I think it's the worst I've ever felt, and I've suffered some true losses and difficulties over the years.

I responded earlier.

There's a big difference between laughing and not playing into her drama.

Op, talk to her about it AFTER she calms down. You'll get nothing but more drama in the moment. When she has calmed down ask her why she said that. Maybe she equates even minor punishment as you not liking/wanting her. Maybe.

It's also entirely possible she's trying to deflect.

We were in family counseling. 17 year old ds would come out with similar. The counselor told him he (ds) knew that wasn't true, so cut the crap.

I never said to play into their drama.

I simply said to remain in control and respond in the best way possible; it's easy to get caught up in heightened emotions and to respond in a "big" way. My advice simply was to find a way to remain cool and in control.

Op hasn't indicated that she doesn't stay calm.

Part of my post was referring to others.

My advice is to discuss it when her teen has calmed down. If it continues then call her on it. Some kids use it as manipulation like one of mine did.

Actually once it's been discussed you can say something like: " You know I love you. Even when n you're in trouble. So you don't need to use that line anymore."

[Anonymous]

Psychologist perspective: sounds like a fairly normal tween/teen response--but like anything that raises your parental concerns even if they seem trivial: keep any eye on it; you know your kid. We worry more about kids who have such talk continually inside their heads but don't say it aloud--they are so afraid of being unloved/unlovable that they dare not articulate it.
In most situations, the most effective response is a calm, brief validation of love/respect in the moment (I hope you know I will always love you). Don't trivialize the emotion (laugh, make a joke) or view it as something to tamp down (e.g., think you've got to tell her not to be so 'soft') or assume it's manipulative (it often isn't, though sometimes it might be). Usually just proceed with correcting the misinformation (I do love you), stay calm and loving, keep on track with discussing the issue at hand. Don't let the drama derail the conversation. Model the demeanor you think is appropriate rather insisting she have it also.

When you're not in the "dramatics" situation, it wouldn't hurt to do a little self-reflection on your relationship though (never does). We sometimes see kids who had a really close relationship with their moms when they were younger and then when they naturally push away a bit as they get older, the parents don't quite get how to re-establish closeness in the new tween/teen phase. The closeness is needed more than ever, it just takes different forms than when they were younger. Do you listen with undivided attention to your tween/teen for at least a few minutes each day? Do you frequently initiate affectionate eye contact, smiles, small touches, little jokes--do you look at her with love and appreciation more than you look at her with worry? Do you have inside jokes with each other--can you make each other laugh? Have you found something to do together you both enjoy? Her "dramatics" may reflect the very normal sense of loss she feels not being a little kid that more easily and effortlessly connected to her mother and she's just flailing about trying to figure that out and these points of correction/discipline heighten that feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Psychologist perspective: sounds like a fairly normal tween/teen response--but like anything that raises your parental concerns even if they seem trivial: keep any eye on it; you know your kid. We worry more about kids who have such talk continually inside their heads but don't say it aloud--they are so afraid of being unloved/unlovable that they dare not articulate it.
In most situations, the most effective response is a calm, brief validation of love/respect in the moment (I hope you know I will always love you). Don't trivialize the emotion (laugh, make a joke) or view it as something to tamp down (e.g., think you've got to tell her not to be so 'soft') or assume it's manipulative (it often isn't, though sometimes it might be). Usually just proceed with correcting the misinformation (I do love you), stay calm and loving, keep on track with discussing the issue at hand. Don't let the drama derail the conversation. Model the demeanor you think is appropriate rather insisting she have it also.

When you're not in the "dramatics" situation, it wouldn't hurt to do a little self-reflection on your relationship though (never does). We sometimes see kids who had a really close relationship with their moms when they were younger and then when they naturally push away a bit as they get older, the parents don't quite get how to re-establish closeness in the new tween/teen phase. The closeness is needed more than ever, it just takes different forms than when they were younger. Do you listen with undivided attention to your tween/teen for at least a few minutes each day? Do you frequently initiate affectionate eye contact, smiles, small touches, little jokes--do you look at her with love and appreciation more than you look at her with worry? Do you have inside jokes with each other--can you make each other laugh? Have you found something to do together you both enjoy? Her "dramatics" may reflect the very normal sense of loss she feels not being a little kid that more easily and effortlessly connected to her mother and she's just flailing about trying to figure that out and these points of correction/discipline heighten that feeling.

PP: Wanted to add on this to my post above: as an earlier PP noted, there are some instances where humor can defuse this--you know your relationship. Sometimes a little skeptical side eye or joke can work. This can create a real bond and be a great strategy. But tread lightly here and know your kids. Adults can sometimes think 'it's just a joke' and kids feel they have play along to save face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know it's dramatic, over the top, silly, etc. But these are real emotions that a real person is feeling. This is her reaction, so try to take a breath, take it in, and respond in the most present, mature, compassionate way that you can.

I will never, ever forget a time when I was genuinely trying to tell my dad that something he said had hurt me. He laughed at me. To this day, I think it's the worst I've ever felt, and I've suffered some true losses and difficulties over the years.

