daughter's dramatics when being corrected/disciplined

[Anonymous]

She’s a teen and lacks the brain development to modulate how she feels. So it really feels that way to her and she feels safe expressing that to you, which I guess is a plus. I would have been terrified to say that to either of my parents —they would have beat me pretty severely.

You can ask her why she thinks that, but...don’t ask her while she’s in the middle of an emotional storm. She can’t reason then. She’s all feeling and no logic. But if you ask her when she calms down, you still might not get an answer that makes sense to you, with your fully-developed brain.

For many, many brain-based reasons, if the consequences involve taking a smartphone, computer, tablet, etc., an adolescent is going to have a stronger reaction than if the had a different consequence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After being corrected/disciplined (and I'm NOT talking any sort of severe punishment) she'll say stuff like "I know you hate me, why don't you just say it?" or "wouldn't your life be easier if I were never born? Just think, you'd never have to deal with any of this."

I don't know what to do.

“You say this each time you are corrected or punished. Let me be clear: It is because I love you that I do this. If I don’t set boundaries and give consequences, you’ll get the message that this behavior is okay. It’s not. And if it’s allowed to continue, the consequences later on in life will get bigger. The time you should worry about me hating you and not caring about you is when I stop engaging and let you do whatever you want.”

[Anonymous]

My youngest is like this, too, and it is a struggle for me. On the one hand, I know it is ridiculous for me to get sucked into the drama and escalate the situation. I am tempted to roll my eyes every time, but of course don't want to set that example. I really have ZERO sympathy and don't believe for a second that she believes it. It's a way to try to regain the upperhand, or get some sympathy, or get the last word in.

So what to do? Ignoring the response doesn't feel right either, like I am tacitly ok-ing something untrue, comments that deflect, and that are often spoken in a disrespectful tone.

What is the balanced response? 6:42s?

[Anonymous]

It is like none of you remember being teens.

[Anonymous]

She probably really feels that way. I would not ignore or minimize by calling it dramatics. I'd talk about it at a different time and reassure her. That may not get through to her, she is a teen after all, but better than ignoring, minimizing, or worst of all, laughing.

Also, does she have anxiety in other areas? I'd keep an eye on that also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know it's dramatic, over the top, silly, etc. But these are real emotions that a real person is feeling. This is her reaction, so try to take a breath, take it in, and respond in the most present, mature, compassionate way that you can.

I will never, ever forget a time when I was genuinely trying to tell my dad that something he said had hurt me. He laughed at me. To this day, I think it's the worst I've ever felt, and I've suffered some true losses and difficulties over the years.

You can roll your eyes all you want and be as hard ass as you please, but you don't seem to remember being a teenager. These are almost adults. They have opinions and feelings, some of which are intense and that's a result of biology. Go ahead and minimize them. See what that gets you.

As for the OP, I suggest picking battles but also just reiterating you don't hate her. I try to tell my DC that she has to accept corrections and criticisms when she's wrong. It's my job to ensure she doesn't grow up to be a jerk or to make XXX mistake. I tell her to take a breath and relax. If I hear some sort of statement several times then we have a sep discussion as to what she means, how she's feeling, etc. Maybe I've said something that came off in a way I didn't mean? Maybe she's just being dramatic? Whatever. Being a parent requires more than just dictating orders and barking condescending remarks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After being corrected/disciplined (and I'm NOT talking any sort of severe punishment) she'll say stuff like "I know you hate me, why don't you just say it?" or "wouldn't your life be easier if I were never born? Just think, you'd never have to deal with any of this."

I don't know what to do.

“You say this each time you are corrected or punished. Let me be clear: It is because I love you that I do this. If I don’t set boundaries and give consequences, you’ll get the message that this behavior is okay. It’s not. And if it’s allowed to continue, the consequences later on in life will get bigger. The time you should worry about me hating you and not caring about you is when I stop engaging and let you do whatever you want.”

Dp. Too many words. Keep the sentiment but, use less. For example

I understand you feel that i hate ypu but actually i discipline you out of love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it's dramatic, over the top, silly, etc. But these are real emotions that a real person is feeling. This is her reaction, so try to take a breath, take it in, and respond in the most present, mature, compassionate way that you can.

I will never, ever forget a time when I was genuinely trying to tell my dad that something he said had hurt me. He laughed at me. To this day, I think it's the worst I've ever felt, and I've suffered some true losses and difficulties over the years.

Or not. If she's a tween or teen, she might be expressing real feelings or she might be using emotional manipulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"You're trying to provoke me, dear. Remember that if you succeed, the one who loses is YOU."

omg wut

[Anonymous]

A sincere and calm "Of course I don't hate you, I love you very much and I'm very happy you're in my life" could defuse the drama and validate her at the same time. Then move on to doing whatever you were doing when she said it.

[Anonymous]

Does she say this at any other time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"You're trying to provoke me, dear. Remember that if you succeed, the one who loses is YOU."

omg wut

Right? Some parents care more about their egos than about their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it's dramatic, over the top, silly, etc. But these are real emotions that a real person is feeling. This is her reaction, so try to take a breath, take it in, and respond in the most present, mature, compassionate way that you can.

I will never, ever forget a time when I was genuinely trying to tell my dad that something he said had hurt me. He laughed at me. To this day, I think it's the worst I've ever felt, and I've suffered some true losses and difficulties over the years.

+1 NP When I was finally brave enough to tell my dad something that he had done that hurt my feelings, he yelled at me to suck it up and hung up on me. It was such a minor thing, the actual event, but my scar is now very deep.

Back to OP: What I can tell you about raising my teen is the following hard-learned lesson. Teens are insecure and hear something as benign as "pass the salt" as "you are a disappointment and can't do anything right." Makes no sense, but that is what's going on (and our approval, despite all evidence to the contrary, is very important). The poster's advice is dead on. I found it best to let him go on and on.... and on while calmly responding or taking a pause. Worry less about the words and let her vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is like none of you remember being teens.

I would not have spoken to my parents like that. I screwed up, consequences were handed out. I went to my room and muttered under my breath.

I would have been told to stop being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

OK here is a totally different response - to a slightly different situation. My son said to me once: "You love (daughter) more than me!" I stared at him for a bit and then said, "You know, it took you long enough to figure that out! And everyone says you are so smart!"
We both laughed and hugged. He was probably about 10 and his sister is two years younger.

I have always tired to use humor when possible. I know it isn't always appropriate -- but I think it can really help.