No need for the eyeroll. The poster isn't asking for pity, but simply stating how she was affected by an experience during a vulnerable period in her life.

I suspect the eyeroll is because you think she over-reacted. Well, maybe she did, but that's what teens do, and those experiences can be visceral. I am also scarred by a parent who laughed at one of my fears at the wrong moment. I can't tell you why the memory is still so clear for me, but it is. I would recommend to any parent not to do things like that to their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"You're trying to provoke me, dear. Remember that if you succeed, the one who loses is YOU."

omg wut

lovely way to parent. threats

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After being corrected/disciplined (and I'm NOT talking any sort of severe punishment) she'll say stuff like "I know you hate me, why don't you just say it?" or "wouldn't your life be easier if I were never born? Just think, you'd never have to deal with any of this."

I don't know what to do.

“You say this each time you are corrected or punished. Let me be clear: It is because I love you that I do this. If I don’t set boundaries and give consequences, you’ll get the message that this behavior is okay. It’s not. And if it’s allowed to continue, the consequences later on in life will get bigger. The time you should worry about me hating you and not caring about you is when I stop engaging and let you do whatever you want.”

This sounds about right to me. DS works had to deflect whenever we are talking with him about his behavior -- tries to start a fight with us, tries to get us (mom and dad) to fight, gets extremely offended by some random thing.

He often start with "I just don't get why you...", to which I respond "You're a smart kid, I think you do get it really. It's not what you want to hear, but you understand why as a parent I'm saying this." He's actually started taking a deep breath often when he's started to launch into what he "doesn't get" and saying "that's not true, actually I understand it, but [reason it's wrong]." I think that's progress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Psychologist perspective: sounds like a fairly normal tween/teen response--but like anything that raises your parental concerns even if they seem trivial: keep any eye on it; you know your kid. We worry more about kids who have such talk continually inside their heads but don't say it aloud--they are so afraid of being unloved/unlovable that they dare not articulate it.
In most situations, the most effective response is a calm, brief validation of love/respect in the moment (I hope you know I will always love you). Don't trivialize the emotion (laugh, make a joke) or view it as something to tamp down (e.g., think you've got to tell her not to be so 'soft') or assume it's manipulative (it often isn't, though sometimes it might be). Usually just proceed with correcting the misinformation (I do love you), stay calm and loving, keep on track with discussing the issue at hand. Don't let the drama derail the conversation. Model the demeanor you think is appropriate rather insisting she have it also.

When you're not in the "dramatics" situation, it wouldn't hurt to do a little self-reflection on your relationship though (never does). We sometimes see kids who had a really close relationship with their moms when they were younger and then when they naturally push away a bit as they get older, the parents don't quite get how to re-establish closeness in the new tween/teen phase. The closeness is needed more than ever, it just takes different forms than when they were younger. Do you listen with undivided attention to your tween/teen for at least a few minutes each day? Do you frequently initiate affectionate eye contact, smiles, small touches, little jokes--do you look at her with love and appreciation more than you look at her with worry? Do you have inside jokes with each other--can you make each other laugh? Have you found something to do together you both enjoy? Her "dramatics" may reflect the very normal sense of loss she feels not being a little kid that more easily and effortlessly connected to her mother and she's just flailing about trying to figure that out and these points of correction/discipline heighten that feeling.

I think this is really important. As the dad of a 17 year old, it doesn't come nearly as naturally to me to be affectionate toward my kid as it did when he was younger, but I've been making a real effort to tell him that his mom and I love him and to listen whenever he initiates a conversation with me, and it's made a surprising difference in how we get along and handle conflict.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever talked to her about this outside of a disciplinary situation? That might give you a better idea about whether that's truly how she feels or if she's trying to deflect the punishment/correction.

[Anonymous]

"Stop being dramatic Becky. I just told you to empty the garbages like you're supposed to before you go meet your friends."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like none of you remember being teens.

I would not have spoken to my parents like that. I screwed up, consequences were handed out. I went to my room and muttered under my breath.

I would have been told to stop being ridiculous.

You may not have said it, but you felt it. And those feelings felt legitimate to you at that time. Remember how your kid felt.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DD is trying to manipulate you. Just ignore it. Stay the course. If your kids are never upset that you're calling them on their behavior and laying down some consequences, then you're not doing your job as a parent.

[Anonymous]

I used to be like this and it had nothing to do with manipulation but how I felt my mom treated me most of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is like none of you remember being teens.

+1, She needs things handled differently and reassured you love her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to be like this and it had nothing to do with manipulation but how I felt my mom treated me most of the day.

This, something the parent is doing triggers the child to feel this way so parent needs to react differently and try other ways to better meet child's needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to be like this and it had nothing to do with manipulation but how I felt my mom treated me most of the day.

This, something the parent is doing triggers the child to feel this way so parent needs to react differently and try other ways to better meet child's needs.

+1 This doesn't mean the parent is "wrong" or "unjustified" but they are the adult, and they are failing to achieve their parenting goals. That's reason enough for reflection and change.